My partner hates my son

[MancunianBird]

New to this site, but I need impartial advice. I have been with my partner for 6 years. My son was 6 when we got together and he has 2 sons of the same age.
He was always awkward around my son and my son could feel that. It's gradually got worse over the years, even resulting in my partner calling my son nasty names when he has had a drink and saying I'm a rubbish parent and he's the better parent. I was young when I had him and he is my best friend.
He actually flipped my son off when he had a drink once. I did see this, but didn't want to rock the boat. I basically walked on egg shells, trying to keep my son happy upstairs and my partner happy downstairs. It's been hard.
Due to lockdown, I actually snapped after he called my son a thief and obnoxious (my son ate one of his kids chocolates out of the fridge).
I grabbed my son and walked out of the house.
It's been over a month and I still have not gone home, but that's what he expects to happen. I was hoping that I would have decided what I want to do by now, but I am still torn. My partner says that we can try and blend the families again, but I know that he doesn't like him, so it's hard for me to know that it will work. If it doesn't, I might never find the guts to leave again and stay in this cycle for another 6 years before I snap again. What do I do? No criticism please 😊

"my ex hated my son so I left the fucker"

There... I fixed your title for you...

You really need to prioritise your son - my DH grew up in a similar environment and it has ruined his relationship with his mum. A lot of resentment from feeling second best which has stayed with him his whole life - please really think about what is best for your son.

@DeeCeeCherry

Thank you

I have been where you are and it’s hard just to up and leave my partner (now ex) hated my 2 boys always had a go at them for being lazy even tho he did nothing, would just scream and shout at them but also did this to his own son when he came to stay, I spent 6 years trying to keep the peace telling the boys just to stay out of his way when I wasn’t home etc it would have been easier just to walk away however with a young baby of our own who he was amazing with (or so I thought) I didn’t want to ruin his life like I felt I had done with the older boys so I stayed, we talked about how he could help build a relationship with them etc however as I worked more and needed him to look after them more it became worse, I hated coming home as it would be a war zone, I couldn’t be out of the house for more than a hour without one of the boys phoning saying he’s screaming at them again I finally had enough and made him leave, it was only a few months later my son bravely told someone about the abuse he had suffered by this man, he had physically attacked them all including his own boys on a number of occasions while he was alone with them. I can not tell you how much I hate myself for being so weak and stupid in not seeing what he had been doing to them all this time. We are now so much happier and found someone who loves them boys like his own and I can’t begin to tell you what a difference it makes to not only the kids but yourself.
So if I can give any sort of advice is if it doesn’t feel right leave, if for one second you feel like you have to protect your child (such as walking on eggshells) you got to leave it’ll be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but it’s a hell of a lot easier than listening to your child describe the pain they have had to suffer to the police.
I hope you find your strength to deal with this the best way you can x

I find it incredibly sad that you would subject your child to that type of abuse and bullying. He absolutely knows that it is happening and he does feel it even if nothing has physically been said or done to him. Children are very astute and can pick up on the feelings of adults who dislike them even if the adult is 'hiding' that dislike.

I also find it very telling that you, not only, can't take on board any advice to the contrary of what you want, feel or need nor any criticism's of your parenting. All of your posts both your OP and subsequent posts have been about you, how you feel, what you feel you can and cannot do, how your relationship with your child affects you, how not being with your partner makes you feel. You....you....you!

I have a feeling that you wanted to come on here and have posters tell you that of course you should go back to your partner and that it doesn't matter that he dislikes your child as long as he doesn't show it etc. You don't seem able to take on board any opinion or advice that is in opposition with what YOU want or feel.

Please take on board the very good advice from the PP's on this thread, your son should be your first priority every single time, you have failed your son for the last 6 years, do not go back and continue to fail him.

I say this as a child who had a parent who disliked hated/hates me and a parent who found it easier for them to stay than better for me to leave. I am no longer in contact with either parent. Please don't let that happen to you and your son, he deserves better.

The only one who will really judge you will be your son in the future, and no amount of defending on this forum will make that any different. And he will be right. You have spent 6 years subjecting him to a man that hates him. Children are by nature loving so it will impact him more than you.

You said you were too scared to leave. As an adult you can get therapy for your fears. Your son's childhood shouldn't be fucked up because you're too scared to make the right choice.

OP, fwiw I don't believe it's inappropriate to be good friends with your child. Every parent has different parenting styles and as long as he respects your decisions as a parent there's nothing wrong with being close. It might be harder for you as he grows up and pulls away because he wants some independence, but that shouldn't stop you from maintaining a close friendship with him.

As his mother and as his friend you should not prolong any amount of time where he can't feel comfortable being himself in his own home. That will make him pull away a lot sooner and possibly even resent you. I say this from personal experience, and although I have a good relationship now with my mother, my brother is deeply angry with her all the time as he feels she allowed him to be bullied and undermined at home. He's 31 now. That will stay with him for life.

I asked before, but what's the situation with his other children both being the same age? You spend so much time being criticised by him about your parenting, I'm very interested to know how he managed to get into that situation. He seems so full of himself.

Im sorry you don’t like the replies, it must be very hard to read them.
You need to leave this man though op, you can’t go back.
It’s harming your son and it’s harming you.
This break has done you the world of good, don’t go back, set yourselves free!

The title of your post is “ my partner hates my son”. “Hate” is a very strong word, and an extreme feeling. How can you even think about living with someone who hates your child? How can you even like someone who you know hates your child? I really don’t get it. You are young, you can make a good life for you and your son and find someone (because it seems like you’re the type of woman who “needs” a man in their life), who is a decent person and who doesn’t show contempt for your son.

So how does he discipline his children? Is he unpleasant to them? Would he call them a third of they took a chocolate bar in the fridge that wasn't theirs?

I agree with your parents about not going back and ending things. You can't be with a man who hates your child...it's a bad situation all round.

Of course people will judge, you've let a man bad mouth your son to you for six years and stayed with him.
Your son should come before you or any partner

Honestly the fact that this has gone on 6 years is a disgrace. You have put a man before your own child. How could you date somebody who treats your Son like this clearly they will be no change. I suggest you contact your family or friends for support. You need to do right by your child and not return home. Posts like this make me sad pull yourself together OP and do it for your child as well as your own sake.

Does your partner treat his own Sons like this?!

Don't even think of going back to this obnoxious man.

I can see step parenting has difficulties but, honestly, a man with two sons and a partner with one son of similar age to his own - what's the big deal about that?

He's being deliberately horrible to your boy. Ditch him. I don't know why you haven't done it before.

There are other, far nicer, men in the world but have some time on your own with your son, he's still a child. There's time for you to explore new relationships when your boy is older and he will appreciate you putting him first.

You are complaining that people are being harsh to you on here but you are actually on here asking whether to go back to the man who has abused your son for 6 years.
Look at the title of your thread!
You are considering going back to someone who hates your son??
If you do that you are, indeed, a very bad parent.

You say you partner says it's just a discipline thing. As you've said you and your son are friends I wonder if you let you son get away with stuff which makes your partner resent him
Are you too soft? Is your son treated the same as the other boys by you?

If your son is spoilt and selfish then maybe your partner is taking his resentment out on him instead of you.

Helping himself to the other kids chocolate maybe doesn't make him a thief but certainly makes him selfish.

If his sons are well behaved and well adjusted then maybe it's you that's the problem. Not your partner.

Just a thought anyway

Protect your child. End of.
Your child will remember who you put first for the rest of his life.

My mum made a bad decision marrying an awful man who hated my brother & I. We were older than your DS; able to see the abuse and call him out on it. His behaviour escalated to physical abuse, threats with knives & eventually setting the family home on fire.
I clearly remember my mum pacifying her H and not protecting me.
I vowed to protect my DC & always put them first in a relationship, because to do otherwise screws them up.