My partner hates my son

[MancunianBird]

New to this site, but I need impartial advice. I have been with my partner for 6 years. My son was 6 when we got together and he has 2 sons of the same age.
He was always awkward around my son and my son could feel that. It's gradually got worse over the years, even resulting in my partner calling my son nasty names when he has had a drink and saying I'm a rubbish parent and he's the better parent. I was young when I had him and he is my best friend.
He actually flipped my son off when he had a drink once. I did see this, but didn't want to rock the boat. I basically walked on egg shells, trying to keep my son happy upstairs and my partner happy downstairs. It's been hard.
Due to lockdown, I actually snapped after he called my son a thief and obnoxious (my son ate one of his kids chocolates out of the fridge).
I grabbed my son and walked out of the house.
It's been over a month and I still have not gone home, but that's what he expects to happen. I was hoping that I would have decided what I want to do by now, but I am still torn. My partner says that we can try and blend the families again, but I know that he doesn't like him, so it's hard for me to know that it will work. If it doesn't, I might never find the guts to leave again and stay in this cycle for another 6 years before I snap again. What do I do? No criticism please 😊

Every single comment posted has been advice, OP; the fact that you don’t like hearing it doesn’t make it less valid.

And everyone is in agreement that given what you’ve said about the situation you owe it to your son and yourself to leave permanently. He knows your boyfriend doesn’t like him, children always know.

OP if you’re looking for someone to say it’s okay for you to go back to a man who hates your son that’s not going to happen. You know it’s wrong and you’re in denial about the effect on your son. You’ve made excuses for six years and tolerated behaviour you shouldn’t have. However, we all make mistakes in life and it’s great you’ve had the strength to leave. Please, please, please don’t go back. Your son needs you to put his well-being first. His confidence and mental health will have been damaged but it can be improved by removing this awful man from his life entirely. Stay strong.

X 3 @FlowerArranger and what does she mean by 'flipped my son off'

I think if DS is 12 he will be aware. If it's not as simple as walking away then could you live separately. So you live with DS and just see your partner for evenings.
Is DS Dad on the scene? Does DS visit him?

Sorry if I missed something but I'm not sure why you seem to be thinking about going back?

Don't. You're doing the right thing now by removing yourself and your son. Tell your partner it's over for good.

Apologies I meant 12 not six

Your son is aware of this. I think you’re kidding yourself thinking that he isn’t. He’s probably just trying to rationalise it as not having anything in common, but he knows.

Don’t go back to your partner. The situation will get worse as your ds becomes more independent and able to stand up for himself.

C'mon, you do know what to do. Big girls pants time. You put your son first. It will only get worse as your son hits adolescence and your partner finds him more of a challenge. He's had six (!) years to build a decent relationship to weather the storms. Save yourself, and more importantly your son, the heartache of trying to rescue this. Walk away now, model to your son what good parenting looks like.

Yes, my son is my best friend and always has been. I am with my parents at the minute.
They have said to sell the house and get a place on my own.
I don't like confrontation and am scared of saying it's done, so we are hovering in this limbo state while we are in lockdown.
I know the environment has been toxic, I'm not blind, I have just struggled to break away. My son and I are always out of the house doing fun things on our own.
My son even asked me last week if we could go home! If he hated it that much, why would he ask that. This is what has me confused.
He said he misses home.
I have been looking at houses to rent for me and my son, so I have no plans going back, but he said it can be fixed and it's more to do with differences in discipline.
I understand sometimes people need to be told what they don't want to hear, but I'm not a rubbish parent. My son is the loveliest boy, doing great in school with loads of friends and is generally happy. I work full time and spend every other minute with him.
I just wanted to know if anyone has been in my position before and what they did.

I couldn't live with anyone who disliked my child. Please don't go back. It's damaging to both you and your son to live this way.

I think you have done really well OP by getting out and having time and space to think about what is best for you. I think that will make it easier to not go back. What would you say to your son if he got into a relationship like this? I know it's really hard now you're in it but once you are out the other side you will feel so much better! People who love you don't make you feel that way. Good luck

Good luck OP.

'Differences in dicipline'. And by that he means if you come home you'll be expected to accept his 'different approach' to discipline from now on.

It's normal for a kid to miss his home and his room and his stuff. Also, he has known this man for 6 years and probably thinks the way he treats him is normal. That doesn't make it acceptable. Nor does it mean it isn't damaging him.

End this relationship immediately. This person is no good for your son. And no good for you either. Your son is more important. End it now

he said it can be fixed and it's more to do with differences in discipline

What part of ‘discipline’ is flipping your son off, swearing at him when drunk and all the rest of it? It’s abuse, OP.

It’s been going on for six years and has been escalating, it is not going to get better. Your son is going to get older, turn into a teenager and stop being so sweet natured, and your DH is going to ramp up his abuse once there’s a bit of pushback.

Also how often is your DH drunk? As in drunk enough to start getting aggressive and swearing about your son? Sounds like it’s a regular thing, which is also a red flag....

Your son asks confusing questions because being subject to abuse is confusing. You can’t take this as an indication of what to do because he is a child. In his mind going home is what you do. I don’t think you can overcome your problems with your partner. He is as likely to be abusing you as well. Take a moment, if your parents are telling you to move on they are probably right. Change is very difficult particularly walking away from an abusive relationship. Please don’t go back. Maybe contact women’s aid and do the freedom program?

My friend has been with her DH for over 10 years and she had a daughter to someone else before she met him and always said if she was to settle down that person would have to accept her dd as part of the package
When she met him she told him I have a child and he said wow I would lo e to meet them. Soon after meeting they married , I believe 3 months. In islamic culture that's what you do. Anyway, they now have 2 other children. 3 including the first dd. He adopted the dd and gave her his surname and treats her equal to the other children. They are literally one family unit. With no differences being made. I know that if he didn't get on or have a relationship or even just a positive friendship with the kid , she would have given him the boot.

This guy sounds like a major pig. Your son seems great and I actually agree you're doing the right thing, staying with your folks and looking for somewhere else to stay. He calls your son names and gave him the finger I cannot believe it.
Honestly this is not the man for you
End it now

My Mums ex was like this - she spent 5 years with him and trust me, I knew he didn't like me even if he didn't say those words to my face.

I later found out she had left him after she asked whether he would care for me if anything happened to her (my dad died when I was very young) and he immediately said no, as I wasn't anything to do with him and he didn't like me. She knew with time his negativity would massively effect my self confidence as he never made any effort with me and if anything, over disciplined me to the point I was starting to rebel as I could never do anything right. When they broke up, he was vile to me the next day as he blamed me (I was 10) which just proved my Mums point even further.

Your partner is an adult and the fact he has so much dislike for a child is pretty disgusting and disrespectful to you. Your son may want to go home because it's all he knows and doesn't realise that he could have a step parent who actually engages and spends time with him. Your partners lack of interest/care/disdain has become his normal.

My Mum went on to meet a wonderful man, who has done nothing but make me know I'm his own, has never treated me differently from my younger siblings and he was so excited when he knew I was expecting that he cried tears of happiness. That is the kind of relationship you and your son deserve.

@Starfish1021 is absolutely 10000% correct and on the ball

So who owns the house if your parents want you to sell it?

The older your son gets the worse it will get. Stop being so bloody passive.

You need to stay away and never go back to this man. Your son is your priority. Do you want to be responsible for emotionally damaging him beyond repair?

Christ almighty

Sorry, I can’t believe you have subjected your DS to this for 6 years. Speechless.

x4

Your child is not your friend.
Your child doesn't know what's best for them.

Saying he misses his home means precisely fuck all - he probably misses his room I doubt he misses being abused and bullied and walking on egg shells.

Your child relies on YOU (The parent) to know and do what is best and to protect them.

You'd be selfish and stupid to return to a man that treats your child in the way you described.

It's clear how much you love your son, but there are a few things here:

• He is not your best friend, and you shouldn't make him be so - a child is not emotionally equipped to be a source of support or friendship for their parent. You absolutely should not be confiding in him as you would a friend. Consider reading a couple of parenting books on how to parent teens - you've got some tough years ahead of you.

• Do not go back to the toxic atmosphere with your partner. Your son will feel it, and the conflict will only get worse as he goes through the teenage years. He may want to go home, but do you know why? Is it more to do with his own space than the people in it?

• Get some counselling, you need to work on how to deal with conflict, and quite likely self esteem. You've been in a relationship with a man who slags off your son - I doubt your confidence is the best.

Be single for a bit while things settle down, and then at some point I hope you can find someone who treats you and your son with the kindness you deserve.

Thank you that's helpful.
To those who called me a disgrace, think before you type.
On the outside, it might be black and white, but you have no idea. Would you call a woman who has been abused in a loveless marriage a disgrace? She would be a victim, but I am disgrace because I am scared of leaving.
And to the person who said it is inappropriate that my son is my best friend, you have no clue what your talking about.
My son and I have been just him and I for a long time. I was my mums best friend and still am. You can be a parent and a friend to a child. Not every parent is the same and there is not one way of doing things. I didn't come on here to get told I am inappropriate for my son and I being close. I came on here hoping some likeminded women would be supportive, which some are, but wow!....I wasn't expecting to be 100% judged by most people and have to defend myself on here aswell.
I won't be making that mistake again, so thanks for the advise