My partner hates my son

[MancunianBird]

New to this site, but I need impartial advice. I have been with my partner for 6 years. My son was 6 when we got together and he has 2 sons of the same age.
He was always awkward around my son and my son could feel that. It's gradually got worse over the years, even resulting in my partner calling my son nasty names when he has had a drink and saying I'm a rubbish parent and he's the better parent. I was young when I had him and he is my best friend.
He actually flipped my son off when he had a drink once. I did see this, but didn't want to rock the boat. I basically walked on egg shells, trying to keep my son happy upstairs and my partner happy downstairs. It's been hard.
Due to lockdown, I actually snapped after he called my son a thief and obnoxious (my son ate one of his kids chocolates out of the fridge).
I grabbed my son and walked out of the house.
It's been over a month and I still have not gone home, but that's what he expects to happen. I was hoping that I would have decided what I want to do by now, but I am still torn. My partner says that we can try and blend the families again, but I know that he doesn't like him, so it's hard for me to know that it will work. If it doesn't, I might never find the guts to leave again and stay in this cycle for another 6 years before I snap again. What do I do? No criticism please 😊

You got support and advice OP. You just didn’t like it.
You are understandably feeling very raw about the whole thing, add in the tensions and strains of lockdown and it’s no wonder you are feeling under attack and defensive.
People are trying to help you by shaking the scales from your eyes. Maybe leave the thread for now and reflect a bit before dismissing what everyone has said so quickly.

Umm...op everyone is being very nice to you all things considered.

@MancunianBird sorry you’ve heard things you may not like. However, sometimes what we don’t want to hear is actually what is best for us.

I believe your ds is aware that your bf doesn’t like him. It’s quite probable that your bf dc have told him!

Please don’t go back🌺

Oh my good god. There is no going back. That's awful behaviour from a grown man! If that's what hes like with a 12 year old be prepared for WW3 in the teenage years

You want people to tell you it's all ok and absolutely fine?
Well I'm sorry but it's not.
Your poor son.
Be a decent parent.

Another vote for clean break.

He has shown you time and time again he has no respect for your boundaries. Dont give him an inch or he will try to take a mile.

I can’t believe any woman could be so desperate for a shag that she’d subject her child to six years of abuse from a man.

If this is real you are an absolute disgrace.

He's not your "partner" that would imply he's working with you and together because he loves what you love. But he's not - he's a twat that doesn't like your son, and your son knows.

Please prioritise your son in all of this and leave the twat. Your son cannot protest, this will mentally scar him for life. Leave, set up home with your son, and prioritise and care for him as he deserves.

Oops that was actually a cross post. But funily enough, still relevant xD

Op,
I'm sorry that you feel so judged but children who have been badly treated often like and miss their abuser when they leave them. Their understanding of 'normal' healthy relationships become skewed because the harsh /unkind treatment they receive erodes their confidence and sense of self worth. It is magnified if they feel alone in this and those around them don't protect and stop what is happening.
There is some research that shows that children who are emotionally abused / where they are treated with unkindness over a period of time actually do worse in their future lives than other abused children. A one off incident where an angry parent flips the once and hits their child too hard can be resolved and understood. But 6 years of cold /harsh /unkind treatment erodes a child's sense of who they are and even whether they are an OK person.
It is so important that your son is removed from this man and that you spend some time (maybe with external help) in trying to resolve with him what has happened. If you have a close relationship it may be possible - but he may find it hard to understand why you tolerated what happened to him?

What is causing you to be afraid to permanently end it?

Are you afraid of his reaction?

I don’t think it’s “differences in discipline”. A healthy human doesn’t flip off a child and call them names. I’ll bet he’d never tolerate you doing that to his (and that you would never do it!). It’s a difference in values.

You deserve to have a happy life, and this isn’t going to get better with him. He’s not going to suddenly decide he loves your son. Growing up around this man isn’t going to be good for your son, and it can have a very negative impact on him long-term.

You have a chance to fix this now. Sounds like your parents are loving and supportive. If you need to, call in resources for counseling and support for women leaving bad situations.

You did the right thing leaving, and you were strong enough to do that. You can keep going.

I don't like confrontation and am scared of saying it's done, so we are hovering in this limbo state while we are in lockdown.

Surely that means this is the ideal time to tell him it's done, when you don't have to do it face to face? You can just block him if he starts phoning or texting or emailing abuse to you.

My son even asked me last week if we could go home! If he hated it that much, why would he ask that. This is what has me confused. He said he misses home.

You said before that your partner doesn't generally tell your son to his face that he hates him. Plus, your son has had a month away from this unpleasant man and has probably forgotten what happened. Therefore it's not surprising that he is talking about going back.

But remember that you have said there are already signs that your partner is slipping and being directly unpleasant to your son. It's virtually inevitable that that will just get worse as your son goes into adolescence.

I have been looking at houses to rent for me and my son, so I have no plans going back, but he said it can be fixed and it's more to do with differences in discipline

He means it can be fixed if you agree to go along with all his ideas about discipline, even when they are obviously wrong.

What do you expect from MN?

Do you want to be told you're doing the right thing, and support in staying away?
Or do you want people to say it's ok to go back?

I imagine their personalities will diverge more as he becomes a teenager. If your partner can’t be descent to a child in his care how do you think it is going to work out when your son is a young man.

It has been six years this is my teething problems. It can’t be fixed

Also he is a wanker and you are better off without him

You are deluded if you think this abuse doesn’t effect your son. If you are worried about breaking up with him do it by text or something. There doesn’t need to be a big confrontations.
I can understand why you don’t want criticism but you are now making excuses for his behaviour.
Protect your son.

Your son will be 12 or 13 and as he becomes a full blown teenager he'll become more difficult.
If your (I'll say ex) partner has already been violent towards him, he would be again when your son started confronting him.

You certainly aren't your son's best friend. Try to be a parent.

OP there's no going back, nobody on here will say that it is. Of course he wants to go back. He wants his own bed, this dickhead is all he's known so it's his normal.

But he's 12 now, he needs to be guided into the next stage of life without his mother walking on eggshells and him learning they his stepdad dislikes him to the extent he does. You think he doesn't know, but he does.

You know what you have to do and that is not go back to this person.

You ask for no criticism when you've allowed a man to chip away at your son's happiness, self-esteem, sense of safety, blight his childhood for years? & Now that you've left you're considering going back?

I'm not sure this isn't a wind-up as since yesterday there've been a couple of other posts regarding keeping children in unacceptable situations, that would rightly rile posters.

If it's not a wind up & you do go back then you don't care about your son. I hope he tells someone outside the home what's happening. When he grows up you likely won't see him for dust anyway so you'll be left with your pathetic man, and his kids. There's a chance of a decent life for you & your sob if you go no contact with the bullying idiot and stop falling for gumpf about being a 'blended family'. He dislikes your child - You're not blended.

I don’t want to sound over dramatic but a close family member had almost the same situation, but she didn’t leave. Her two sons ended up leaving.

One son ended up in prison and the other hasn’t spoken to her in years.

My son even asked me last week if we could go home! If he hated it that much, why would he ask that. This is what has me confused.
He said he misses home.

He misses what's familiar. He's also probably thinking that going home is what you want and he wants you to be happy.

After one of the many temporary separations between my dm and step-father she sat me and my siblings down and asked us all if she wanted them to get back together or not. We all said yes as we knew she wanted to go back to him and we were all scared of change. He was an abusive bully but it was what we were all used to. At the time my siblings and I were aged 6, 8, 10 and 13. Dm only finally left him 5 years ago, when I was 33. The damage done to us in that time was catastrophic and we all have suffered severe MH problems in adulthood, including self-harm and suicide attempts. The anger I feel towards dm for forcing us, her children to take responsibility for deciding the outcome of their relationship is overwhelming.

But you have left, you have got your son out albeit 6 years too late. It would be disgusting to go back now, how could a mother even consider it?

Concentrate on giving your son his childhood back for the next 6 years and don't even consider dating!

Believe it or not, this has had more of an effect on me than my son, as I have been juggling everything trying to keep all happy.

Between this statement and your calling your son your best friend, I think you really need serious counselling. Your self-centeredness

Is alarming and abnormal.

1. Your child is not your friend. You are his parent.

1. Your thinking you have suffered more than your son says you are not putting him first at all.

Please get some professional help to repair the damage already done to your little boy.

MattBerrysHair💐