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Original poster

AIBU? She's always late!

26 replies

Bbutter · 11/05/2020 14:18

It's not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things I know but it really annoys me.

Basically DHs ex is ALWAYS late for pick up / drop off. Not just a few minutes, it can be 45- an hour and a half and she won't say anything or let us know. She'll just turn up whenever.

It's been the same with drop offs a few times. We've got there the time she's said and she's not in and will be out with the dog or at the shops or just given the kids tea so we have to wait outside whilst they eat.

It's just another thing in a long line of things that makes it seem like our time is completely unimportant/doesn't matter.

We have the children 3 nights one week, 4 the next.

OP posts:
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SunbathingDragon · 11/05/2020 14:21

Has she always been like this with timekeeping or is this a recent thing?

Generally it’s a control thing to demonstrate that your time is not important to the other person.

Original poster
Bbutter · 11/05/2020 14:23

No it's always been this way.

I don't know if it's a control thing, I just don't think she thinks about anyone else.

OP posts:
Teenangels · 11/05/2020 14:32

I would get your partner to say something at the next drop off.
I would explain to her that you have things to do and it's unfair on the children to be waiting around for her to turn up, and say that you understand that things sometimes can not be helped by being late, but not every time.

Mlou32 · 11/05/2020 14:37

It's rude. Have a word. But really, the only thing you can do is whatever time you want the kids picked up/dropped off, give her an hour earlier. So for example, if you want them to be dropped off at yours at 3pm, tell her to have them there at 2pm.

Fannysyouraunt93 · 11/05/2020 17:09

Honestly? I would do the same to her a couple of times.

Blueuggboots · 11/05/2020 17:17

My step-daughter's mum used to do this. Regularly be out despite having recently agreed to drop off time, but woe betide is if we were late!! She also used to ring and tell my step-daughter she'd bought her "insert expensive gift" half way through a longer stay and my step-daughter would go home early and then find there was no gift after all....

MeridianB · 11/05/2020 18:06

Definitely a control thing. Your DH needs to address this with her. Depending on the ages of the children or how far apart you live, could they make their own way or could DH do the drop offs etc?

Fannysyouraunt93 · 11/05/2020 20:41

@Blueuggboots that’s awful Sad your poor DSD.

JKScot4 · 11/05/2020 20:45

My DPs ex is the same, changes times/days turns up late but he was 15 mins late and had let her know and was subjected to 3 hours of abuse by txt, saying his kids weren’t important etc
It is control, they can’t bear not to be in charge of him so uses this, it’s rude and ignorant

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2020 21:09

DH ex is the same. Never does drop off or pick up and makes a point of being out when he goes to get them then won’t answer the phone, or when he’s sitting with the kids outside her house, or calling at the time she knows they’re leaving ours to say she’s still at work, stuck in traffic or not feeling great so they can’t go back there.

DH is used to it, sod all point rising to it, but it’s shit for the kids.

Giespeace · 11/05/2020 22:43

I’m a big fan of natural consequences for children and also twats like this.
DPs Ex used to pull this shit - “DSDs not ready because XYZ so you’ll have to wait” type thing. Expecting us to wait half an hour or more.
One day I said “no I don’t have to wait - you’ve got ten minutes before I leave without her”, meaning ex would either then be unable to go to work or very late as she’d need to sort emergency childcare.
She thought I didn’t mean it.
I did.
She threw a fit. Her work threw a fit.
Boo boo sucks to be you - act like a fucking grown up and get over yourself and everyone’s lives will be so much happier.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 11/05/2020 22:52

@Giespiece did you actually leave! Brilliant!! Did she ever pull that stunt again? Grin

Definitely play her at her own game OP. Dont have them ready until she is actually there, and be late picking them up. Unless you arent there (on purpose) so it means their dad sorts it out, as he should be doing

Giespeace · 12/05/2020 00:11

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring

Fucking right I did. I’m all for playing nice and giving the benefit of the doubt etc. but when I eventually get pissed off, I get pissed off.

And no, she didn’t do that again Grin

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 12/05/2020 17:02

Brilliant!! Grin

Chucklecheeks01 · 12/05/2020 18:36

My ex husband did this, it's a control thing. I found playing him at his own game was the only thing that worked. If he was 45 minutes late for pick up (he was never late for dropping off) I wouldnt be in for 45 minutes when he was due to collect the next time. That way the kids were never left hanging around.

Sounds pretty but when the kids were with him I worked or made plans with friends and I was constantly being late. I have autism and I fear being late, it causes me untold anxiety and he knew that.

Took about three weeks for it to click and he is always on time now.

Be prepared to be vilified for your behaviour though. People, be it ex wifes or ex husbands who play the power game are very good at the victim game to.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/05/2020 13:39

I agree you should give her a deadline if you are going to do a specific activity. Especially on the days when she needs you to take the kids due to other commitments. If she misses it then sorry no can do. But if all you’re going to do is chill at home - does it really matter if she’s 45 mins late?

RonSwansonIsBuff · 13/05/2020 13:58

It doesn't matter whether OP is chilling at home or not, the ex doesn't know that. It's rude to be that late and not say anything or apologise. What the other person had planned for that time is irrelevant.

Annaminna · 13/05/2020 15:50

Just leave. She will not do it again because she has plans for those days.

Frankola · 13/05/2020 16:39

My husbands ex does this still. Her favourite trick is to go out without asking DSD if she has a key - shes 16 so ex doesnt actually need to be in,just know her DD has a key to get in.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2020 20:25

@Giespeace

I like your style.

LeonieMacaroni · 14/05/2020 12:04

My DPs ex is only ever late when she has to pick them up from ours. Otherwise she can't wait to get rid of them for drop offs.

She was once asked to make sure she was on time when she was picking them up whilst I was looking after them as I needed to get to work on time. She turned up over an hour late and I was late for work. It was quite clearly a control thing. Sucks to be her now though because I refuse to look after them for her so she gets less 'me time' than what she did before when I provided free childcare for her while DP was at work.

spongedog · 14/05/2020 12:21

My ex is often late for drop off to mine. Lives 7 miles away 15 min journey. I dont comment. But my DC notice and comment - apparently they have been ready to leave and ex is busy doing this and that.

So in reverse I make it clear to DC that we need to leave on time so we are to Dad's on time. The kids know who is a respectful thoughtful person and who isnt.

WhatInFreshHell · 14/05/2020 12:22

It's very rude, it shows a complete lack of respect for your time!

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 14/05/2020 12:25

Urgh! My ex used to do this too. It’s so frustrating and disrespectful. I got advice on MN at the time and that advice was to wait for about 15 minutes and then leave. Turn my phone off and be unavailable. Repeated every time she is late until she realises what is going on.

Herpesfreesince03 · 14/05/2020 12:26

Has he pulled her up on it?