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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I don’t know what to do.

38 replies

claralong · 07/05/2020 12:32

i’m in a very strange situation w my DH and my two DD’s from a previous relationship and i need advice. i am starting to question whether my DH loves my biological children as much as his own, even though he claims he does, his actions speak otherwise. He is very cold and strict towards my DDs but also provides them with everything. i would not be able to afford this house without him or provide for my DDs so it is a very sticky situation. I have no doubts that he loves me. We rarely argue but when we do it’s only ever about my DDs. Im unsure on what to do

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sunflowersandtulips50 · 07/05/2020 12:36

Why would he love your DC as much as his own?

I would though question why your with a man who is cold and strict with your DC. I wouldnt put up with a man that treated my DC like that

CurlyEndive · 07/05/2020 12:38

I couldn't be with a man who was cold and strict towards my DC I understand what you mean about providing for them OP. Can you start changing your financial situation so that you rely less on him?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 07/05/2020 12:43

I think its a little unrealistic to expect him to love your children as much as he loves his own, i mean, do you love your step children as much as the ones you gave birth to? If you're being absolutely honest with yourself?

If he's being unkind to them, that's a whole different matter, and if he doesn't stop when you discuss it i would be leaving.

Fedhimtotigers · 07/05/2020 12:51

Of course he doesn't love love your kids as much as his own. It would be ridiculous to expect him to.

However he can not treat them terribly.
Do you work?
Have you brought this to his attention?
Can you have a serious sit down?

If not. You need to start making plans to separate and support yourself and your children.

Giespeace · 07/05/2020 14:16

I’d never tell DH that I love DSD as much as DS because he’d know it was a lie and wonder what was going on. He knows I care very much about her though, I do a lot for her off my own bat (not routine parenting - that his job) and enjoy spending time with her.
What do you and DH argue about WRT your DDs? Why has he got a problem with them? Is their dad around?

Windyatthebeach · 07/05/2020 14:17

Loving them the same is unrealistic but treating them the same is the least your dc deserve...
Or you need to leave...

RonSwansonIsBuff · 07/05/2020 14:41

Well I would imagine he doesn't love them as much as is his own no, nor should you expect him too.

However, he should be treating them the same. If he doesn't then speak with him about that.

dontdisturbmenow · 08/05/2020 08:52

How long have you been together? How old are the kids? The only time you could maybe expect it is if the kids were very little when moving in together and he became father figure.

Otherwise, very strange thing to expect.

allfalldown47 · 08/05/2020 08:56

What a bizarre question.
Do you love his children as much as your own?
There's your answer.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2020 08:59

What’s the strange situation?

He probably doesn’t love them the same. Most people don’t.

He should be kind to them but you can’t police his feelings. You seem clear about how you think he should feel so maybe he can’t be honest.

What’s causing arguments?

You must have been living somewhere before you moved in together so why wouldn’t you be able to provide for your children on your own? Do you get child support from their dad? Do you work?

Knowing you have the option to leave is always the best way of knowing if you want to stay.

ConnieDoodle · 08/05/2020 09:01

What examples of the way he treats them concerns you?

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 08/05/2020 09:03

As a step mum I have to say I really don't get this obsession that the step parent must love their step kids as much as they woukd/do their own kids. It is unrealistic and destined to fail.

I was described as cold towards my step kids by their mum, I wasn't cold, I adore them. But I was able to detactch and be objective over their at times shitty behaviour.

I don't expect my dp to love dd as he would have loved his own child, it is an unfair expectation

Annaminna · 08/05/2020 10:30

You would not like if your DD dad loved his stepchildren more his own.
Why do you want your DH to be crule to his own children?

RonSwansonIsBuff · 08/05/2020 13:01

I don't think OP wants him to be cruel to his own children?

lunar1 · 08/05/2020 13:09

Not loving your children the same as his own is fine, and normal. Not treating your children kindly isn't ok. Why would you want them to live like that, a tiny shoebox home with good people is better every time than a fancy hows with an unkind adult living there.

Original poster

claralong · 08/05/2020 13:12

i may have phrased it incorrectly, i meant that he doesn’t treat them as his own. he always says he wants them to call him ‘dad’ but threatens to send them to their fathers house if they misbehave once. I don’t get much of a say when it comes to the discipline. He told one me either one of my DDs leave or he leaves. I’m stuck in the middle

OP posts:

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 08/05/2020 13:13

Then he leaves.

Never choose a partner over your kids

RonSwansonIsBuff · 08/05/2020 13:14

Okay well that is very different. I wish you'd have said that in your OP as I think the responses would have been a lot more supportive.

He shouldn't be treating them like that no. They shouldn't be calling him dad either if they have one who's around?

sunflowersandtulips50 · 08/05/2020 14:12

He sounds awful. Why are you allowing this man to discipline your DC and threaten them? Protect your DC from this bully and if you don't then don't be surprised when they ask to move into there dads

Electrical · 08/05/2020 14:15

Easy. Obviously you choose your kids, remove that man from their lives, help them repair the damage he has caused them as much as possible, and keep any future boyfriends away from your kids.

Fedhimtotigers · 08/05/2020 14:30

He leaves. Now it is that simple.

Windyatthebeach · 08/05/2020 15:14

Of course you aren't stuck in the middle. You are already in a committed relationship - to your dc - nobody comes between that!!
Get rid of him today op.
Or lose your dc..

ConnieDoodle · 08/05/2020 15:18

Then be leaves.

MeridianB · 08/05/2020 16:38

How old are your children? Does their father contribute financially?

What triggered your husband’s nuclear ultimatum?

MashedPotatoBrainz · 08/05/2020 16:43

Why do you not get much say in the disciplining of your own kids? Does he control everything? Are you scared of him?

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