Struggling with newborn and step kids

[Rcats1]

Morning. I'm just looking for a bit of advice really. I gave birth 3 weeks ago by emergency c-section and this is my first baby. I live with my partner who I've been with for 3 years, and he has 2 children (9 and 5) from his previous relationship.

To cut a long story short, for the first year I was with him, he used to have 50/50 custody of the kids until his ex changed this because she wanted child maitnance money and the only way for her to get that was to reduce the time he spent with them, so she put him down to 3 nights a week.(long story).

For the past 2 years after this, this arrangement has never stayed in place. We'll either have them 50/50 still, or if the ex wife is having a bitch about something and goes in a strop she will reduce the hours again. Finally before this lockdown started, we got something stable put in place for the kids, and my partner and his ex agreed they'd stay with us 2/3 nights a week on set days and she still gets her maitnance.

This was working great for everyone including the kids as they knew where they were each week. However, since this lockdown, my partners work has closed and the ex wife's work has closed and we're now having the kids every other day.

I'm really struggling. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and emotional, obviously being a first time mum and recovering from a c-section. Last year, the ex wife had cosmetic surgery and she asked us to have the kids for 12 days so she could recover. So we did. I was knocked out for my c section and spent one night in hospital and came home the next day and literally couldn't walk without being in agony and I was given 4 days to recover before she came and dropped the kids off. 4 days.

And then every other day since then they've came. I've literally burst into tears every time they've been here 1)because they won't leave the baby alone, constantly in her face, touching her, trying to kiss her face (which I'm already freaking out about because of the virus) 2)because of the constant noise. They'll put the TV on then blast YouTube and games on thier tablets or if they attempt to play with each other it ends in a screaming row where theyll slap and nip and bite each other and 3)because they will just not listen.

I understand the kids have been taken out of thier routine what with the schools being closed. They miss their friends, they're bored and I know it's hard on them, we've tried doing school work, entertaining them with arts and crafts but we're like zombies at the minute as the baby wakes 3 times through the night for feeds and burps and we're getting no sleep.

My partners always been terrified to upset his ex, so he won't reduce the hours they spend here (that's his choice I have no say in it) but I don't think he's understanding how much I'm struggling. I cry all the time. It's coming to the point I dread it when they come. The little one is so cheeky and she deliberatly tries to wind me up when I ask her not to do something, she will continue to do it and smirk at me and I've got no patience left at the minute.

Under normal circumstances I'd take the baby and go stay with my mum for a day or 2 so he can spend some quality time with the other 2 and concentrate on them, but I can't as she's a key worker working on the front line. I feel trapped with no escape. I've tried to explain how I feel to my partner but he seems more interested in keeping his ex's face straight rather than giving me a few more days to recover physically and mentally. I just want some quiet for the baby. I don't want to get stressed as the baby will pick up on my stress vibes. Is it totally unreasonable to ask him to go down to 2 to 3 nights again? I know what his ex is like and even when this lockdown is lifted she will expect him to continue to have them every other day whilst still demanding child maitnance and we are flat out broke atm too.

Every other day is a rediculous arrangement. Why not do something like week on then week off. You can get the kids into a routine at yours about how they behave etc, then you get a full week without them. They are at a perfect age for some element of home learning and def some structure to the day. Not just watching tv or YouTube and getting board then fighting (like 99.9% of siblings!). If your DP of off work he needs to take control of this. Unfortunately it sounds like the ex is exactly the same as most of them and manipulates your DP using the the kids. So find a balance that works for you, if you have them 50/50 your DP needs to tell his ex that she gets no money. It’s costing everyone a fortune at the moment to have kids at home 24/7.
Also you should be doing zero care of those kids right now, your priority is the baby and your recovery. Look after yourself and be selfish, those early weeks are tough and made even tougher with step kids and the current situation.

Your partner is a parent of three children, he needs to parent them. They are bound to misbehave with no routine and alternate days, how unsettling for them. Compounding that with no structure what does he expect to happen.

He needs to stop complaining he's tired and be a parent like the rest of us with more than one have to.

This baby is your partner’s 3rd child though and they should all be equal in his life.

It absolutely shouldn’t be an expectation that his existing children spend less time there because he’s got a new baby. This has nothing to do with the ex, it has to do with the fact that he’s a parent of three.

While it is harder for you because you have your first baby, he should be parenting all of his children, and being tired is just part of being a parent. Plenty of parents have more than one child and have to do it, so he needs to suck it up.

1 week on 1 week off is a good idea, if that is too long for them to be apart from either parent then how about 3 days (2 nights) at yours and the rest with their mum? It is vital for the kids to feel settled, which I bet is contributing massively to their current behaviour.
Is there a local park you could take them to to throw around a frisbee or play football with your DH while you have a rest? He needs to step up and you need the opportunity to rest. As a side note, have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of PND? You mentioning crying all the time does suggest it might be contributing.
Sending my best wishes OP :)

Make yourself noticed.
read this
stepmomming.com/okay-to-take-up-space/

And if you are having them every other day, maintenance is out of the question. If she is the “main parent” she should be in receipt of child tax credit (I think?), but with 50% of their care being met by you and your partner then CM is irrelevant.

I honestly don't think I could mentally cope if they were here for a week at a time. The oldest is a dream but the youngest is the most demanding child I've ever met in my life. She's spoilt rotten and apparantly the word 'no' doesn't apply to her. Every time they've stayed a week or longer I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown and I don't know why. I just can't cope. Ive always felt like that but I don't say anything.

I haven't been able to bend down or do housework etc encase I burst my stitches so it's put more strain on my partner. Mind he's been amazing and literally does everything whilst I'm like this, and never complains.. But when his 2 come over they are just constantly on their tablets and I tell him it's really bad and unhealthy and to monitor the time they're on them for.. So he does this..then they'll go play for half an hour and come back downstairs and complain they're bored. Anything we try holds thier attention span for about 30 minutes before they're bored again so my dp just gives up and gives them back the tablets.
It is costing an absolute fortune having them here more (as it will with every household) the little one eats purely out of boredom and throws a strop and a tantrum if she doesn't get a snack immediately after eating dinner or tea.. That's if she eats her tea, as that usually consists of an argument too between her dad and her. She'll ask for something, we'll cook it, then as soon as its cooked she throws a fit and says she doesn't want it. My attitude to that is, we'll it's that or nothing. Eat that or starve.. But my dp will ask her what else she wants to eat instead. He gives into her all the time and I feel like pulling my hair out. I just keep thinking I'm gunna parent my little one so differently, there'll be no little 'veruca salt' behaviour coming from my child. I wasn't raised spoilt so I just clash with spoilt people and I can't bare the behaviour. But she's not my child and I can't upset the dp by telling him his child's acting like a brat.

I knew what I was getting into when I met my partner and when I got pregnant myself, I've been in their life for 3 years now and have always had a good relationship with them, but I just didn't anticipate struggling this much. I'm overly protective with my newborn at the minute, and it stresses me out when she's overcrowded and the kids putting thier faces right up to hers. I tell them to stop it and five seconds later they're doing it again.

I dunno if its because I'm overtired and in lockdown and every little thing is getting to me, but I can't deal with this for another 12 weeks without having somewhere to escape too. Just miss my family so much right now.

I’d positively encourage the tablets to be honest, and get them headphones. Anything to keep them quiet and out of your way. It’s not your problem that it’s unhealthy for the children. It’s their parents problem. If their parents won’t bring them up to have boundaries and respect then you have to do what you have to do to minimise the impact of this on you and your child, especially at this particularly vulnerable time in your life.
One day on one day off is a horrible routine for young kids, especially young kids going through all the disruption of the times and also the appearance of a new baby sibling. The parents really need to catch a grip of themselves and sort this out for the kids sake. As PP says, I’d not be surprised if this routine is contributing to their behaviour. This is a lot for them to deal with, too.

You are in a difficult position but you have to accept at least partial responsibility for putting your self in it.

You do not get on with your partner's younger child nor are you able to effectively parent her, yet you've decided to commit further by having another child. Your partner is a decent parent who actually has contact with his DCs and you can't deal with seeing them. That is absolutely ridiculous. You chose to have three children, you can't complain when your step kids spend half their time with you.

Also, you'll eat your words if your own child turns out to be a fussy eater.

And to finish off there are no harmful effects from screen use. Decide what you want: if you want them to be quiet, let them watch screens, if you want them to be active, put up with them making noise.

Ignore the above post - it’s not your responsibility to parent her. You couldn’t have foreseen the situation of being stuck inside and for the kids to be shuttled between houses every other day when you got pregnant.
Let your DP pick up the slack and care for his kids, and make him very aware that this does not involve allowing them to scream and shout and climb all over you.

I think it is a bit unfair to make the OP feel shitty, she is 3 weeks PP and recovering from a c-section. Yes she knew she had 2 step children and what their behaviour was like prior to having a baby but nothing prepares you for those first few weeks. She also has no support from her own family which is tough.
OP I don’t think you can request you have the children less given the current circumstances, but you can make your life easier. Tell your partner to get into a routine with when you do and don’t have them, then get them into a routine in your own home. Have an area of the house to retreat to where you can relax where the children aren’t allowed (your bedroom?). Also the headphone idea is great, so at least when they are on them there is some peace and quiet.

Op I could have written this and here is my advice. Set boundreies and be firm.
I had a no one in the bedroom with me and baby apart form dp. If I was breastfeeding I went in bedroom. It was a no go for the older kids as private time for baby n it's mom aka me.
I made them do outside craft with for the baby. They tie dyed baby grows and t shirts for them and made a photo area then the 4 of them had a family photo which we printed for them. It was a whole day of silence!!
Set the boundries now.
Dp n kids can bond by walking with the baby or helping him bath the baby while you rest.
Be selfish as you are absolutely allowed to be!

@Booboostwo I was half expecting an arsy comment like that. I didn't say I can't deal with them ever.. I'm not some awful step mum who never wants the kids around, I try really hard with the kids. I have a fantastic relationship with the eldest, but yes, I do clash with the youngest. When I met her she was 2 years old, and I went through the whole terrible 3s/4s with her (which has taught me a lot and probably will have prepared me for my own child reaching that age one day) but it's incredibly hard watching her behaviour and having no say in it. When you have your own children you can discipline them how you like, make them understand why thier behaviours unacceptable, talk to them, ask them why they think they've been placed on the naughty step etc... I can't do that with his little one.. I don't ever overstep my place, I leave it up to him whilst advising him, but as my own baby grows up she's going to be led by example.. And I won't put up with her behaving like her older sister does so I need him to be on my team so that this behaviours nipped in the bud now and they'll all be treated exactly the same growing up without my child saying "well she doesnt have to do this or that so why should I" etc....

It's just a shit time. My partners cut the grass in the garden today and put up a swing and they still won't go out and play in the garden... I can't go upstairs whilst the babies asleep because I can't settle... The youngest keeps trying to pick up the baby and god forbid I go upstairs for half an hour and my partner turns his back and she picks her up and drops her... Its just small things like that which cause me endless anxiety. I'm not even well enough to get out for a walk with the baby either as I've got a constant tugging sensation in my wound.

Headphones would be a godsend right now, I've had them in the past and they break them within a few days, but I'll buy some more. I might just ask my partner to get me a bottle of wine so I can have a glass to unwind, maybe I'll relax a little and have a bit more patience lol, just wish this was all over.

YADNBU OP

The every other day thing is mad. Even in normal times it would be silly but now with the risk and their mother being a key worker, it doesn’t make sense for anyone.

My advice would be to make a list of the worst behaviours that you want to change then pick the top three and discuss with your DH as non-negotiable. It sounds like one of these should be no touching the baby.

Then step back. Don’t cook for them or stress about what they eat and don’t monitor their screen time. You have enough going on and need to focus on your baby and your health right now.

Once lockdown is over, you and DH can plan an approach to contact etc.

You and the baby in your room when they sleep. When baby sleeps you sleep.

Not sure I can suggest anything else - your partner is parenting and pulling his weight on other stuff - bar refusing to have them which is not an option am unable to suggest anything else.

Hard times OP- but it will improve.

Sounds like the youngest is insecure after being the littlest one not only that but they dont have a regular routine and cant go to places they previously would have went. You're dp needs to step up. As a parent of three I'm tired but I just get on with it op he needs to do the same.

She’s ignoring lockdown and threatening your DH for money despite 50/50 care? What a peach. Her threats of removing cash from his salary are hollow. He should let her take it up with CMS.

I wouldn’t usually say this but keep the children away from your baby completely for now. She is three weeks old and they are back and forth and exposed to others and in her face and no one is parenting them. It’s not worth the risk.

Cocoon in your bedroom with baby and iPad and just look after you two.

There is massively divided opinion on MN about whether children should still be going between houses right now, but one thing is surely clear which is that going back and forth every other day is madness. And that's just thinking of the virus, let alone what an exhausting, unsettling routine that is for you all.

Personally, with their other household not isolating properly and knowing that the children do not listen to your requests not to touch the very young baby, I definitely don't think they should be coming over. I am of the opinion that travelling between houses should be temporarily stopped at the moment anyway, though. Given the amount of sacrifices other people are making in terms of not seeing each other, travelling in the car etc, my blood boiled reading that there are people out there who think it's ok for their kids to move between houses every other day.

Lockdown aside, it's good that your DP already does the parenting, but that's not really the case if he's not checking them on behaviours that negatively impact the whole house. He needs to manage the tantrums better, he needs to make them listen to rules about the baby. I wouldn't worry too much about the tablets right now, but if you're dangerously low on money he can't be wasting food on his youngest's whims. It's his responsibility to manage this situation in a way that works, as he's the only person in the house responsible for everyone.

If there is absolutely no way of keeping them in one house during lockdown, then the next best thing is to switch far less often, so you may need to get used to having them for a week, but it's your DP that should be feeling the burden of making that work for everyone, including you. It shouldn't make you cry, it's his job to make sure it doesn't.

It is hard having a csection. Painful and scary too! I completely understand the physical side and the emotional aspect too - hormones all over and a greenhouse environment at the moment.

I think you need to talk to your partner about all this. You are a mum to 3 children - and a first timer to a baby.

You need to decide if 3 children are what you want. He has 3 children, and chose to walk away from 2 at a very young age - whatever the breakup situation it will be hard to balance contact for him and his ex wife, who is also the mother of 2 of his children and probably felt very similar when she had her first.

Empathy is very hard sometimes. But you need to prioritise what is best for the children. You have committed further to this man and taken on the role of stepmum. Perhaps you need to ask yourself what it is you're wanting from this relationship, and what is best for the children. Talk to your partner and make sure you're on the same page - so the heartache doesn't continue for you and yours.

Good luck and keep safe.xx

Keeping the kids away from the baby is like trying to keep flies away from shit. It's impossible. I get that they're excited but it's too much constantly in her face and she gets really ratty and I just get stressed and huff and puff... He knows when I'm getting stressed as he'll step in and say something to them but after 3 weeks now they still do the same thing.

I'm in agreement between moving between houses too.. Constantly on tender hooks, but the ex wife apparantly has been self isolating for weeks and only going out food shopping so the kids were going from her house, in the car and to our house and back again a few days later... But now I've found out her bfs been going round and they don't live together and I'm not comfortable with that. Because he's around the kids and then they're coming here. I think it's so selfish. God knows I'd love to go give my mum or sister a big squeeze but i can't and yet she's having her bf round for Sunday dinner.

I honestly don't think I have a say in this, they parent between themsleves and organise the days between them and I think this is going to be the routine from now on. It's light nights too so the kids are up later as apparantly they can't get to sleep, even though I bought curtains for their room. I'm gunna sit down and have a talk with my bf when they go home. The agreement before this was 2 to 3 nights a week, now I've just found out they go home Friday, come back Sat, go home Sunday and come back Monday.. This is ridiculous. I'm so fed up.

Be very with bending and lifting after your C section, or you'll end up in hospital and delay your recovery.

You should really be taking it very easy.

Congratulations.

It can't be easy having a baby, never mind a C section in this time of lockdown. I feel for you and other mums in this situation.

I don't think you should battle the ex right now, or get into it about children's behaviour.
Get your dp to wash your bed sheets, polish and hoover in your bedroom, and you just Stay There.
If you have a flask then fill it with tea or a cold drink, take up some snacks and books, nappies and baby grows.
Make it a nice room to be in and then, well be in it. Relax and bond and heal, do you have a sling that dp can wear now and you can wear when healed?

@space83 he didn't walk away from the kids, the ex wife ended the marriage. He was still sleeping on her sofa for 6 months after they seperate whilst she was out on dates, and then he moved out into his own place and immediatly had 50/50 custody.

@crochetandshit yes I think I'm going to have to. I've got loads of led fairy lights and dream catchers so I might just make it a little cubby hole and take her up for some chill zen time