Struggling with newborn and step kids

[Rcats1]

Morning. I'm just looking for a bit of advice really. I gave birth 3 weeks ago by emergency c-section and this is my first baby. I live with my partner who I've been with for 3 years, and he has 2 children (9 and 5) from his previous relationship.

To cut a long story short, for the first year I was with him, he used to have 50/50 custody of the kids until his ex changed this because she wanted child maitnance money and the only way for her to get that was to reduce the time he spent with them, so she put him down to 3 nights a week.(long story).

For the past 2 years after this, this arrangement has never stayed in place. We'll either have them 50/50 still, or if the ex wife is having a bitch about something and goes in a strop she will reduce the hours again. Finally before this lockdown started, we got something stable put in place for the kids, and my partner and his ex agreed they'd stay with us 2/3 nights a week on set days and she still gets her maitnance.

This was working great for everyone including the kids as they knew where they were each week. However, since this lockdown, my partners work has closed and the ex wife's work has closed and we're now having the kids every other day.

I'm really struggling. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and emotional, obviously being a first time mum and recovering from a c-section. Last year, the ex wife had cosmetic surgery and she asked us to have the kids for 12 days so she could recover. So we did. I was knocked out for my c section and spent one night in hospital and came home the next day and literally couldn't walk without being in agony and I was given 4 days to recover before she came and dropped the kids off. 4 days.

And then every other day since then they've came. I've literally burst into tears every time they've been here 1)because they won't leave the baby alone, constantly in her face, touching her, trying to kiss her face (which I'm already freaking out about because of the virus) 2)because of the constant noise. They'll put the TV on then blast YouTube and games on thier tablets or if they attempt to play with each other it ends in a screaming row where theyll slap and nip and bite each other and 3)because they will just not listen.

I understand the kids have been taken out of thier routine what with the schools being closed. They miss their friends, they're bored and I know it's hard on them, we've tried doing school work, entertaining them with arts and crafts but we're like zombies at the minute as the baby wakes 3 times through the night for feeds and burps and we're getting no sleep.

My partners always been terrified to upset his ex, so he won't reduce the hours they spend here (that's his choice I have no say in it) but I don't think he's understanding how much I'm struggling. I cry all the time. It's coming to the point I dread it when they come. The little one is so cheeky and she deliberatly tries to wind me up when I ask her not to do something, she will continue to do it and smirk at me and I've got no patience left at the minute.

Under normal circumstances I'd take the baby and go stay with my mum for a day or 2 so he can spend some quality time with the other 2 and concentrate on them, but I can't as she's a key worker working on the front line. I feel trapped with no escape. I've tried to explain how I feel to my partner but he seems more interested in keeping his ex's face straight rather than giving me a few more days to recover physically and mentally. I just want some quiet for the baby. I don't want to get stressed as the baby will pick up on my stress vibes. Is it totally unreasonable to ask him to go down to 2 to 3 nights again? I know what his ex is like and even when this lockdown is lifted she will expect him to continue to have them every other day whilst still demanding child maitnance and we are flat out broke atm too.

They shouldn't have agreed to take the children for 12 days.

'They'? It doesn't sound like the OP is getting an awful lot of say in any of this. Anyway, doesn't the ex have any responsibility to behave reasonably and not take the piss?

You don't get to stop parenting because another baby arrives on the scene, no matter how the birth went

I'd say that temporarily it's reasonable to expect one's partner to pick up a bit more of the parenting slack while one recovers from a difficult birth.

Apart from them being a bit noisy and the little one a bit cheeky, it really doesn't sound that bad.

Are you sure you're reading the same thread as the rest of us?

One of you takes the night feeds, the other gets a nights sleep and deals with the kids the next day, keeping them entertained so the other parent can rest

OP was not consulted about this new contact arrangement, she really shouldn't be expected to entertain his kids while he sleeps, especially post Csection.

Me and my partner alternate nights and mornings, but when his son his here that continues but he also does all the mornings, since it's his responsibility and not my job to pick up the slack. If OPs partner wants to have this arrangement he needs to be the one knackering himself go facilitate it, OP only has one kid.

That's great that the kids have been better with some more attention OP. I was going to say before your last post that going off and playing for 1/2 hour by themselves and not on screens sounds pretty good - especially at 5. It's difficult enough just now let alone with a new baby sibling and 1 day on and 1 day off routine - all sounds pretty unsettling for kids. I do think either you or DP need to be playing alongside them for some of the time or at least giving intermittent attention "wow, what a lovely picture? tell me about it?" etc. If you have a garden, doing an obstacle course (we use tins of beans etc to weave around or jump over) and timing them is a good option as there's the attention/interaction aspect for them.

I think you need to be able to escape to your bedroom to sleep/have quiet time with baby and your DP needs to entertain the kids.

With the younger one's eating, it must be hard for your DP - as a parent that urge to ensure your child eats something is very strong even when they get to 5 (or older). The last thing your DP wants I imagine is for the kids to go back and say they were hungry at Daddy's. I know my ex fed DS for a long time (way longer than needed) just because he really wanted to ensure he wasn't going hungry. I used to give one other easy but plain option if DS wouldn't eat dinner and I didn't want him to go to bed hungry. Either porridge/cereal/plain toast/cheese sandwich. I'd also not ask her what she wants but just make something you know she likes and not create a big fuss around meals at all, just give her a small portion with the option for seconds and if she won't eat it, just be really relaxed, don't make a battle and offer a plain alternative. Sometimes when they are in the "I NEED ATTENTION" phase, refusing to eat, demanding something else and generally making a big fuss over it is a very easy way for them to feel heard/attended to.

I'd also be pretty relaxed about screen time at the moment. Maybe your DP can also take the kids out for a long walk or bike ride to burn off some energy and have some quality time with them as well as give you some quiet time with baby.

They'? It doesn't sound like the OP is getting an awful lot of say in any of this. Anyway, doesn't the ex have any responsibility to behave reasonably and not take the piss?

The op said the ex dropped them off 4 days after the birth, I must have missed the bit where they asked not to have the children at all for a couple of weeks. Also no. The op is not the ex's responsibility

I'd say that temporarily it's reasonable to expect one's partner to pick up a bit more of the parenting slack while one recovers from a difficult birth.

I'd say it sound like OPs partner is picking up the slack, just not doing as much disciplining of the youngest as the op would like, and having the children too often for the OPs liking. Perhaps she thought contact would reduce after she had her own child?

Are you sure you're reading the same thread as the rest of us?

Yes.

The op is not the ex's responsibility

So it's not selfish for the OP to have packed her children off to their dad's for 12 whole days so she could recover from cosmetic surgery?

Also, I'd argue that a successful co-parenting set-up does more or less depend on all parties being reasonable, personally.

Perhaps she thought contact would reduce after she had her own child?

You're speculating now. The OP hasn't said anything of the sort.

Perhaps she thought contact would reduce after she had her own child?

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, it still doesn't make it reasonable that contact actually went up after she had her own child without her agreement.

I never expected contact to reduce after I had my own child, that would be pretty shitty of me. They've always been here at the very least 3 days/nights a week ever since I met him 3 years ago. And I never want to come inbetween them or make them feel pushed. I think Ive just been so overwhelmed with what's going on at the minute and then having them more than we usually do, with a newborn as usually we had set days.
Having thought about it, I know right now that having the kids 24/7 for either parent is challenging so I'm trying to put myself in the ex wife's shoes and understand that she needs time out too. She said to my dp when they both go back to work, they'll re figure out the days we have them ect so I'm just going to try and be a little bit more understanding of everyone's situation and if I need a breather I will come upstairs with the baby or go for a walk when I'm well enough. Fresh air will probably do me the world of good and release some endophines with excersise.. Which I'm not getting right now.

@Starlight39 thank you for your advice, I didn't think about the eating situation like that, I might try getting them involved in the cooking too, then maybe she might eat it if she's had involvement in making it?

Although I'm a new mum, I've been like a step parent/dad's girlfriend for 3 years, been living together for over 2 years so I'm just learning everyday about kids and thier behaviours etc at different stages of thier lives. I guess I've got this all to come with my own. One things for sure, the girls have definitely prepared me somewhat for motherhood. They do adore thier little sister and I want them all to grow up being treated exactly the same way. I think once this whole thing is over too the dp is gunna take them out for some one on one time at the cinema and for food etc so they can have that quality time with him, like daddy/daughter dates so they get his full attention too. I do feel that's really important and I will always encourage it

Either he has them 5050 and no cm or he has them less and pays, but right now they shouldn't be moving every other day with a newborn in house they should be staying on one place for at least three days for everyone's sanity. Tell your dp he needs to resolve, he does not need to see them less but make it more manageable and ffs they are old enough to understand right now they should not be touching baby unless they have proved clean hands every time.

So it's not selfish for the OP to have packed her children off to their dad's for 12 whole days so she could recover from cosmetic surgery?

The dp agreed to it 🤷‍♀️

Also, I'd argue that a successful co-parenting set-up does more or less depend on all parties being reasonable, personally

Well it seems a lot of people on MN feel that step parents have no responsibility to their step dcs, so why should the ex take any responsibility for the OP?

You're speculating now. The OP hasn't said anything of the sort.

Perhaps, but it certainly seems that way.

It's great that you're feeling better about the situation OP, but have you thought about the massive problems with the current every other day arrangement, both in terms of the kids wellbeing and the current climate?

Them behaving better doesn't stop it being ridiculous for them to be travelling as much as they are. Or negate the risk coming from the mum's boyfriend.

thank you for your advice, I didn't think about the eating situation like that, I might try getting them involved in the cooking too, then maybe she might eat it if she's had involvement in making it?

Yes definitely a good plan. I do that with DS sometimes and tell him it'll be so useful that he knows how to cook when he's older he can cook for his friends etc. I think it makes him feel really grown up. I also do a lot of "just eat the bits you want then..." with a shrug. The lack of drama means it becomes much less enticing for them to refuse the food. It is super hard though when they are pushing all your buttons and I can't imagine how hard it is with all this going on AND a 3 week old baby too .

@Rcats1
That's really great to read!
Congrats BTW.

So it's not selfish for the OP

Oops so sorry OP, in my previous post I meant to say 'OP's ex' of course!

@aSofaNearYou

Yeah apparantly when he spoke to her last night she said she'd ended things with the boyfriend, he didn't pry too much but she said he's not going round anymore and that she's finished things?? Dear me.

I dunno about the days, he's going to speak to her about it, maybe having them longer each might be good for them? I don't know but defo not this one day on one day off thing, looking into it, they'll probably settle better if they DO have like a week here and a week there... I don't know I'm waiting for him to talk to her.

Not being funny but you have to grin and bear it. He has THREE children, not ONE and the behaviour you describe is pretty common for young children. You knew he had children when you met him.

I do agree though that the one on and one off contact is a stupid arrangement.

Glad to read your update OP. A decent sleep is amazing

Lovely update OP. You sound like a pretty good Stepmum and Mum.

Op is had PND with my third child and as awful as it sounds part of it was in the first few weeks I couldn’t bare to be around my oldest two as they overwhelmed my emotions. It was an awful time of constant crying - please speak to your midwife, baby blues shouldn’t last more than two weeks and if you are crying uncontrollably throughout the day (doesn’t have to be all the time) I think you need to speak to someone.

The step children for me are a separate issue to the above.

@LouHotel yeah I've got the health visitor coming round next week so I will mention it, still feeling much better today. Currently sat having a cuddle with the eldest as the little one is in bed, about to go get her to clap at the front door for the NHS tonight which is the first time I've managed it.. My neighbours must think I'm ignorant as by the time I got off the sofa the last two times theyd stopped and went inside lol

Aww OP

I'm not a step parent but I have a step-mum and I was around the age of your DHs youngest when they got married.

I'm now 30 and we have a wonderful relationship, I have a 3 year old DD and she idolises my step mum, calls her Grandma and step mum worships her granddaughter.

Just be yourself with the DCs, just because you're not their mum doesn't mean you can't tell them off, they are in your home.

Just treat them all the same and if that includes a bollocking for crappy behaviour then so be it .

They will respect you more for it too.

@bobbityboop do you know what, I was actually thinking about that today, as I had a step mum (for a while) growing up and she was an absolute bitch! I must have only been about 11 but she was always snapping at me and my siblings and wouldn't go anywhere with us and our dad, always had a constant snarl on her face.

I would HATE IT if the girls ever saw me as that kind of person. Like it would literally kill me. We've always been fine, it's just really since I was pregnant and when the baby arrived that I've been extra pissy... Even when we used to have them loads and I was struggling I'd never show it but I think I have over the past 10 months.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. So is sleep lol. I want those girls to grow up being close to me and being comfortable to come and talk to me and approach me about anything. It's lovely that you're close to your step mum and yours call her grandma I think that's so lovely.

All this feedback from everyone - harsh or not- it does help put things in perspective and I do question my own mindset and take on board what everyone says. The kids are the most important in all of this. Every day is a learning curve.

You knew he had children when you met him.

It is SO TIRESOME for stepparents to have to keep hearing this trotted out over and over again.

Yes, objectively it's true. But it's never possible to predict how a stepparenting situation will pan out until one is actually in that situation. Maybe no one should ever marry or get together with someone who has kids, just in case it doesn't turn out well?

@bringincrazyback I totally agree. All you know is the physicality that they have children, which 99% step parents are fine with. It’s all the other BS that comes with it, like demanding exs, changing child support demands, and the children being parented part of the time in ways you don’t necessarily agree with. Being a step parent is really hard work, and the bottom line is whatever shitty stuff a biological parent is happy to put up with because they have that deep rooted love, a step parent doesn’t. They are allowed to feel frustrated and find it a challenge at times.
OP you sound like you are doing great, both as a new mum and a step mum.

Ffs it's not about the ex its about his children. So he's to cast his previous children aside for the new baby? Lovely

Yes, for now, not forever. How dramatic! It isn't the children who want to be there it's the ex who wants them there. The ex needs to be told to parent her children.