Struggling with newborn and step kids

[Rcats1]

Morning. I'm just looking for a bit of advice really. I gave birth 3 weeks ago by emergency c-section and this is my first baby. I live with my partner who I've been with for 3 years, and he has 2 children (9 and 5) from his previous relationship.

To cut a long story short, for the first year I was with him, he used to have 50/50 custody of the kids until his ex changed this because she wanted child maitnance money and the only way for her to get that was to reduce the time he spent with them, so she put him down to 3 nights a week.(long story).

For the past 2 years after this, this arrangement has never stayed in place. We'll either have them 50/50 still, or if the ex wife is having a bitch about something and goes in a strop she will reduce the hours again. Finally before this lockdown started, we got something stable put in place for the kids, and my partner and his ex agreed they'd stay with us 2/3 nights a week on set days and she still gets her maitnance.

This was working great for everyone including the kids as they knew where they were each week. However, since this lockdown, my partners work has closed and the ex wife's work has closed and we're now having the kids every other day.

I'm really struggling. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and emotional, obviously being a first time mum and recovering from a c-section. Last year, the ex wife had cosmetic surgery and she asked us to have the kids for 12 days so she could recover. So we did. I was knocked out for my c section and spent one night in hospital and came home the next day and literally couldn't walk without being in agony and I was given 4 days to recover before she came and dropped the kids off. 4 days.

And then every other day since then they've came. I've literally burst into tears every time they've been here 1)because they won't leave the baby alone, constantly in her face, touching her, trying to kiss her face (which I'm already freaking out about because of the virus) 2)because of the constant noise. They'll put the TV on then blast YouTube and games on thier tablets or if they attempt to play with each other it ends in a screaming row where theyll slap and nip and bite each other and 3)because they will just not listen.

I understand the kids have been taken out of thier routine what with the schools being closed. They miss their friends, they're bored and I know it's hard on them, we've tried doing school work, entertaining them with arts and crafts but we're like zombies at the minute as the baby wakes 3 times through the night for feeds and burps and we're getting no sleep.

My partners always been terrified to upset his ex, so he won't reduce the hours they spend here (that's his choice I have no say in it) but I don't think he's understanding how much I'm struggling. I cry all the time. It's coming to the point I dread it when they come. The little one is so cheeky and she deliberatly tries to wind me up when I ask her not to do something, she will continue to do it and smirk at me and I've got no patience left at the minute.

Under normal circumstances I'd take the baby and go stay with my mum for a day or 2 so he can spend some quality time with the other 2 and concentrate on them, but I can't as she's a key worker working on the front line. I feel trapped with no escape. I've tried to explain how I feel to my partner but he seems more interested in keeping his ex's face straight rather than giving me a few more days to recover physically and mentally. I just want some quiet for the baby. I don't want to get stressed as the baby will pick up on my stress vibes. Is it totally unreasonable to ask him to go down to 2 to 3 nights again? I know what his ex is like and even when this lockdown is lifted she will expect him to continue to have them every other day whilst still demanding child maitnance and we are flat out broke atm too.

I honestly don't think I have a say in this, they parent between themsleves and organise the days between them and I think this is going to be the routine from now

You ceased to have no say at the point that he decided to move in with you, let alone have a child with you. You do have a say. This arrangement was made after the point your child was on the way/born so he certainly shouldn't have made it without your agreement.

Also, if his ex is seeing her bf who doesn't live with her, then she is not self isolating. If he's breaking the rules to see her, who else is he seeing? I would not agree to having them in the house under these circumstances.

Every other day? How ridiculously unsettling for not only you but the kids as well!

@Rcats1 I'm not laying blame or arguing over semantics and ultimately it is your decision however why did she end the marriage is a question to ask? If it's amicable, you should be able to talk with your dp and his ex to see how they will support you as a recovering patient. If it's not, and there's a lot of hostility then maybe you need to think about how you can handle it for all the children. All of them. Children will be curious about babies and its great he will step in but really you need to discuss with him. In relation to the bf visits - in all truthful honesty would you have stopped seeing your partner if you were in this situation? And how do you know for certain? Just concentrate on communicating with your partner and enjoying your new born. :)

Sod it, I'd be off to your Mum's for some peace and quiet. This much stress is bad for you and the baby.

I think that if the two were your biological children, you'd have managed this differently as nothing they're doing is actually odd or dangerous.

So actually maybe you need to review how YOU are handling this.

They have been the only children and now you have a baby. They're going to be overwhelmed, probably jealous and worried about their place now. Your reaction is feeding into this.

Baby won't break. Baby can be touched. If you actually make baby less of an hands-off the precious jewel, you'll probably find that the 5 year old would then understand more and not even dream off picking the baby up.

But if you're concerned and want to go upstairs, take the baby. Simple.

The issue here, is that you believe that the youngest is verruca salt in effect. You haven't developed a patenting relationship with either child if you say you're friends with the eldest. You're not a friend. You're a stepmother. So you need to start mothering appropriately. You cannot expect to have 2 children with one set of rules and your child with another.

It's your mindset that needs changing. And you need to speak with your oh before you let this snowball.

But yes this is a bit the horse has bolted!

Baby won't break. Baby can be touched.

A) the baby is a person and gets distressed being mollycoddled, older children need to learn to respect personal space.

B) There is a pandemic going around and the children's other parent is not safely isolating.

Some kids are difficult. If she was your own child she would be there every day. None of what you describe sounds awful, just cheeky kid behaviour that needs discipline. Your dp has 3 children, he doesn't get to stop parenting his first 2 children just because he had a third.
Sounds like you don't want 50/50. You don't want them every other day, and you don't want them every other week. What is it exactly you do want?

I am afraid that they are your childs half sibling.
If you have more children will you feel like this about your first child?

Why are both of you awake all night with one newborn?
One of you take the night feeds, the other gets a nights sleep and deals with the kids next day, keeping them entertained so the other parent can rest.
It’s no wonder the 5 year old is playing up. Being shunted around every day is not fair. Add into that a new sibling that she’s not allowed near, a dad and his girlfriend who are knackered and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Decide if you or their dad is doing the days or nights and try and get some normality back for all of you.

FFS. Some people posting on here clearly don't have any understanding of what stepparenting can be like. OP is doing her best in a difficult situation with insufficient help from her partner, the stepkids' mum sounds difficult, and OP's partner won't stand up to his ex (who sounds like the type who will kick off if the OP makes any attempt to discipline her precious darlings).

Parenting stepkids IS different, for all sorts of reasons, many of which boil down to a stepparent often not being able to do right for doing wrong. How do those who are criticising the OP actually envisage she should be handling this? And why so few comments about how little the OP's DP is doing to support her? Seems like everything's always the stepmum's fault as per usual. Some things never change.

OP is doing her best in a difficult situation with insufficient help from her partner

Which post made you come to that conclusion?

Bring you do realise that many of us ARE step parents and have children who have step parents? And are married to husbands or wives who have challenging relationships with their Exs? Therefore are fully aware of the issues and challenges that step parenting brings?

I'm gunna parent my little one so differently, there'll be no little 'veruca salt' behaviour coming from my child.

Oh god I love the "I'm going to do so much better as a parent" posts. 🙄

The contact arrangement is awful and no way should you be paying maintenance based on less days then you have them. I hope you don't have joint accounts. There is not much you can do with what he does with his kids but you can control the impact it had on you. Separating finances is one thing and in terms of entertaining kids I would just leave him to sort them out. Get yourself everything you need upstairs and leave him to sort them out and just try and get through it with your newborn. When you feel well enough go out with the pram for a long walk each day. Focus on your baby.

There's a Facebook group that you may find more sympathetic to your situation. www.facebook.com/groups/NachoKids/?ref=share

Can I just say the little one is 3. My three year old is my own and honestly sometimes a shit! An activity holding their attention, especially at 3 years old is good I would say. Sounds like your expectations of them are too high. If your partner is pulling his weight I'm not sure what you are struggling with? Take baby upstairs for a few hours, down for a few hours, all go for a walk for an hour. He needs to be doing enough with them... And buy headphones!

You cannot expect to have 2 children with one set of rules and your child with another

You can. I certainly won’t be having my parenting style and decisions dictated by DHs idiotic ex - no chance

I'm not surprised you're stressed. Your DH really needs to step up and keep his older kids amused to keep them out of your hair.
You need to rest and recover. A section is a major op.
Let them go on their tablets if it keeps them occupied.
Once you feel a bit more recovered from surgery and less tired, this will get easier.
I say this as someone in exactly your position (but without the added stress of a global pandemic!) when my baby was born.

Bring you do realise that many of us ARE step parents and have children who have step parents? And are married to husbands or wives who have challenging relationships with their Exs? Therefore are fully aware of the issues and challenges that step parenting brings?

Well, I'd always assumed that to be the case, certainly within the stepparenting part of MN, but certain posts on this thread seem to show so little understanding of the realities of stepparenting that they read as though they're coming from non-stepparents, to me anyway.

OP is doing her best in a difficult situation with insufficient help from her partner
Which post made you come to that conclusion?

1. OP has just had a baby in the midst of an unprecedented and frightening time.
2. She's trying to recover from a C-section.
3. The ex is taking more than she's giving back. (12 days to recover from cosmetic surgery vs 4 days to recover from a C-section.)
4. The children are fussing the baby despite (presumably) asked not to.
5. They're making a lot of noise (again, despite presumably being asked to be a little quieter at certain times).
6. The little one is deliberately winding the OP up and it doesn't sound like her partner is stepping in, instead he's letting his children run rings around him.
7. OP's partner is too shit scared of his ex to stand up for his current partner and what she needs. I get that he's helping a lot in the house but he should be giving OP more emotional support too, which is what I meant by insufficient help. He should also be parenting effectively enough that the OP feels able to leave the baby with him and the kids occasionally to rest without fearing the baby's going to get picked up and dropped.
8. OP is getting no say in the schedule despite the fact that it directly affects her. Every other day sounds very 'bitty' for the kids and is probably frustrating for them which I'd have thought would affect their behaviour.

Hope that helps.

I've got loads of led fairy lights and dream catchers so I might just make it a little cubby hole and take her up for some chill zen time

OP I think that's a great idea. Hope things get easier.

Did you talk to him, OP?

Tell him straight 2/3 nights a week and no more or you're leaving.Time he put you and the baby first and the ex can go to hell.

bringincrazyback

🤷‍♀️ They shouldn't have agreed to take the children for 12 days. You don't get to stop parenting because another baby arrives on the scene, no matter how the birth went. Apart from them being a bit noisy and the little one a bit cheeky, it really doesn't sound that bad.

HTH

Also the OP has said she doesn't want them every other day, and she couldn't cope with the for a week solid, so..... Not sure what she thinks should happen.

Thanks for all your feedback guys, I woke up in a much better mood after some actual sleep last night. The baby seems to have developed a bit of a routine waking around 2am and then around 5am, so my partners agreed to do the 2 am feeds and I do the next feed.

I've also had a long hard think and quietly observed the kids today when the baby was asleep, and I just had to remind myself that the little one IS only 5. Me getting overtired and snappy isn't going to help thier behavior at all, so I took a completely different approach today.

I handed the baby to my dp and asked the kids if they wanted to come help me stick photographs in the baby book and they jumped at the chance, so we all sat round the table sticking photos in and photos of them too, went to play in the garden, made ice cream cones etc and now, the little one is following me around and "keeping my seat warm" whilst I go to the loo. Asking me if I wanna watch her tablet with her ect, and I actually feel really emotional that all she wants is a bit of attention. She's like a totally different child. I know what I need to do. I need to remember that they're only kids stuck in doors with so much pent up energy. I need to remember that a new sibling is overwhelming and one of you mentioned that if I keep the "hands off the baby" approach it's gunna just make them want to touch her more, so I've just relaxed that and let them stroke her head gently (obvs after washing hands) I keep telling them that they're will daddies babies and encouraging him to make a fuss of them so they don't think they're getting their noses pushed out. I feel awful really. I was really testy yesturday and in a pissy mood and I know I can't be like that around the girls. I just need to change my mindset, chill out and stop stressing over everything. That's what I've done today and the kids have been like a dream to be around.

Tell him straight 2/3 nights a week and no more or you're leaving.Time he put you and the baby first and the ex can go to hell.

Ffs it's not about the ex its about his children. So he's to cast his previous children aside for the new baby? Lovely