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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter calling me "mean"

101 replies

JELH3 · 06/04/2020 20:27

Hi all
I've been with my SO now for 4.5 years. We have a 2 year old together. He has two daughters aged 12 and 7. I've always had a great relationship with both of them. Always left the discipline to their dad, played with them tirelessly, created shops and other games for them every time they came, sneaked extra chocolate to them.

I found out a couple of hours ago that my partner's 7 year old has told her mum that she no longer wants to come over cause I am "mean". My partner said he has NEVER witnessed this and she told her mum that I'm only mean when daddy isn't around. Apparently his 12 year old backed her up. I've been in tears ever since. I've never been even close to "mean" to either of them. We've always had a lovely and loving relationship and to suggest that I am only when my SO isn't around is deeply upsetting for me. The truth is, in fact, I can count on one hand only the amount of times I've been alone with the kids. If one of us needs to go out when they're around, it's always me and I leave my SO at home with the kids.

I'm shellshocked and deeply upset. I have a good relationship (up until now) with their mother so I know it isn't coming from her.

My SO is suggesting I should somehow apologise to 7 yr old. For what ?? This sounds entirely unreasonable of me but quite frankly, I don't want to speak to either of them (childish I know but it's the way i feel) . Apparently she has gone home and told her maternal family that I have been mean before.

SO and I now not speaking. He can't seem to understand how I feel.

Help!
X

OP posts:

LittleMcJiggle · 07/04/2020 11:30

You absolutely cannot apologise without being given a reason.

If your DH told one of them to apologise to their sister, they'd expect to be told what they'd apparently done wrong.

Why hasn't he pushed for a reason from them? There's no way I'd entertain this from my children if they weren't giving me actual examples. Your DH sounds like a pushover.

You just apologising when you've done nothing is bad parenting. They either need to be taught not to lie if that's what it is, or if it's something minor like tidying their room, cleaning their mess up etc... Then they also need to be taught that it's not mean, it's pulling your weight within a family and it's completely normal.

There's a lesson for those children somewhere here. Your DH and his ex need to be parent enough to figure out what it is.

Electrical · 07/04/2020 12:38

Step all the way back, be as absent as possible, your boyfriend is pathetic. His kids are there to have contact with him, not his girlfriend (you), so he can have the pleasure of parenting his own offspring. Stay out of it entirely and make it very clear to your boyfriend that you will not be apologising, and letting kids make up lies isn’t a dangerous precedent.

Electrical · 07/04/2020 12:42

*IS a dangerous precedent

motortroll · 07/04/2020 12:49

I've no further advice but this happened to me too. I was devastated. My sd was about 8. I won't tell you the outcome as circumstances were very extreme but I feel your pain when you've tried so hard!

In our case ex wife was hostile but in a passive aggressive kind of way and we believe it was her way to make her mum feel better about her dad being happy with me. (Her mum was also with someone, who knows what was going on?!)

So sorry but I hope it resolves somehow!

UncleBillyLostHisWilly · 07/04/2020 12:49

Please can someone tell me what SO is??

motortroll · 07/04/2020 12:50

It was also suggested (by CAMHS) that I apologise. My husband wouldn't let me as id done nothing wrong.

PieceOfMaria · 07/04/2020 12:50

What Katherine said, but also, don't ever, ever look after them them alone without your DH again. From now on, when they are there, he is there. Simple.

If he doesn't believe you or trust you then put a system in place that means they can't make accusations like that again.

JKScot4 · 07/04/2020 12:51

Significant Other -Husband/Partner

PieceOfMaria · 07/04/2020 12:51

And if that is awkward for their mother or for your DH then so be it.

SarahInAccounts · 07/04/2020 12:51

Make sure you are never alone with them any more. DH is in charge. You and your baby get on with your lives.

Electrical · 07/04/2020 12:52

uncle it’s ‘significant other’=boyfriend/girlfriend/unmarried

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 07/04/2020 12:53

@JELH3

Lovelysquirrel Thank you. I hope your sister is now in a much better position with them

Sadly not they are no just as vile only older. They only get in touch when they want something, always money. They're rude and disrespectful when they visit. She rings me in tears and I want to go there and sort them out for her. Makes me so upset for her. She wishes they'd never met. She loves her DH but he's a weak man and lets them walk all over him and her. Sadly as long as she's with him, she's stuck with them.

user47000000000 · 07/04/2020 12:53

I’ve been here too. It’s awful.

In my case the stepkids were saying it cause it was what their mum and nan wanted to hear. They got attention for saying it at home and it was frowned upon to actually like me.

Good luck OP x

thethoughtfox · 07/04/2020 12:58

She will be jealous of two new babies. Could this be her way of getting more of everyone's attention. She doesn't want to be left alone with you so she doesn't come to your house leaving Mummy giving all her attention to the new baby. And, if she goes to Daddy's, Daddy has to take her everywhere ...

Toilenstripes · 07/04/2020 13:02

Electrical I agree 100%

nellythenarwhal · 07/04/2020 13:06

As an adult, you can imagine the worst kind of "mean" so I'm shocked that any adult wouldn't ask for details to make sure it wasn't that!

I totally forgot this yesterday but this happened to me too except that I'm the ex wife. I have 3 kids and one of them told me about his Dad's gf being mean. He's generally one to exaggerate things so I spoke to his siblings separately. The one who tends to minimize things gave me an even worse account.

I sent my ex an email explaining that I obviously don't know what happened but the kids are saying X and the next thing I know his gf is never at contact any more. She visits her elderly parents on contact weekends. He's never told me what the truth is (as I suspect it's a combination of what each child said and the truth) but the kids said not to follow up. That was 5 years ago.

I'm not saying that I think you did anything wrong. The fact that there's no example - even a flimsy "she made us turn off the PlayStation and do our teeth "would at least be something to work with. Your h must know deep down that it's bollocks or he'd be asking exactly what you did or said. No parent would let it lie and never know. You sound like a perfectly reasonable person who would be happy to discuss things if it turns out you had done something that could be seen as mean by a 7yo but you need to know in order never to do it again!

LittleMcJiggle · 07/04/2020 18:26

in order never to do it again

I agree, unless it really is something like 'tidy your room' or 'take that empty plate into the kitchen please'

OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 18:32

So he’s told you’re mean to his kids and doesn’t even ask how you’re mean? Or when, specifically?

Fuck that. He’s sounds like a right dickhead.

I wouldn’t speak to him or see either of them for a while, tbh. Why should you??

HavenDilemma · 07/04/2020 19:34

He knows. It's human nature to respond by saying "what happened/what is she supposed to have done?"

He's refusing to tell you as he knows it is something you didn't do, and that you'll go nuts and/or call his ex (who you say you have had a good relationship with) if you find out, which could hinder him seeing the kids again, if his ex gets rubbed up the wrong way!! He's worried only about further contact.

Arsehole of the highest order. LTB

JELH3TAKE2 · 07/04/2020 19:55

Hi all. This is the OP. Sorry for late response but the site chucked me out then would not recognise my email and password so I've created a new one.
Thanks so much for everyone's replies.
To update, in a much worse position than yesterday. I took the advice of most of you that he or his ex should delve deeper about why I'm apparently so mean, it's stopping them from coming for contact. I do not have his ex number so cannot speak to her directly but suggested my partner call her and the kids to ask for more info/ reasons behind the accusation. I was faced with a blanket no and that we should as a pair speak to them together next time they come. I suggested this was a bad idea for a few reasons. One that they shouldn't be backed into a corner and the other.... I work for a legal services dept acting for children's services. On no occasion would the alleged "offender" so to speak be present when a parent questions the child about what has happened.. in order that they can freely give a truthful answer.

I know myself I have done nothing wrong but i strongly believe he should be the one to delve before I speak to them.

Isn't it funny how no explanation has come out. His ex hasn't rung again concerned because SD has divulged more info nor will my partner call them as believes he shouldn't cause "she's only 7"
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I went for a walk before and received texts from him saying I was disgraceful and disgusting for basically calling his daughter a liar and refusing to sit down as a group to discuss.

Not sure if this is the end of us but how can I continue in this if he's not on my side. He's with me when the kids are here 99.9% of the time and knows I'm fab with them and never out of turn. I don't discipline them ... Always left that up to him. Occasionally have asked 7 yr old to play nicely with my toddler as she's not always pleasant with her but I ask nicely and SD nods and plays nicer. My toddler gets told too if she's a little sod!!!

Anyhoo there's my essay. (Sorry)

PS for those confused as to why she hasn't been pressed further, I am as much in the dark as you. I am not leaving anything out

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2020 20:06

What a shitter OP, I’m so sorry. I’m afraid I’m with you in wondering if your relationship can continue if he doesn’t pull his head out of his arse, deal with this like a bloody adult, stick up for you and parent his kids. He’ll have paid a high price for his spinelessness but there’s nothing for you to do. Handhold from me

LittleMcJiggle · 07/04/2020 20:23

It's not about her being a liar. It's about finding out what you've apparently done so you can either not do it again or explain to DSD why it isn't mean (if it's something like PPs have mentioned).

Ask him if someone said he was being mean, would he want to know what he'd done before apologising?

Your DH is being a massive arse.

user47000000000 · 07/04/2020 20:24

Oh OP.

It’s such shit.

I imagine he feels too loyal to be negative about his DC but it’s clear there’s nothing for you to worry about with regard to your behaviour.

DP’s Ex used to accuse me of all sorts which clearly weren’t true or she wouldn’t have sent her kids to our house. It’s a nightmare and I really feel for you xx

Your DPs behaviour is a Disgrace tbh. Is he always such a twat or is he just feeling torn? My DP was always worse when his kids were awful. It was like he felt by being on the side of truth (mine) he was betraying them

JELH3TAKE2 · 07/04/2020 21:05

When it comes to his ex (previous nightmare), his mum ( current nightmare ) and now his children I am always 2nd best, always on the back foot. He never sticks up for me. I've dealt with a lot with him in 4.5 years. But this is a brand new issue... I have always had a loving relationship with his kids and now look!!
He's hiding upstairs (taken his tea up even). I'm still a disgrace. I need to grow up and I make everything about me. Welcome to a shitty lockdown !!

user47000000000 · 07/04/2020 21:23

Ok, he is being an ABSOLUTE DICK...

Is he normally a nice loving kind partner, do you love him and do you want to stay?

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