Step daughter calling me "mean"

[JELH3]

Hi all
I've been with my SO now for 4.5 years. We have a 2 year old together. He has two daughters aged 12 and 7. I've always had a great relationship with both of them. Always left the discipline to their dad, played with them tirelessly, created shops and other games for them every time they came, sneaked extra chocolate to them.

I found out a couple of hours ago that my partner's 7 year old has told her mum that she no longer wants to come over cause I am "mean". My partner said he has NEVER witnessed this and she told her mum that I'm only mean when daddy isn't around. Apparently his 12 year old backed her up. I've been in tears ever since. I've never been even close to "mean" to either of them. We've always had a lovely and loving relationship and to suggest that I am only when my SO isn't around is deeply upsetting for me. The truth is, in fact, I can count on one hand only the amount of times I've been alone with the kids. If one of us needs to go out when they're around, it's always me and I leave my SO at home with the kids.

I'm shellshocked and deeply upset. I have a good relationship (up until now) with their mother so I know it isn't coming from her.

My SO is suggesting I should somehow apologise to 7 yr old. For what ?? This sounds entirely unreasonable of me but quite frankly, I don't want to speak to either of them (childish I know but it's the way i feel) . Apparently she has gone home and told her maternal family that I have been mean before.

SO and I now not speaking. He can't seem to understand how I feel.

Help!
X

[JELH3TAKE2]

He can be perfectly lovely and kind. He can also be selfish and unsupportive. If an incident crops up, he always gets on the defensive. Never understands my POV. Arguments never get resolved because he'll never agree with me. Or apologise. He's Never wrong.

My close friends think I should leave him. It's so difficult because I love him but i understand that it's toxic when you clash and cannot agree to disagree ever. And now i know that I'm guilty until proven innocent when his kids lie about my behaviour!

[msmith501]

Considering how hard it is to be a step parent, it sounds as if your SO has found a really decent person in you and if he had the emotional intelligence to reflect properly and rationally , he would probably see that. Sadly... he doesn't have what is needed and when push has come to shove, he has sided with his ex. The reason I don't say "sided with his children" (which might be acceptable in other circumstances) is that either he hasn't got the full facts so he's just being influenced by his ex or he has got the facts, found out that you are in the right and dare not lose face in front of his ex. Either way, he's not a keeper. The sad thing is that the Children have clearly grown to love you (and you them) over the years and have been allowed to back themselves into a corner - it's now almost impossible for one or both of them to admit that maybe they made a mistake or got things out of proportion without making their mum and dad look like fools - and they will be too scared to do that. is it possible that they have been led to believe that he will return to live with their Mum and so are "helping" him to see you in a poorer light by comparison? It is also wrong of him to call you names if he is not prepared to discuss what the actual "thing you did wrong" is. Hard to know how to come back from this

[LittleMcJiggle]

He needs to grow up and fucking parent his child rather than glossing over the problem by having you apologise for nothing.

Is he always this lazy when it comes to parenting?

[nellythenarwhal]

I'm so sorry OP.

You're right about the children not being able to talk freely if the "offender" is there. Doesn't he even accept that your presence might mean that she's too "scared" to talk? Say you had smacked her or something- would she really say that if you were in the room?

Your h is the disgusting one. He must know it's bollocks! You've not even called her a liar- you want to know what you've been accused of so you can explain or apologize depending on what it is. Would he accept you being mad at him and not saying why? Would he apologize to someone without knowing what he's apologizing for?

[KatherineJaneway]

I was disgraceful and disgusting for basically calling his daughter a liar

He's trying to put the blame on you rather than sort out the situation. You are not calling his dd a liar, you want the answer to a question. You can't resolve the situation unless his dd says specifically how you were 'mean'. I suspect the stunning silence, and your partners anger, is because there is no real instance of any type of meanness and his dd is like him, 'never wrong'. Rather than be open and honest and try to get to the bottom of the issue, he wants to gloss over it. However you do that once then the pattern is set and that would be no way to live.

[LittleMcJiggle]

Child or not, if someone insisted I go and apologise to X I'd want to know what for first. Otherwise it's just meaningless surely? Unless you actually know what you're apologising for, what is the point, you can't mean it unless you know what it is you're apologising for. Anyone including your useless DH I imagine, would be the same.

They are making this far more than it needs to be.

[conduitoffortune]

I have to say that I agree with your close friends. There is no reasonable way forward here. You can't just vacate the house or totally disengage whenever they are round, you can't be on your one with them again as you know that if they make an allegation they would be unconditionally backed up by both parents, and you can't ever rely on your DP to support you. That's no way for you to live, or your DC. SC seem to have achieved their goal, let them all get on with it.

[Windyatthebeach]

Best realisation when I threw exh out was knowing I never had to deal with his exes and dc again...
Ltb and claim Cms. Watch his ex complain then when her money is reduced...
He is a spineless twat and you and your dc deserve better.. As your dc gets older they will notice they are also second rate dc...

[OhLookHeKickedTheBall]

My dc have labelled me mean for various things. Most recently for telling them not to disturb their fathers business calls. Previous incidents have included shouting at DD - which I did because she was about to walk into a road without looking and it stopped her from doing it. I tell them I know they think I'm being mean but they need to realise x y and z but I don't apologise unless I have actually been mean.

Your SO needs to find out, without you there very rightly, what is happening that they think is mean. It could be as simple as you telling them not to be so rough with their sibling, but that's not something to apologise for rather than explain why it's being said. To put them in a confrontational situation will not help matters at all.

He needs to grow up and parent.

[Ariela]

Apparently she has gone home and told her maternal family that I have been mean before.

So she's not said to her Dad that you are mean, and you're only hearing 3rrd hand via the Dad from their Mum that you are mean?

I suggest keep out of the way and let your SO find out why they think you are mean (if they do think you are mean that is)

[VettiyaIruken]

He's being a twat.

How can you be calling her a liar when you don't even know what she is accusing you of and what you want is to know what she's said?

[bogoffmda]

Isn't the key to set this off two new babies one in each of her homes and the baby of the family has lost her position and is struggling with the situation. So attack is the only thing she knows to get attention.

OP - your DP sounds like an arse but he needs to sit down with his daughter and explain and reassure her that she is still important.

Some of the suggestions on here are crazy - but he needs to man up and parent his child properly. Hell new babies both homes, less attention from everyone and now corona removing all routine from our lives ( adults struggling let alone 7 yr olds) is enough to make any child feel insecure.

[JELH3TAKE2]

Yes, third hand. 7yo told mum, she tells my partner, he then speaks to kids and then to me with nothing other than "she doesn't want to come anymore cause she says you've been mean to her". That's all I know! Still!!

I refuse point blank to have a round the table meeting with a 7 yo. I very strongly believe, as her father, my partner should speak to her first to find out the ins and outs. Why has she been mean, when was she mean, what did she say/do. I'd quite like some heads up before I speak to her. He won't do this

I am 100% there's no truth in it. There was no catalyst last weekend when they were last here (they had a lovely time eating their fave foods, going for a walk round the field behind our house, playing in our campervan, playing monopoly, staying up later etc. Like I keep saying, I do not discipline so it cannot be she thinks I'm mean cause I've told her to tidy up. I'm always the good guy. This is why I'm so hurt and quite frankly pissed off.

[JELH3TAKE2]

Bogoff... I agree with you. I think and have told partner it's attention seeking because of our youngen and now her mum's new baby. And this is why he needs to sit down with her.
He thinks that's preposterous.

Like getting blood out of a stone.

She may well feel like an "attack" as a way of getting attention but I should not be the one to attack! She may be 7 and the other 12 but I still feel pretty aggrieved by this

[bogoffmda]

I would be aggrieved aswell - he does need to address it himself not you.

She has seen you as an easy target and often we hurt the ones we love the most because we know they will still love us! Which is a testament to your relationship with her.

Keep being you - it has worked before and will work again. Your DP needs to remove his rose tinted glasses and at least have a conversation with his 12 yr old first.

[Cabinfever10]

Could this be jealousy.
I don't mean of you but of there new siblings, in particular the 1 their mum has had.
I ask this because it screams LOOK AT ME, and with a new sibling at home this is a great way to get everyone to pander to them

[OhCaptain]

What are you going to do, OP?

Personally I’d be making him sleep in the campervan.

[aSofaNearYou]

I think the issues with the SD are irrelevant compared to the fact that you are with an absolute arsehole who doesn't pay you any respect or consideration. Your friends are right, you should leave him.

[LittleMcJiggle]

I go back to my point above that it is lazy parenting by your DP (and his ex if she's not pushing either) to not find out why this has been said.

It very well could be something like jealousy of the new babies, attention seeking whatever. But it's their parents responsibility to find out the reason and deal with that, not just get you to apologise so they don't have to bother. It's LAZY.

[AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff]

I hope today goes well for you

For what it is worth, I’d not be apologising either. Your SO needs to. And he needs to get to the bottom of it. For your sake as well as theirs.

I’d be hurt and fuming. I know they are just children but that doesn’t excuse lying.

[PerkyPomPoms]

This is a terrible situation - what will you do in the future?

[EKGEMS]

Fuck that shit throw him out and change the locks so his children won't darken your doorstep again. Guess you know why he and his ex split! Incapable of basic parenting or humanity towards his wife

[nellythenarwhal]

Hope that the children have shed some light on the situation.

[AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff]

Me too. Having had a colleague lie like a bastard about me, I get the injustice of it all.

[AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff]

I know this isn’t the same by the way. Your situation must hurt terribly. X