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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter calling me "mean"

101 replies

JELH3 · 06/04/2020 20:27

Hi all
I've been with my SO now for 4.5 years. We have a 2 year old together. He has two daughters aged 12 and 7. I've always had a great relationship with both of them. Always left the discipline to their dad, played with them tirelessly, created shops and other games for them every time they came, sneaked extra chocolate to them.

I found out a couple of hours ago that my partner's 7 year old has told her mum that she no longer wants to come over cause I am "mean". My partner said he has NEVER witnessed this and she told her mum that I'm only mean when daddy isn't around. Apparently his 12 year old backed her up. I've been in tears ever since. I've never been even close to "mean" to either of them. We've always had a lovely and loving relationship and to suggest that I am only when my SO isn't around is deeply upsetting for me. The truth is, in fact, I can count on one hand only the amount of times I've been alone with the kids. If one of us needs to go out when they're around, it's always me and I leave my SO at home with the kids.

I'm shellshocked and deeply upset. I have a good relationship (up until now) with their mother so I know it isn't coming from her.

My SO is suggesting I should somehow apologise to 7 yr old. For what ?? This sounds entirely unreasonable of me but quite frankly, I don't want to speak to either of them (childish I know but it's the way i feel) . Apparently she has gone home and told her maternal family that I have been mean before.

SO and I now not speaking. He can't seem to understand how I feel.

Help!
X

OP posts:

Summersunandoranges · 06/04/2020 21:13

I doubt she hates your guts. It’s her looking for attention. Your the easiest target.

If one of my kids said that their step mum was being mean I’d raise it. If one of my kids said that my DH was being mean I’d raise it. It’s completely natural it’s been raised. What I’d expect off both parents it’s examples of what you’ve supposed to have done to her.

If neither one can be arsed to come up with evidence then I’d act completely normal. Ignore it.

But if wonder why your partner isn’t all over this.

KatherineJaneway · 06/04/2020 21:14

I defo need to dig for examples although I'm sure my partner will tell me it's too difficult for a 7 year old to remember!!!!

Which, as we know, is total bollocks. If you have been that mean, they could clearly recall exmaples.

Original poster

JELH3 · 06/04/2020 21:19

Thank you all. Really helpful

OP posts:

nellythenarwhal · 06/04/2020 21:20

There's 2 of them.

The 12yo must have seen an example of your alleged meanness too.

fuzzymoon · 06/04/2020 21:21

I don't understand this.
7yr old said you're mean when D is not there. Well a conversation doesn't end there. Surly her M asked why she's saying that. What happened.

You need to find out why shes saying that. Then you can rectify it. What she describes as mean could be normal day stuff. Saying you can't do something as you're dealing with your baby she could describe as mean. The meaning of mean may be different to her a child than you as an adult.

Why you're shutting down and getting really upset with her before you have the facts won't help. I can understand you're upset but get to the bottom of it first.

Original poster

JELH3 · 06/04/2020 21:23

V true. My next step is to find out from one or both specific examples.
And then to do as Elspeth says and leave them to it.
Aren't times difficult enough at the mo without this added bullshit

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 06/04/2020 21:24

Don’t apologise op, you will be opening a can of worms there and it could mean you get accused of worse, and it puts you on the back foot.

Apologising means accepting you are guilty.

Instead, try not to have such an emotional reaction, you need to stay in control. Just ask the two girls when you were mean,what did they mean, or have their father do it.

To a seven year old, being mean can be saying no to ice cream or making them go to bed at a certain time. It’s not the same as when an adult says it.

So you need to calm yourself down and try to deal with it maturely and pragmatically. And your partner needs to give his head a wobble.

copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 21:30

I have an 8 yr old and she's more than capable of telling whopping lies to benefit her. I've had no end of conversations with teachers about things she's said.

Dont apologise, if anything your dh needs to get to the bottom of this and ensure they apologise to you! He needs to talk to them and find out what's going on. Although he's more likely to be able to do this with the older one, it's likely the younger will have forgotten all about it by Thursday.

Monstermissy36 · 06/04/2020 21:31

My ds used to come back from his dads and say his step mum was mean or bossy etc... after some careful questions it turned out she was trying to instil some rules when their dad clearly wouldn't bother. IE use your knife and fork properly or brush your teeth etc.

It's no shock that they are now divorced and we still have a friendship of sorts do she can still keep in touch with the kids, where is doesn't really bother.

carly2803 · 06/04/2020 21:31

oh OP that's awful. NO you should not be apologising if you have not done anything wrong

kids are manipulative, even at 7!

I would never be alone with them again

nellythenarwhal · 06/04/2020 21:32

I'm surprised that the parents couldn't even find out if it was something you said or something you did that was "mean"

Summersunandoranges · 06/04/2020 21:33

I know your angry and hurt but I wouldn’t choose this time to be hostile with them. They are young and immature. They have no real idea of what’s going on behind the scenes right now.

They will be shitting themselves right now at the fall out of this and actually seeing you again. They wouldn’t have thought about the consequences.

I’d act totally normal but I’d absolutely drill your partner for examples of only to prove that you havnt

Don’t let this be start of a really bad road. They are kids. You are the adult

MeMeMeYou · 06/04/2020 21:36

I’d ask for a family conference or meeting with the girls and their dad where you confront the girls and say you’re sad they feel your mean, what exactly made them feel that way and agree a way forward. When put on the spot they will likely not be able to come up with anything much if it’s all about attention but you can get it out in he open and make suggestions or ground rules for everyone (you too) to feel comfortable with each other in the home

backaftera2yearbreak · 06/04/2020 21:37

Can you ask them to write down what you have allegedly fine to upset them?

BrooHaHa · 06/04/2020 21:38

Start from remembering that they are children and you are an adult. While I understand why you are upset about this, you have to rise above it and try not to take it personally.

On Thursday, talk to them about it, very non-judgementally. 'I was very upset to hear that you think I've been mean to you, and I want to make it better. Can you tell me what I've been doing that you think is mean?'

Summersunandoranges · 06/04/2020 21:44

As a step child I would have hated that Meme it’s confrontational. Your backing the kids in to a corner.

If you’ve got a feisty child they will come out fighting. I did.

The pressure needs to come from the dad to the child. What happened, when and where.

I’ve been a step mum and had one . The kids don’t choose. It’s down to us as adults to look at the bigger picture

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/04/2020 21:49

That’s so shit OP, I’m really sorry. Your partner is obviously scared about them not wanting to come but he’s completely in the wrong to expect you to apologise or undermining you, stand your ground.

Wishing you well.

IdleLiz · 06/04/2020 21:51

In other words, leave them fucking to it.

Agree. Let your DP have the pleasure of them to himself.

bacchanalwoman · 06/04/2020 22:15

That’s awful but too right Dad should ask questions. Don’t take it personally kids perceive all sorts as “mean” it’s hurtful but they are kids and don’t know better. I would ask for specifics from SO and the mom and if they weren’t forthcoming then disengage make yourself busy and unavailable when they are over. It’s down to the two parents to be sensible and get the bottom of it and correct the kids- not you. I can just imagine you trying to ask them questions and get tears or further accusations of meanness.

Anuta77 · 07/04/2020 01:42

I don't understand how he's asking you to apologize without providing examples. If it's just because he's afraid that they will stop coming and he doesn't care about what actually happen, I would be very wary. He's being an adult... or a parent.
I would try to talk to him when you both calm down and explain to him what others have said that sometimes the kids find the smallest things mean and that you should explain to them that if it's the case, it's in their interest. I would tell him that I feel hurt too because I have given them nothing but love. And that apologizing for nothing is not only humiliating but also sets a bad precedent. Say it calmly and be sure of yourself.
Once you know what happened, you can decide how to behave with them.
I had a situation when my then 14 year old SS told his mother that he disliked my way of being when I never did anything to him, it was him trying to manipulate my son to go against my rules. It hurt, but then it all passed. Hopefully, it passes in your case too. Hugs....

KatherineJaneway · 07/04/2020 05:31

Your SO is not supporting you either so that needs to be nipped in the bud. All this 'you must apologise' is his way of not dealing with the issue and glossing it over. That can't happen, start as you mean to go on.

'Mean' could mean anything and is likely to come to light as either a complete lie or something like you asked her to put some washing away, load the dishwasher, tidy her shoes away etc.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2020 09:53

She needs to give specific examples of what you're meant to have done and when.

I'm surprised that the mum and dad didn't ask this tbh.

If you have a good relationship with her mum, could you try speaking to her about it?

Considering all the lovely things you do and playing games with them, it must be terribly hurtful to hear this.

Can you think of anything that may have happened during their last visit to bring this on?

SnowsInWater · 07/04/2020 10:02

The seven year old’s nose is out of joint because she is no longer daddy’s baby, her sister of course back her up. Classic reactions although that is no consolation to you, but there is no way that I would give a 7yo the power in this situation by apologising when you have. I thing to apologise for. Your partner needs to grow a pair and not look for the easy way out by putting it all on you. The adults need to keep control of the situation as in the end that is what will make these girls feel emotionally safe. I would smile when you see them, be pleasant and try to carry on as normal no matter how hard you have to grit your teeth, but refuse to be alone with the girls for now.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2020 10:03

@MeMeMeYou

I’d ask for a family conference or meeting with the girls and their dad where you confront the girls and say you’re sad they feel your mean

Do you really think confrontation is appropriate with a 7 and 12 year old?

In terms of resolution, it's
not about the OP feeling sad.. and transferring her feelings onto the
children, as this can be seen as manipulation to get them to change what they're saying.

It's about finding out what the 7 year old interprets as mean and what the 12 year old allegedly witnessed.

Like many have said, mean from a child's POV, can be no more sweets, move further away from the TV or do your homework.

Holdingmybreath · 07/04/2020 10:13

You can't apologise when you don't know what for or if their are interpretation is something like to apologise for asking them to clear their plates.
If you're regularly not supposed to be mean when their dad is not there then tell him he mustn't leave them at all when they're there.

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