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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Jealous of the ex

40 replies

Pearsandpearls · 25/01/2020 16:37

I’m finding this One difficult.

Does anyone else feel jealous of the fact the your husband has already created another life with someone else, gone through pregnancy, birth, buying their first house, creating their own home.

We want to get pregnant but I’m struggling with this aspect and I am genuinely jealous of his past life. Or actually, rather jealous of his past experiences. Of me not being the first.

I’m also struggling with Ex’s relationship to his family. They stay I close contact, yet they are struggling to accept me. They at large blame me for their failure of mending their relationship. DH and I met only a couple of months after their separation. Any attempts or intentions she’s had to mend things were stopped in the tracks after I came into the picture.

As a result we are now in a parallel parenting situation. Relationships are very hostile and families are very much ‘siding’ with her.

Honestly ‘you know what you were getting into’ is not going to help. I had an idea of what I was going into, I don’t regret my decision but I’m struggling.

Any experience please share!!

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 26/01/2020 16:35

Forgot to add too. My eldest who is nearly 9 who I feel was the most affected by his dad’s negative behaviour, has become much brighter in himself since my his dad left.

I think some people on here actually trivialise the opposite of separation, and they think that if a child lives with both parents full time they instantly have a better life. I think people who think way are still bitter about their own divorce and their divorce wasn’t as positive as my break up has been.

funinthesun19 · 26/01/2020 16:36

*my his is supposed to say “his dad”.

SandyY2K · 26/01/2020 21:08

Hang on a second. magda is the furthest from bitter it’s possible to be. I’ve rarely come across a poster who’s calmer, kinder, more insightful, and better balanced

I absolutely agree with this. I've always found Magda to be objective in her posts, with the experience of being both an Ex wife and a SM.

OP... I'm not so sure I could cope with the ILS resenting me and seeing me as the reason they didn't get back together.

My brother is divorced and remarried and tbh I was closer to his Ex, then his current wife.
I can't see myself ever getting as close to her, but I don't make her feel unwelcome.

I still see my ex SIL and I make a point of asking my DNs how their mum (ex SIL) is in front of my new SIL.

I don't ever want DNs to feel that their mum has been cast aside.

TriangleBingoBongo · 27/01/2020 12:25

Magda- I tagged you in error (and haste) and apologise. I have gotten you mixed up.

Luckystar20 · 27/01/2020 12:39

I think what madga is saying at that moment they were happy so much so they had got married and have dc that doesnt go away. It's easier for people to rewrite history and say they weren't happy and it was a mistake when ultimately things went soar that doesnt mean before that wasnt happy. It simply just didnt work out.

Appy21 · 27/01/2020 13:01

Yep, been there, got the t shirt!

I realised one day, why the hell am I sat here thinking about and being jealous of, DHs ex when everyone else around me including DH and Ex, are quite happy moving on with their lives. I was the one causing my own paranoia and sadness and jealousy.

In reality, he had a relationship before me just as I have before him, that didn't work out. His just happened to be longer and had more 'firsts' than mine. But I know from experience, my own, my friends, my parents etc..., That first does not always equal best. I truly believed my 'first' love, was the one for me. Turned out he wasn't and I am much happier and better suited to DH, I just didn't know it at the time.

Lives move on and evolve all the time, there is nothing to be jealous of.

My parents were married over 20 years and whilst they always respect the time they spent together, they do seem much happier now. I think it's easy when you're young to get swept up in the 'supposed to's' of life. You meet someone, you buy a house, you get married, you have 2.5 kids etc... I think a lot of people look back when they are older and realise that probably wasn't the best decision for them at the time.

You can't change his past, only how you react to it! And don't fall into the trap of thinking 'well it's because she's awful and I'm better', 'they didn't really love each other like we do' etc...because they probably did once upon a time. It doesn't take anything away from your relationship now though. There's no such thing as soul mates, one person for everyone etc... 99.9% of people love more than one person throughout their life. Sometimes it doesn't work and other times it does.

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2020 18:29

*I make a point of asking my DNs how their mum (ex SIL) is in front of my new SIL.

I don't ever want DNs to feel that their mum has been cast aside.*

Why specifically in front of your new SIL? I get why you would ask them for their sake, but going out of your way to do it when she's there rather than just not minding if she is seems like a bit of a power play...

funinthesun19 · 27/01/2020 21:28

I agree and I think it’s really pathetic.

To PP, your DNs will know their mum hasn’t been cast aside without the silly games. Why can’t you just naturally ask them whether SIL is in the room or not? Your way all sounds a bit staged and fake all for the purposes of trying to prove some point to your SIL. Let’s hope she figures you out and finds you entertaining every time there is a family get together. Maybe she might shock you and join in with the conversation

NextdoorNeighbourIsATwat · 27/01/2020 22:56

Totally asofa. That's nothing to do with the children. All about the SIL

stuffedpeppers · 27/01/2020 23:23

OP -the second time is just different. I will not have DCS with my new partner but the new house is imminent and various other things. We both just approach it in a different way from when we were young.
To be honest my DP was a bit of a dick when he was younger and Iwould not have looked at him once in his 20s from what I have heard!

Time and life have matured him into someone i really do like and get on with ina completely differentway to my EX.

My Exs family have been so supportive of me since we split, they are like my own family. They made it very clear that EX could have a new partner and they would be welcome but neither him or her had the right to tell grown adults who they could be friends of. We were married for 17 years.

I don't regret my first marriage - we had a ball, lost our way and I have 2 DCS to celebrate it. Ex and I are in a different head space now - the man i fell in love with changed and not for the better but regret my time with him - never!

SandyY2K · 27/01/2020 23:35

Why specifically in front of your new SIL?

Because I don't want them thinking their mum can never be mentioned in front of their SIL or while they're with our side of the family.

I'm not going to whisper her name out of earshot of SIL like she's a dirty secret.

I know how difficult it was for my DNs when DB got divorced and later married.
DN shared with her cousin (my DD) that her DM wasn't part of the family anymore and wouldn't be coming on our extended family days out or family gatherings....she was very upset about it.

DD told me this, so I have always been mindful of this and wanted her and my other DNs to know that just because my brother has remarried, it doesn't mean their mum is never to be mentioned in our presence.

stuffedpeppers · 28/01/2020 08:29

Appy21 - so well put.

aSofaNearYou · 28/01/2020 09:10

Sandy well that response makes it sound a lot more like you just mention her to your DNs every time you see them, rather than specifically when your new SIL is there. But tbh I can't see any reason to make a point of doing it when she is in the room unless you on some level felt she had no right to be there or deserved to suffer.

She may not be bothered, but if she is someone like OP, struggling to come to terms with her place in the family, then I can't see why you would take pride or pleasure in the fact that you are feeding into the insecurities that are making her miserable, as well as impressing on her that her husband's family like to make a point of making her feel uncomfortable when she sees them. Unless she has deliberately done something to make her step daughters feel pushed out, that seems like quite a cruel thing to take pleasure in.

It's not about never mentioning their mother in front of her, but making a point of doing it in front of her, rather than just saying it organically whether she is there or not, sounds like an action motivated by being antagonistic towards her, rather than kindness towards the children.

It's certainly exactly the kind of thing that has driven OP to posting on here.

Luciaaaaaaa7 · 01/07/2025 06:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 01/07/2025 20:08

I was quietly jealous of my ex husband's first wife because she is beautiful, a really nice person and a really good Mum.
My former step children are adults/late teens now and really, really lovely kids (I still think of them as being kids as haven't seen much of them in recent years).
After miscarriages, I was definitely jealous that she had children with him.
But, then I had my DC with him and the jealousy disappeared.
We stay in touch via text, as he's occasionally taken our DC to see them/her and my DC love her; she's like a bonus 'Aunt'.

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