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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Photos

31 replies

CbonusM02 · 21/01/2020 10:52

Hi all, bit of background - I am a step/bonus mum to 2 kids from my partners previous relationship, and we have 2 kids. Partner and I have been together for 5 years.

Im just interested to see everyone's opinions regarding photos being done.

Got 'family photos' coming up that I've organised, and I kindly invited the bonus kids mother along to it. I had planned for all of us to take a group photo for the kids - but now she has turned around and said she wants photos with my partner her and their children. They have never had a family photo before, so why would she start now? Is it bc he does have another family? We have an okay relationship.

I think it's a little bit weird as she says it's for her children bc it's their family - but in reality isn't it all of us together? They aren't a 'single' family anymore - they don't do any family things together, just drop off and pick ups. Obviously it is between them to sort it out as my partner is against it happening as he thinks it wouldn't be right as that's not their family anymore.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

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WhoFramedRoger · 21/01/2020 10:59

Hmmm I think it’s a bit odd. I could understand her asking for maybe one shot of just her and her kids, but including just your DH and excluding you / half siblings is a bit weird.
By the way I think it’s lovely you invited her along

Pilot12 · 21/01/2020 11:06

I wouldn't have invited her at all as she's not part of the "family unit" that consists of you, your DP and the children. If she wants a photo of her and the kids she should arrange her own photo shoot. Tell her you don't need her to come along anymore.

funinthesun19 · 21/01/2020 11:15

Oh dear. I think you’ve opened a can of worms here by inviting her along. She’s now making demands which will tinge the photo shoot now. You should have just kept her out of it.
If I’m honest I always find these types of photos a bit twee anyway so I’m baffled as to why you invited her along for that reason alone.

Why not just do some nice ones of you, your dh and the kids? You don’t need to have his ex in it. She’s ruined your idea now anyway.

SandyY2K · 21/01/2020 12:58

I wouldn't have invited her at all as she's not part of the "family unit"

I agree.

Your DH just needs to say No.

slipperywhensparticus · 21/01/2020 13:01

The children would like that, but how about a counter offer of all of you him yourself the kids everyone see if she backs down

Magda72 · 21/01/2020 13:12

I'm with @Pilot12 & @funinthesun19. And I'm speaking as a dm who's three kids have two half siblings on their df's side. At 'our' eldest's uni graduation recently we did take one of me, ds & his dad but left ALL siblings out of it. We then took one of graduating ds, me & my kids (his 'full' siblings) & one of graduating ds, his df, sm & ALL his siblings - I would no more dreamed of suggesting one of me, exh & our kids while sm & half siblings were stood there like spare wheels!!! We are no longer a family unit - my kids & I are & exh & all his kids are along with his dw.
Tell her you've rethought & if she wants a family portrait & let her do it herself!!! Honestly can't believe her cheek!!!!

Magda72 · 21/01/2020 13:14

& @slipperywhensparticus I don't think the kids would like it! It would put them in an awful fake contrived situation replicating a past that is no longer relevant.

aSofaNearYou · 21/01/2020 13:54

I think it's very cheeky of her to ask for this at a paid photoshoot, rather like a wedding guest cornering the wedding photographer and expecting a print. Like others I also wouldn't have invited her.

Mumbassa · 21/01/2020 14:01

I wouldn’t have invited her at all, but I’d definitely say no to a photo on her own with the kids and DH

SpoonBlender · 21/01/2020 14:16

If you're on good enough terms to be inviting her along, I'd have been intentionally planning for having the various splits as photos - an everyone; you/dp/all kids; you/dp/your kids; her/dp/her kids; an all-kids one; all boys; all girls; whatever.

But since I'd have gone in with that idea, I'd have asked at the outset whether she wanted to split the costs 30/70 or so. Everyone wins.

Dandelion1993 · 21/01/2020 14:27

I think inviting her is weird and a photo of you all weirder.

stuffedpeppers · 21/01/2020 15:44

Ask the SDCs what they want?

Mine wanted one photo where they had Mum, Dad and their half sibling all together - because to them, that was their family. N photos of them were allowed in the other house - but half sib had that one in his room aswell!!

OP - you are a very generous person

Pilot12 · 21/01/2020 15:59

I agree with @Dandelion1993, you wanting to be in the picture is weird. You are not the children's mother or their step mother as you're not married to their Dad. You're just their Dad's girlfriend.

I think it's nice of you to arrange for the children to have a photo session with their Dad (perhaps the children could give a framed photo of just them to their Mum for Mother's Day) but you want a picture to put on the wall that looks like you're "Mum".

If I was the children's Mother I wouldn't be happy with this photo with you in it.

Pilot12 · 21/01/2020 16:06

Sorry. I didn't read the bit about you having two kids as well, I thought it was just your DP that had kids, ignore my previous comment.

sassbott · 21/01/2020 18:24

It’s nice but naive of you to have invited her IMO.

There is zero chance I would ever take a photo with my exh unless it was a special occasion like a wedding/ graduation (where in those situations it’s about the child graduating/ child getting married) and I think on the whole parents (even if divorced) will take a photo with their child.

But a family photo shoot? Nope. Not a chance I would have a photo of me, my exh and our kids. We’re friends but that’s it. We’re no longer a unit.

stuffedpeppers · 21/01/2020 18:34

sassbott - sometimes it is not about your unit - it is about what the kids perceive as their unit.

Have to say (minus DV) how sad that people can not have a photo of themselves with the two people who created them. That is THEIR unit.

aSofaNearYou · 21/01/2020 18:39

Yes but it is OPs family shoot, she isn't paying for all the other family members of the children, or objecting to the ex booking her own shoot and inviting her husband. And even if she did, her husband doesn't want to do it so it is irrelevant to "their unit". He obviously does not view himself like that.

allthesharks · 21/01/2020 18:46

Are you planning on having a photo done of you, DP and your joint children (excluding your SC)? That is the equivalent of what she is wanting and that scenario seems very unkind to the SC. Likewise, excluding your children from a photo with their Dad would be unkind to them. I say it's the equivalent, although it's actually weirder because a photo of SC, their Dad and their Mum is an attempt to erase the past as though the present reality doesn't exist.

If you're not planning a photo excluding his children from your family unit, then I would explain it to her this way, that you aren't excluding her children and you don't appreciate her trying to exclude yours. They are all siblings and they are all the children of their Dad.

LatentPhase · 21/01/2020 19:16

Does their dm have a bf or new partner? Is this photo going to hang on the wall in her house and if so, what would he think?

Can of worms. This for me sums up the weirdness that can go on. I like to have nice clear boundaries. Am aware that’s not the case for everyone (am looking at you, DP’s ex, who despite being separated nearly 10 years wanted to invite herself to DP’s parents’ teeeeeny-tiny wedding anniversary that included only their dc + partners.. haha!).

Ginger1982 · 21/01/2020 19:34

If you're paying for it, I would say no.

sassbott · 21/01/2020 20:14

If the EXW wanted a photo of them as a ‘unit’ because that’s what the children wanted then that’s for the ew to arrange and pay for. With just her children and the exh there. And if my children ever said, ‘we’d like a photo of you and daddy with us,’ I would arrange it. But there is no way I would expect my partner to be there, with our children, standing around like some spare parts.
And even more paying for it! The entitlement of ex wives throws me completely sometimes it has to be said.

The OP arranged this and it’s very kind of her to invite the Exw so that she doesn’t feel excluded. As evidenced absolutely no one else on this thread would.

stuffedpeppers · 21/01/2020 23:18

Geez slightly aggressive - like I said what the kids perceive as "their unit" may not be what others do and it is not all about the parent.
Each to their own.

AS the EX I would never be inviting the Ex OW to a family photo shoot.
Like i saud OP is very generous

Magda72 · 22/01/2020 00:11

Well to be perfectly honest if my kids turned around and said they wanted a photo of them, me & their dad (excluding half siblings & sm) because that is what they consider their family unit I'd think exh & I had done a pretty bad job in helping them move on with their lives & adjusting to changing situations!
Op has been with her partner 5 years not 5 months & if the kids & exw haven't learned to reframe the family unit at this stage then that's not good. I know some kids struggle with this more than others but they still need to be encouraged to move forward - trying to reinforce a family unit that no longer exists helps no one, especially the kids.

HeddaGarbled · 22/01/2020 00:31

If I were her, I’d be humiliated and patronised by being added on to your ‘family’ photos, while you congratulated yourself on how ‘kindly’ you were being.

She’s trying to assert herself to stop feeling like a pitiful add-on.

Cancel the whole thing. It’s become a power-play. You can do your own thing discreetly. And have a bit more sensitivity in future.

Original poster

CbonusM02 · 22/01/2020 03:32

More info:

My partners children are 8&6. My two are 1&3months. What the plan was, was that my family were going to take photos for the first half of the session as it will take a while to get photos sorted as my 1 year old doesnt like sitting still, and might take a while to settle both babies. I then invited her to come half way through to do be to do photos with her and her children, plus a couple of group photos. We had spoken previously about getting these photos done (she would never organise it though, it would be all me doing the work) , but she never ever mentioned anything about just her, my partner and their kids. Hence why it threw me off.

OP posts:

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