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Step-parenting

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Feeling a bit pissed off with ex’s wife.

33 replies

CathyTre · 02/01/2020 17:38

My ex left me when our youngest child was 10 months old. Affair had been going on for a while. They are now married, and I am also very happily remarried; I have zero interest in her except as far as her relationship with my children goes and they seem to like her.

My ex has been having some fairly serious health problems recently - symptoms actually which would strongly point to bowel cancer, and he has been in a real tizz about this. It turns out from test results that he does not have cancer but does actually have a fairly serious and unpleasant condition.

Over the Christmas break therefore, I have had the kids (7 and 3) on his weekends to help out and also had them over their school holidays except for three nights.

Today, he called me at seven a.m. to ask when I could have the children back ASAP as they “ need time together” and “although I’ve had the kids he and wife haven’t had quality time whilst I’ve had them all the extra time as he’s been so anxious about his health”.

I said I’d be back to have them by lunchtime (it’s technically his day and obviously I haven’t had time alone with my husband due to helping out ex- she needs quality time with him and I should have come back early to facilitate this!)

Am I being unreasonable to think I’ve bent over backwards to help them and be pissed off that that’s not good enough for her and to resent being slagged off when actually I’ve been really very flexible and done what’s in the best interests of my kids?

My husband has two teenage kids to whom I am step mum; she is late twenties and 12 years older than my ex and has no kids of her own although she is a teacher of KS1.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 02/01/2020 19:24

They say no good deed goes unpunished- so you know what to do from now on - stick to the letter of your agreement and refuse any requests for flexibility.

CathyTre · 02/01/2020 19:28

I feel like that. No good deed goes unpunished I mean. I might not be flexible another time.

Except I always will because it’s my kids 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
CathyTre · 02/01/2020 19:29

He actually cried in the phone to me before the results came and said only I understood!

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 02/01/2020 19:42

They’re definitely being unreasonable. His DP has chewed his ear off about not having any quality time, probably because she doesn’t enjoy having the children at their house.

CathyTre · 02/01/2020 19:44

The lord knows what will happen when they have a baby! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Frankola · 02/01/2020 20:17

You're not unreasonable for being annoyed but you should really be annoyed at your ex, not his wife.

TriangleBingoBongo · 02/01/2020 20:23

Your ex is a wuss. I’d be really worried about the baby, will be more of an excuse not to have your DC. It is hard going being an SM and having a new baby at the best of times. Dads focus on their existing kids and you feel whilst muddling through being a new mum that you’re on your own. If he’s weak and the GF doesn’t cope well it could push them apart.

WhereDidThisComeFrom · 02/01/2020 22:58

As a step mum myself - despite everything they have put you through you sound so lovely.

I will say though, through experience don't always blame the new wife. He very well may be looking for excuses himself and using the new wife as a way to deflect blame.

Many a times since getting along with the exW I've had to deflect DH reality to what actually was reality. Could be a mix of emotions or just being a coward.

Point is, issue here remains your ex husband even thought this was an acceptable situation. It was not. Whether it came from her or not, he still went for it.

As their father, like you are doing as their mother, kids should always come first. No wife or girlfriend should come above that.

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