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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD is upset as he says I care more for my niece and nephew than for my step daughter

80 replies

Mackerz · 11/10/2019 22:09

DP and I have a child together. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship. I have a great relationship with my niece and nephew as I have baby sat for them since they were born. I didn’t meet DSD til she was 7 and have known her for 3 years.

I work full time, as does my sis and her DP. DPs ex works for 16 hours a week. I have always said that parenting DSD is DP and his ex’s responsibility, although of course DSD is always welcome in my house (DP, DD and I live in my house and DSD stays over two nights per week).

DP has just hit the roof because he found out that I’ve used some flexi time to pick up niece and nephew from school a couple of times over the last month. This is because my sis was having problems (now resolved) with childcare. He said I clearly don’t care about DSD as much as I do about nephew and niece as I don’t offer to pick her up from school (as above, DSDs mum works part time so school pick up has never been an issue).

When I think about it, I do love my niece and nephew and only like DSD. I’m kind to her, care for her when she is here and would never be mean to her, but I definitely don’t have the same bond with her as I do with my niece and nephew. DP has obviously noticed this before and the school pick up thing is what’s brought it to a head. He’s making me feel guilty though. I can’t force a bond to develop though can I?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 11/10/2019 22:14

No of course not. Your niece and nephew are your blood relatives, but dsd isn't. You didn't do anything wrong anyway - dsd's mum hasn't asked you to pick her up from school (and maybe she wouldn't want you to).

Original poster

Mackerz · 11/10/2019 22:17

@single

Thanks but I think that’s just what brought it to a head. Niece is very affectionate towards me and I am affectionate back. Niece, nephew and I always tell each other that we love each other when we’re saying bye. These are just examples, but they don’t happen with DSD. I’d be really uncomfortable about coming on too strong with DSD, I think the child should lead the relationship, is that wrong?

OP posts:

Drabarni · 11/10/2019 22:19

Of course this is natural, you have blood relatives, and a bond developed over many years.
Sounds like your DP wants you to do his parenting. How is he with your shared child?
I'd be worried about him hitting the roof, sounds like he has a temper.

Original poster

Mackerz · 11/10/2019 22:24

@drabarni

He’s fine with DD. I think it’s just because he can understand why I love DD more than I love DSD but he can’t see why I’m closer to nephew and niece, than I am to his daughter.

He does have a temper but it’s more of a strop, followed by an attention seeking sulk. He’s not violent.

OP posts:

DonnaPaulsenSpecter · 11/10/2019 22:52

Is he serious? YANBU at all. His daughter is the responsibility of him and her mother, not you. You're not there to offer free childcare as and when it suits him nor should you be expected to.

Furthermore, how dare he hit the roof over something like this. How does he justify it at all? They are your family, you are more than entitled to do as you wish around them. Do not let this man make you second guess your relationship and separate you from your family.

Make it clear to him that parenting is his responsibility with her mother, you will not get involved. However, you are always welcoming to her and make an effort when she is there, but you are not going to support her financially or get involved with things that are not to do with you. Also inform him he has no right to get involved with your family business unless you explicitly ask him to.

I hope he overall treats you well OP, if not, as it's your house, do not think twice about telling him where to go.

Best of luck to you! Do not allow yourself to be the step-mum that is just childcare and extra financial support because the man doesn't really want to pull his weight and make effort.

Drabarni · 11/10/2019 23:00

Temper, strop, abusive my love.
Sounds like you can do better.

AthollPlace · 11/10/2019 23:10

Your niece and nephew are your blood relatives. So is your sister. Of course you’re going to help your sister more than you help your partner’s ex. You have no ties to DSD, if you split with DP tomorrow you’d never see her again.

stuffedpeppers · 11/10/2019 23:14

Op - lets be honest she is not welcome in "your" house -you make that quite clear. You feel your niece and nephew have more rights than your daughters sister. If he has picked up on that , then no doubt he feels a bit miffed.

How him making a comment like he did translates into he wants you to do all the work fro him comes from i do not know. A you said the icing on the cake for him.

Pinkpanther473 · 11/10/2019 23:25

I think your relationship is different with dsd. She can’t love you in such an uncomplicated way as your dd and dns do. I think you are right to respond to the signs you get from her and just be kind to her and support your dp to care for her.
I used to feel guilty for liking/loving my stepmum and I appreciate that she was quite relaxed and kind with me.
So I wouldn’t worry that the same feelings are not there for dsd as for dns.
Dp def being unreasonable to expect more from you. Childcare is for him and dsd mum to do, not you.
That’s how it is with my dsd anyway. I facilitate her to come and stay etc but dp takes the lead with her care, after all that’s why she comes, to spend time with her dad.

Novembersbean · 11/10/2019 23:28

Stuffedpeppers you literally just sit and wait to jump on a thread to tell a step mum how awful she is when she clearly isn't.

OP has never been asked to do pick ups for her step daughter, she is helping out her own sister, probably the closest person to her in the world. Her partner is trying to limit the relationship she can have with her own family because he thinks she should be doing more for his regardless of whether there is need for it, though there is no evidence that she has been anything but welcoming and accommodating to him parenting his own child. It is incredibly controlling and demanding.

Novembersbean · 11/10/2019 23:43

Even setting aside the fact that you should of course be free to offer whatever help you want to your own family - if I was consistently kind and accommodating to my step child and my partner tried to give me a telling off for not sacrificing enough then I would think he was being very bloody cheeky, and I don't think the relationship would last.

SunshineAngel · 11/10/2019 23:58

@stuffedpeppers What the actual hell are you on about at all?

OP: You are doing the best you can with your DSD. The truth is that she is not your child, so you will not have the close bond with her that you have with your sister's children, and you should absolutely NOT stop doing the things you always would have done with them, just because you now have a DSD. I am the same with my DSS. I take care of him (he lives with us apart from every other weekend), and cook for him, make his packed lunches, talk to him when he needs me, do his washing - I fill as much of the "mum" role as I can, and I am there whenever he needs anything. That does not mean that I am going to pull back from other family members, nor should anyone expect it.

Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great :).

Original poster

Mackerz · 12/10/2019 05:34

Thank you all. I just saw stuffedpeppers post and was about to respond but see that you’ve all done that for me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mackerz · 12/10/2019 08:00

@Drabarni. It’s the 2 day sulks that do my head in!

@DonnaPaulsenSpecter. Yes I have an exit if I need it. DP was living in an HMO when I met him, he was trying to rebuild his life financially after the split with his ex. It wasn’t a safe place for him to take DSD so I have provided that for him and DSD.

@stuffedpeppers. It is my house because I own it and I pay the mortgage. I’m also providing a safe place for DSD to spend time with her Dad, which they didn’t have before.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 12/10/2019 08:10

You feel your niece and nephew have more rights than your daughters sister.

The op has a strong bond with her niece and nephew and has been looking after them since they were babies. This is an arrangement that has been going on for a long time. Why should the op try and do the exact same for her partner’s child, who she only met when the child was 7? It’s just not going to happen is it.

The op used some of her flexi time to help her sister who she is close to. Now why on earth would she use her precious flexi time to pick up her partner’s child, especially when her mum works 16 hours per week?

aweedropofsancerre · 12/10/2019 08:17

Sounds like he wants you to start taking on some parenting tasks for his DC as do a lot of men sadly who seem to think a new woman will simply deal with there kids as the mum did before . He has fallen on his feet with you, moved into your home, his Dc has somewhere to stay twice a week and instead of him enjoying his life with you he is picking up on a close relationship you have with your sisters kids. I would stand firm and tell him to cut it out and this ridiculous comparison between his DD you have known for 3 yrs cannot be compared to your sisters DC.

whiteroseredrose · 12/10/2019 08:21

What sancerre said. He's wanting you to take on a more motherly role with his DD which will let him off the hook a bit. Not your responsibility though. His DD has two parents.

LL83 · 12/10/2019 08:22

Helping out with practical issues for sister does not show you care about niece and nephew more. They would have been collected from school by someone but abandoned but likely your sisters work would have suffered.

It is also ok that there are different feelings for niece and nephew than dsd because you haven't known her as long.

I would tell dp niece and nephew are completely separate and not in competition with dsd. Ask him if looking purely at your relationship with dsd he has any concerns? Tell him you dont see that he needs your practical help but you do enjoy dsd company and like her being around.

If he is just pissed off that he is the default parent 2 days per week for his own child and wants you to do more for his benefit then i would be really annoyed.

LL83 · 12/10/2019 08:23

*not abandoned

DriftingLeaves · 12/10/2019 08:25

My mental image of stuffed peppers waiting to leap on a step mother is quite amusing.

Original poster

Mackerz · 12/10/2019 08:27

@drifting

Mine too 😂

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 12/10/2019 08:30

Tell him that affection should be child lead.
That it would be unfair to force his child to show the level of affection you get from your sisters children.
And as you would never ask him to pick the children up from school, you are sure his DDs mother would also have something to say about the matter.
That since he has so little time with his child your wondering why he would give up any of it at all.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/10/2019 08:34

I don't think it's the being a blood relative that is the issue here. I think the issues are time and responsibility. You have known your niece and nephew a lot longer, you have spent 1:1 time and been responsible for them, this brings bonds of love for most people.

Over time this may come with you step-daughter, or it may not. You take care of her, you're interested in her and you respect her family relationships. Nothing in your post says you wouldn't have stepped up if her Mum had asked you to help, in reality, though she would (and should) have asked your husband first in most instances.

MzHz · 12/10/2019 08:38

So a stroppy dp has had a huff because you’re not stepping in and doing the job that 2 people already have got?

The 2 day silence needs to be stopped now - he either acts like a man and understands his own role in his own dd life and your support role in that, or he mans the fuck up provides his own home for him and dad to be in and assumes ALL the dad duties like cooking, cleaning, washing etc etc etc.

I’m afraid this would be a nail in the coffin for me. Not saying the last nail, but a nail nonetheless

Those who sulk are basically engaging in manipulative/abusive behaviour and I don’t tolerate that in my life anymore

MzHz · 12/10/2019 08:41

Dsd not dad

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