DSD is upset as he says I care more for my niece and nephew than for my step daughter

[Mackerz]

DP and I have a child together. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship. I have a great relationship with my niece and nephew as I have baby sat for them since they were born. I didn’t meet DSD til she was 7 and have known her for 3 years.

I work full time, as does my sis and her DP. DPs ex works for 16 hours a week. I have always said that parenting DSD is DP and his ex’s responsibility, although of course DSD is always welcome in my house (DP, DD and I live in my house and DSD stays over two nights per week).

DP has just hit the roof because he found out that I’ve used some flexi time to pick up niece and nephew from school a couple of times over the last month. This is because my sis was having problems (now resolved) with childcare. He said I clearly don’t care about DSD as much as I do about nephew and niece as I don’t offer to pick her up from school (as above, DSDs mum works part time so school pick up has never been an issue).

When I think about it, I do love my niece and nephew and only like DSD. I’m kind to her, care for her when she is here and would never be mean to her, but I definitely don’t have the same bond with her as I do with my niece and nephew. DP has obviously noticed this before and the school pick up thing is what’s brought it to a head. He’s making me feel guilty though. I can’t force a bond to develop though can I?

Tell him that affection should be child's lead. As his child don't show the level of affection you get from your sisters children you can not and should not force her to do so.

Second, his daughters BM will probably kick off big time if you are trying to be a mum (step mum) and will cause lot of trouble to you all. Your sister don't have complicated feelings towards you. She loves you. She is your family.

Your partners reaction is unfair.
Probably he wants to have his first daughter to have everything m o r e than his second daughter just out of his own guilt (that he isn't with her mum any more). Blaming you or making you feel bad because of his decisions and actions is wrong thing to do.

I thought parents has to formally agree with school on a List of which adults could pick up children from school. Have the parents both confirmed to school that OP is permitted to collect the stepchild/ren?

I think he's trying to guilt trip you (emotional manipulation) into taking on even more of HIS parental responsibilities on top of the stuff you do for them already.

he can’t see why I’m closer to nephew and niece, than I am to his daughter
Is he really that thick? Cos if he is then he shouldn't be in charge of children at all.

Don't be surprised if now everything you do for/with your blood family comes under intense scrutiny and criticism....shame he doesn't expect his ex - the mother of his children - to 'step up' and take over more of his parenting responsibilities.

Tell him to fuck off. He is being childish and unreasonable.

If you base how I am with my niece you could say the same. But my niece had cancer and her bio dad (my brother) is an arsehole. Of course I'd prioritise her.

Partners girls have 2 parents aswell as two step parents providing care. If children cant understand the fact that sometimes a grown ups attention is needed elsewhere someone's parenting needs looking at.

I think its normal to feel a stronger bond with people you have known longer and some people feel a blood bond is stronger. I dont think its wrong to feel this at all. I also think that leaving her mum and dad to parent is exactly right.
However going forward dsd is your child's sister. It could be one of the most significant relationships in her life. So msybe invest a bit of time getting to know her better.