DSD is upset as he says I care more for my niece and nephew than for my step daughter

[Mackerz]

DP and I have a child together. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship. I have a great relationship with my niece and nephew as I have baby sat for them since they were born. I didn’t meet DSD til she was 7 and have known her for 3 years.

I work full time, as does my sis and her DP. DPs ex works for 16 hours a week. I have always said that parenting DSD is DP and his ex’s responsibility, although of course DSD is always welcome in my house (DP, DD and I live in my house and DSD stays over two nights per week).

DP has just hit the roof because he found out that I’ve used some flexi time to pick up niece and nephew from school a couple of times over the last month. This is because my sis was having problems (now resolved) with childcare. He said I clearly don’t care about DSD as much as I do about nephew and niece as I don’t offer to pick her up from school (as above, DSDs mum works part time so school pick up has never been an issue).

When I think about it, I do love my niece and nephew and only like DSD. I’m kind to her, care for her when she is here and would never be mean to her, but I definitely don’t have the same bond with her as I do with my niece and nephew. DP has obviously noticed this before and the school pick up thing is what’s brought it to a head. He’s making me feel guilty though. I can’t force a bond to develop though can I?

DP has just hit the roof
He 'hit the roof' about how you use your flexi-time.
He has no right to do that.
If you didn't have a child with him, the answer would be clear-cut - get rid.
So, assuming you don't want to do that right now, use this as a starting point for monitoring his behaviour. Don't just accept it. Think about if it is what you want for yourself and your child growing up.

That he's 'DP' and 'DH' is encouraging - you could dispense with him without too much fuss.

I think he is being unreasonable. You helped out your sister when she asked. Your step daughters mum has never directly asked you for help. So how can you help someone who has never asked?! Even if she needed help I'm sure she would ask her ex and own family e.g. sister/mother, before coming to you.

I'm surprised by the people saying this is a blood thing. What if the niece and nephew were adopted or conceived with donor eggs or whatever?

Surely it's the relationship that counts. Your niece and nephew have been part of your life since they were born. There isn't a competition about who you love more. You might come to develop a different bond with DSD but honestly if your DP carries on like this, I wouldn't put money on it.

Long story short you aren't doing anything wrong. Far from it.

Nothing in your post says you wouldn't have stepped up if her Mum had asked you to help, in reality, though she would (and should) have asked your husband first in most instances

Good point @Disfordarkchocolate

Op, even if your dsd had needed collecting or childcare etc, If it was only down to your dp/you the FIRST port of call for the child’s mother would be dp, and it would be HIM taking the time to fulfill whatever needed doing.

As it goes, your dp’s ex might have closer back up than dp anyway so he’d be further down the list of go-tos than his are to your sister.

He seems a bit unreasonable / unrealistic in his expectations here.
Of course you’re not going to have the same bond with your DSD as you do with your niece and nephew. You’ve known them and loved them since birth. The bond with your DSD will take time to build and even then your feelings for your DSD may never be the same as the ones you have for your niece / nephew and you know what? THAT’S OK!
There is so much pressure put on stepmothers and sometimes you’re damned whatever you do. Your partner does sound like he’s expecting you to take on some responsibility for his child but that can be a slippery slope. The more you do, the more he’ll expect.

Isn't the reality that you did a favour for your sister, whom you've known and loved all your life, rather than for your partner's ex-wife, whom you don't know from a hole in the wall?

Sulking is bullying behaviour.

I've known my stepkids for 7 years and I've never picked them up from school. You've done nothing wrong.

What is wrong with so many of the men in these situations? They act so entitled / defensive and a lot of these sorts of reactions are projection based.

I’m not going to say anything that hasn’t been said already.

1. It is the responsibility of the parents to organise everything for their young children. As a parent, your sister has asked you to help. As a aunt, she (and evidently your niece/ nephew) love and trust you. That trust and support is critical in building a relationship with a child.
2. your bond with your niece/ nephew is unique. And I know as I am similar with mine. Babysat them since they were born and as such, my connection with them runs deep. I have cared for/ had sleepovers/ done trips away with my nieces and nephews. When I was a (non official) stepmum, I would not have done any of these things for my partners children. Why? Because their mother would not have supported it, it’s not my place and basically. Why should I?
3. Stropping and silent treatment for 2 days. Tell him to grow up. What passive aggressive, childish behaviour, that is basically driven from a place of insecurity.

It’s completely unacceptable that he is trying to guilt you over what is a beautiful and loving bond with you/ your sister and her children. You’ve done plenty for him and his child, more than enough.

And for those of you who consistently wade in on these threads and say ‘well your home should be their home.’ No. If we pay the bills. The mortgage, it’s in our name. It’s OUR home. End of. A home that we open and create a loving , safe space for that child, but that doesn’t make it that child’s home where we should somehow step up more? Unless the father steps up, starts significantly contributing financially (or in other ways like running the house logistically).

This entitlement that seems to exist that hardworking women who meet a man with children should automatically fling open their doors and this should automatically become the home for those children? No. It doesn’t work that way. And I say that as a mother.

It works that way if two people can be a team. And the mature way this man could have handled it was to say ‘it’s great you’re helping your sister with xyz, I’m so proud of you. Can I ask, if I ever need help with my xyz, how would you feel about stepping in and helping?’

That’s an adult conversation and that’s two people working as a team.

2 day sulks? That is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

Exactly. I think instead of focusing on the particular issue at hand (on which you are definitely not being unreasonable. Not even a little bit) I would be focusing on his behaviour.

Sulking for 2 days is an incredibly unkind way to treat someone. It is not how loving, caring people act.

He, whether consciously or not, is trying to make you conform to his will and hoping that next time you think twice before doing whatever it is he’s sulking about. And it’s partially worked as it’s made you doubt yourself enough to come on here and ask. Even though he’s been completely unreasonable.

It’s so damaging to live like that. I can remember thinking it was ok, I could just ignore the strops and I wasn’t going to change how I acted to avoid them, but even so the day I left it was like a huge weight had been lifted. And when my now DH and I had our first disagreement and he didn’t have a strop over it I realised how much time I’d wasted living in tension. It makes everything so much harder than it should be. And you only get one life.

The way you word it sounds like you tolerate your step daughter but hardly are trying to be involved - yes decisions are her parents but if she stays over twice weekly you should be treating her as well as your niece and nephew

What a ridiculous comment. There is nothing here that says she isn’t treating them ‘the same’. There’s actually at no point even been a reference to the fact that the OP was asked to do this (and if you’ve read the thread the mother works 16 hours a week so FFS school runs should NOT be an issue).

I’m back on this forum after a significant period away. Because this particular part of mnet was without doubt the meanest most unsupportive environment I have ever encountered.

Newsflash. No stepmum/ partner ‘should’ have to do anything. End of. It’s actually healthier for the stepmum/ partner in many situations to actually remain detached. Let the parents carry on. And give the father/ child relationship space.

Anything between the stepchild/ stepmum is a bond that needs time and space to build and flourish. The more people who understand that, the better.

The way you word it sounds like you tolerate your step daughter but hardly are trying to be involved - yes decisions are her parents but if she stays over twice weekly you should be treating her as well as your niece and nephew

She shouldn’t have to use her flexi time to pick her up from school though if she doesn’t want to.

Anything between the stepchild/ stepmum is a bond that needs time and space to build and flourish. The more people who understand that, the better.

Exactly, and there's no way to make that less likely to happen than with constant guilt trips and sulking from the partner. He's basically trying to pressure her into doing more/forcing a deeper bond, making her feel her efforts will never be good enough... basically ensuring she will end up viewing the things she's expected to do for the child as a chore.

I really do not understand the entitled behaviour of parents like this with new partners when it comes to their kids. Nobody should have to be anything more than kind and not get in the way when it comes to your relationship with your own children, and given that a step parent will have already made significant concessions and sacrifices to accommodate your commitment to your child, to reproachfully expect more is just so incredibly demanding.

I really wonder how any of these people end up in decent relationships.

sassbott and Novembersbean very well said. 👏

Thanks for taking the time to write supportive thoughts. Some are also food for thought.

@stacknou I said I like her, I just don’t have the same bond as with nephew and niece. I talk to her, have dinner and watch films with her. I really don’t have an issue with her coming over at all.

This morning, DSD has politely declined an invitation to my brother’s wedding in December, as she has something else on. Don’t blame her, she has only met my brother and his partner a couple of times.

DP thinks it’s because DD and niece are being flower girls and nephew is being a page boy so DSD feels left out. She hasn’t actually said this but he thinks this is probably the real reason why she has declined the invitation.

DSD has a life with her mum (who is a good mum, from what I can see) and her mum’s wider family, plus she is 10 so has started to develop her own social life. I think the issue is that DP is jealous that he isn’t part of that life and is trying to force a 2nd family life for DSD. From when DSD was 4 until she was 7, he didn’t have anywhere for her to stay with him so she developed a life with her mum that didn’t really involve him.

You need to have a firm word with your DP, it's very obvious he's doing what you say and trying to force a second family into existence. But the thing is as nice as it would be if she happened to have that bond with your family, it's entirely wrong for him to throw his toys out of the pram and get angry, and will do her no favours to have him trying to bulldoze a more central place for her. If he's trying to imply that she should be flower girl at the wedding of someone she has only met a couple of times then he is being ridiculous.

I do understand that it's hard feeling like you are on the outskirts of your own child's life, for a variety of reasons my partner feels similarly about my SS, but I do think that before entering into a new relationship NRP's in particular need to accept the fallout of their own decision not to live full time with their children anymore, rather than project that onto everybody else. It was his decision and he needs to be able to live with that burden himself.

Like @ chocolatesaltyballs22 I’ve been in my DSC lives (am I ‘allowed’ to use that term as I’m not married to their dad?) for over 6 years and have never picked the kids up from school. And I don’t intend to, they have perfectly able parents who are capable of parenting their own children.

Your OH is being unreasonable.

DP thinks it’s because DD and niece are being flower girls and nephew is being a page boy so DSD feels left out

This reads as if your DP expects her to be asked to be a flower girl? Which would be really weird considering she's not related and only met your DB twice.

Is he suggesting that his dd should be flower girl at your brother’s wedding? Those parts in a wedding are for very close family and friends. They barely know each other.
My dsc was involved in my parent’s wedding because they know each other very well. That’s the difference. Your dp is being so ridiculous.

DD and I are out for a walk in the park and a coffee and cake. We’ve left DP to sulk.

DSD’s mum sent the same, nice and polite message to both DP and I. She hardly ever messages me, most things are done through DP. I’m wondering if she wanted to make sure that I got the right message and not a twisted one from DP. Or she might have just being polite, given it’s my brother’s wedding and she wanted me to pass the message in to my brother.

I imagine she’s all to aware of how your partner twists things.

I hope you have a lovely time in the park.

Thanks @heckypeck

I’ve read your above post about the sulking closely too.

Thanks @Novembersbean

DPs ex was unfaithful which is why they split. I think there is still a level of bitterness from DP to ex as he blames her for the situation.