DSD is upset as he says I care more for my niece and nephew than for my step daughter

[Mackerz]

DP and I have a child together. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship. I have a great relationship with my niece and nephew as I have baby sat for them since they were born. I didn’t meet DSD til she was 7 and have known her for 3 years.

I work full time, as does my sis and her DP. DPs ex works for 16 hours a week. I have always said that parenting DSD is DP and his ex’s responsibility, although of course DSD is always welcome in my house (DP, DD and I live in my house and DSD stays over two nights per week).

DP has just hit the roof because he found out that I’ve used some flexi time to pick up niece and nephew from school a couple of times over the last month. This is because my sis was having problems (now resolved) with childcare. He said I clearly don’t care about DSD as much as I do about nephew and niece as I don’t offer to pick her up from school (as above, DSDs mum works part time so school pick up has never been an issue).

When I think about it, I do love my niece and nephew and only like DSD. I’m kind to her, care for her when she is here and would never be mean to her, but I definitely don’t have the same bond with her as I do with my niece and nephew. DP has obviously noticed this before and the school pick up thing is what’s brought it to a head. He’s making me feel guilty though. I can’t force a bond to develop though can I?

She is welcome in MY house -DP etc live in MY house and DSD stays over 2 nights per week.

There is a clear distinction in HER home and DSD is a visitor -she is not part of a blended family. If the distinction is that clear am not surprised her DP has picked up on it.

I do not expect OP to love her DSD as her own family - I do not love my DSD and DSS in the same way as my own family. But I seriously do not get this absolute brick wall that so many on the SM forum have for his child he does all the child care with their mother and I do nothing it is his responsibility. Like the father never looks after the his step kids whilst their mum goes out!

From what OP has posted I do not see he expected her to do it all the time - maybe a once off but usual SM forum extrapolation.

But of course on here SM always right and DF always wrong.

I am an SM and have been for three years but some of the attitudes on here are so ridiculous it is pathetic.

stuffedpeppers

... I honestly cannot see how you come to the conclusions you do.

This man has sulked for days over his partner helping out her own sister with something he has never asked her to do for his daughter because it wasn't even needed. He's now sulking because his daughter is not automatically flower girl at the wedding of someone she's only met a couple of times.

And yet somehow, you take from that that SM's are being ridiculous...

But I seriously do not get this absolute brick wall that so many on the SM forum have for his child he does all the child care with their mother and I do nothing it is his responsibility. Like the father never looks after the his step kids whilst their mum goes out!

I’ve looked after my dsc many many many many times. Sometimes yes, there have been times in the past where I did not want to. And I would have told my partner to do one if he told me to use my holidays/flexi time to look after dsc when they were younger. That’s not what the SMS time off is for.

Frankly, I'd be more concerned about DP's temper and multi-day sulking. We can all get angry and go off in a snit, but normally that sort of thing gets made up quickly or at least by the next morning. When it lasts for days it's manipulative and it's emotional abuse. It's calculated to create an 'atmosphere' intended to make you give in and do what they want. And don't say "Oh, it doesn't happen very often", that it happens at all is wrong.

If I were you, I'd seriously be doing some hard thinking about this. Sounds to me as if you're going to go through your life having him weigh and judge everything you do for your DN&N against what you do for your DSD. And at some point, you'll start getting the same treatment regarding your own DD, too.

From when DSD was 4 until she was 7, he didn’t have anywhere for her to stay with him so she developed a life with her mum that didn’t really involve him.

Conveniently found somewhere for her now, his next mission as you said to create a new family for dsd.
Tell him to shuv off, you don't have to be a step mum if you don't want to be.
The sulking is abusive, I hope you see what type of man he is before it's too late. Although, you do have a child with him, perhaps be a bit pickier next time.
You and your dd definitely deserve better, why doesn't he have his own home?

@Novembersbean this part I could not agree with more.

I really do not understand the entitled behaviour of parents like this with new partners when it comes to their kids. Nobody should have to be anything more than kind and not get in the way when it comes to your relationship with your own children, and given that a step parent will have already made significant concessions and sacrifices to accommodate your commitment to your child, to reproachfully expect more is just so incredibly demanding.

There is an incredible amount of entitlement from not some NRP’s and also some mothers. I couldn’t give a monkeys whether you also carry the mantle of stepmum. Everyone’s ‘blended’ is different.

My relationship ended precisely because of this sort of pressure from my expartner. I run my life and my children between me, my exh, paid help and friends. My expartner had zero responsibilities when it came to me and mine. However in his mind he wanted ‘happy families’ and at no point considered that on my time away from my children, I didn’t want to spend all my time with his. Nor did I want to be woken at 6am by his children on the one day I get a lie in. Nor do I need to ensure food for his children is in. And I most certainly do not need to collect his children from school.

My home is precisely that. My home and my children’s home. Until such time that I live with someone who part owns that house and financially contributes in a way that lightens the burden on me, why should I carry the financial burden of my home? Do the bulk of care for my own children? And then ‘want’ to ensure my partners poppets are catered for in the way my own are?

No. That’s not the way it works. And the more partners who understand this thinking does NOT make them selfish the better. And the happier some poor women would be in their lives.

We didn’t have these children. And we have zero legal rights over them. So why exactly should our worlds accommodate any more than they already do?

It’s an incredible/ mind blowing level of arrogance.

Nail on head from sassbott

I’m another who thinks a little distance between step mum and dsd is healthy to ease the security in the child/dad relationship in the early years of blending.

This means -
Not too much pressure on the step mum to be ‘mum’.
From this environment can grow a more organic relationship between dsc and step mum. Which may go on to be a closer relationship (if possible given loyalty binds etc). Some sdc will feel too disloyal to cope with a relationship like that. There is no ‘should’. OP and dsd seem just fine.

I have been with DP nearly four years (we live apart). Me and his dd and ds have a lovely relationship. But if I was ‘expected’ to do that mum stuff it would put my relationship with dsd under too much pressure. Suspect dss would be alright.

Step relationships are complex. Emotional maturity is key. The multi-day strops are not good.

I’d be £50 a month worse off if DP moved out and I earn enough to absorb that. Financially I’m ok without him. I also have a close family so have some childcare backup, if needed.

@Drabarni
I’m 40, so there won’t be a next time.

I agree with what a lot of posters are saying, can’t force the relationship between DSD and I and the separate issue of the sulking - it is manipulative.

My concern is, if we split, DDs relationship with DSD and DDs relationship with DP. He would probably have to go back into a shared house, so would only really be able to see them in the day, when he could take them out somewhere. Not saying we are going to split, but I have thought about it. There are good parts to the relationship too but I’m not sure if the bad are starting to outweigh the good.

I was married to a sulker. It's quite deliberate, for the first few years I thought it was something that wasn't under his control but it turned out it was a choice he was making, to punish me for not doing something he wanted. Eventually he started doing it with our children as well, until finally they ignored a massive sulk for 6 months, and he finally had to climb down and start talking to them as if nothing had happened. But that's how long it took for him to get the message that sulking no longer worked on them. It's about control.

Honestly I think you have a better relationship with your DN because you make more of an effort with them. That’s the only reason why you have gotten to know them so much better than your DSD. In a blended family I would expect stepparents to make more of an effort with stepkids than ‘blood’ neices and nephews - the fact that you don’t suggests this relationship doesn’t really have a future.

So... you’re now being blamed for dsd declining an invitation to a wedding of someone she barely knows.

This sulking, the blaming etc is seriously wrong.

He needs to pack this manipulative shit in TODAY, or he will need to think about finding somewhere else to strop.

His behaviour is out of order, it’s an awful example for both your dd and dsd tbh.

Give him a massive shot across the bows, tell him you’re not going to put up with this at all and if he wants to try to manipulate you and your dd, he can piss off. Mean it.

I think he is being unreasonable in expecting this magic to happen. Personally, if I wanted the family life you reckon he wants, I'd have known it wasn't going to happen with you when you made it clear the parenting should be done by the parents.

See, I agree that if my hubby and I split, we would be the ones first on calls for drops offs/pick ups, but I can't imagine it working out with someone who would resent helping out me in the way you, OP, helped out your sister. That's what would be an issue for me, if I felt like we loved together, had a kid together, but you wouldn't help out with pick ups using flexi time if me and the older kids dad were in a temporary bind.

But chilledbee she hasn’t said she wouldn’t help out in a bind. Her sister asked her for a favour and she said yes. The stepchildren’s mother has never asked her for help, presumably because it isn’t needed. It would be far weirder to insist on taking a day off work to do pickups against the mother’s wishes, IMO.

Although OP, now that your DP’s ex has contacted you about the wedding, you could follow up and say you had no idea she wanted you to do start doing school pickups for her, what dates does she want and you will book the time off work. I can guarantee you’ll be met with complete bafflement and a polite refusal.

@Teddybear45 and that’s another warped logic and statement that I have no understanding of.

As a step parent / partner, we should make even more effort and poor emotional energy and time into children who may not necessarily want that? Your statement is a statement made by an adults view on what you think children need.

The fact is this. A huge amount of stepchildren, at some point will feel conflict towards someone who is warm and welcoming and loving (especially if there is a parent non supportive of that person) because the child will experience as @LatentPhase says, a loyalty bind.

My exDP’s Dc went from open, warm, loving and receptive to withdrawn, silent and they would come into my home and look straight through me. This was accompanied by them being glued to my exDP’s side and they moved in a pack. I did the best thing possible and detached massively, understanding that if actually flooded them with more emotion, that would be too much for them. I also respected what they were showing me which was they needed their dad. And they sadly viewed me as some sort of contest to his time and attention. I told my exDP to start doing the vast majority of contact without me. It worked. And when I spoke to specialists after, they told me I had done the right thing for the children. And my DP (eventually) agreed that spending 121 time with his children had been the best move for his children.

These are intrinsically complex situations. As fond as my exDP’s DC were of me, make no mistake. They would want their mum or dad to collect them from school. Not me. And I don’t blame them. If I was a kid I’d want my dad and not some random bird he lived with.

These comments based from a place of ignorance are unhelpful and completely miss the nuances of the reality of being a step parent.

Your not the problem op
He is ,
Don’t like the sound of him at all .

It's not your fault he can only see his children if he is with you.
That's no reason to stay with him.

My concern is, if we split, DDs relationship with DSD and DDs relationship with DP. He would probably have to go back into a shared house, so would only really be able to see them in the day, when he could take them out somewhere

It is not your responsibility to provide and certainly NOT a reason to stay where you are not (reasonably) happy. Maybe if he had to finally stand on his own two feet he'd find a way to have a place to take his children.

In my single days I would never date a man with children. Now I remember why I made that decision. God bless all you step-mums who manage to make it work. But I'll bet for every one of you, there are ten who are in the OP's situation, or similar.

Oh, and if DSD's mum is at all reasonable, you and she will be able to facilitate a relationship between the two girls.

But chilledbee she hasn’t said she wouldn’t help out in a bind

Not exactly, but OP did say:

I have always said that parenting DSD is DP and his ex’s responsibility,

And that's what would make me think that asking for this would be a problem and I couldn't see how that would work for me long term given that I have (at least one) young child. I personally have 3 so it would be triple the pick ups.

@Teddybear45

Shall we just flagellate ourselves while we’re at it? For fuck sake, she’s known DSD 3 years and her niece / nephew since birth! And now her SH is having a man-child strop cos basically he wants her to parent for him.

What people will attempt to normalise on here astounds me.

Quite apart from the fact that you are not unreasonable to have a better relationship with your niece and nephew than your stepdaughter, surely many of us would pick up friends’ children from school to help out. It has nothing to do with our feelings for the children involved!

How old are your niece and nephew?

OP, you sound lovely and very on top of things with your life and finances.

Your DP has a worrying perspective on things. Don’t let his nonsense cause you to question yourself or your relationships.

It sounds like he is jealous and insecure but that doesn’t excuse such lousy behaviour and attempts to manipulate you.

OP I think you should read this post. DIVORCING sulking H! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H

I would tell your DP that if he feels he has a problem with your approach as a step-parent, then he is welcome to discuss it openly and respectfully, saying what he thinks is fair and why, and taking the time to listen to your perspective and to make adjustments. Maybe there are things you’d both get out of that, who knows? I think he needs to at least have the decency and honesty to clearly voice what he expects of you - that way if you agree with any of it, you can tell him what you expect in return of him. You can negotiate!! But sulking is a joke in a grown man. It suggests that, like a child, he’s expecting to get more out of you without acknowledging that you also have needs and expectations of him.

I don't think he has the right to hit the roof and it seems that he would want you to use some of your time to step in for him with childcare or pick ups. That is his responsibility and I applaud you for not caving like many other SMs do.

Whilst I 100% agree it's your, I imagine a man who spoke that way would be brought on MN.

I totally understand the bond you have with your sister's kids...I'm very close to my DNs...and I don't see myself having a closer bond or loving a step child more.

Seems like you dragged him out of a place that wasn't so great and where he couldn't see his DD overnight.