Jealous of my partner and his children.

[Louisehk87]

When we first got together I knew he had kids but they were very young and I didn't get to see them. The ex then completely stopped contact about 6 months into our relationship with no explanation. My partner thought 2yrs in court to gain access as she did everything she could to stop him seeing the kids which included lying to the police getting an injunction on him. He got arrested a couple of times for getting friends to ask her how the children were and she claimed it as harassment. But the court saw through her lies and said he could see them at a contact center.
My partner doesn't drive so every other weekend I had to drop him off at the centre and wait around for an hour to pick him up. When I did that I got annoyed being a taxi. And when he got to spend the day not in the centre I had to do the running around and had to buy them car seats as my partner couldn't afford it. After a year of it I told my partner I just felt like a taxi to him and his children and they didn't really talk to me and I had to give up my weekends for them just to be ignored. We didn't live together either.

Anyway 5yrs later me and my partner have moved in together (my first house with a partner) there now 7 and 9 he still only sees his children every other weekend and the weekends we don't have them I'm so happy, and our daughter is almost 6 months old, and when i was pregnant he compared my pregnancy to his ex. Wouldn't get excited about stuff about the baby because he's done it all before. I get abuse from his ex as she likes to involve me in there arguments. I have to deal with his bad moods if the ex has pissed him off as she's a control freak. She wanted us to have them every weekend and I told my partner no I don't want that as I have to pick them up every time and suggested he sees them at his mums sometimes without me but that caused a huge argument. And I get this awful resentment feeling of having to share him with them as I just want my own family. He snuggles up with them on the sofa and I just sit on my own. I don't want to be dragging my daughter around to go and get his children. I basically have to do everything Ie drive everywhere. Even my daughters bedroom is being overtaken by them and I literally can't stand it as I wanted it to be just her room. I don't like feeling like this. I've explained this to my partner who thinks I just hate his children which isn't the case as they are lovely and I've done loads with them. But I now wish I didn't get with someone who already has children as its just been a huge hassle since day 1 really. I'm now getting upset about sharing my first Christmas with my child in my own home with his children being the centre of attention and having to drive them about on Christmas day when I want to be spending it with just my child sharing the special day with her. I have no friends or anyone to talk to about my issues. His friends come over bet they go in the garden to smoke or talk football so I'm still left out. So it is basically me and my daughter. And I also hate the fact everyone says she looks just like him and his children and I feel like he should of had our daughter with his ex they way everyone goes on!

Why can’t your husband drive?

I would say remember that their Dad’s home is also their home.

why move in together and start a family? This didn't happen overnight? Your family includes his children, holidays such as christmas should include them and its quite unkind to just want to have it without them. I think you need to remember that they're kids.

Sit down with maybe your parents or siblings and asses whether you are committed to being a caring and considerate step parent if not, talk to your partner. They will definitely pick up on your long term resentment, especially as they get older. No child deserves to grow up around adults that don't care about them. and I'm sure the disparity in how you treat them will only get worse as they reach the difficult teenage years.

Please remember how you feel about your daughter and wanting to enjoying special days with her is exactly how DH feels about his DC but he only gets to see them 4 days a month regularly. Maybe you should join some Mum and Baby groups to get you outa bit more also to meet and make friends.

They're as much his children and a part of his family as your daughter is.

Can you go out with your daughter when they are there. It is only 4 days a month, I would make plans and go out or even go away for the weekend. And when you do see them as it will only be a short time do your best to make them welcome as it must be difficult for them also.

I would also stop being a taxi service. This type of thing breeds resentment so just make yourself unavailable. And at Christmas, start drinking early so you can’t be used as a driver.

Anybody would be tired when they feel that they give and there's no return. If you don't feel that your DH appreciates you, it's normal to feel resentful. You are probably not actually jealous of the kids, you feel hurt that your needs are not satisfied.
You should try to identify what your needs are and try to talk to your DH in terms of your feelings (there are many articles on the internet on how to do that).
And I wouldn't want to be driving with my baby regularly, only as occasional help. He should figure this part out by himself, especially since you're taking care of the baby.
Also, why are you just watching him cuddle on the sofa, do they exclude you? What if you included yourself and precisely acted like it's your family. If they are lovely, they are a great addition to your family. Are they interested in the baby? Can you include them sometimes yourself in something related to the baby?

I'd say his kids should be welcome over as much as possible. But I also wouldn't be his taxi service. He can sort out getting them to and from on his own, he's an adult. And don't let them overtake your DD's room. It shouldn't breed resentment.

I stoped reading half way through you OP. Let me be blunt, anybody who has to go to court to protect themselves from their ex does not lie. The amount of evidence you have to provide backed up by Police Statements, Social Services, Schools, GP reports. And you know what this is the exact script they tell their new partners who like you, fall for it.

I actually read your post and your the typical jealous partner, they way you speak about his kids is disgusting.

Those poor girls. You sound very immature. Grow up - you chose to move in with him, you chose to have a baby with him, you knew what you were getting into. Don't give us bullshit about only just now resenting it - what, you didn't think to look into the future about having to "share" him? Seriously? Put up or shut up, he's not going to stop seeing those poor kids, or at least if he's a decent human being he won't just for new girlfriend's sake.

But I now wish I didn't get with someone who already has children as its just been a huge hassle since day 1 really.

Then why move in together and have a baby? Or were you hoping he would give up on seeing his children?

I'm now getting upset about sharing my first Christmas with my child in my own home with his children being the centre of attention and having to drive them about on Christmas day when I want to be spending it with just my child sharing the special day with her

Christmas will mean more to your DSCs than your DD - at 8 months she will have no idea it is Christmas. Of course your DSC should be the centre of attention.

Without meaning to sound unpleasant, you need to grow up emotionally. You need to accept that the image you had of the perfect united family where you get to be the queen and your girl the princess is not the reality of the life that you have chosen. You have opted for a blended family and that comes with dynamics that you can't pretend isn't there.

What is sad is that you could have a lovely family life with a partner you are committed to, a lovely girl and two older children who you say are lovely (although sadly won't remain so when they will soon be old enough to pick up on your feelings for them).

The only thing that is reasonable is to expect your OH to learn to drive and do all the driving. Why he is still not driving after 5 years doesn't make sense unless he has a medical condition, although if that's the case, there is a good chance he could claim PIP and he could use that money to take public transport and taxis if needed, at least 1 weekend a month.

Where you go from here, who knows. You need to decide whether you want to change your feelings, or whether you expect everyone else to change their ways to accommodate your feelings. The latter is likely to be a much bigger battle less likely to succeed, so if you want to stay with your OH, you should consider the former and for that, get support from a counsellor. Remember that it is in you to make it work and bring you some happiness and fulfilment in your life, but for that you need to break that image of how wonderful life would be without the existence of your SCs because you'll never be able to live that dream which even if you did, you might find not as amazing as you currently think it would be anyway.

I'm assuming the people who are judging me calling my behaviour disgusting obviously havnt gone through this. And his children a boy and a girl don't know how I feel about them at all as I play with them, buy them stuff to do arts and crafts and baking so there never left out by me at all. They're involved with my daughter there sister every time they see her apart from the boy who finds her annoying when she cries and makes it very obvious. And my partner not driving is his decision, me and his family have told him he should of learnt by now but he's got to 34 without a car so he thinks why change it now. And I moved in with him and had a child with him because I love him and didn't think these feelings would ever come about. I think I feel like this as I have my baby to look after then have the responsibility of looking after his as well making sure they get around safely and home again. But what i don't like is having to feed my daughter in the car because there pick up time is the same time her feed is and if we're late his ex will complain. I think life would be easier if I wasn't having to run around after them if my partner went and picked them up and dropped them off it would relieve a lot of the pressure. And I know his house is also there's and that's why I brought them beds and bedding so they had somewhere to sleep. When they had to sleep on his floor at his mums I made them pillow beds and pillows to sleep on so they were comfortable. And there's nothing wrong with wanting my first Christmas with my daughter to just be us. Doesn't mean it's going to happen but I'm entitled to feel like that. So before judging me maybe ask what I do for the kids first!

I mean, your partner sounds absolutely bloody useless, which you’ve known from the word go, and you’re misplacing your anger and annoyance which should be directed at him by blaming his children.
Why on earth have you put so much time and effort into a relationship with such a hopeless lump? Does he do anything for himself? All I can see is that you do and buy everything for him and his children. Did you never think you could do any better?
The way you talk about his children is horrid, make no mistake, but I’m hopeful this is just the outpourings of your inner feelings, and you wouldn’t ever show two innocent children how resentful you have become.

Honestly it sounds like the quite common realisation after having kids, that your husband is a lazy bastard. It's not the kids, its the fact he expects tou to facilitate everything even though you are looking after a baby. You mention a few times, that you have paid for things. Does he contribute? Is he a hands on parent when his kids are not visiting? Does he do other things around the house and it's just the driving that's an issue? Can he actually get his kids if you don't drive?

Having his kids less wont change this btw. You need to make sure his kids never feel unwelcome as they are children. This is not their fault.

I don't get this. Why don't people who get together with men who already have kids actually stop and think about what it will really be like? What were you honestly expecting? You can't be your own family when a man already has a family.

I would feel exactly the same way as you do OP. Which is why I would never EVER enter a relationship with a man who had children. But you did. And you need to adjust your life to accommodate them. Even if that means driving them around on Christmas day.

Op you won’t get validated on this forum. And very rarely will you get any advice from a BM. They are very seldom impartial. You need advice from a BM who is also a SM. You can be your own family. You just need to lay down some rules and boundaries and everyone will be happy. You have the right to be happy. It’s not just about the C. The many variables in your post. But other posters haven’t been an SM so they really can’t fathom how it feels. Ignore the old chestnut “ you should have realised, he has children” that’s my absolute fav, they always drag that one out. It’s so helpful.

You are doing the typical thing that happens when a woman gets involved with a totally useless man she "loves". You're transferring your frustration towards him onto an easier target.

In the nicest possible way: grow up!

Imagine you had a child, entered a new relationship and your new partner behaved and felt like you do.

What you are feeling is burnout. You give, give, give, but don’t get anything meaningful back. It’s not those kids’ fault, it’s yours and your DP’s fault.

So, taking the kids out of the equation for a moment, your DP seems to be using you more than you want him to. Driving him everywhere, paying for him more than you are happy to, not reciprocating your affection and bids for time.

All you have to do is stop. Stop giving him lifts, ask him to sort different arrangements for picking up/dropping off his own children. You are a new mum, you’re tired, you need your weekends. Yes, he might not like it, but you need to have some time for yourself too. So ask him to make a different arrangement, one that doesn’t involve you.

Have a good look at your blended family dynamic. Two different age groups children, they want to do different things. Find a common denominator for you all. Walks in nature and meals shared together are usually suitable for everyone.
So, say, Saturday evening is family time/meal. If you resent having to cook and he’s not pulling his weight, choose something easy: bung some pizzas in the oven, garlic bread and a big salad.
Let him parent his own children. Don’t get up with them in the morning just because you’re up with the baby. Use their snuggle time wisely: put the baby nearby/in his arms, let them watch a movie, you go have a bath in peace, go for a 20 min run, leave them to it.

Nap time for the baby: guys, the cinema, the park, visit grannie etc.

Christmas: get some frozen croissants, bung them in the oven when they get up, orange juice, let them open the presents, take photos, enjoy all their happiness. Everybody takes turns opening one present at a time. You’re absolutely within your rights to take the baby to your family for a bit, he can go to his, you all meet up in the evening.

Again, the problem is not the children, the problem is tou teo adults.

*you two

As always he is your issue he expects you and your daughter to fit in with him

This is a mess. First of all, your partner is useless. He should be looking after his own kids and if he can't drive, then he should be getting public transport to go get them. You shouldn't be a taxi service.

However, the way you speak about his kids, regardless of how much you do for them, is still awful. They were toddlers when you met, fine. But children grow up and it's not surprising that he wants to see his own kids. Maybe you are "entitled" to want Christmas alone with your daughter - but it's a horrible thing to think. If that's what you want, then go away for Christmas and let your partner spend it with his children.

Honestly I think you should leave him. Nothing about this will ever get better. The children will get older and still be the priority in his life, as they should be, and you will still resent them.

Agree with @Witchydearest you're opening a can of worms on here 😆 no one likes step mums on this place.
I've been in your situation . I grew resentful of how much I was doing. I took a step back and made him be a father to his children. I refused to be involved at pick ups and drop offs and left it between him and his ex to sort out. Before anyone jumps down my throat both children were very much loved by me and my other daughter and were well looked after. It was their dad who was a bit useless.
Unfortunately the relationship deteriorated and he ultimately had to step up which has made him a better dad

Naw you still sound awful after you're update op swing said it so much better than I can you to be part of a blended familym you should accept that or move on. You had the choice of starting a family a family with someone who didn't have dc you didn't therefore you don't get christmas just yourselves