Jealous of my partner and his children.

[Louisehk87]

When we first got together I knew he had kids but they were very young and I didn't get to see them. The ex then completely stopped contact about 6 months into our relationship with no explanation. My partner thought 2yrs in court to gain access as she did everything she could to stop him seeing the kids which included lying to the police getting an injunction on him. He got arrested a couple of times for getting friends to ask her how the children were and she claimed it as harassment. But the court saw through her lies and said he could see them at a contact center.
My partner doesn't drive so every other weekend I had to drop him off at the centre and wait around for an hour to pick him up. When I did that I got annoyed being a taxi. And when he got to spend the day not in the centre I had to do the running around and had to buy them car seats as my partner couldn't afford it. After a year of it I told my partner I just felt like a taxi to him and his children and they didn't really talk to me and I had to give up my weekends for them just to be ignored. We didn't live together either.

Anyway 5yrs later me and my partner have moved in together (my first house with a partner) there now 7 and 9 he still only sees his children every other weekend and the weekends we don't have them I'm so happy, and our daughter is almost 6 months old, and when i was pregnant he compared my pregnancy to his ex. Wouldn't get excited about stuff about the baby because he's done it all before. I get abuse from his ex as she likes to involve me in there arguments. I have to deal with his bad moods if the ex has pissed him off as she's a control freak. She wanted us to have them every weekend and I told my partner no I don't want that as I have to pick them up every time and suggested he sees them at his mums sometimes without me but that caused a huge argument. And I get this awful resentment feeling of having to share him with them as I just want my own family. He snuggles up with them on the sofa and I just sit on my own. I don't want to be dragging my daughter around to go and get his children. I basically have to do everything Ie drive everywhere. Even my daughters bedroom is being overtaken by them and I literally can't stand it as I wanted it to be just her room. I don't like feeling like this. I've explained this to my partner who thinks I just hate his children which isn't the case as they are lovely and I've done loads with them. But I now wish I didn't get with someone who already has children as its just been a huge hassle since day 1 really. I'm now getting upset about sharing my first Christmas with my child in my own home with his children being the centre of attention and having to drive them about on Christmas day when I want to be spending it with just my child sharing the special day with her. I have no friends or anyone to talk to about my issues. His friends come over bet they go in the garden to smoke or talk football so I'm still left out. So it is basically me and my daughter. And I also hate the fact everyone says she looks just like him and his children and I feel like he should of had our daughter with his ex they way everyone goes on!

Can we stop calling mothers ‘birth mothers’ first of all. They’re the children’s mum.

Op it is hard when you have a blended family, but your resentment is all your own doing. You knew what was going on before you had a baby with this man. The children are entirely innocent in all this, they just want a relationship with their dad. And their feelings trump yours.

Agree with pp re court also. There wouldn’t have been a court case if there hadn’t been evidence. Men don’t have court ordered contact centre contact with their children on a whim.

You sound very bitter OP - the children were around way before you - you knew about them when you got together - it's irrelevant whether you spent much time with them or not

You really only have yourselves to blame for the situation you are in - this has been going on for years so why can't he drive??
My DH didn't learn to drive until he was nearly 40 and that was because I put my foot down when we had a baby. I told him it was non negotiable and helped to pay for the odd lesson.

You do sound quite young wanting it all about you and your baby. You shouldn't have got together with a man with children if you weren't prepared to share or were you hoping he wouldn't win contact and so you'd have him all for yourself??

Stop being his taxi.

Tell him to learn to drive.

I think as step parents we need to remember that we are technically the interlopers, the outsiders. His children were there first and the three children are the only ones here who had no choice. You can’t expect to oust them.

With regards to the little boy not liking the noise of the baby - that’s so typical of many older siblings. You can’t resent him for it. You need to be the adult and so does your slightly useless sounding dh. Stop driving all the time - maybe say you’ll do it once a month but he needs to organise it otherwise. He’s being lazy about that. The rest of it - you have to suck it up really. It is their home too.

He needs to learn to drive or use public transport. Does he work? Why are you paying for most things for his kids?

Yanbu to resent being a taxi and having to finance car seats. 99.9% would feel that way and 99.9.% would have told their partner that there was a limit to the driving and he'd have to do lessons or take public transport. I hope he's paying for your fuel at least.

Yabu to be resentful of the kids. They haven't done anything wrong apart from being born before you'd even met your h. It's not their fault that you and your h decided to have a baby before he got a driving license.

With regards to the baby looking like him- is this his family and friends talking? People want to see the parent that they are closer to in the face of a baby- it's small talk bollocks really. Why you'd turn it into he should have had your dd with ex is silly,

You wouldn't be unreasonable to say no driving on the 25th but you are very unreasonable to be pushed off at the kids being there for baby's first Xmas. There's 3 of them so obviously will take up more attention.

These posts are far to common, OP if you separate from your DP will you not see your DD one xmas to accommodate someone else? I agree you shouldn't have to ferry him around, he can get a taxi or a bus quite easily or learn to drive, that would drive me mad, and if DP is so awful to his ex, how comes shes had a change of heart?? What a total waste of court time and money, heard that happen to many times to

What I have said may sound awful but I've never said I don't like his children. And the people who say "you knew he had kids" yes I did know and that's why I've done a lot with them as I actually do like them or I wouldn't of bothered. And yes the kids have done nothing wrong and that's why I never show how I feel to them. And I will be telling my partner that he needs to start sorting out how to get them as they are his responsibility not mine. He does work very hard. And is very supportive with the children like when they are over I let him get on with it and he does everything for them like cooking or helping them out with things I just do the fun things we can all get involved with. And yes I have paid for a fair few things to make them comfortable but he pays for food and the activities we go and do. And If you've not been a step mum then it's very hard as we're the only ones who have to adjust to everyone else and put up with is which I've done. And I also said I don't want to be feeling like this I've not chosen to suddenly not like having to be around his children or have to drive them about. And I know it's not the childrens fault for how I feel I know it's to do with my partner but I think he feels stuck trying to please me as well as his children and his ex as she causes so much drama which I think I shouldn't have to deal with yet she likes to include me for some reason. So basically if I didn't get shit from his ex and my partner pulled his weight with collecting and dropping off the children I'd probably feel a bit differently. Your entitled to your opinions like I'm entitled to feel how I do but doesn't mean I'll do anything about it like excluding his children on Christmas.

If my dh felt the way you do about you're dc about my ds and Christmas he would soon be my ex. The children in our family get treated all the same.

Poor children, please make them feel welcome. My DC are not welcome in their dad's house and I can tell you it's heartbreaking. Tell your partner to have driving lessons and to take more responsibility. I can understand you not wanting to have all the DC every weekend but try not to see them as outsiders to your family- they are part of your partner's world. I get the resentment, I really do. Sometimes it feels like my partner's DC are top of the priority list ALL THE TIME but honestly, I'm a grown-up so I suck it up for the sake of the DC. They grow up so quickly, it's not forever.

On the other side, I’m sad my DS will grow up NEVER seeing his sister (my DSD) at Christmas because her DM made a royal decree years ago on the subject. And my DH doesn’t get to see his child on the day either. He decided not to fight it as his ex doesn’t really have anyone else and he survived not being allowed to see his own dad on the 25th but even so, it’s a bit shit.
If I were you I’d try to really enjoy the last of the Santa years with your SDC and if you’re lucky they will be on board with keeping the magic going for your DD as they get older. Lots of fun to be had [santa]
I look at it as I’m very lucky my DS has a sister who adores him and I didn’t have to get a single stretch mark or stitch getting her here.
It’s hard being a SM though and nobody ever says “you knew what you were getting into” to a struggling DM so I’m not sure it’s a helpful comment to a SM.

As far as the children are aware they know I love them so they know nothing of how I feel. I've never pushed them away or stopped him seeing his children or have less time. I've even thought with his ex to get more time with them. But it's just ruling my life and the ex still likes to tell my partner how to live even though it has nothing to do with her. When I was in hospital pregnant loosing lots of blood me and my daughter were in danger and she had the nerve to complain that he missed a weekend with them even tho he still managed to see them the same amount he normally does. She has no respect for me or our child. She uses the kids as a weapon so if we go against her she'll happily stop contact so I have to do everything I can to help. So dealing with my own child and the challenges that brings I'm just getting tired of all the other drama and I just want to relax and enjoy the time with my daughter. He can happily see them all together when he wants but I shouldn't have to give up everything on weekends to be there for a lift. So I probably don't resent his children I'm just tired of being a run around

You are entitled to feel as you do indeed, but don't expect anyone else to validate them. You know your feelings are not fair on the kids and if you think they won't soon know how you feel about them being in the way of your perfect family then you are totally deluding yourself. Kids from delayed parents are extremely attuned to how step parents feel about them.

I really struggle to understand how it didn't cross your mind that something was wrong if the kids had to wait for you to come in their lives for them to sleep in normal beds when seeing their dad. You should never have been their saviour, their dad should have sorted it out.

I agree with others posters saying that you are miss directing your resentment on the kids when it's your partner who is letting you down. Why oh why have you agreed to ferry him around for 5 years?

As said, you know your feelings need to change to accept the set up.of your family. They are not going to do away, you are not going to ever have your perfect family with your oh, so go see a counsellor to learn to grieve the dream you envisioned.

Interesting first post op.

You actually think step mums are the only ones who have to compromise? Honestly that is crazy, you might not be happy with your choice right now, but you made it and you have the power to change things.

The children have no say in how the adults in their lives conduct themselves. They are completely at the mercy of whatever decisions the adults involved make.

Your situation is crap because your partner is using you as a taxi, you can stop that at any point. Don't think for one second that you are the only person suffering here.

So basically if I didn't get shit from his ex and my partner pulled his weight with collecting and dropping off the children I'd probably feel a bit differently

You probably would. It’s madness you can’t ever make plans of your own because you’re the taxi. What would he do if you or the baby were ill or you broke up? If he wants to see them he’ll manage it.

And block his ex. There’s no need for her to contact you or involve you in any drama. You won’t be picking the kids up anymore so you shouldn’t have to see or speak to her again.

Tell him today that you’re not doing anymore lifts. Are you scared of his reaction?

Try to look at it more like you have two older children and a baby to take care of. If you had two older children, they would need ferried about to parties, activities etc. This is the life you chose. You chose to be stepmum to two children and have a baby. Your life right now is partnering with your DP every second weekend to take care of his two kids and your baby together. When a baby is young, it's hard work trailing them about to accommodate the older kids but that is part of life. Childrens lives don't stop because a baby sibling has come along.

RE his ex being a nightmare, block her and only communicate via e-mail. You don't need to communicate with her but you can say if she absolutely must contact you, she has your e-mail.

As soon as you get together with someone that has kids then make a series of decisions to commit to that person, you are also taking on their kids so as I said above, you need to look at it like you are a parent to these kids those two weekends a month as if they are your children and ferrying them about is par for the course. I don't think saying you won't do drop offs and pick ups at all anymore will help as you'll just exclude yourself but in a conventional family when a new baby comes, sometimes the mum says she is too tired to ferry the kids about that day and the dad does it. Look at it like that. Say to your DP that this day you are tired and don't want to drag DD about and ask him to get the bus to get his kids or ask his mum or dad to take him.

The quicker you see yourself as their parent on the weekends they are there and adjust the situation to make it so that you are a family but with a young baby that you sometimes need to just give attention to while everyone else goes out, it will get better.

Even women that have all bio kids and a young baby sometimes just needs to say to the kids ok, your dad will deal with entertaining today as I'm tired or the baby is unwell or it's not a day to be dragging your little baby sister about but tomorrow we will do something fun. Older siblings don't mind that a baby sometimes needs a little bit more attention at times but as long as they aren't near being excluded, they will be ok.

It will sound so yuck to say this but I'll say this, you need to put your stepmum hat on 4 days and nights a month. You need to get yourself into the mindset that you are a parent to 3 kids 4 days and nights a month, not just to one. You will also be a parent to 3 kids and not one at some Christmas's and other occasions as well. I don't think it should all be on your DP 'because they're his kids'. I think that's an awful attitude to have. You need to think what it would be like if you split from your DP and met someone else and they treated your DD differently to any kids you had together. They felt a pick up and drop off 4 days a month was too much for them, they hated seeing you cuddle your DD. It would feel rubbish. You would fully expect a new partner, especially one you had kids with, to include your previous child/ren. You need to do that. It doesn't matter how much you play with them or show them love, you resent them and that needs to change mighty quickly or you're heading for ruining your own mental health as well as those kids one's. They aren't stupid, they know when someone isn't enjoying what they are doing

** It's good to hear that you're aware that fault lies with your partner and not the kids.

Change your phone number and don't give it to the ex. You don't deserve abuse from her. Your partner should be managing her.

And If you've not been a step mum then it's very hard as we're the only ones who have to adjust to everyone else and put up with is which I've done.

Sorry but totally disagree. It's a bigger adjustment for you than mum or dad but the kids and parents do make adjustments you know.

I've told my partner than when is ex tries to involve me in group chats I'll be leaving as 1 I don't want to be insulted by her and 2 its them that need to organise anything between themselves and he just let's me know what the arrangements are. But she is very demanding and always has been her way or no way. Won't let him see them on fathers day because she always organises stuff with her family instead. She won't drop them off or pick them up unless I really can't and they're stuck as she says it's our responsibility if we want to see them. There's other bits going on than just this and I'm just finding everything overwhelming. I've told my partner that some Saturdays his mum isn't working if he could go to hers with them as she lives 5mins down the road from them and he has a motorbike he can get to hers on and then get the bus to get them. I'd never make them feel unwelcomed and I don't get jealous with them cuddling but if me and partner are sat together they wouldn't sit with us only do it if he's sat on his own. I try and do my best with them like his daughter has a doll she now brings out with her so I gave her clothes for it. And I think that's why I brought them so much so they did like me. I have lots of issues I need to deal with which will probably include counselling as this is not how I want to feel. I want to feel like a family unit and enjoy the time we have together like I use to.

Just block her OP! It’s his job to liaise with her. Who gives a shit what she thinks of you or your baby? It’s his problem to sort stuff like Father’s Day. Don’t get involved, don’t let it stress you out. You’ve been getting dragged into a weird dynamic with the two of them and it unnecessary so stop now and leave them to it. It’s between them how the children move between homes. Tell him you’re not doing the driving anymore. You can create boundaries here but you need to draw your own red lines and then you have to stick to them. Don’t give in to him moaning or saying you’re being unfair. If you want to stay in the relationship and not lose your mind stop letting him walk all over you.

The ex is not your problem. Block her. So what if she kicks off? She's your partner's problem and you're right that chats should be between the parents.

Yanbu about your partner seeing his kids at his mum's sometimes. It's outrageous that you are expected to give up so much precious time for taxiing him and his kids.

With regards to the kids behaviour, I think that this is another reason why he should see the kids at his mum's sometimes or you and your dd can go see your mum or something. It must be very difficult to deal with the kids not wanting to sit with you after so long and it sounds like they'd be happier to have Dad to themselves.

Is Father's Day not covered by the court order?

Are all these issues not covered in the court order? Father’s Day, drop offs, pick up etc should all be written into the order. It’s very rare they’re not. So if she’s going against the order you need to go back to court.

Can you make a life with this man and your child, which is a happy one and good for all the children?

Think about it.

If the answer is anything but ‘absolutely, yes’, then you should separate now.

You have to accept that she is their mother, he once chose her to have a family with, and most of all she, and he, and you are not perfect and you will all make mistakes.

Blended families take a huge amount of work, tolerance, acceptance and understanding on all sides.

If you’re not prepared or strong enough for a stormy ride then bail out now.