Jealous of my partner and his children.

[Louisehk87]

When we first got together I knew he had kids but they were very young and I didn't get to see them. The ex then completely stopped contact about 6 months into our relationship with no explanation. My partner thought 2yrs in court to gain access as she did everything she could to stop him seeing the kids which included lying to the police getting an injunction on him. He got arrested a couple of times for getting friends to ask her how the children were and she claimed it as harassment. But the court saw through her lies and said he could see them at a contact center.
My partner doesn't drive so every other weekend I had to drop him off at the centre and wait around for an hour to pick him up. When I did that I got annoyed being a taxi. And when he got to spend the day not in the centre I had to do the running around and had to buy them car seats as my partner couldn't afford it. After a year of it I told my partner I just felt like a taxi to him and his children and they didn't really talk to me and I had to give up my weekends for them just to be ignored. We didn't live together either.

Anyway 5yrs later me and my partner have moved in together (my first house with a partner) there now 7 and 9 he still only sees his children every other weekend and the weekends we don't have them I'm so happy, and our daughter is almost 6 months old, and when i was pregnant he compared my pregnancy to his ex. Wouldn't get excited about stuff about the baby because he's done it all before. I get abuse from his ex as she likes to involve me in there arguments. I have to deal with his bad moods if the ex has pissed him off as she's a control freak. She wanted us to have them every weekend and I told my partner no I don't want that as I have to pick them up every time and suggested he sees them at his mums sometimes without me but that caused a huge argument. And I get this awful resentment feeling of having to share him with them as I just want my own family. He snuggles up with them on the sofa and I just sit on my own. I don't want to be dragging my daughter around to go and get his children. I basically have to do everything Ie drive everywhere. Even my daughters bedroom is being overtaken by them and I literally can't stand it as I wanted it to be just her room. I don't like feeling like this. I've explained this to my partner who thinks I just hate his children which isn't the case as they are lovely and I've done loads with them. But I now wish I didn't get with someone who already has children as its just been a huge hassle since day 1 really. I'm now getting upset about sharing my first Christmas with my child in my own home with his children being the centre of attention and having to drive them about on Christmas day when I want to be spending it with just my child sharing the special day with her. I have no friends or anyone to talk to about my issues. His friends come over bet they go in the garden to smoke or talk football so I'm still left out. So it is basically me and my daughter. And I also hate the fact everyone says she looks just like him and his children and I feel like he should of had our daughter with his ex they way everyone goes on!

No sympathy, what did you want, have your own child then he would forget about the previous?

Imagine only being able to have your baby two days a fortnight. Then imagine being offered 4 days a fortnight but your partner saying no, it's too much...

Imagine only being able to have your baby two days a fortnight. Then imagine being offered 4 days a fortnight but no bothering to get off your arse and learn to drive to facilitate it.

Fixed it for you.

I have been a step parent and it’s damned hard. However to just want it to be you and your daughter is selfish sorry to say. Children never ask for these situations, they are forced to deal with whatever their parents decide. You, as an adult chose a relationship with a man with a family and unfortunately for you means they are part of him and now you. They deserve to be with their dad just as much as ‘your’ child. If you are using these terms this openly there is every possibility his kids have picked up on it, I hope for their sakes they haven’t because it’s an awful feeling to be unwanted so that the ‘proper’ family can have a real Christmas. That said he needs to sort out the driving side because it’s a lot to expect. Other than that you have two families to consider, don’t like it then maybe you made the wrong choice!

So as a step mum to three I really hate it when people say you knew he had kids etc... yes it's TRUE and those kids deserve thought, respect and time with their father. Does the stepmom have to bend and break to always fit in around children and ex partners NO. Its a situation of compromise and sacrifice from all parties. As for Christmas why is not alternated between mum and dads that how we do it? I have a great relationship with my partner's kids and our 2 year old loves having his siblings around BUT I also love just our weekends and little days out with just my child and partner as we our a unit on our own aswell and being unit with his children. No one feels left out it's just how it is for all parties to be happy?

I mentioned about wanting Christmas to just be us because I know the day will consist of me getting our daughter up, feeding her, getting her dressed and rushing to get into the car and rushing the kids back to there mums because she does everything with her family and the kids always have to be there even on fathers day! But Xmas is sorted now with no issues. And i know the kids havnt picked up on anything as I'm always happy around them and chat to them and get involved with what there doing, his daughter has a "real baby" which I gave her clothes for and helped her. And his son loves sitting in the front of the car with me. These feelings are kept inside I don't make them known. And I've given my partner a challenge as I'm taking our daughter up to my mums for a couple of days which is 180miles away and it falls on a weekend he has his children and he questioned how hell get them and I said he has 3wks to figure it out along with his moaning that the kids won't see there sister and I told him that he knows our daughter has another side of the family she will be seeing that the kids can't get involved in. Most of my family don't include his children apart from my mum and my sister. And as I keep saying these aren't feelings I want. I just want my partner to pull his weight and not keep expecting me to fit around him and his children all the time.

I think your partner does need to step up because you have your own daughter to worry about he needs to sort his kids out. I've been around 5 years now and set really clear boundaries from the start of what I will and won't do for his kids... cooking/cleaning/organising birthdays and treats, buying clothes enjoying fun weekends all yes. In return however I asked for every other weekend to be our so we can have time on our own (way before our baby) if he ever had to work (he does nights) on a kid night which I think has only happened 3 times then the kids stay at his mums or sisters for thenight as I wasnt confident or comfortable being respossible without him there. My family have nothing really to do with them other than meetings at our house at weekends, kids always get birthday/xmas cards and £10 but it's just never been a thing we have done they have a large family and had no need to be close with my parents and equally my parents are friendly and thoughtful of his children but there is no relationship. If you could have an ideal scenario what would it be? X

That was my mistake doing everything from the beginning I shouldn't of done so much and I should of pushed harder for him to of driven before we had our daughter and moved in together, even tho he claims he had no money which isn't true. But I think I just always felt bad because of how his ex treats him and she's no better almost 6yrs later. And I use to help pay towards his kids present for birthdays and Xmas but I've stopped that as I get our daughters stuff and have my own side of the family to cover as well. His ex demanded we have them every weekend which I did say no but I also told him that he could go to his parents and see them on extra weekends without me. But we did ask that the two weekends we do have them that they stay over so he sees them for longer but she said no, and he's hoping the kids beg her so much she'll change her mind. So I don't mind if they did sleep over on both weekends but I would like our own time as well. And once they do start to sleep over again my partner needs to put rules in place as before he'd let them do what ever and they didn't go to sleep until 11pm because they were either watching TV or playing on there tablets. And that wont be happening if there going to be staying in our daughters room (where there won't be a tv) when she eventually sleeps in there. I said spoil them during the day but put boundires in at night which he doesn't really agree on but I'm not having them run riot with a sleeping baby as they didn't like it when she woke them up when she cried. I want a family unit but I don't want to be relied upon all the time. Even the ex questions where I am if I'm not available as she won't drop them off unless it's on her way to somewhere.

He needs to learn to drive. In fact I would now be pulling out the emotional blackmail and saying 'aren't your kids worth the effort of learning to drive?'

Tbh I'm not suprised you feel like a taxi, but I would say the issue is your DP. He sounds rather useless and I wouldn't have had a child with a man, who relies on me to fetch his DC.

What would he do without you? Or without a DP who couldn't drive?

I don't think you're really jealous about the kids, it's more his inability to understand your feelings or appreciate how much you do, that he should be doing.

So I'm not judging you, but I feel you could have done better than a man like him. He doesn't sound like such a catch.

How much effort will he make to see your DD if you split up?

All his fighting in court to see his kids, boiled down to you being a free taxi.

If you decided to go away on one of his contact weekends, what would happen?

He needs to pull up his socks and make more of an effort. I wouldnt and couldn't be so dependent on a partner to see my kids. He needs to do more and do it on his own, instead of you dragging your
baby out to pick up his kids.

He doesn't bother learning to drive because you do it for him. You make it far too easy.

You probably started doing it all to be a good girlfriend in the beginning, but it's too much now.

I agree with the pp above..put it back on him and ask if his kids aren't worth learning to drive for.

If you and he split, you know now he won't see your DD much if he can't be bothered with public transport.

If he was my dad...I'd soon as I got older, I'd soon feel ashamed he was so reliant on you to do the pick ups.

Unless he faces the impact of you not doing it...he won't be motivated to learn how to drive.

You set a low bar with him.

I am a bm and and sm and i totally understand. Nobody wants to have those feelings and you cant foresee them. I was a happy sm until i had my own child and i started to resent the fact that i couldnt enjoy looking after my baby without all the work that looking after 2 involves. I was a full time sm. You have my sympathy. It does sound like your partner needs to rely on you less. Maybe that will help.

You sound like a spoilt brat!
My daughter took on her partners son who was only a baby at the time and treats him like her own child. She was just 19 and knew clearly they came as a package.
She has her own baby now but still welcomes her stepson into heir home 3 days a week and often they have him a lot more .
And yes her partners ex is a total bitch but they don't let the little boy suffer because of this .
I'm so
Proud of how my daughter treats the boys equally and I adore my extra grandson x
Maybe you need to choose to change your attitude or accept the full package!

OP I really feel for you.

Ignore all the bull about how you clearly don't care for the children. The MN "first wives club" are infamous for this. In their opinion, you're supposed to put up with an ex behaving appallingly because "you knew he had kids when you met him" because of course, that entitles any woman who pops a kid out first, to treat their ex and any partner like utter shite

You clearly do care about these children. And they do not trump your own. Neither does yours trump theirs, so everyone needs to stop acting like her kids are always the ones to come first. It's ridiculous you have to not only be a taxi service, but to feed your own 8mth old in the car so you can pander to when she wants her kids picked up. Your DP sounds like an arse for not acting excited about your pregnancy and his DD with you. Your DD is being treated like "some extra new kid, meh" and that's unacceptable. And as her mother it makes your blood boil to see her dismissed like that, when simultaneously you are expected to run after the children he had with someone else, and especially when that someone else is an arsehole towards you.

No OP, yanbu. Massively not.

He's the issue though. And you are enabling him to use you like this. Nothing is going to make him change his awful attitude towards your DD, so who are you doing all this running around for? If he doesn't give a damn that using you as a taxi means your DD has to be fed in a car, why the hell should you allow it? He's showing you no respect. She's showing you no respect. Why are you accommodating this? Neither of them give a second thought about the disadvantage to your DD.

You need to tell him to man the hell up to all of his children. You need to block his ex. And if your DD is continually sidelined, I'd be looking seriously at my options if that meant she finally wasn't treated like a second class citizen.

That's unfair Strong. OP clearly does plenty for the step kids. And presumably your daughter's partner isn't so rubbish at taking the initiative in picking up his own kids and looking after them.

Woah, wha...? He has a motorbike and a licence for it, but won’t learn to drive a car?

Stop being the family taxi. Just stop. When he gets a car licence you can then have a reasonable discussion around the needs of all the children, and how to divide those responsibilities.

This is such bullshit.

For those saying she knew what she got into (man with children), examine yourself choices the marriage, having children, taking jobs, and evaluate whether things ever went wrong or caused difficulties that were unexpected.

It’s such a pitiful phrase. No one can predict life. Circumstances change all the time and we all have to adapt. Not just the woman who “knew what she was getting into,” ffs.

Wow strongcoffee share your feelings for your 'Amazing' daughter. Doesn't mean we all have to be the same or feel the same. And I'm not a spoilt brat. You seem to forget these are just feelings I havnt acted on. I welcome his children into our home and I welcome them into my car and wherever we go. I think some of you seem to be reading something else. I've stated loads that i still do lots with his children and get involved. But the way you have all insulted me acting like I've been nasty to his children and pushed them away which hasn't happened. And thank you for the people who have been nice to me. And I will keep pressuring him into having to sort out his own transport to get his children if I'm not available or if my daughter isn't ready to go out when he needs to collect them. But this is my last reply. I'm fed up of coming on here and just being absued for feelings i have.

@Strongecoffeeismydrug and I guarantee your daughter has had many a moan or whinge to friends about her step child at times... step kids will never be loved 100% the same as when you have your own I doubt its biologically possible! This lady is doing far more than some and gets called spoiltbrat? Grow up.

@Louhk87 only a DM away. You cant reason with stupidity

@Strongecoffeeismydrug

Have you actually read the thread properly?

The OP has the responsibility of picking and dropping her SC and her DP can't be bothered to learn how to drive.

There is nothing in there that makes her a spoilt brat.

Your daughter chose to take on a SC at 19. Is be disappointed if my DD did that tbh. At such a young age, with so much going for her...why settle for that, especially as you describe the ex as nasty.

Your post and comments are not balanced at all.