Jealous of my partner and his children.

[Louisehk87]

When we first got together I knew he had kids but they were very young and I didn't get to see them. The ex then completely stopped contact about 6 months into our relationship with no explanation. My partner thought 2yrs in court to gain access as she did everything she could to stop him seeing the kids which included lying to the police getting an injunction on him. He got arrested a couple of times for getting friends to ask her how the children were and she claimed it as harassment. But the court saw through her lies and said he could see them at a contact center.
My partner doesn't drive so every other weekend I had to drop him off at the centre and wait around for an hour to pick him up. When I did that I got annoyed being a taxi. And when he got to spend the day not in the centre I had to do the running around and had to buy them car seats as my partner couldn't afford it. After a year of it I told my partner I just felt like a taxi to him and his children and they didn't really talk to me and I had to give up my weekends for them just to be ignored. We didn't live together either.

Anyway 5yrs later me and my partner have moved in together (my first house with a partner) there now 7 and 9 he still only sees his children every other weekend and the weekends we don't have them I'm so happy, and our daughter is almost 6 months old, and when i was pregnant he compared my pregnancy to his ex. Wouldn't get excited about stuff about the baby because he's done it all before. I get abuse from his ex as she likes to involve me in there arguments. I have to deal with his bad moods if the ex has pissed him off as she's a control freak. She wanted us to have them every weekend and I told my partner no I don't want that as I have to pick them up every time and suggested he sees them at his mums sometimes without me but that caused a huge argument. And I get this awful resentment feeling of having to share him with them as I just want my own family. He snuggles up with them on the sofa and I just sit on my own. I don't want to be dragging my daughter around to go and get his children. I basically have to do everything Ie drive everywhere. Even my daughters bedroom is being overtaken by them and I literally can't stand it as I wanted it to be just her room. I don't like feeling like this. I've explained this to my partner who thinks I just hate his children which isn't the case as they are lovely and I've done loads with them. But I now wish I didn't get with someone who already has children as its just been a huge hassle since day 1 really. I'm now getting upset about sharing my first Christmas with my child in my own home with his children being the centre of attention and having to drive them about on Christmas day when I want to be spending it with just my child sharing the special day with her. I have no friends or anyone to talk to about my issues. His friends come over bet they go in the garden to smoke or talk football so I'm still left out. So it is basically me and my daughter. And I also hate the fact everyone says she looks just like him and his children and I feel like he should of had our daughter with his ex they way everyone goes on!

And his children a boy and a girl don't know how I feel about them at all

They will know. Without a doubt. You can't hide these kind of feelings.

I validate you, I do, I do, high five ✋. I told you someone would say it didn’t I! “ you knew he had kids” 😆 So original lmao. Have Christmas on your own, you, your partner and your child. The SC can go with mum this year. No biggy. Plenty more Christmas’s to be had. No one actually knows how they will feel after they have their own child. I actually think you just need a break, time to reassess etc. Look at what you are getting right and what you’ve achieved. Don’t let the negative nanny’s on here get to you. You can spot them a mile off! Your this, your that. Me this me that 🙄. Kick your old man into touch and start believing in yourself.

I know where you are coming from op i was in the same position but with a older sc I tried and tried to bond it just didn't happen I gave up after 2 years he's 16 now and stays at ours once a week I just keep busy and do my own thing .I used to get really upset before about it especially as my dp is amazing with my 2 sons they were much younger though I think it's easier when it's a younger child as long as you have tried to have a relationship with them .my partner and I are expecting a baby of our own now and things are good I don't get upset anymore.

you knew what you were getting into.

Ah that old chestnut 🙄 useless and unhelpful, not to mention untrue. I bet you don’t trot that out to mum’s struggling with their kids.

OP, ignore the stepmom mashers. They have too much time on their hands.

It’s completely reasonable of you to say you won’t be a taxi for him anymore. He’s been taking the piss not bothering to learn how to drive. Give him a week or so to make alternative plans. He can use public transport or do an intensive driving course. Don’t ask him. Tell him. He can’t demand that you do him favours.

Bashers not mashers!

And my partner not driving is his decision, me and his family have told him he should of learnt by now but he's got to 34 without a car so he thinks why change it now.

This literally SHOUTS about what kind of person he is, learning to drive would take a lot of pressure off YOU, but he doesn't care enough does he?

And my partner not driving is his decision, me and his family have told him he should of learnt by now but he's got to 34 without a car so he thinks why change it now.

If he had to use public transport to see the kids then he should find the motivation to learn. Nothing like waiting for a bus in the cold and rain to feel sad that your child's not in a nice warm car.

@Louisehk87 Op I totally understand how you feel, my ex had 2 kids and I always had to pick them up, there mum was an absolute c.w and would stop contact constantly unless she wanted a night out, my ex also never had money and she would never help towards petrol even though she moved away!

I got pretty sick of it and when we broke up I swore id never be with another man with kids after my experience 😬

If I was you I would stop picking them up and tell your partner he either needs to learn to drive or get the bus, you do need to stop having these feelings though your a family now and you need to think how it would make you feel if another woman was in your DD's life and feeling this way towards her 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have told my partner he needs to sometimes arrange other methods of getting his kids. He got pretty pissed off constantly saying I hate his kids and that I'm making them miss out on seeing there sister. And he said "what am I meant to tell the ex to why your not picking them, am I meant to tell her because you can't be bothered anymore" so it's not the kids I have these feelings for it's his attitude to it all basically saying I have to be there. I also told him that our daughter has another side of family and if we get invited to things then it's tuff his kids will miss out on seeing her occasionally I'm not going to give up plans just to be there to collect his children. He tries to twist it so that his children are missing out on there sister if im not there. Not the fact that he gets to spend time with his children which is the whole reason I collect them. We've been falling out over this situation the last 2 days and it's making me even more determined not to help him. We don't have a lot of money but I said for his birthday and Xmas ask for money to put towards his test and theory as he could drive my car but he just says no. So I don't know what to do. I have told him if this carries on of basically blackmailing me then I won't be sticking around and he'll have 3 children to collect on his own then.

I was a young step parent at 24.Im assuming you are young? I disliked it but took it on the chin.I left exh over other matters but we didn't have children together thankfully.You chose this life and those children are as much his as your child is.Imagine if you split up and he got with someone else how would you feel if they resented him cuddling your child?

I don't hate when they cuddle on the sofa I'm not sitting on my own glaring at them for doing it. But sometimes it does make me feel left out that's all. Like I said before they won't cuddle when I'm sitting with there dad. And I have made my choice of staying with him and having his child. And these issues weren't around until I had my child. As I have my own to look after and our routine goes completely out of the window because I have to get her in the car 9/10 it's during her feeding time so she's screaming in the car so I have to feed her in the car which is so awkward. There's just no consideration for our daughter when we're all together and the fact I have to attend to her and make sure we get to where they want to go. We live 30min drive from them and if its nice I suggest we stay near there area or go to his mums who's 5mins down the road because we can't afford the fuel to ferry them back and forth which my partner doesn't understand. Plus I have to pay for the wear and tear of my car as I barely go far if its just me and my daughter.

The vipers on here always give step mothers a hard time. So many bitter exes. Ignore the spite, OP.

It seems to me that the problem is you being used as a taxi. Just stop doing it. Tell him the children are welcome but he has to fetch them and take them home. Your daughter is every bit as important as them and her meal times will no longer be disrupted to suit him and his ex.

And stick to it. Say it and mean it. Or it will get worse.

Your partner is taking the piss. He should be arranging all pickups, activities etc. If he chooses not to drive that’s fine, but then he needs to either use a taxi or public transport to collect his children.

Children are generally very good and do know how adults are feeling, I say that as someone who had a mother who was jealous of mine and my sisters relationship with our dad.

Get yourself counseling OP. This is going to get allot worse when they hit 11/12.

Even if you're not saying it, the kids know of your resentment.

I feel sorry for them.

Yourself and your DH both sound so selfish.

@Louhk87 Its not the point, I really don't care if people say "you chose this life" regardless of whether you chose to be a step parent that means loving and caring for a child when its in your OH care when they have contact, it doesn't mean you become a taxi, Tell him you will stop picking them up until HE starts having lessons.

And STOP giving in to him and the ex, pick them up around YOUR baby's schedule half hour wont make a difference!

What I cant understand is if he went through court for 2 years why is there nothing in place for contact? How can she stop contact and set all the rules if he has been to court!?

I'm not sure why you posted if all you keep saying is you're entitled to your feelings.

Bottom line is either tell him to learn to drive or get public transport, as you're out, or grin and bear it.

Resenting him snuggling with his kids on the sofa or spending Xmas with them you know is something you need help with.

I don't think this is really about your step-children and I think you need to separate them off from the real issue.

The real issue is that your DP is using you as a skivvy to run round after him and his children. You need to tell him that this has to stop - and then you need to stick to it.

If he has chosen not to drive, well that's his decision. But it's not up to you to pick up the pieces of that and to do the driving for him. Take that option off the table for him. He can either get a car/learn to drive himself or he can take public transport. The fact he chooses not to drive isn't your problem to sort.

Take yourself out of any chats with his ex. Just say "I'll leave you two ton sort this between you" and then leave the chat. Every. Single. Time.

How supportive is he with caring for your daughter? Standing in the garden chatting with friends while you do all the childcare isn't on. Do you ever get any freetime?

Seriously OP the issue isn't the children, it's your DP.

Is the issue that he works and you are currently not working and he considers that as he is supporting you and dd, it is only fair that you help him too?

If so, will you be going back to work? If you do, then he can't hold this against you and you will have an even better reason for not waiting to do the travelling.

If DH already drives a motorcycle it won't take him long to learn to drive your car. It's crazy that he won't do this. I would insist on this OP as it will change your life for the better.

I have told my partner he needs to sometimes arrange other methods of getting his kids. He got pretty pissed off constantly saying I hate his kids and that I'm making them miss out on seeing there sister. And he said "what am I meant to tell the ex to why your not picking them, am I meant to tell her because you can't be bothered anymore"

He is being an absolute dick. He has no right to get pissed of at you because he can’t be bothered to sort out picking up his own kids.

I’d tell him to tell his ex that he can’t be bothered to learn how to drive.

You’ve been doing him a massive favour these past years and he’s entirely ungrateful.

Stick to your guns and don’t let him being angry make you back down.

Imagine only being able to have your baby two days a fortnight. Then imagine being offered 4 days a fortnight but your partner saying no, it's too much...

The real issue is that your DP is using you as a skivvy to run round after him and his children. You need to tell him that this has to stop - and then you need to stick to it

If he has chosen not to drive, well that's his decision. But it's not up to you to pick up the pieces of that and to do the driving for him. Take that option off the table for him. He can either get a car/learn to drive himself or he can take public transport. The fact he chooses not to drive isn't your problem to sort

^This, with bells on.

OP, I’m glad you took a moment and looked at what the real issue is.
It is not the kids’ fault just as much as it’s not your responsability to parent (them practically single handed at that).

So, you were happy to help, and enjoy those two kids being around their sister. All good.

But the ferrying and the parenting your OH has placed on your shoulders is too much. You can’t juggle it all. Absolutely fine. You’re a new mum, you have a demanding baby and a useless partner.

You telling him to sort out the pick ups/drop offs is perfectly reasonable. You’re not doing it out of spite, it clashes with the baby’s feeding time, with how tired you are.

A good partner would see that, apologise and make amends. But he’a not. He’s abusive. Good on you for telling him he will have 3 kids to pick up. Good on you for standing up to him.

Imagine only being able to have your baby two days a fortnight. Then imagine being offered 4 days a fortnight but your partner saying no, it's too much...

It sounds awful. And irrelevant to this situation so not sure what your point is. He only sees them 4 days a month so it’s heartbreaking, and shit, that he can’t be bothered to collect them himself and relies on OP, who could (and bloody well should) dump him tomorrow, to do it. HE’S their father. It’s his job.

Your partner sounds utterly useless and exhausting. His ex is probably exhausted. You sound like you need to leave and find a man with no children.