Step parent or biological parents?

[Clilanne09]

Hi so sorry for long post but it’s my first one I’m looking for opinions and advice.

Me and my ex had a daughter together she is only just 10 years old.
He is married with two other children 5 and 2.
He has contact with my daughter from Friday school pick up to Monday he drops her to school - every other weekend.
My daughter went to his on Saturday as her birthday was on Friday and she had a party.
Fast forward to Monday evening. I picked my daughter up from school and the after school club informed me that she had attended breakfast club at 08:10 and I would be charged - she doesn’t usually have breakfast club.
I discussed with dad, he told me he and his wife dropped my daughter off at school 35 minutes early and drove off to take their other child to school.
My daughter told me it was only when they drove off that she checked the time and realised she was early and she panicked so went to the breakfast club, she said she was scared and didn’t know what to do.
Later that evening she told me they done nothing special for her birthday, just ordered pizza Saturday night. She received for her birthday a knock off smart watch from eBay that she isn’t allowed to wear at school.
Daughter told me that night that that weekend dads wife had bought her clothes from a charity shop, while bought her sister a brand new coat from Asda. Daughter told me dads wife packed their lunch for school and gave my daughter a bagel and an orange while gave her own daughter bagel, orange, biscuits, and strawberries.

Now I understand it should be her dad doing things for her but historically the wife takes over everything and there have been issues similar to this before but he sticks up for her and she cries and says she tries her best.

Simply put I don’t think this is fair treatment of my daughter, she has come home and told me his wife makes her feel left out and she doesn’t want to see either of them again.

[bobsyourauntie]

funinthesun that would be difficult as he goes weeks between visits so it would be with one or the other for weeks at a time, so they couldn't really share it.

DD was just disappointed, as she could use it for homework, whereas all the 4yo does is play games on it.

[Drabarni]

He should pay for the breakfast club and it sounds like she didn't ask for the present or pizza, her dad should have asked what she wanted.

All you can do is contact him and tell him what she has said. keep to this and try to keep any emotion out of it.

It sounds like he doesn't understand her at all, and he is the parent not his wife, so he should be doing things for her and checking what she wants in packed lunch.

[Sotiredofthislife]

No, if you read my posts, I haven’t said that SM and dad are wrong. Not once. I can see that isn’t necessarily the case, however worrying some of the original post is. Even if they’re not wrong, they’re not necessarily right either. Much is how the child experiences the situation.

[Dollyparton3]

@Magda72 I think this is the most considered and balanced post I've ever seen in this group. I applaud your post and ability to see both sides on this. Thank you

[stuffedpeppers]

The OP did point out there have been issues like this before -their is history which has been confronted by the OP in the past and obviously needs a regular reminder.

My issue is here - she gave her child more food than their sibling. Those actions she was completely in control of and has history of.

I had missed that OP - both your Ex and his partner need to stop the behaviour.

[Longlongsummer]

Now I understand it should be her dad doing things for her but historically the wife takes over everything and there have been issues similar to this before but he sticks up for her and she cries and says she tries her best.

This to me is key. It’s the OP saying should be her Dad doing things for her but...

I’ve been a SM and I really think there should be no ‘but’. Her Dad should be doing things for her. Her Dad should be checking about her packed lunch and not being so lazy that he hands it over to his wife. Of course that is how resentment builds up, of course SM will treat her own kids differently, she’s responsible for her own but not the step kids. I really wish Exes would stop blaming SMs for what is clearly the fathers responsibility. It’s not like she cooks dinner and gives her smaller sizes. She’s probably sick of being asked to be parent to a child who probably doesn’t even like her. Why should she? Why should the child? Talk to him and blame him.

Full stop!

[Firefliess]

The OP doesn't appear to have any interest in this thread

[hsegfiugseskufh]

My issue is here - she gave her child more food than their sibling. Those actions she was completely in control of and has history of

Ime i wouldnt completely trust what a 10yo says to one parent about another.

Op i would speak to dad about the early drop off and sorting breakfast club properly if its needed but i think the rest is mountains being made out of molehills.

[stuffedpeppers]

Sorry any woman who is petty enough to discriminate against a child and not have those issues out with their partner is still in control of their own actions.

Why does everyone think the SM is always in the right - they are the adult in this scenario and they deal with it - not take it out on child which it appears she ahs done in the past.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Why does everyone think the SM is always in the right

Ive never read anything so laughable.

Its very rare that anyone thinks the step mum is right.

She should be responsible for her actions - if they actually happened and there is something to be responsible for.

Ultimately this child isnt her responsibility and the childs dad needs to step up.

I dont know the posting history of this poster so ive no idea what happened in the past.

[Longlongsummer]

What a silly thing to say
Sorry any woman who is petty enough to discriminate against a child and not have those issues out with their partner is still in control of their own actions.
Of course a SM differentiates between their kids and step kids, as has been rammed down their throats many a time on these threads, they are not the step kids parent! So they shouldn’t be acting as if they were. Which includes having to buy them exactly the same coat!

Should the SM have let her child go without a coat because her DSD happened to be there that weekend? It’s crazy. She even bought her a coat too, so to me that shows she really isn’t the evil SM trying to make her feel bad, she didn’t have to do this at all.

If I were the SM in this scenario I think I’d be pretty fed up if I’d cared for a step daughter at the weekend, made a fuss over her birthday with pizza and a present, also bought her a coat just to make her feel a little better whilst I was shopping for my daughter (where was Dad by the way when this happened?), and made her packed lunch because lazy arse Dad didn’t and I wasn’t sure what was okay to give her so just packed what I could. I think I’d be saying, next weekend deal with your own daughter to the Ex and sort out her lunch yourself, and to the DSD I’d be feeling well thanks a lot for the going to Mum and making it all about me, I’d want her to sort it out with her Dad next time!

[funinthesun19]

Why does everyone think the SM is always in the right

Not always, but 9/10 they get a rough ride for fuck all. I think most mums would rather stick her claws in to another woman rather than their child’s father.

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

I think with the clothes at least she tried. This happened to us last week. It's Jewish New year so I bought everyone a new piece of clothing, were not flooded with money at the moment so did my best. My SS didn't like his pink polo shirt because it's pink... No Biggie my DD said she'd take it. I didn't have to include them as they're not Jewish but did my best to not make him feel left out.
My SD just had her birthday party last Saturday (6 weeks after her actual birthday). We celebrated with a cake we made and some presents. She was happy as she could be!
The lunchbox... We sometimes run out of stuff so we ask who would prefer what.. and again everybody is happy. The only red flag is the breakfast club IMO

[funinthesun19]

And most of the time it’s the father causing the problems, but yet somehow the attention and blame gets put on the stepmum.

He’s in control on his own actions, nobody else. You can’t blame his partner/wife for those actions.

And the bottom line is:
The stepmum shouldn’t have to answer for him, make up for his mistakes or do stuff for him to make him look less bad when it comes to his child. Because why should she? And her children are first and foremost her priority. Someone has to make sure they have a warm winter coat and someone has to get her child to school. If he’s not going to give a damn about his first children then he sure as hell isn’t going to be any better with his second ones. So her own time and resources are doubled towards her own.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

and the breakfast club is entirely dads fault / problem / issue

[funinthesun19]

The stepmum shouldn’t have to answer for him, make up for his mistakes or do stuff for him to make him look less bad when it comes to his child.

his child from a previous relationship

[funinthesun19]

and the breakfast club is entirely dads fault / problem / issue

Definitely! He’s a grown man and is old enough to get his child to school safely with safe arrangements in place. I can’t even believe his fuck up is being minimised by blaming the stepmum!

[hsegfiugseskufh]

I can’t even believe his fuck up is being minimised by blaming the stepmum!

lol I can, everything is the step mums fault isn't it!

I know everythings my fault when it comes to dps ex anyway!

[Teenangels]

OP your daughter didn’t go to her Dad’s on the day she should of, because it was her birthday perhaps her dad wanted to see his daughter on her birthday but you changed the contact day, and then complain that they only had take away pizza.
The clothes issue is a non issue this family could be really struggling for money but the daughter needed a coat they couldn’t find one in the charity shop so went to Asda hardly high end, and they could buy something for your daughter in the charity shop, would you complain if it was the other way around?.
What time does your daughter school start? My children’s school allow children to enter the playground half an hour before school.

[funinthesun19]

I know everythings my fault when it comes to dps ex anyway!

Yep. I’m always the one who gets the telling off too. It sucks.

The biggest one that I’ve nit been able to get over was when my DS was having a rough morning (he has ASD) and my partner was snoring away in bed. It was dsc’s first day back to school and it slipped my mind to get a back to school photo. His ex exploded.
Guess who got most of the blame? My partner got a slap on the wrist in comparison!

[hsegfiugseskufh]

its pathetic, I don't know how many times I have to say "he is not my child, he has 2 parents and I am not one of them"

when he lived with us I basically was his mother, as his mother contributed a tiny amount of maintenance and barely saw him. if she took him somewhere when she did see him she demanded money for it etc etc so I really did parent, mentally physically and financially for about 2 years.

Now he has moved back in with her, I am relishing in doing sweet FA. the less I do the less I can get blamed for (though I still do even though all of it has nothing to do with me!)

[Witchydearest]

Bless you all. I’ve years on some of you I think ( SM for 15years) . Remember you are not the parent, you will get taken advantage of, you will be picked up and put down, used and abused by both parents. Unfortunately it’s true, some women do just want to see the bad in a SM. You should read the AIBU thread overstepping SM, read and enjoy the hypocrisy.

[Longlongsummer]

Remember you are not the parent, you will get taken advantage of, you will be picked up and put down, used and abused by both parents. Unfortunately it’s true, some women do just want to see the bad in a SM. You should read the AIBU thread overstepping SM, read and enjoy the hypocrisy.

So true! I’ve got 10 years and have step kids who’d rather bitch about me, which their mother loves, and DH blames me for them not coming to the house. I sooo wish I hadn’t been their mother for so many years! Like @holidayhelpppp I also became main carer. I cleaned up their sick, I took them on holidays (without either parent!), I got nits from their hair, organized their birthday parties. Got blamed for absolutely everything!

Most demoralising experience of my entire life.

[Witchydearest]

@longlongsummer -I understand completely. I wish the parents would just try and understand our point of view. Instead they tar us all SPs with the same brush. Always siding with their C in the most bizarre situations. Logic just not coming into it. No talking, just accusing. I’m BM, What I say goes attitude. Well not in house love! And if you don’t like it you know what you can do. No one tells me what I can and can’t do if I’m 50% of the time wiping their C backsides.

[Sotiredofthislife]

Wow. And you wonder why there are problems? Really?