Step parent or biological parents?

[Clilanne09]

Hi so sorry for long post but it’s my first one I’m looking for opinions and advice.

Me and my ex had a daughter together she is only just 10 years old.
He is married with two other children 5 and 2.
He has contact with my daughter from Friday school pick up to Monday he drops her to school - every other weekend.
My daughter went to his on Saturday as her birthday was on Friday and she had a party.
Fast forward to Monday evening. I picked my daughter up from school and the after school club informed me that she had attended breakfast club at 08:10 and I would be charged - she doesn’t usually have breakfast club.
I discussed with dad, he told me he and his wife dropped my daughter off at school 35 minutes early and drove off to take their other child to school.
My daughter told me it was only when they drove off that she checked the time and realised she was early and she panicked so went to the breakfast club, she said she was scared and didn’t know what to do.
Later that evening she told me they done nothing special for her birthday, just ordered pizza Saturday night. She received for her birthday a knock off smart watch from eBay that she isn’t allowed to wear at school.
Daughter told me that night that that weekend dads wife had bought her clothes from a charity shop, while bought her sister a brand new coat from Asda. Daughter told me dads wife packed their lunch for school and gave my daughter a bagel and an orange while gave her own daughter bagel, orange, biscuits, and strawberries.

Now I understand it should be her dad doing things for her but historically the wife takes over everything and there have been issues similar to this before but he sticks up for her and she cries and says she tries her best.

Simply put I don’t think this is fair treatment of my daughter, she has come home and told me his wife makes her feel left out and she doesn’t want to see either of them again.

[funinthesun19]

Some of the stuff you have listed such a stealing money is definitely unarguably shitty behaviour. But the way some mums go on about being their only mum and not BM and then in the next breath expect another woman to treat their children like their own just makes it all in to a total minefield. That’s why I never get the outrage when someone uses the term “BM” if mums expect the stepmum to be a mother figure.

[Sotiredofthislife]

The dads need answer more for mistakes that their exes are seeing. But it’s quite easy and and convenient for the ex to just blame another woman. Probably makes them feel better

I agree that many men stand by and expect a new wife to pick up where the last one left off. I can understand the resentment that must cause. I can understand, in my children’s step mum’s case, that my three children to her one must be hard to manage or that in families where large sums of maintenance are paid that there is a negative impact on ‘new’ children. I can understand that my children’s loveable quirks are bloody annoying and god knows there are times I would happily tape over my very loud eldest’s mouth so if step mum gets pissed off with him, she can get behind me in the queue!

But if you start saying that dropping a child into a playground with less of a lunch than you give your own child is dad’s responsibility alone, is in fact a step mum doing her best then we are suggesting that any step parent doesn’t need to take responsibility for their own actions. Buck may stop with the ex - and he shouldn’t stand by and watch this happen - but the step mum did the actual dropping off and deemed that OK for a 10 year old child. What she should have done is refuse to drop the child into a playground and leave the dad to sort it out.

[Sotiredofthislife]

I don’t expect the step mum to be a mother figure. I expect her to treat my children with fairness and respect. Birth mum is a phrase used in fostering and adoption situations. My children are not in need, have not been removed from my care, and I haven’t made the decision to give them up for someone else to bring them up. They are my children and I expect that to be respected and recognised. Otherwise I could just call their step mother ‘the bitch your birth father lives with’., couldn’t I?

[Aderyn19]

I wouldn't be happy about any of this either and I'd be keeping a close eye. I would not accept my child being dropped off at school really early with no arrangements to go to breakfast club. I think that's a safeguarding issue and neglectful. And yes, he does need to pay for it.
No excuse for giving your DD less good either. It's not a surprise to the dad and sm that they have DD that weekend - they need to buy sufficient food!
I would also expect her dad to make a fuss of her birthday and to properly celebrate it. I think the present is okay if that's all they can afford and so long as it works properly. But unless her party was half financed by her dad and was a jointly hosted celebration, I would expect him to do something special on his contact day.
I also think that buying one child something from a charity shop and at the same time buying another child something from a proper shop, highlights inequality and emphasises difference between the two, especially in a step family situation. At best it is tactless.
Ten is old enough imo to notice if you are being treated differently.
I'd tackle him about school and the food situation - I don't believe that level of responsibility should be placed on your DD and I would be quietly watching to ensure my child was being treated fairly.

[funinthesun19]

The dad had a responsibility to get his child to school. He has that responsibility as the child’s parent. This is what I mean about her being dragged down by him.
The stepmum needed to get her own children to school. HE decided not to stay with his child so he needs to own that choice , not her. The stepmum could not have stayed because she had to be elsewhere. It’s him who is at fault. The only thing she could have possibly done is convinced him to stay, but even if she did she doesn’t own him.

[funinthesun19]

The dad had a responsibility to get his child to school. He has that responsibility as the child’s parent. This is what I mean about her being dragged down by him

Sorry I forgot to add to this paragraph...

He failed to do so. That’s why she is being dragged down.

[Witchydearest]

A perfect example of the pettiness I was referring too, well done.

[honeyalomondlatte]

'She’s only just turned 10 and is too young yo make the adult decision of cutting contact'

Bullshit! I stoped going to see my father when I was 9 years old for similar reasons to the OP's daughter (Step brothers/my brothers getting all the attention and me being left at home with SM all weekend, among other issues). I made that decision on my own (my mother was accused of brain washing me, I had to meet with a horrible social worker monthly which was itself very traumatic) and I still stand by it today 30 odd years later! It's damaging to force children into a relationship with anyone they don't want to see regardless of if he is her father or not! We have just been through similar with my niece and a court listens to anything a child has to say on the matter these days as well.

I would discuss your daughters concerns with her father OP. It's very worrying he dropped her at school so early and this could have been potentially dangerous. He has a responsibility to make sure she is safe at all time within his care. That's a safeguarding issue. As for the lunch issue it's disgraceful to leave one child hungry and provide more of the others. The only way this would be ok is if your daughter isn't a big eater. Even then it should still be provided. The clothes issue isn't something that would bother me really. Neither really is the pizza night (that would be a treat night for our family).
He needs to care for his child not leave it all up to the SM though.

[Sotiredofthislife]

But she did the actual leaving, fun. She could have delivered the child to breakfast club and told them to charge her partner. She could have made the decision to make her own children late. She could have left the house without her step child or even dropped her on her mum’s doorstep. That’s on her.

[Witchydearest]

Do you not want OP to have a better experience of co-parenting than us?

[funinthesun19]

I discussed with dad, he told me he and his wife dropped my daughter off at school 35 minutes early and drove off to take their other child to school.
My daughter told me it was only when they drove off that she checked the time and realised she was early and she panicked so went to the breakfast club, she said she was scared and didn’t know what to do.

They were both there Sotired. She didn’t drop the child off without him present. If that was the case then the child would have been in her care so it would have been a different scenario. He messed up as a father so I’m afraid this is all on him.

[edgeofheaven]

The breakfast club thing is a problem and you need to speak to your ex about that.

The other things all seem kind of minor to me. Your ex's wife may have spent her own money on the new coat for her child, and your ex maybe gives her a small budget to put towards clothes for your own DD. And to be honest second hand good quality clothing may be nicer than new from Asda anyway. Pizza for her birthday is fine - why should she have two birthday parties when most children are lucky if they get one?

Talk to your ex about the breakfast club and perhaps the packed lunch. Forget the rest. And don't put the blame on the stepmother - your DD is your ex's responsibility.

[Sotiredofthislife]

Ah, apologies, hadn’t picked that up correctly. Yes, if dad was there, his fault.

Better experience of co-parenting? Like others, I have suggested, looking at things from another perspective. I try to do that all the time. I consider that reasonable and fair. I have stuck up for horrid step mum when what my children tell me sounds like they’ve been out of order.

But none of that means that some step mum’s behave badly at least some of the time. Ignoring or dismissing our children when they tell us these things isn’t right. They already feel - perhaps without good reason - second best in one of their homes. They need to feel they are someone’s priority and that their concerns have been heard. That might mean challenging the ex and step mum.

And I’ll leave you with this thought: if your expectation is that mum recognises charity shop stuff or a lack of strawberries isn’t necessarily about evil step mum, why shouldn’t ex and step mum recognise that their actions might sometime cause distress for the children, even if they never meant to upset them? In other words, you’re expecting mum to take a deep breath and see the bigger picture but not the other way around. A good co-parent isn’t about one parent shutting up and putting up. Both parties need recognise they sometimes get it wrong.

[funinthesun19]

Why is automatically assumed it will be the dad’s household where the child feels second best though?
Mums do go on to have more children when they split with their first husband if they want to. Let’s not pretend the first children never take a backseat in mum’s house because believe me they will do at some point if they’re running a family with more than one child. Same with a dad’s household. It’s nothing to do with feeling second best, it’s just that the world doesn’t revolve around 1 child anymore. That happens in all families whether the parents are together or not.

[Witchydearest]

@SotiredofthislifeA good co-parent isn’t about one parent shutting up and putting up. Both parties need recognise they sometimes get it wrong. That’s right well done 👍
That’s why it’s good to communicate, that’s why it’s good to keep an open mind until you have the facts.
@funinthesun19 your so on it! My SD has the shock of her life when her mum went on to have another child, suddenly BM was a little more understanding. Yes I said BM! BM! See we can all be petty. Doesn’t it look juvenile

[lazyarse123]

The school issue needs addressing as does the lunchbox, there is never an excuse to give one child less than another. The new coat could have been purchased without the ops daughter being there as presumably the child lives full time with her mother. I don't think I would be bothered about the birthday gift though. Your daughter obviously feels left out and you need to speak to her father and take it from there. I don't know why people assume that all kids lie, I have 3, 2 of them don't lie as far as I am aware and the middle one couldn't tell the the truth if his life depended on it, they are all adults now.

[funinthesun19]

My SD has the shock of her life when her mum went on to have another child, suddenly BM was a little more understanding.

I’m glad to hear that. Nothing worse than your dsc’s mum thinking she’s the boss of you and your household, especially when it concerns your own children.

[Novembersbean]

As others have said there's a lot of different things going on here and whilst some are a bit questionable, others are perfectly reasonable, which is giving an overall impression that you are encouraging your daughter to feel hard done by. What they did for her birthday and buying second hand clothes are not a problem. As for dropping her off early for school - for perspective, when I was your daughters age my mum worked at the same school I attended. I had gone to a child minders when was younger but by around 10 I was considered responsible enough to take care of myself in the safe confines of a school, and I basically just roamed the halls before and after school until my mum was ready to go home (at around 5). Sometimes I would run errands for members of staff or hang out with the cleaners. It was fine, and that was for a lot longer each day than what your daughter had to do.

The problem is that she never seems to know what's going on. Is your daughter the kind of person who is easily distracted or often doesn't listen when people talk to her? I say that because it's highly unlikely that they would have just left her at school early without having had a conversation about it and said "this is what you're supposed to do". Likewise, it's very possible that other things on your list of complaints were explained to her at the time and she wasn't listening - like the need to have a sturdy coat while it's ok to pick up other bits second hand. Or a question of what she might like to do for her birthday.

The lunch box sounds like the most questionable thing to me but my instinct would be to ask if your daughter is a fussy eater around them. If I had a child that I knew wouldn't eat the more filling and nutritious part of the meal such as sandwiches if there were biscuits in there, then I would not give them the biscuits, regardless of whether other children had them. My step son is like this, and even now if I have something nice for him I rarely give it to him at the same time as the healthier stuff I want him to eat, I will keep it secret and give it to him afterwards. It's entirely possible that this was a parental decision rather than favouritism.

You need to be careful you're not making assumptions that aren't true because of the way your daughter puts it. She's the child, her feeling hard done by at not being spoilt rotten doesn't always mean she is and she will be increasingly aware she can play you off against each other, especially if you are outraged whenever she complains about something.

[FieldsOf]

Knock off smart watch

[SunMoonRainShine]

Just wanted to say I shop in charity shops for both DSD and DD, because you often get better clothes for less money than buying new. Same with eBay. Maybe she couldn't find the right size coat in the charity shop so had to go to Asda?

Pizza/watch sounds lovely!

He should organise breakfast club regularly to facilitate school runs. No big deal.

The lunch thing sounds weird but could be a reasonable explanation. Encourage her to ask next time. Obviously if you start suspecting she is getting fed less when she's there, that's an issue. But as a one off, it's again not a huge deal and could be an accident.

[newnameagainagain]

Can I just say that if she is 10 many children are getting themselves to and from school in year6, they start getting to school earlier to chat in the playground etc.
Dropping her earlier than expect 1 time is not a massive deal IMO.

Charity clothes is no big deal.
eBay smart watch is more than okay, I'd not want my child having a smart watch anyway.
Pizza for birthday treat is fine.

The only real issue is the lunch inequality which could be something and nothing. None of us know, it isn't a regular occurrence and it can become a non issue by communication.

You are a 1 child household where your daughter is the centre of your world, at her dads she is 1 of 3. Life will be different.

[pikapikachu]

Most primary schools don't have adults on duty until dropping off time. 35 minutes early is ludricously early and I can imagine how shit it is to be in a deserted playground (possibly in the rain?) 35 minutes before others arrive.

[stuffedpeppers]

That her father and SM dropped her off 35 mins early and did not point this out to her - is fecking shit, nasty and malignant.

Sorry they have told her - she is not wrong that they are treating her differently, that is not a sleight, not a mistake, it was deliberate favoured their DC for whatever reason and plain wrong.

Had missed that bit

[Novembersbean]

stuffedpeppers we don't know that they didn't tell her at all, children very often nod along without paying attention and then freak out as if they weren't warned. That is definitely one to take with a pinch of salt.

[Longlongsummer]

The main problem here is that you’ve a huge big list that = step mum excluding and being nasty...
When in reality there are lots of different issues, imho, some not relevant and some are your Exes call.

• birthday - sounds fine - tell your DD that she should accept gifts graciously. She sounded quite ungrateful.
  
• coat - this is your realm really you provide the main clothes I presume as main carer. Not the SMs job to get this and I’d be reminding my daughter that she is not her daughter so she should have appreciated the extra gift from SM.
  
• SM May have had no idea what she could pack in her lunch, many SMs on this board have been castigated for giving too many sweets or treats for example. Again, it’s really not her job. So don’t knock her!
  

Now your Ex dropping her off early to school is pretty rubbish and leaving her there. That’s not good. Also a Ex should have packed her lunch himself! He’s the parent!

So DD should rightly feel upset about her Dad about the lunch and her early school drop off with no club planned. And you could contact him yourself about that.

The SM has done nothing wrong but has done extra parenting for your child.