Step parent or biological parents?

[Clilanne09]

Hi so sorry for long post but it’s my first one I’m looking for opinions and advice.

Me and my ex had a daughter together she is only just 10 years old.
He is married with two other children 5 and 2.
He has contact with my daughter from Friday school pick up to Monday he drops her to school - every other weekend.
My daughter went to his on Saturday as her birthday was on Friday and she had a party.
Fast forward to Monday evening. I picked my daughter up from school and the after school club informed me that she had attended breakfast club at 08:10 and I would be charged - she doesn’t usually have breakfast club.
I discussed with dad, he told me he and his wife dropped my daughter off at school 35 minutes early and drove off to take their other child to school.
My daughter told me it was only when they drove off that she checked the time and realised she was early and she panicked so went to the breakfast club, she said she was scared and didn’t know what to do.
Later that evening she told me they done nothing special for her birthday, just ordered pizza Saturday night. She received for her birthday a knock off smart watch from eBay that she isn’t allowed to wear at school.
Daughter told me that night that that weekend dads wife had bought her clothes from a charity shop, while bought her sister a brand new coat from Asda. Daughter told me dads wife packed their lunch for school and gave my daughter a bagel and an orange while gave her own daughter bagel, orange, biscuits, and strawberries.

Now I understand it should be her dad doing things for her but historically the wife takes over everything and there have been issues similar to this before but he sticks up for her and she cries and says she tries her best.

Simply put I don’t think this is fair treatment of my daughter, she has come home and told me his wife makes her feel left out and she doesn’t want to see either of them again.

[Sotiredofthislife]

we don't know that they didn't tell her at all, children very often nod along without paying attention and then freak out as if they weren't warned. That is definitely one to take with a pinch of salt

Bottom line is a child aged 10 was left outside for around 35 minutes during which time there would be no adult supervision. Even if she knew that was going to happen, is it right? Yes, some children that age get themselves to school. But not this particular child. I would put good mo eh ex throwing his toys out his prom if the OP did the same.

[Sotiredofthislife]

What they did for her birthday and buying second hand clothes are not a problem

Depends how the second hand thing is done. If it’s something a family does as a whole, not a problem. If it is only the non-resident child it could still be ok if the clothes just appear in her wardrobe and she’s not dragged round the shops with the resident children who don’t get second hand clothes ever. If step mum takes them all out together, buys her children designer labels and the step child second hand, it is starting to be very unpleasant. If resident children use the fact of second hand to tease or bully the non- resident child, it’s also a problem.

Context is everything. I assume the eBay watch was new but again, if second hand as the only person who gets second hand, it’s not great, is it?

[Novembersbean]

Sotiredofthislife well she said Asda, not designer, so it sounds like they buy cheaply in general. Charity shops have what they have and there won't be something good for all sizes so chances are they just got what they could there and looked for the rest in the cheapest shop - asda. It's not really a positive thing to teach a young girl to view as a bad thing.

[funinthesun19]

If step mum takes them all out together, buys her children designer labels and the step child second hand, it is starting to be very unpleasant.

I can tell you’re starting to project a bit now. That’s not what has happened is it? She’s bought her daughter an essential item from the supermarket. Coats for small children from Asda are around maybe £12-15? Maybe cheaper. So what makes you think she’s spending extravagant amounts of money on her own children? She provided a warm coat for her child, the same way as the op needs to provide one for her child. Maybe she didn’t have enough money to go and buy her dsc full priced stuff all at once, but her child needed a new coat because it’s getting cold and wet now isn’t it. Why shouldn’t she go to the supermarket and buy a new one for her? She’s her mum and it’s her responsibility.

If resident children use the fact of second hand to tease or bully the non- resident child, it’s also a problem.

Bullying is a separate issue and shouldn’t be tolerated. And remember it cuts both ways and I know you won’t want to admit it or recognise it, but children from first families could have designer stuff from their other parent and rub it in their younger siblings’ faces/bully them when they go to their other home.

[funinthesun19]

assume the eBay watch was new but again, if second hand as the only person who gets second hand, it’s not great, is it?

Maybe it’s what the stepdaughter asked for for her birthday and they couldn’t afford a new full priced one. If it’s in good quality then what’s the issue?

[Sotiredofthislife]

So what makes you think she’s spending extravagant amounts of money on her own children?

I was reacting to the very wide open comment, in my opinion, that is 'buying second hand clothes....not a problem'. I have said already that if that's the way this family works, it's OK. But if there is some kind of deliberate 'you get second hand, you get new' thing going on, that's different. I acknowledge that the OP hadn't mentioned 'designer labels' and that was me - in relation to an open 'buying second hand clothes is OK' comment. It was meant generally, not specifically.

I know you won’t want to admit it or recognise it
You have absolutely no idea what I want to admit or am able to recognise. Please do not patronise me. Bullying can of course work two ways.

Maybe it’s what the stepdaughter asked for for her birthday and they couldn’t afford a new full priced one. If it’s in good quality then what’s the issue?

No issue if that's how the family works generally. Massive issue if money would be found for one child to have new but not found for the other. Not sure how many times I have to say that. Only the OP's daughter knows how that usually works in her dad's house. And yes, I acknowledge, she may well have the wrong end of the stick.

[Novembersbean]

Sotiredofthislife well you were replying to my comment saying buying second hand clothes is fine and I was referring to this case in particular. I don't see a massive difference in buying second hand or from asda, they are both cheap, and a second hand coat may well be a much better brand.

In any case I don't really think it's right to keep tabs on what a step mum buys for her own kids and pass judgment if it is not tit for tat on every occasion. Her partners ex trying to micromanage what she does with her own children is (rightly) likely to be met with hostility and resentment, because it is not their business. It's up to her what she does for her own children and not really her job to buy for her stepdaughter, as long as there is no unkind gloating it's not right for others to set conditions on what she can do for her kids. With a list of complaints as long as this one I see a lot of examples of a child looking for injustice and getting the wrong end of the stick and possibly being indulged by her mother to be materialistic, and a step mum that will probably get fed up of having everything she does scrutinised when she helps out with her step daughter and stop being so welcoming. If she has issues they should be directed at the father, but "you're not throwing enough money at her to meet my standards" is not likely to be received well.

[funinthesun19]

But if there is some kind of deliberate 'you get second hand, you get new' thing going on, that's different

It could be that. The op hasn’t elaborated on that. Either way though, it’s the dad’s job to resolve anything like that.
I still think a stepmum should be able to go and buy her own child something like a cheap (but good quality) new winter coat from Asda without feeling like she can’t, regardless of what may or may not be in her stepchildren’s wardrobe. She is the child’s parent and can make her own choice about what she wants to buy for her own child without answering to anyone else.

[Longlongsummer]

I think the sum of all of this is - it’s not the SM is it?!

Sort out anything with the Dad.

[cookingonwine]

I would assume it's different parenting styles.

I don't like how you have belittled your ex and the father of your child choices and it leaves a lot to be desired.

I don't believe buying clothes or presents second hand is an issue, myself, husband and children all wear secondhand clothes however I do normally buy new coats if I am not able to find the correct size needed. I don't think buying a coat from Asda is anything to write home about personally, more than likely the second hand clothes would be better quality. I am also assuming your ex pays maintenance therefore pay x amount per week to ensure your child is feed and clothed at your house.

If you use after school club or breakfast club, I don't understand why this is a big issue apart from cost? But as mentioned before if the father pays maintenance then this would be covered in that. So for me it's a non event, apart from your child not knowing she needed to attend. However a child who is in Year 5 should be aware of what to do, especially if it is a daily event when you drop her off early; I am assuming again the morning and after school club is used regularly due to the comment that it would be added onto your bill.

As for the birthday treat of take away pizza, I find this charming as this is how we celebrate birthday's in our household.

With regards to the lunch, I would actually ask about this, as I believe there is a bigger story to this.

Either way you have made yourself out to be a snob. Your child on probability is just disappointed that she didn't get enough fuss for her birthday.

[Sotiredofthislife]

But as mentioned before if the father pays maintenance then this would be covered in that

No, absolutely not. If he wants to use breakfast club, he can pay for it himself. Ridiculous.

Snob? Yeah, you deal with an upset child who feels less important than other children in their other parent’s household. Do come back and tell us the impact that had on your child.

[Aprillygirl]

Am I the only person to find it strange that your DD had so many grievances on the one weekend? It sounds to me that she was pissed off because she didn't get thrown another party and/or she didn't like her birthday present so decided to have a moan about other petty stuff. I mean, I've never had experience of step motherhood, but surely one isn't obliged to buy your DD a coat just because she buys her own kid one. It's your job to kit your child out with the help of the maintenance that her dad gives you isn't it?

[Dollyparton3]

I agree with others, you've got to be very careful here OP to not set your DD up here to play you and your ex off each other.

I think she's sounding very entitled. Her gift would have been in excess of £100 I'd imagine, on top of that her step mum bought her clothes (regardless of where from, it's incredibly ungrateful to criticise that.) Her pizza delivery also wouldn't have been cheap and may have been what she asked for weeks ago. Also with other children in the picture that wasn't a cheap meal.

I think you need to back the step mum here who sounds like she's been very generous towards your daughter and your daughter sounds like she's trying to manipulate people against each other to get what she wants. At her age this is where the trouble starts if she's that type

[stuffedpeppers]

OP -as you are finding the SM can never do any wrong and it is always yours and your Exes fault.

As I said before - break it down with your daughter and see where this stems from. It may just be bratty behaviour - it may not, it may be an accumulation of events and her birthday highlighted it all.

The school drop off - appears to be a change because their eldest has now started school - your DD should have been warned about it and been made clear what was going on - she obviously did not. The suggestion you should pick her up on Sunday so it no longer happened - to assist their new childcare arrangements is laughable, likewise the suggestion he adds it to your bill because he pays maintenance.

My second issue is the food. We can all hear the, well the father should make her packed lunch - like in any family two parents make packed lunches at the same time for children, whilst trying to get out the door! If they divide and conquer the tasks then the SM should treat the daughter the same - and whether she ahd enough food or not - it should have been shared.

The pie eyed view on here that the SM can do no wrong and the BM is evil is laughable. Bit like the golden uterus theory.

Talk to your daughter and your Ex - especially regarding the school drop off - that is a safe guarding issue - she is 10 yrs old. Amazing how step kids are expected to be more mature than their other siblings

[Longlongsummer]

@stuffedpeppers there is nothing that the SM has done wrong. Point out clearly what exactly she did? Because I find nothing.

The Dad however, dropped his daughter off without checking she had anywhere to do. To be honest he’s lucky that his GF made the lunch, bought her a coat, etc as he obviously is quite happy to hand over parenting. He could have taken his own DD out that day by himself as a treat. He could have actually asked her what lunch she wanted. Even if he then asked GF to make it. 100% his responsibility but of course it’s so much easier to blame SM!

[Sotiredofthislife]

there is nothing that the SM has done wrong. Point out clearly what exactly she did? Because I find nothing

Depends, doesn’t it. There is an alternative viewpoint for all the complaints - she was deliberately dropped off and left with no warning or she was warned and agreed to it but got scared. Dad may have no issue paying breakfast club. He may refuse. Step mum may have deliberately given her own child the ‘better’ lunch. Or she may have run out and discussed it with the girls first. She may have got fed up with giving the DSD food she never eats. DSD may have asked for and been promised something other than pizza. DSD may have had to endure a shopping trip where she was told she could only have second hand clothes when other children got new. She may have been given a second hand present when she knows her step sibling got the same thing new 2 months ago. Or the whole family may be revelling in their eBay bargains.

Without the view point of SM or dad, how will we know? Even if some of the issues are deliberate - like buying second hand - how DSD interprets that and how SM and Dad meant it can be two very different things. We should teach our children to be grateful, I agree, but I’m not sure they should be grateful for second best or second hand if bought as a deliberate sleight rather than out of necessity, thriftiness or ecological awareness. Nor should a child be grateful to receive some food if everyone around them has more, or more choice.

Finally, it is naive to assume that children are never treated poorly in one or other of their homes where a step parent is present. Both biological and step parent are capable of behaving badly - deliberately or accidentally - and we should listen to what the children have to say if they are distressed or upset following time with their other parent. The trick is interpreting that information correctly. I worry that I play down some pretty awful things my children tell me because I simply can’t face the ex’s lies and abuse. I worry my children will think I didn’t care or that their feelings didn’t matter but the alternative is to add another battle to the war that is already raging. I worry they will judge me for not standing up for them or if it’s worse than I realise, for not protecting them. It is very hard to know where the line is.

[funinthesun19]

The pie eyed view on here that the SM can do no wrong and the BM is evil is laughable. Bit like the golden uterus theory.

The golden uterus theory is used to describe a woman who thinks she’s the boss of her children’s stepmum when she’s not.

[funinthesun19]

We should teach our children to be grateful, I agree, but I’m not sure they should be grateful for second best or second hand if bought as a deliberate sleight rather than out of necessity, thriftiness or ecological awareness.

But only because this is a step child, there is the suggestion that it could be a sleight. If it was a child in a together family or if it was the stepmum and the dad’s child they have together, there would be no suggestion of this being a sleight. Children are bought second hand things all the time, and nobody bats an eyelid. As soon as a stepchild gets a second hand thing there is uproar. Why are you tripping over yourself to try and make out this child is being treated unfairly?

[Magda72]

In all fairness the child in question is only 10. I'm a dm, was a sm & my kids have a sm so I see all sides of these situations.
@Clilanne09 - my dd was your dd's age when her first half sibling was born & yes, she really, really struggled with her dad's attention being elsewhere. For my part I had to really sit with myself & ask myself where the line existed between her upset being reasonable and it teetering into potentially entitled behaviour?
I'm always saying here that boundaries & explaining boundaries to kids are really important & as I see it your daughter's sm is under no obligation to purchase your daughters clothes. Explain this to her - you (& her dad) supply the money to buy her clothes as you're her dm. Her sm is her sister's dm & so her sm buys her sister's clothes. My dd's sm will sometimes buy her a clothing treat (& yes it's often second hand/vintage) but I take my daughter shopping.
I also don't think the pizza as birthday treat is an issue but I can understand how a 10yr old coming down off the high of a party might feel deflated about it. But again, I think it's worth pointing out to her that she had a big party & this was the quiet celebration. Fwiw my ex & I always shared the financial cost of parties even if it was I who hosted them. This was always explained to my kids who then were very happy with a quiet celebration at dads as they knew he had done his bit so to speak.
All that being said I do think you need to query the breakfast club & lunches. Unless there's a food issue or rules about sweet stuff in your dd's school then yes they should get the same lunch & if your dd is being given less on a regular basis then you need to talk to your ex about it. I'm surprised at biscuits being given though as I know in most schools (in Ireland) that's not allowed.
Also the breakfast club drop off. Your dd seems to have been confused as it obviously wasn't explained properly to her, but there's no harm in being dropped off at school early (& probably no need for the breakfast club) & she should be able to cope with this if it's explained to her.
Personally I think it would be no harm to talk to your ex & tell him your dd is feeling wobbly about stuff in general & could he be a bit more clear in his dealings with her & reassure her that he loves her etc.
Her grievances are valid for a 10 year old - but if they're not handled properly she runs the risk of heading into teenage hood with a victim mentality & we've seen plenty of examples on here as to where that leads & the trouble it causes to everyone.

[Sotiredofthislife]

Why are you tripping over yourself to try and make out this child is being treated unfairly?

Why are you tripping over yourself to believe that the step child couldn’t possibly be being treated unfairly?

[funinthesun19]

Good question. I do believe children do get treated unfairly at times. But I think you’re being ridiculous if you think this child is being treated unfairly because she received a watch from eBay. If that’s me tripping over myself then I’m happy to do so.

[Sotiredofthislife]

I haven’t said the child is being treated unfairly specifically because she received a gift from ebay. I have said that if that is part of a wider pattern - which this may or may not be - then yes, it is unfair. You seem quite determined for me to be wrong. My answers are coloured by my experiences and my children’s experience which is pretty poor, at best. What you don’t seem to accept is that there are step parents (supported by parents) out there who behave appallingly towards their (step) children. This may or may not be one of those situations.

[bobsyourauntie]

OP, I totally see where you are coming from as similar has happened to my DD who is treated differently from her half sibling. It is hard when they pick up on the differences, but nothing you can do about it. I tell DD that if her sibling's mother wants to spend her own money on her own child, then that is her choice. (her father keeps telling her that he has no money).

DD's father gave his ipad to the 4yo sibling, which really hurt 11yo DD who would have loved it, and they are both equally HIS children.

Your child received a gift that she can't wear on a daily basis, which has hurt her because she would have loved something that she could actually use.

If Xh has to drop her off at school early then he should be making the arrangement with the school breakfast club and paying for it. He doesn't see it as his problem, in the way that my XH would ring me if he was running late, rather than the school!

[funinthesun19]

DD's father gave his ipad to the 4yo sibling, which really hurt 11yo DD who would have loved it, and they are both equally HIS children.

I think he could have given it to both of them and they could have shared it.

[funinthesun19]

What you don’t seem to accept is that there are step parents (supported by parents) out there who behave appallingly towards their (step) children. This may or may not be one of those situations.

Without knowing the wider picture we’ll never know. You’re saying the stepmum in this situation is in the wrong and I’m saying she’s not based on the information we have been given.