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Original poster

Buying things for DC and DSC

29 replies

NightOwl101 · 12/08/2019 08:55

Hi I have a DD and DP has his own DC and we have none together.

I'm just wondering how other families do it if they buy something for their DC do they buy something for DC at the same time because one is getting something so they all should?

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GreenTulips · 12/08/2019 08:58

I have 3 children

I buy them what they need when they need it.

They have pocket money to stop the ‘I want’

Because of one had a book the other two started to expect it, even though they really wanted pens or something ... it them spirals into 3 of everything. Pocket money helps.

Original poster
NightOwl101 · 12/08/2019 09:29

The pocket money idea is one I've suggested but DP isn't to keen on.

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Original poster
NightOwl101 · 12/08/2019 09:48

Bump

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HiHoS · 12/08/2019 10:15

I have 2 dc any partner has 1. I used to do this but have stopped now as it was getting silly. My 2 get pocket money and buy what they like. End of.

tisonlymeagain · 12/08/2019 10:16

Depends what you mean - if it's clothing, essential school stuff etc, we do it separately. If I am at the shops and I am buying one of them some sweets or a small toy etc I'll get something for all of them, as would DP.

GreenTulips · 12/08/2019 10:23

But surely you would only buy them sweets of they were actually there at the time. Not save them for the weekend

tisonlymeagain · 12/08/2019 10:57

All our children are here at the same time.

pikapikachu · 12/08/2019 11:09

No of course not. Sometimes child 1 needs something, sometimes child 2 needs something. This is for blended and nuclear families.

If child 1 needs a lot of stuff or you need to traipse round awhile then it's better if child 2 doesn't have to be dragged around too but I'm assuming that the children don't particularly enjoy shopping.

brightfutureahead · 12/08/2019 11:50

It all depends on the context really.

If one of my children comes shopping with me, I’ll usually buy them a packet of sweets or something to munch on.

When it comes to clothes/shoes other things they need, I buy them on a need basis only. I don’t buy the other children something for the sake of it if they don’t need it.

When it comes to treats such as toys and extra things they enjoy like magazines, I’ll usually treat them all at the same time. However, if a child in the family (bio or step) gets pocket money (eg an older child getting £40 spending money per month.), I would expect that child to use their own money for stuff like that. That’s what it is given to them for.

fleshmarketclose · 12/08/2019 11:54

My children are older now but I've never subscribed to the buy one buy all rule but I did make sure that they all were treated as fairly as possible.

Indicative · 12/08/2019 12:03

Do they all live with you full time? Do their other parents buy them items too? All variables that make a difference.

Kaddm · 12/08/2019 12:06

Depends on want/need

1 dc needs shoes so they get them. Other dc carries on with existing shoes if they fit.

1 gets an ice cream, so does other.

What exact item has caused the dilemma?

bluebluezoo · 12/08/2019 12:08

I'm just wondering how other families do it if they buy something for their DC do they buy something for DC at the same time because one is getting something so they all should?

Do both dc live with you?

How do you factor in the other parents as well?

What if they both want expensive trainers and the child’s other parent buys them? Or the other parent takes them on holiday? Or is rich and can afford many treats and gifts?

Original poster
NightOwl101 · 12/08/2019 16:13

My DC lives with me full time and has no contact with EXP so only has me to provide for her.

DP has his DC 70/30 and has their own things at each house.

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Original poster
NightOwl101 · 13/08/2019 09:20

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pikapikachu · 14/08/2019 10:15

Depends what sort of stuff you mean?

If both come shopping with me, both get an ice cream.

If dc needs new underwear then dsc doesn't get new underwear. (I'm assuming sc doesn't need new underwear)

If dc gets a McDonalds and dsc is not here then I don't owe dsc a McDonalds.

Teddybear45 · 14/08/2019 10:19

It depends on what the parent of the child in question wants in terms of fairness. Seems from your post that both have your own kids and seperate finances - so it’s not right to dictate what’s right for the other provided the parent who wants the extra for their kid(s) is willing to foot the bill.

WitchyMcpooface · 14/08/2019 14:30

I don’t buy anything for my SD now. I used too but it was never right, or not a label etc. BM would always complain about something. So H pays maintenance and BM can sort the important things for her while sort out our child from my own finances. She’s complained about it again but she drove me to that decision. She can’t argue because now it’s fairer. But if we are out and we having ice creams etc then of course I will buy her one but I don’t get involved in presents anymore or uniform because I could never get it right.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2019 13:52

If you have separate finances and split the bills so you pay extra as your child is resident then you should each buy your own children as you see fit.

If you share finances or he pays half the bills and is subsidising your child then if you buy you should buy for all. Unfair to expect your DD to benefit from DP but not for his to benefit from you.

FranCess003 · 16/08/2019 21:35

I tend to buy my SD Clothes , don’t think my husbands ever bought her an item of clothing Grin these are on a need basis - or if I see something she’ll really like I will get it. We have her EOW so she doesn’t need mounds of clothes at ours

I also buy my DS clothes. He is only 8 months so needs these a lot more regularly. And obviously with us full time so in more quantities too.

However if I buy my SD a top , I wouldn’t buy my son an item of clothing just because.

In regards to sweets , she gets sweets he doesn’t.
But I guess this is different because there’s such an age difference . My son is still a baby.

But I have brought my son a new toy , and then not my SD anything and she’s never mentioned anything, nor has my husband ... if anything she’s happy to play with it with him and show him how it’s used.

And on other occasions, I’ll buy my SD a new set of pens or something personal to her , because I saw them and thought of her !

It’s difficult without knowing more on what the issue is you’re having . What items are causing problems within your family ? Clothes toys ?

Atleastihavethecat · 16/08/2019 23:49

Depends on what kind of shopping I'm doing. I'll buy stuff that they need when I'm shopping, but I'll also pick up stuff just because I think they'll like it.

I do most of the clothes shopping for both sets of children. I like shopping but dp finds it stressful.

In the just because category, I don't necessarily buy for all 4 on same day.

Dp does most of the food shopping. He buys different snacks for each child based on their preferences so each child has their own favourite basically to themselves.

Original poster
NightOwl101 · 17/08/2019 08:26

I'm very much talking about the just because category. As my DC lives with me full time she does have more clothing but for example my DC is starting to change clothes size so when I'm in the shop I pick a t-shirt up to go in the wardrobe (this isn't a regular occurrence), my DP would expect me to buy an item of clothingfor his DC just because I have my own.

For the record whenever he has gone out and brought for his DC say shoes for example he hasn't brought for mine which is fine. I buy my DC clothing with my own money but as were a "family" I should want to spend my own money on his DC as he tells me. It also isn't a problem if I see something one of his DC might like and pick that up, just when I buy for my DC and not his it seems to be an issue.

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Youseethethingis · 17/08/2019 08:58

In that case, OP, your DP is absolute Zoomer. You buy for your DC and he buys for his DC and yet it is still “unfair”? Why should you cut the money available to provide for your DC in order to provide unnecessary items for a child who 1) doesn’t live with you and won’t have the use for that amount of stuff and 2) already has two parents providing for them?
Anything you do buy for them is lovely but you are in no way obliged, unless the obligation cuts both ways and applies to DP too.

FranCess003 · 17/08/2019 10:08

You’re partner is being really unreasonable , and I can’t help think it’s probably due to his own insecurities and parent guilt toward his own children if he doesn’t see an issue the other way round.

I would just highlight to him the times you buy things for his children and not your own - and highlight it’s fair in that way.
What you’re doing is completely normal and how everyone else on this thread does things.

His ways would be very expensive and for the most part unnecessary - why buy a child an item of clothing they don’t need or want? Just because another child has grown and needs a new T-shirt.

Sounds like he has massive dad guilt and doesn’t want his kids feeling left out in anyway ! I don’t know what you can do to fix that, it’s his own issue ! But you most certainly do not have to compensate.
Carry on doing what you’re doing ! And maybe make a song and dance to him when you buy his children something 🙄😂

RandomMess · 17/08/2019 10:39

I would buy the book "siblings without rivalry" and you both read it together.

Fairness is about buying what they need, he is being unreasonable and ridiculous and it means your DC always has less than his - how is that fair??

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