Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

@Kewlwife

*So solutions are:
A) mum who has no issue with it has to do all the work of implementing the technique through the working week while Dad stays with partner all week and implements it on the weekends.
B) Dad takes baby and SD on weekends in SDs room since they are both his kids and he learns to do this in a way so all kids get some sleep.
C) Dad implements sleep training technique himself meaning the SC screams all night on weekends and eventually associates his house with fear and rejection. OP gets help with night feeds on weekends.
D) Dad helps with night feeds all week like a lot of working dads so it isn't so bad on weekends for OP.

At what point will the 3 (or at least 2) people sit down, maybe with a professional, and decide what is best for the child going forward and work together to achieve it? Bearing in mind that these are the 3 people who know her best?*

Yes those are the options. I would consider either B or D a reasonable solution, as those are the ones where the responsibility falls where it should, with the dad.

I agree that yes, the three of them sitting down to come up with a solution that can be implemented in both households to help the daughter would be the ideal solution, but the fact remains that continuing as the mother is doing is not possible in the fathers household unless he finds a way to juggle both children, so unless the outcome of this talk is that the mother decides to stop cosleeping, which she is fully entitled not to do, then the father has no choice but to do differently to her in his house if he is to properly care for both of his children.

Yeah. This is a thing with kids though. Sometimes they have these things and there is no easy solutions. Honestly,my brother had sleep anxiety up until adulthood. It's only now he has a partner who he sleeps with every night that he doesn't have to have the light on.

I really suggest that he offers to physically help mum with implementing something consistent. It's not reasonable for her to do it every day on her own. But you have to sit down and she has to believe that you 2 are willing to accept that Super Nanny type techniques might not be the way to go about it. Well that's what I'd need for me to take your input into genuine consideration.

If the agreed solution is something other than a quick start Super Nanny technique, then B is the logical interim solution in my mind.

Mum might agree to work towards stopping co-sleeping by doing X in the meantime but it might not be something that happens within the next year even.

@AE18
That's what we're trying to do. Implement different rules at our house from her mams house, as co-sleeping isn't really an option here.
We did stop contact briefly for the best interest of the child as she was so scared of staying overnight. We told her she wasn't being forced and the choice was hers, if she didn't want to sleep we would drop her back off to sleep with mum and pick her back up the next morning.
This didn't work because she WANTS to sleep and she WANTS to be a good sleeper, but she can't. She wants to spend more time at our house as that's where she has a brother and step sister to play with and she likes coming because she does more activities with us (swimming dancing going to the park etc) she is also here 3-4 days through the week once OH wakes from night shift. It's only the staying over that is limited to 1/2 nights a week because of OH's work commitments.
No her mum doesn't have to change anything, but when her daughter is asking for the change so she can have a better experience at her dads, I think she should be at least considering it.
We've tried sitting down and talking. And it doesn't work because she isn't prepared to work with us. The relationship with her was fine until she found out we were having a baby and has got progressively worse.

@Kewlwife we offered 50/50 we even offered for her to stay full time while we tried to get her into a better sleeping routine. But unfortunately it's all about money and she's aware that we wouldn't pay as much maintenance if she was here more often so she's not prepared to allow us

Are you sure it's "all about money"? Because I wouldn't bite your arm off if you offered to take full-time custody of my small child either

especially given that you seem to be the sort of person who thinks a father should stop meeting his daughter's emotional needs now that you've given birth to the Messiah

@SS18

I've said several times that I wouldn't be prepared to 50/50 unless I could be sure that the 2 of you are prepared to accept that just leaving her to cry and similar techniques might not be healthy for her.

Did she tell you that maintenance is influencing her decision or are you speculating?

@Greensleeves

*The childishness of posters bleating about "just because he's got another child doesn't mean I should have to do more with OUR child" is unbelievable.

Two children. Two adults. Fucking deal with it!

It's no better than a spoilt child saying "just because I've already got a bag of jelly babies doesn't mean I shouldn't get half of his bag, they were already mine so they don't count".*

That analogy makes no sense. It's more like two people are working on a group project while one has an essay to write, and the person writing the essay assumes the person that doesn't have an essay to write should do the whole group project for them because they chose to take on more subjects.

I don't have to "fucking deal with" anything thank you because my partner was well aware before we had our daughter that if we were to have children, his son is still solely his responsibility and I would not be raising my daughter without his help just because he couldn't balance the responsibilities. He would have to find the time.

It's not "bleating" it's just the facts. People are also always "bleating" about how OP or step mums in general can't dictate anything that happens with the step child or act like their parent, so if they are not to have any input then the child is not their responsibility 🤷‍♀️

Speculation. She will say it isn't. But she was quick to tell them about the weeks she didn't stay at all so the payments went up.

@SSF8

Shouldn't she tell them, then?

my partner was well aware before we had our daughter that if we were to have children, his son is still solely his responsibility

Then you're not a family. And you don't want to be. Which is shit for both children.

I actually think its unfair on a child not helping them to learn how to sleep on their own.
Yanbu Op

Regarding the co-sleeping could your dp ask his dd’s GP/HV for advice? If you are told in a letter that your dsd needs to stop co-sleeping because it is affecting her ability to sleep then perhaps her mum will listen.

If your dp truly thinks that this co-sleeping is damaging his dd he could ask for 50/50 via solicitor or even a block of time with her (a month??) so that she can be sleep trained at yours. Especially if mum is adverse.

I know someone who co-sleep with her nearly 7yo son who is making noises about not wanting to anymore, she insists he falls asleep in bed with her and then she carries him to his room. She does it because she loves bedtime cuddles and really sounds unhealthy to me. But some will say a 100 years ago we all shared 10 to bed and everyone grew up unscarred. So let the experts decide and not us on here.

There seems to be one hell of a lot of pressure on one 5 year old child, all of the 'fault' seems to be in her court, poor kid. She even views herself as not 'good' because she can't quite live up to the expectations of all the adults in her life.

@Greensleeves

Then you're not a family. And you don't want to be. Which is shit for both children.

Please, you have never seen the dynamic. My step son loves me, he gravitates towards me, plays with me, I cook for him etc etc. He cuddles up to me and calls me his "wonderful step mummy", in fact we're hard pushed to stop him from calling me mummy out of respect for his mum, because he has asked to several times. We have a very loving relationship, and he adores his little sister and keeps a picture of her at home to look at.

However, when it comes to the hard, nitty gritty stuff of parenting, he is ultimately my partner's responsibility because he is his child. The hard, nitty gritty stuff with my daughter is also our burden to share equally, because she is both of ours. So if I got up with our shared child last night and am exhausted and need a sleep, then he will be doing it tonight whether his son is here or not, just as he would during the week his son isn't there, because his son being there doesn't suddenly make it my job to do all the hard work with our shared child.

It's not complicated.

@Kewlwife

But you have to sit down and she has to believe that you 2 are willing to accept that Super Nanny type techniques might not be the way to go about it. Well that's what I'd need for me to take your input into genuine consideration.* *

This is so bloody arrogant.

It's arrogant to want them to accept that their way might not be the best way before they start any potentially harmful techniques? I'd be arrogant then.

So it's fine if say, Dad gives your baby who only has breast milk some formula on his shift. Even if there is expressed BM? Say something on that level of parenting choices... do you just respect that formula is perfectly adequate for infants and deem it his call to make

Yep. Wouldnt have a problem with that at all.

@AE18

So what would happen if both kids were poor sleepers for a period of time?

In my house, we would look after both together regardless of who was part of their conception.

In my house, we would look after both together regardless of who was part of their conception

As would anybody who was mature enough to have a child in the first place.

@Kewlwife

It's arrogant to want them to accept that their way might not be the best way before they start any potentially harmful techniques? I'd be arrogant then.

No, it's arrogant to tell OP with absolute certainty that she should bow down to the mums way of thinking just because you agree with it, and only then will the dads views on parenting be worthy of your respect. He is her parent, he should be respected either way.

You're not considering if your way is the best way either.

Yeah see there are some things that while not generally wrong, it isn't something I want for my child unless it is absolutely necessary. Formula is one of those things. I'd hazard a guess that my co-parents are less fussed about it and wouldn't have batted an eyelid if I didn't BF or mixed fed but they would never dream of doing something like that.

I gave my oldest a dummy but my current partner hates them so I didn't. I think they are great. I told him that I did that with my first when I was "touched out" and they wanted to feed constantly so he'd have to step up if our baby was "sucky" like my first and be prepared to do extra comforting and stuff like that. But I didn't go against his wishes.

I have said several times that they should get together and make an agreement. But they do need to consider that mum has to function and do whatever intervention alone so what might be feasible for them for 1 or 2 days might not be feasible for mum 5 days a week.

If they are willing to have the child more and help that way, then they need to accept that their plans to Super Nanny the child might not be in her best interests and as a mother, that likely concerns her and puts her off accepting help that way.

@Kewlwife

*So what would happen if both kids were poor sleepers for a period of time?

In my house, we would look after both together regardless of who was part of their conception.*

In our house, my step son would be given a brief cuddle and/or chat, we'd ask if he needed a glass of water and then encourage him to go back to bed, and we would check on him in ten minutes.

This is what we have always done and what has always worked.

My partner would be the one to do it unless he happened to be busy with baby at the time, in which case I would do it for a smooth resolution.

But my partner wouldn't only do the job that was easier, he would still do his usual share with the baby.

Ah formula bashing. It was only a matter of time i suppose.