Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

I actually think its unfair on a child not helping them to learn how to sleep on their own.

I agree. It’s like learning to dress and feed themselves. They will only become independent at these skills if you give them the opportunities and the encouragement they need. It’s no different with sleeping in their own room.

My 4 year old only learned to stay in his own bed after weeks of getting up during the night to get in bed with me, when I eventually started taking him back to bed. It was the only way, plus bigging up him having his own big boy bed and how cozy he will be with his teddies to cuddle etc.. If I just let him stay in bed every night with me he’d probably still be doing it now.
And I also have a baby, so I’m glad I mopped all of that in the bud before baby came!

*nipped

You mean like in Option B, where Dad takes baby and SD in her room? Because she isn't just waking for a cuddle. She's waking because she's very anxious.

You mean like in Option B, where Dad takes baby and SD in her room? Because she isn't just waking for a cuddle. She's waking because she's very anxious

It's formula bashing to say that I don't want to give my babies formula unless they absolutely need it?

Its clearly just another way of asserting yourself as a perfect mother which is all youve done today.

@Kewlwife

You mean like in Option B, where Dad takes baby and SD in her room? Because she isn't just waking for a cuddle. She's waking because she's very anxious

Yes, although he would by his own choice be firmer than to sleep in there all night, because that is his right as a parent.

My SS doesn't wake for a cuddle either, he's only ever woke because he is scared or has had a nightmare, it doesn't stop him from being back to sleep in 10 minutes because he has been adequately taught that everything is fine.

I'm certainly not a perfect mother. I gave an example of something that isn't wrong, but is a preference. I could have easily said smacking as an example but I think we're at a point where we recognise that's objectively wrong instead of a subjective opinion.

@AE18

You don't have the right to harm your child. Even if their sleeping habits are inconvenient to you. So just instilling a sleep regime on her wouldn't be appropriate or even logical without the mum's support. Or the support of whoever has the child most often.

And before you say it, there is no evidence that co-sleeping is harmful.

Clearly co sleeping can be harmful as evidenced by this thread!

What has been harmful about it? There is no evidence that she wouldn't have developed these issues around sleep if she hadn't co-slept.

We have actually already spoken to the health visitor about it. But she wasn't really very helpful. She just said that if she can't sleep she shouldnt be sleeping at all and that she should only be coming during the day.
So not really the advice we were hoping for her to give us!

Lets face it there is a much smaller chance she'd be this way if shed been in a decent routine and in her own bed from day 1.

Ok it could still have happened, but it would have been much less likely.

@Kewlwife

Cosleeping or not IS an example of something that isn't wrong but is a choice. She chooses to, he chooses not to. I choose not to. Many people choose not to. You are equating not cosleeping with harm, which is heavily subjective.

Yes I agree it would be easiest to implement a stable routine if the mum was on board, god knows we've had enough troubles with my step sons mum having different ideas on parenting to us. But her choosing not to do it doesn't mean they have to bow down to her method, because he is a parent in his own right and can make his own decisions about anything that is not abusive, just as she can.

Not cosleeping is not abusive.

I have evidence it's harmful.
I have a 5yo SD who doesn't understand why we stay up at watch tv while she is in bed, because at home her mam goes to bed at 7 with her.
I have a 5yo SD who can't self soothe when she wakes in the night because she needs that comfort of an arm round her.
She won't go to the toilet alone.
She won't sit in her room and play with her toys because there is "no adult" she still cries when her dad leaves the room. (Day and night)
She will never be able to sleep at her grandmas house or her aunties house. She already gets upset when her SS goes to a sleepover that she's too scared to go to.
I would also like to point out that this was the case 3 years ago when her parents were still together. My OH was forced to sleep elsewhere soon after the birth so she could cuddle the baby all day and night. Is it any wonder the relationship broke down?

Meanwhile my DD went out last Friday to sleep at a friends and didn't return until Monday because she wanted to stay longer. She stays at her grandmas, her aunties. She's very independent, but also loving and caring.

SD will never get to experience any of these things if she continues like she is

No I'm objecting to them thinking the only way to stop this is by a Super Nanny type technique. This isn't a case if a child who is okay either way but mum wants dad to sleep with her. She screams in fear if somebody isn't with her. You don't get to just choose whatever is easier for you and your partner when it is those circumstances. Just like if I didn't make sure my baby had enough expressed milk for the time I was away, I can't blame his dad for giving the baby formula.

And no you can't prove that is from co-sleeping. And it's also from mollycoddling. But it's very likely it has had an effect

So what the child has is generalised separation anxiety which also manifests at night. It is her generalised anxiety that makes it hard for her to sleep alone. Not the other way around.

Improving her general anxiety will probably put her in a better place to tackle the sleep issues. She needs a therapist. I'd definitely not start with the sleep thing. I'd start with her day to day functioning

Instead of starting with "stay in your room, all night, alone". Start with, "go the loo alone with the door open. We're just outside."

kewl are you a doctor?

How can you possibly know for certain that what youre saying is correct?

She certainly sounds like a very anxious and unhappy little girl. I doubt the co-sleeping is the source of her problems.

But again this is coming from her mam, she takes her to the toilet, she takes her with her when she goes, she still carries her around everywhere and doesn't leave her side day or night. So we still won't get anywhere.
We've had a few occasions where she's just stood and wet herself on the landing because no one would take her to the toilet and said she had to go alone. We've been trying to tackle that for a year too. We've had behaviour charts, the opportunity to win treats if she does things alone, or if she manages to sit and watch tv for 15 mins while her dad showers, and within seconds she's sat crying outside the bathroom door because there is "no adult"

@Kewlwife

No I'm objecting to them thinking the only way to stop this is by a Super Nanny type technique.
This isn't a case if a child who is okay either way but mum wants dad to sleep with her. She screams in fear if somebody isn't with her.

No, they just know that they have another baby who also has needs so continuing to give her 100% of their attention day and night is not feasible, and a solution needs to be found. Continuing to never leave her alone because she will scream and cry is not a solution because you cannot do that when you have a baby, nor would it be fair to your bond with the baby to do so.

You don't get to just choose whatever is easier for you and your partner when it is those circumstances. Just like if I didn't make sure my baby had enough expressed milk for the time I was away, I can't blame his dad for giving the baby formula.

Exactly. If you didn't give the dad the equipment to feed the baby in a way that is possible in his household (as he cannot breastfeed himself), then he would have no choice but to feed them formula.

Likewise, if you don't equip your child with the skills to cope without physical contact 100% of the time, and the dad is unable to maintain this in his household (because he has another child), then he would have to find a solution that included not touching her 100% of the time. He doesn't have breasts, nor does he have the ability to touch his daughter all day and night because he also has another child to care for.

she takes her to the toilet, she takes her with her when she goes, she still carries her around everywhere and doesn't leave her side day or night.

But the mum is a teacher and the child goes to school?