Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

I was going to call you silly @SSF8 until I read your most recent post. Now I know you are a complete loon.
I'm just going to tell you that the word is affect, not effect and that it is proven to be quite the opposite of your peculiar opinion and that children who co-sleep develop a much stronger attachment than those who are made to sleep alone.

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland

*no attention' in the night? How ridiculous. It's 2 nights of the week at most.

OPs older daughter is much older and lives with them full time. It's not exactly a like for like comparison you're making here.*

The dad has checked himself out of helping during the week due to working, so these are the only nights he is available to help with his baby.

I strongly disagree that a parent can absolve themselves of responsibility for their resident child just because their non resident child is there. Or any child for another, it makes no difference if they live there. He is a father with two children and needs to help with both.

@AE18

We don't know that it was the dad's decision not to help. The OP presented it as if it was obvious he shouldn't help in the week because he works. I know a lot of women start out with that philosophy.

@Kewlwife

Does it matter whose decision it was? The point is he's not helping and he should be.

Well, yes, you could say that a man of outstanding character would ignore his partner's assurances that he should sleep on work nights, but few of us have outstanding character. I just think it's slightly different if it's something she thought was feasible and it became a status quo, so to speak. It is for a lot of people.

Kick her out and help her get some independence for later life.

You cant let a kid call the shots I'm afraid.

@AE18

True. Best discussed here.

The reason I suggested going to support the ex is because whatever intervention or technique proposed to solve the problem (and it's likely to be a controlled crying type thing), it is going to require the mum to handle, alone, possibly on top of other things like work/study/health issues/whatever. I don't think it is reasonable to say that she must tackle this alone 5/7 days because the OP has the issue with it. I think it might be reasonable to suggest that change needs to be introduced and physically support her with doing it.

Kewlwife I don’t think the dad staying for a month is going to solve anything though. Because once he no longer stays over it might be back to square one. The op and her dh need to have a united front and stand firm in their own household and say to the child it’s different at their house. Sleep in your own room. The dad pussy footing around at mum’s isn’t going to serve any purpose IMO.

That's dismissing that a) the child is likely genuinely terrified and b) dealing with that terror via "tough love" might not be the best way. It could even be harmful.

I agree with @brightfutureahead.

@Kewlwife

If the mum doesn't want to change anything, then she doesn't have to and none of the burden would fall to her. If she does want it to change but doesn't think she can handle it on her own, then splitting contact 50/50 so they are both doing their equal share would be a fair solution.

What isn't a fair solution is to go back on his decision to move out of his ex's home three months after his baby has been born, and expect to remain in a relationship with the mother of that baby while she does all the work so he can help out in the household he chose to leave. He has commitments to his partner and baby, and cannot set them aside to help his ex when they have separated and have therefore removed their ties and obligations to one another.

She needs to take care of things in her house, and he needs to take care of things in his, including balancing things with his two children so if that means putting a stop to cosleeping with an older child because he has a baby that more imperatively (as in to not starve) needs to wake and feed in the night, then that is what he has to do.

I doubt anyone would suggest the ex should stay in his home for a month to cosleep with her daughter because he is unable to balance doing so with other aspects in his life - people would say that it is his problem during his contact hours, because they are two separate households. The same goes in reverse. If she wants a break from caring for her daughter then more evenly shared care is the only appropriate solution in a blended family where he has other members of the family that should not have to go without him for a month so he can help his ex.

If I was mum and I felt stuck where it wasn't feasible to do anything but I wanted change, I wouldn't reach out to OP and ex because I wouldn't trust that they will consider that tough love/controlled crying is the best way to handle this. So 50/50 would be a No Go unless we could genuinely agree on how we are to handle it.

I don't think any of you are really acknowledging that she is genuinely scared. I think you're focusing on the fact that there is nothing to fear and that is in line with Tough Love/CC. I think exposure can often lead to a withdrawal from emotion and that can sometimes resemble a reduction in anxiety. In fact they are so scared,they shut down.

@Kewlwife

That's dismissing that a) the child is likely genuinely terrified and b) dealing with that terror via "tough love" might not be the best way. It could even be harmful.

Definitely not any more harmful than not taking care of a baby in the night, though, as babies that age need to feed during these hours to thrive. Currently, that is what he is doing, and the only reason people are excusing it is that they are going by the logic that his partner should have to do 100% of the work with their shared child. If she wasn't there, what would he do?

He is taking advantage of the fact that she is physically there to do all the work, rather than doing his duty by both children and finding a way to help both during the night, whether that is teaching his older daughter to sleep through the night because she physically CAN and the baby can't, or by using a baby monitor to ensure he wakes with the baby when he is in his daughters room.

When you are in a relationship and have a child together, you should be sharing that load. He is the baby's father, he cannot do nothing.

You're acting as if a) there isn't another adult to feed the baby (mum) and b) the dad can't both help with baby and his child. I thought having the baby in his daughter's room with him and her was a good call.

She physically can't. You're dismissing the child's genuine sleep related anxiety. Anxiety is very real.

kewl ah yes having a tiny baby in a childs room who already struggles to sleep sounds like a really good idea!!!!

@Kewlwife

If I was mum and I felt stuck where it wasn't feasible to do anything but I wanted change, I wouldn't reach out to OP and ex because I wouldn't trust that they will consider that tough love/controlled crying is the best way to handle this. So 50/50 would be a No Go unless we could genuinely agree on how we are to handle it.

And he as a dad clearly already feels that he cannot trust the mum to use the methods he considers most beneficial in favour of gentle or attachment parenting. They are both just opinions on what is best and neither is inherently right, when you are separated you have to accept that the other parent can do as they see fit in their contact days. You have to respect that as coparents. Again, she doesn't have to reach out to him OR change anything, but this is the help that is reasonably available to her from him if she chooses to seek it out.

I don't think any of you are really acknowledging that she is genuinely scared. I think you're focusing on the fact that there is nothing to fear and that is in line with Tough Love/CC. I think exposure can often lead to a withdrawal from emotion and that can sometimes resemble a reduction in anxiety. In fact they are so scared,they shut down.

I acknowledge that she is scared. I think it is incredibly sad that she herself wants to change but has struggled, and her mother is holding her back in that regard. This is why I think it is highly unwise to encourage cosleeping in a scenario where parents are separated and one or both of them is unable to practically continue that arrangement due to other commitments (such as younger children). It is the mothers choice to do so, obviously, but it has what has led to there being a problem that could have been tackled by not cosleeping from the start.

However I don't think her being scared or struggling makes it fair for her dad to focus all of his energy on her and not help his baby that has a more undeniable, physical need of his parents help during the night.

A child that has younger siblings will need to learn not to require their parents full attention during the night, inevitably, just as they will need to learn to require it all during the day. That is just reality.

@Kewlwife

You're acting as if a) there isn't another adult to feed the baby (mum) and b) the dad can't both help with baby and his child. I thought having the baby in his daughter's room with him and her was a good call.

I'm not acting like either of those things. I have said over and over again that he is taking advantage of the fact that there is another adult to feed the baby - because they made that baby together and it is not fair for him to expect her to do all the work. They are equally responsible for the night feeds.

I have also said over and over again that if he wants to cosleep with his daughter then he needs to have a baby monitor in there so he can wake with the baby, so no I am not saying he can't help with both. I'm saying he shouldn't only help with his daughter.

I think a baby monitor would be a much wiser idea than putting the baby in with the daughter, as this would undoubtedly unsettle her further, but however he does it, the point is it's unacceptable that he's doing nothing for his baby.

I don't understand all these posters saying he's taking advantage of his dp by expecting her to feed their baby while he's seeing to the other child; of course that's what should happen

Taking care of one child's needs each IS sharing the load! He's parenting the older child while she's feeding the baby - that's the best and most obvious way for it to work at the moment with the needs the children have and the adults who are available to meet them.

I agree with everything Kewl has said about the older child's anxiety and the dismissive attitudes towards it. "Tough love" is a euphemism for being a heartless asshole.

greensleeves

the baby is their joint child, both parents should help.

its not sharing when all he is doing is sleeping on a bedroom floor, and shes the one getting up god knows how many times a night to feed a baby

its not really comparable is it

There are thousands of parents juggling exactly the same issues with an older child with sleep problems and a baby who needs night feeds

The ONLY difference here is that the older child isn't hers. Which should make no difference to the way in which her needs are met.

well it obv does make a difference doesn't it!

if both kids were ops they could swap - one gets to sleep on the floor, one gets the baby and vice versa

they cant do that, because the eldest isn't ops and so doesn't want op, therefore leaving op with the baby every single night of the week (and lets remember, during the week her dp gets full nights of sleep)

this is a situation where who is a bio child and who isn't legitimately does make a difference.

Some biological children will only accept one parent or the other in some phases. Some children are breastfed so only one parent can do certain aspects of care. The point is, there are two parents and two children whose needs must be met. All families with multiple children have to deal with conflicting needs at one time or another. The little girl shouldn't be fobbed off with "tough love" (ie shit care) because she's not OP's.

Poor child, comes from a broken home, is obviously unsettled.
She has two parents who care for her very much and are obviously trying to make up for their inadequacies of holding a relationship together and you call it abuse.
Sort it out OP.

@Greensleeves

I don't understand all these posters saying he's taking advantage of his dp by expecting her to feed their baby while he's seeing to the other child; of course that's what should happen *

Taking care of one child's needs each IS sharing the load! He's parenting the older child while she's feeding the baby - that's the best and most obvious way for it to work at the moment with the needs the children have and the adults who are available to meet them.*

More of this 🙄 The children are not both hers so he is not equally sharing their load, she is fulfilling 100% of her responsibility plus 50% of his, and he is fulfilling 50% of his.

That is not equal, and he is relying on her to make up for him not balancing his two children fairly.

By choosing to have another child while he has another from a previous relationship, he should be agreeing to having to put in an extra level of effort due to his life choices to ensure he is parenting the child he is conceiving equally to his partner, unless he stipulated before they conceived that he would not be doing 50% of the work, and she agreed to it. It's not her responsibility to shoulder his burden.

And even if both children were biologically both of theirs, few would consider it equivalent for one parent to sleep through the night in a room with one child while the other wakes frequently with the other, every night. You would split the role that results in hardly any sleep equally.

If I were him and insisted on cosleeping with the older child every single weekend, then I wouldn't dream of doing so without offering to do some nights during the working week, because he has decided not to be available on the only nights he isn't working in this scenario.

sorry, who is saying she should be "fobbed off" because she isn't op's?

op wouldn't have started the thread if she didn't care about her now, would she? No.

Sometimes "tough love" does work, and whilst it does seem like some sort of anxiety, anxiety can be overcome by doing the thing you're scared of. I say that as someone who suffered really badly from anxiety in the past.

If they keep co sleeping with this little girl (to the detriment of everyone else) how will they ever solve it? short of referring her to a child therapist or similar (which could take months or even years) what do you suggest they do?

sleeping on the floor is not a solution - it is not helping anyone.