Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

I didn't say he should go there to co-sleep, I said he should go there to help implement whatever technique they decide TOGETHER as co-parents. And I reject the idea that you just have to let your co-parent do whatever they like when they have your kid. I don't think it's wise to have a million specific rules but I think there should be some things that are no nos. Some objective, others subjective. Either way, they should be respected.

And I reject the idea that you just have to let your co-parent do whatever they like when they have your kid. I don't think it's wise to have a million specific rules but I think there should be some things that are no nos. Some objective, others subjective. Either way, they should be respected

unfortunately that is the reality when you split up with someone. You cannot expect to control what they do.

Child sleeps fine if dad is in the room. Plus their 3 month old will be sleeping through any day now, surely....

So he could just get up with baby when they stir to feed.

the 3 month old might be sleeping through reliably now but you cannot guarantee that it will continue (for a lot of kids it doesn't!)

not only that but whichever one wakes up, is going to wake the other up. It is not a good idea. Why have 2 awake kids screaming when you could have only 1, or ideally none.

Well... you kind of can. Plus, it isn't always about control. People can have amicable enough relationships to respect each other's dos and don'ts. It doesn't have to be war and conflict and vengeance all the time between couples who split.

@Kewlwife

I didn't say he should go there to co-sleep, I said he should go there to help implement whatever technique they decide TOGETHER as co-parents.

Does it matter? I think I've made it clear enough my point is that he shouldn't be going there for any reason.

And I reject the idea that you just have to let your co-parent do whatever they like when they have your kid. I don't think it's wise to have a million specific rules but I think there should be some things that are no nos. Some objective, others subjective. Either way, they should be respected.

Then why isn't the girls mother subject to his rules that she should not cosleep? Are only the mothers rules to be respected?

When you separate you have to accept that you cannot dictate what the other does. If you have a list of methods agreed by both sides, great, but one side cannot issue rules to the other if they don't agree.

You're confused. Rage does that to a person. I'm saying the SC sleeps fine if dad is in the room. She isn't going to wake baby.

But since the OP is so great at sleep training, I'm sure her baby will be sleeping through very soon.

You can be sensitive enough to babies needs to wake up before they cry. Dad could work on that.

@AE18

Probably because he has her 2 days a week and doesn't have to function every working day after hearing her scream all night. Also because he probably dismisses her genuine fear. If you want an equal say, your input needs to be equal. Doesn't mean you need to have 50/50 custody but you need to be there to help do the things you think should be done, at least.

My friend's ex wanted a legal agreement saying she would ensure the kids did E/C activities at least 3 times a week. And 2 different ones. He saw them every 3 months or so!

@Kewlwife

You can be sensitive enough to babies needs to wake up before they cry. Dad could work on that.

Haha if only, my partner could sleep through a sledge hammer to the face. He still gets up 50% of the time whether my step son is staying or not, though, because our daughter is his baby too.

Does your step son also need someone with him in the night then?

Well... you kind of can. Plus, it isn't always about control. People can have amicable enough relationships to respect each other's dos and don'ts. It doesn't have to be war and conflict and vengeance all the time between couples who split

well you cant actually control someone unless you're abusive, are you abusive?

you can respect eachother's views without controlling one another. You don't have to agree on how to parent.

im not saying it has to be war or conflict, you seem to think I like the situation I am in. I can assure you I would rather have an amicable relationship.

You can be sensitive enough to babies needs to wake up before they cry. Dad could work on that

ah, of course. you are a baby whisperer as well as a fortune teller and professional crystal ball reader.

But since the OP is so great at sleep training, I'm sure her baby will be sleeping through very soon

Maybe the ex needs to go to the op for parenting advice then.

@Kewlwife

*Probably because he has her 2 days a week and doesn't have to function every working day after hearing her scream all night. Also because he probably dismisses her genuine fear. If you want an equal say, your input needs to be equal. Doesn't mean you need to have 50/50 custody but you need to be there to help do the things you think should be done, at least.

My friend's ex wanted a legal agreement saying she would ensure the kids did E/C activities at least 3 times a week. And 2 different ones. He saw them every 3 months or so!*

I really don't get what you're getting at here. I didn't say she has to do what he wants on her time, I said neither has to do what the other wants if they don't agree, because they are both equally her parent.

You are biased towards thinking the mothers opinion should be respected and the fathers shouldn't, either because you inherently think a mother or resident parents opinion is more valid, or simply because you happen to agree with her in this case.

If the father was the one insisting on cosleeping to avoid her feeling afraid, and the mother argued he must wean her off it because it is not good for her in the long run not to be able to sleep alone and she needs to be taught that there is nothing to fear, would you say her opinion was more valid than the fathers?

A mothers opinion that attachment parenting is the way forward is no more valid than a fathers opinion that you should encourage independence. Both of them are entitled to do things their way in their own time with the child if they can't agree on a method.

I totally agree that you can have different rules across different household. But as parents they should be co-parenting.
I'm pretty sure that if her mum was to have a baby she would spend her 9 months of pregnancy trying to get her child to sleep better in preparation for the baby arriving. She would also expect us to help, and if we refused to help, she would probably just stop overnight contact!
Co-parenting is about meeting the needs of the child, physically and emotionally. But her mum is not doing that.
She doesn't have to stop cosleeping with her daughter. But surely it is in the little girls best interest to encourage the same sleep situation across both homes?
I know if I was in this situation with my bio daughter and my ex, I would be willing to help him out if it meant reducing my daughters anxiety.

@AE18

so where are we...

OP has the biggest issue with co-sleeping SC. Dad 2nd. So both of them.

SD stays at theirs 2 days per week.

dad isn't allowed/doesn't want to go to the house to implement a sleep training technique at mums.

So solutions are:
A) mum who has no issue with it has to do all the work of implementing the technique through the working week while Dad stays with partner all week and implements it on the weekends.
B) Dad takes baby and SD on weekends in SDs room since they are both his kids and he learns to do this in a way so all kids get some sleep.
C) Dad implements sleep training technique himself meaning the SC screams all night on weekends and eventually associates his house with fear and rejection. OP gets help with night feeds on weekends.
D) Dad helps with night feeds all week like a lot of working dads so it isn't so bad on weekends for OP.

At what point will the 3 (or at least 2) people sit down, maybe with a professional, and decide what is best for the child going forward and work together to achieve it? Bearing in mind that these are the 3 people who know her best?

@AE18

I'd go with whoever parents that child most often. It could be a grandmother. It could be mum. It could be dad. It could be a foster carer. I'd tend to go with who has her the majority of the time and has to also live the rest of their lives while they parent her. That isn't the person who has her 2 days per week.

@Kewlwife

Does your step son also need someone with him in the night then?

No he doesn't, because both parents recognised that cosleeping would not be a practical solution for him and did not encourage it from a young age.

But if he did, and assuming he was not happy for me to come and sleep in with him when my partner was busy feeding the baby (he would be in our case), then my partner would tend to both of their needs if it was his night to care for the baby. He would have a sleepless night if he needed to, because his son is his responsibility and it doesn't take away from his responsibility to our daughter, or automatically mean I should do his work towards our daughter for him.

He also works nights by the way. So it's not that he's not helping during the week. He's not physically here.

@Joan

So it's fine if say, Dad gives your baby who only has breast milk some formula on his shift. Even if there is expressed BM? Say something on that level of parenting choices... do you just respect that formula is perfectly adequate for infants and deem it his call to make?

The childishness of posters bleating about "just because he's got another child doesn't mean I should have to do more with OUR child" is unbelievable.

Two children. Two adults. Fucking deal with it!

It's no better than a spoilt child saying "just because I've already got a bag of jelly babies doesn't mean I shouldn't get half of his bag, they were already mine so they don't count".

But we know that co-sleeping has no association with sleep related anxiety from research so the fact that you didn't co-aleep likely had no influence over whether your son would be having sleep issues now.

Option B has Dad taking care of both kids on weekends.

I don't know about anyone else, but I always woke as soon as my baby shuffled or whatever. It took ages to stop doing that after they were no longer waking to actually feed.

I don't think it's unreasonable to wake baby to feed so they don't wake up and you can avoid the noise of them crying that way. But yeah, he's on night shift so heavy sleeping like he's childfree isn't an option. Simple as that.

Her anxiety comes from the fact no one is touching her while she sleeps (sorry for the use of the word it sounds awful) as soon as she can no longer feel someone on her, she wakes and screams. Her dad under no circumstances gets into her bed, but he holds her arm as she falls asleep and gradually he is trying to have less and less touching to the point he is just on the bedroom floor. If he stays on the bedroom floor all night, she sleeps all night. On occasions wakes to check he's still there, then straight back off to sleep. If he leaves the room (even just to go to the toilet) she knows immediately that he is gone and wakes and screams/cries. This is what we're trying to get around. Does he not also deserve a comfortable night sleep in a bed on his weekend off? I certainly would like to do 5 13 hour night shifts then sleep on a floor all weekend.