My DH's Girls

[pauline987]

Brand new so please be gentle 🙈

My husband has 2 daughters that we are supposed to see every 2nd weekend, and on an Adhoc basis for tea a couple of nights through the week. Nothing was ever set in stone for these weekday visits, he just used to text their mum and ask what night(s) they were free and he could have them that week. They never sleep over during the week, always dropped home to go to bed

They are 12yo and 8yo. Since the eldest got a mobile last year, the ex has completely stepped back from arranging contact and he now has to text his daughter. The contact times were becoming very hit and miss and they were constantly arranging to come, then texting that day saying nothing more than "don't pick us up, we're not coming now"

Same thing was happening with weekends. They kept cancelling for birthday parties, or being "ill" but then the eldest would be posting snap chat stories of them bouncing on trampolines, or at the park, or having sleepovers at friends houses, clearly not ill.

He misses them very much. He sat them down and tried to find out what was going on. They said there weren't upset about anything and couldn't name any issues we could fix, they just kept shrugging and saying they didn't want to come and their mum doesn't make them anymore, so they don't come

He thought the constant chopping and changing was the problem, so he went to a lawyer to try and put some sort of structure in place. He asked for every Monday for tea (dropped home) then every Thursday he would pick them up from mums on his way home from work, and we would have them till a Saturday afternoon. DH doesn't work on a Friday so could do school drop off/pick up. Then he also said they had the option to stay over on the Saturday too sometimes if they wanted to

This went down like a lead balloon with his ex. This started almost a year ago, and Long story short, we are currently in court (final hearing in September)

We havent seen the youngest daughter for over 6 weeks, and have seen the eldest very sporadically in that time. She came 2 weekends ago and it ended with her calling her mums boyfriend to come and pick her up after blowing up at DH, blaming him for the whole situation, saying he couldn't make them come and demanding to know why he had to try and change everything.

There is a person from the court coming out to talk to his eldest about what she wants and she was saying she was going to tell them that that his younger daughter hates him and they don't want to see him at all 😔

They are supposed to be here tonight and he got a text from eldest at 3pm saying "Incase you haven't worked it out. We're not coming" so they aren't here again.

He is at breaking point. He is so sad. He loves them so much, and just wants to see them and be a part of their lives. We literally cannot work out what has gone so wrong. We used to have a great relationship. We saw them regularly, we took them on holidays, we haven't changed anything. We were abroad with them for 2 weeks at Easter. All smiles, happy and chatty while we were there, I actually thought we had turned a corner. But then as soon as we came home they just disappeared again, went back to cancelling and hardly coming over. It was fine till last year when his ex stopped communicating with him and put his daughter in charge

He has tried to speak to his ex about taking back control of the arrangements, but she just says no, and that she can't make them come

Any mums out there on the other side of this who can shed some light on how to move forward?

I feel for you. I don't really know what the answer is. But from a step-child perspective if I visited my Dad's house I missed my Mum, I hated that he prioritised other children and a new wife without spending any time alone with me and my sibling- I'd get alone time with my Mum so why not my Dad. My Dad lied about her being the OW, I knew she was but I was the only one old enough to remember.

I hated that all the rules were different, the food was different, the level of stuff/mess was different. I just wanted my own bed, toys, stuff. I didn't want to have to pack a bag constantly.

I think if you are only 20 minutes away you could be making more of an effort as a family to get all the kids to school. What would you do if there wasn't another option- your children get to school in the mornings so his should too.

Is there any way his ex can come visit the kids at your house and be more part of your lives?

I feel for you. I don't really know what the answer is. But from a step-child perspective if I visited my Dad's house I missed my Mum, I hated that he prioritised other children and a new wife without spending any time alone with me and my sibling- I'd get alone time with my Mum so why not my Dad. My Dad lied about her being the OW, I knew she was but I was the only one old enough to remember.

I hated that all the rules were different, the food was different, the level of stuff/mess was different. I just wanted my own bed, toys, stuff. I didn't want to have to pack a bag constantly.

I think if you are only 20 minutes away you could be making more of an effort as a family to get all the kids to school. What would you do if there wasn't another option- your children get to school in the mornings so his should too.

Is there any way his ex can come visit the kids at your house and be more part of your lives?

I feel for you. I don't really know what the answer is. But from a step-child perspective if I visited my Dad's house I missed my Mum, I hated that he prioritised other children and a new wife without spending any time alone with me and my sibling- I'd get alone time with my Mum so why not my Dad. My Dad lied about her being the OW, I knew she was but I was the only one old enough to remember.

I hated that all the rules were different, the food was different, the level of stuff/mess was different. I just wanted my own bed, toys, stuff. I didn't want to have to pack a bag constantly.

I think if you are only 20 minutes away you could be making more of an effort as a family to get all the kids to school. What would you do if there wasn't another option- your children get to school in the mornings so his should too.

Is there any way his ex can come visit the kids at your house and be more part of your lives?

I feel for you. I don't really know what the answer is. But from a step-child perspective if I visited my Dad's house I missed my Mum, I hated that he prioritised other children and a new wife without spending any time alone with me and my sibling- I'd get alone time with my Mum so why not my Dad. My Dad lied about her being the OW, I knew she was but I was the only one old enough to remember.

I hated that all the rules were different, the food was different, the level of stuff/mess was different. I just wanted my own bed, toys, stuff. I didn't want to have to pack a bag constantly.

I think if you are only 20 minutes away you could be making more of an effort as a family to get all the kids to school. What would you do if there wasn't another option- your children get to school in the mornings so his should too.

Is there any way his ex can come visit the kids at your house and be more part of your lives?

@Zuzu5 thank you. I also do think there is some influencing going on. Especially with the youngest. I haven't voiced this to anyone as I don't want to be the wicked step mother, and I don't actually think it's being done intentionally, but their relationship with their mums (huge!) family is constantly prioritised.

They moved 20 mins away as that's where their mum is from and she wanted to move back there. Her whole family still live there. There are literally hundreds of brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, great aunties and uncles and they are all very close. they all babysit each other's kids and have sleepovers etc. The kids are all mates as they live in a village are at school together. the grandparents and great Aunties practically run a holiday club every Summer. Theyre retired so all the kids get dropped off somewhere and and are looked after while the parents work. I think it's amazing, but a lot of the time when the girls cancel coming over, we see on Snapchat or eldest Instagram that they arent staying home, but are actually with their mums family

I don't know if it's just more fun there and they don't like missing out, or if they are being influenced not to come to ours and go there instead 😔

They also start a lot of sentences with "abc said we should do this" or "abc said we shouldn't do that" (abc being names of aunties or cousins on their mums side)

I just don't know what to do. The person from the court is combing tomoro to talk to his eldest and he got a letter on Friday saying that they are now also going to be speaking to his youngest, They have said if they can determine that she is showing enough maturity and her thoughts and feelings are her own and not being imposed, then her wishes may also be listened to. She is only 8!

@Zuzu5 thank you. I also do think there is some influencing going on. Especially with the youngest. I haven't voiced this to anyone as I don't want to be the wicked step mother, and I don't actually think it's being done intentionally, but their relationship with their mums (huge!) family is constantly prioritised.

They moved 20 mins away as that's where their mum is from and she wanted to move back there. Her whole family still live there. There are literally hundreds of brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, great aunties and uncles and they are all very close. they all babysit each other's kids and have sleepovers etc. The kids are all mates as they live in a village are at school together. the grandparents and great Aunties practically run a holiday club every Summer. Theyre retired so all the kids get dropped off somewhere and and are looked after while the parents work. I think it's amazing, but a lot of the time when the girls cancel coming over, we see on Snapchat or eldest Instagram that they arent staying home, but are actually with their mums family

I don't know if it's just more fun there and they don't like missing out, or if they are being influenced not to come to ours and go there instead 😔

They also start a lot of sentences with "abc said we should do this" or "abc said we shouldn't do that" (abc being names of aunties or cousins on their mums side)

I just don't know what to do. The person from the court is combing tomoro to talk to his eldest and he got a letter on Friday saying that they are now also going to be speaking to his youngest, They have said if they can determine that she is showing enough maturity and her thoughts and feelings are her own and not being imposed, then her wishes may also be listened to. She is only 8!

@QueenofallIsee I'm sorry you are also going through this 😢 it's heartbreaking

What age are your step kids?

What was on your SDs list of rules? We haven't even gotten that far with mine. When we spoke to them about it they couldn't give us any reason why they kept cancelling, just that they didn't want to come

@ItsABubbleParty thanks!

I could take them to school, but it would mean having to get them up very early (which they hate) to be able to drop them off and get back to get my own kids to school and get me to work on time.

I thought it would be quite unfair to get them up that early when they have a full day of school ahead of them. We have done it a few times but it was stopped when on the last occasion DH had a text from their mum complaining about how tired the youngest was, she apparently missed school because she was crying and had to put back to bed when they were dropped off

I need to get them up around 6am to be able to leave time for my kids to get washed and dressed, my daughter fed (son eats at breakfast club). It can be over an hour round trip to drop them off with the traffic in the morning. I need to have DD at her bus stop for 7.45 or she misses the bus and I need to get DS to breakfast club for 8am to allow me to get to work and be ready to start for 8.30am

When they are at mums, they live less than a 2 minute walk from school. so they get up at 8.15. Quickly get washed and dressed then either eat some toast as they walk to school with their mates, or get a pop tart for breakfast at the shop next to school on the way.

Interesting what you have said about rules. We are slightly stricter. Their mum is very very laid back with them. Anything goes really. She dies their hair and lets them watch 18 rated movies and play 18 rated games. We don't have things like that in the house, and they know we don't like videos etc with swearing in them. The eldest went through a phase of listening to these awful rap songs on you tube about rape amongst other things 😳. She was told it wasn't allowed in this house (she was also only 10 at the time!)

They both have accounts on Roblox and Minecraft, my kids have these too, but I check them. Theirs are completely unmonitored and when DH asked for the passwords he was told it was none of his business. Their iPads "belong" to their mums house and were always brought here with them, then taken home again. After he asked for the passwords, the iPads weren't seen again here for months. He spoke to his ex about it and she admitted that she didn't even know people could message them on these accounts and said she wouldn't know where to start monitoring it, and that she wasn't intending to start because the girls "aren't stupid"

The eldest has accounts on every social media platform going. She has Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, tiktok, and her own YouTube channel (although she hasn't posted any videos yet). But we figured she is 12 now, so we are fighting a losing battle there. We haven't mentioned it. Again, these are all completely unmonitored. She won't give DH the password to her phone and her mum sent him messages calling him a pervert, creep etc when his daughter had obviously told her mum that DH had asked to check her phone. He was then told the next time that mum had said he wasn't to be given the password (she opens it with face recognition so he can't even watch what she's putting in to see what it is)

The youngest (8 years old) also has unlimited access to social media. She has Tiktok, Instagram and Snapchat which I don't agree with but it's not my call so I haven't said anything about it. Some of the videos she watches on Tiktok and YouTube I don't think are age appropriate at all, but when DH asked his ex about it he was told to lighten up.

Having their mum come here is unfortunately not possible. Things are not good at all between her and DH. They cannot be in the same room without all he'll breaking loose (fault on both sides there. They are both as bad as each other) it was a very bitter split

They are 14, 12 and 6. We are not yet sure what is on the list as the summit is yet to be arranged. Their father is seriously thinking about not having the meeting and proceeding straight to mediation - I am in two minds and try not to comment too much as all mixed up in his feelings is concern for me too, I am plenty broad shouldered enough to take it all but he feels guilty that I am being dragged into it. Silly as I would give him and his children the world if I could but being just rational is impossible in a situation like this.

I hope you get along better than we are OP, I think for us these next few weeks are absolutely crucial and it could go either way.

Can they go to mediation then? Having parents like that is destructive for a child - neither of them are doing their best for that child.

@ItsABubbleParty they tried mediation before it went to court. It didn't work. He thinks his ex is too laidback. She thinks he needs to lighten up

The things he raised are about safety, not spoiling anyone's fun (as his ex accused him of)

@QueenofallIsee good luck ❤️❤️ always here if you need to talk

Is there any way his ex can come visit the kids at your house and be more part of your lives?

Sounds like eldest doesn't want to come as she has free reign at home to do what she likes and your house is not like that (not that it should be!)