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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

WIBU?

40 replies

ladybee28 · 18/06/2019 09:13

Going on holiday for a week soon with DP and DSS(13).

For context, DP has had a really bad back for a while. Last year on holiday there was a lot of low-level drama around sleeping arrangements - DSS didn't want to sleep on the trundle-bed, so DP ended up sleeping on it with DSS in the double with me. Or at his aunt's house, he found the couch uncomfortable, so I ended up on the couch while DP and DSS were in the double together.

This year, we're staying in an apartment that has a double room and a sofa-bed in the living room.

When I booked it, I pointed out to DP that the sofa-bed was right next to the front door, and said that if DSS felt nervous about being right next to the door, the sofa-bed looked light enough for us to move a bit further away. DP's response was immediately "It might end up being me sleeping on it anyway, what with my back".

I then put my foot down a bit and said that it's reaching the point where it's getting a bit inappropriate for me to be sharing a bed with a 13 year old boy who's not my own.

Wet dreams may well be around the corner, and that aside, on our last holiday I really missed being able to have some quiet private time with my partner, even if it was just a quiet snuggle and a chat in bed, after being around DSS 24/7 otherwise.

WIBU to say this? DP immediately said "OK, we won't do that, then", but I still left the conversation feeling a bit guilty...

OP posts:

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lunar1 · 18/06/2019 09:30

He's 13, your partner needs to start to paying enough that everyone has a proper bed on holiday. You are absolutely right not to want to share with a (biologically) unrelated teenager. I don't think I'd be sharing with my own boys then.

Imagine the response if you were making him sleep with a 13 year old DD!

Magda72 · 18/06/2019 09:52

What @lunar1 says. Honestly your dp is being ridiculous to expect you to do that!!! I'm a pretty easygoing dm but if my exh has let either of my sons share a bed with their sm at any age over 8/9 I'd be furious.

He's putting both you AND his son in a very awkward position.

Tactfulish · 18/06/2019 10:09

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

HerondaleDucks · 18/06/2019 12:06

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. I think it's very reasonable for you to not share a bed with your dss.
I think that is unfair on both of you.
I think your dp should be moving the sofa bed to a more appropriate area of the room and that the dss should sleep there.
If not he should pay for a bigger room!

Teddybear45 · 18/06/2019 12:10

Why are you guys being so tight when it comes to beds? DSS is a grown boy and needs his own bed; he shouldn’t be expected to sleep on a sofa bed if you know he finds it uncomfortable.

Original poster

ladybee28 · 18/06/2019 14:04

@Teddybear45 it's not about being 'tight', FFS - it's a sofa-bed, not a pile of splintered planks. They're designed to be slept on.

And it's not about DSS finding it uncomfortable, it's DP predicting his own bad back... actually you know what – YOU re-read the post. I can't be fuggered to type it all out again.

The vast majority of apartments that are available in the city we're going to, on our dates and within our price range, have a main bedroom and a couch that pulls out into a double bed; it's hardly slumming it. Those that have an extra bedroom are actually not as nicely designed or maintained, so there's no guarantee that a 'proper bed' in one of those places would be any more comfortable than a sofa bed in a well-kept, stylish place.

At least this way he has some privacy – otherwise it would be the 3 of us in one hotel room, which IMO is far less comfortable for him than having a pull-out double to himself in a separate room of an apartment.

It's also not up to DP to pay more for any kind of accommodation - we function as a family and split costs equally.

Just want to make it clear we haven't left for the holiday yet - we literally just booked our accommodation, and DP isn't 'forcing' anything - he thought the sofa-bed would probably be better for his back, but when I raised my concern he immediately said there was no issue and he wouldn't take the sofa-bed himself.

I was noticing MY OWN internal worry that I was being unreasonable and questioning that – DP's fine about it.

Thanks to those of you confirming I'm not being silly - it's helped to hear your responses.

OP posts:

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit · 18/06/2019 14:25

As a child I was forced to be the one who slept on the sofa bed (wasn’t a proper sofa bed either, just a couple of big cushions on plank...) or in one apparentment a bloody camping cot! I was 14-16 during these... my step brothers were provided rooms with proper beds. My step dad was a tool though. When I said I wouldn’t be going on holiday again with them he promptly booked a hotel with separate rooms for his sons and one for him and my mother.
Anyway... definitely think it’s not appropriate for you to share the bed with 13 year old DSS. Also, despite my experiences... as long as it’s a comfortable sofa bed and he’s allowed some privacy (step dad would get up at 6am throw open the curtains and make shit loads of noise...) then it shouldn’t be a problem. If DH has listened and said it’s fine then both have a chat to DSS about the sleeping arrangements and just explain the back issues and things with it being inappropriate to him.

FinallyHere · 18/06/2019 15:38

We are all obviously all different: I would much rather not go on holiday than share a double bed with a thirteen year old DSS and have no private time at all with DH

Snappedandfarted2019 · 18/06/2019 19:43

Theres plenty of hotels available with two rooms you're just not prepared to book a proper bed.

Original poster

ladybee28 · 18/06/2019 21:00

@Snappedandfarted2019 are you reading 'torture device' when I say sofa bed?

Can someone please get the point that THE KID HAS NO ISSUE WITH THE SOFA BED?

It's not about it being a sofa bed! He's fine with it!

The only people getting knickers in a twist about a human being spending 2 nights on a sofa bed are some posters here...

The issue was about my DP thinking it might be firmer and therefore better for his bad back!

Jesus WEPT...

OP posts:

Confusedteacher · 19/06/2019 10:33

Surely it’s a double sofa bed? Can’t you and DP both sleep on it and give DSS the bed?

Firefliess · 19/06/2019 19:49

Some very odd responses on this thread. DSS is 13. He is old enough to sleep on a sofabed without being afraid of being near the door and he is too old to be sharing a bed with a parent. The OP is a married woman who is entitled to want to share a bed with her DH whilst on holiday!

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 19/06/2019 19:54

Surely it’s a double sofa bed? Can’t you and DP both sleep on it and give DSS the bed?

Why? He's a kid. Grown ups get the bed. Madness.

Kungfupanda67 · 19/06/2019 19:55

Mumsnet is weird 😂

How old is a person when they become too old to sleep on a sofa bed? I ask because my mum stays with me quite regularly and sleeps on the actual - shock horror - sofa!

Gazelda · 19/06/2019 20:11

I'm admit that my first thought was that in this sort of room set up, DC would be having the bedroom while DH and I had the sofa bed. Apart from anything else, this allows the 'grown ups' to enjoy the living space after the DC had gone to bed, rather than being confined to the bedroom once DC had retired for the night.

Maybe83 · 19/06/2019 21:55

Children would have bedroom and us sofa bed.

That way we can send them to bed and still have use of the apartment and if any one needs to share a bed dh can with his ds.

Ilovetolurk · 19/06/2019 22:00

are you reading 'torture device' when I say sofa bed

Excellent OP

My DS13 sleeps on the sofabed on hold despite being the biggest in the family by nearly a foot. I’m practically Rose West

TixieLix · 19/06/2019 22:14

Seeing as your DSS has rejected a trundle bed and sofa in the past I wouldn't be at all surprised if he turned down the sofa-bed. I agree with Maybe83, better to put DSS in the bedroom and have the sofa-bed yourselves otherwise you all have to go to bed at the same time.

Original poster

ladybee28 · 20/06/2019 10:05

OK, got it about the sofa-bed. Sofa-bed, sofa-bed.

@ConfusedTeacher, @Gazelda, @Maybe83, etc., thank you – that could well be what we end up doing, depending on how DP's back is at the time. He may also end up just sleeping on the floor, as he has the past couple of nights, as the hard surface seems to help.

It's just not quite the question I was asking - I was asking about whether it was unfair of me to reject the idea of sharing a bed with a 13 year old boy.

Not on the basis of DSS turning down the sofa-bed, not on the basis of who deserves a 'proper' bed and who should have to endure the horrors of a sofa-bed... I was just asking if I'm being too sensitive to the idea of sharing a bed with a just-turned-teenager, since DP's immediate assumption was that that would be fine.

Perhaps I should have been clearer about my specific question in my OP.

Thank you to those of you who addressed my concern – I really appreciate the confirmation that it's not an appropriate idea.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 20/06/2019 10:58

No you aren't unreasonable.

Kungfupanda67 · 20/06/2019 13:25

Definitely not unreasonable, I would be uncomfortable sharing a bed with a step child over the age of about 8. It’s weird for both of you.

SavingSpaces2019 · 20/06/2019 15:52

DSS didn't want to sleep on the trundle-bed, so DP ended up sleeping on it with DSS in the double with me. Or at his aunt's house, he found the couch uncomfortable, so I ended up on the couch while DP and DSS were in the double together

I think this is more about your DP not wanting his son to 'slum it'.
He's using his 'bad back' as an excuse.
Stop being scrooges and book a time/place to go where your Dss has his own 'proper bed' instead of dancing this farce.

Look at how quickly he changed his tune when you finally stood your ground!

SavingSpaces2019 · 20/06/2019 15:54

he can always take/buy a suitable mattress topper if he thinks the bed would be too 'soft'.
Or sleep on the floor next to the bed.

Gazelda · 20/06/2019 16:26

I think that it's completely reasonable of you to refuse to share a bed with the boy. It would be uncomfortable and inappropriate.

Ragwort · 20/06/2019 16:38

Totally inappropriate for you to share the bed with your DSS. I would have felt very uncomfortable sharing a bed with my biological DS after the age of 8/9 - and he would also have felt uncomfortable about it.

Does sound as though your DH is pandering to his DS, last year we shared a room with our 17 year old DS & he had to sleep on a child’s trundle bed, he didn’t moan about it, was pleased to have a nice summer holiday abroad.

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