WIBU?

[ladybee28]

Going on holiday for a week soon with DP and DSS(13).

For context, DP has had a really bad back for a while. Last year on holiday there was a lot of low-level drama around sleeping arrangements - DSS didn't want to sleep on the trundle-bed, so DP ended up sleeping on it with DSS in the double with me. Or at his aunt's house, he found the couch uncomfortable, so I ended up on the couch while DP and DSS were in the double together.

This year, we're staying in an apartment that has a double room and a sofa-bed in the living room.

When I booked it, I pointed out to DP that the sofa-bed was right next to the front door, and said that if DSS felt nervous about being right next to the door, the sofa-bed looked light enough for us to move a bit further away. DP's response was immediately "It might end up being me sleeping on it anyway, what with my back".

I then put my foot down a bit and said that it's reaching the point where it's getting a bit inappropriate for me to be sharing a bed with a 13 year old boy who's not my own.

Wet dreams may well be around the corner, and that aside, on our last holiday I really missed being able to have some quiet private time with my partner, even if it was just a quiet snuggle and a chat in bed, after being around DSS 24/7 otherwise.

WIBU to say this? DP immediately said "OK, we won't do that, then", but I still left the conversation feeling a bit guilty...

DSs and his DD share the sofa-bed and you get the bed.
I wouldn't be sharing with DSs either.
Hopefully dad tries out the bed and it's fine but if not dad and son share.

YANBU in refusing to share a bed with your step son. It would be entirely inappropriate to do so at his age. On the unasked question of the sofa bed I also think YANBU. It seems that many apartments for 3 adults ...and in some resorts 13 is classed as an adult ....or 2 adults and 2 children, are set up like this using the living space as the other sleeping area. I would think it would be hugely expensive to get an apartment with 2 bedrooms. These are often advertised as to sleep 6 and I expect you would have to pay a hefty supplement to get one for only 3 people.

@SavingSpaces2019 Let's play a game. It's called 'Fuck Off.'

You go first.

My partner's been in agony with his back over the past 6 months and it potentially puts his passion and our livelihood at risk, so I'll let you guess where you can shove your your shitty, unnecessary inverted commas.

As for being scrooges, how about you send over a bit of your extra cash for our poor neglected 13 year old, since you're obviously rolling in it. We may end up on a much reduced budget soon if my DP's 'bad back' turns out to be chronic, so any donations are welcome.

And while you're at it, Google the term 'camping'. In fact, let me save you the effort. If the idea of a fit and healthy young teen sleeping on a sofa bed is so shockingly unacceptable, you should SEE what other kids are up to, sleeping outside on the ground! For FUN!

You want to see a farce danced, re-read your own comment once that bad case of Nasty has worn off, or better yet, try saying snarky things like that to someone's face about their much-loved family that you know nothing about.

I'm not here to gripe and complain about the man I love and his son, and I won't stand for you lumping them in with the imaginary narratives of Mumsnet stereotypes.

@shiningstar, @Ragwort, @bluemerchant, @Gazelda, @Kungfupanda67, @Maybe83 etc., thank you. Thank you for reading the posts, for answering my question, and for doing so with some generosity and common sense.

@Ragwort, DP definitely was pandering to his DS last year – it was our first holiday away together and we've had some frank and understanding talks since then where he's eased up a lot on the Disneying. There will always be an element of that there in their relationship, but the door is firmly open for discussion on all of it these days, which I think was a big part of why the penny dropped for him so quickly on this point.

Op - MN is so fucking weird !! I hearyou and your concerns.. you ANBU !!!

Let's play a game. It's called 'Fuck Off.' You go first

You''re a lot older than me in years so i'll let you go first
I don't feel sorry for you at all anymore.
No common sense the pair of you!

It’s funny because on MN you always get threads about kids sharing bedrooms (which is clearly child abuse according to many) and there is always multiple posters telling people that they should get a sofa bed in the lounge for themselves so that their children can have their own bedrooms. Apparently sofa beds are fine for parents to sleep on every day, but for a teenager on holiday... well how dare you think that’s acceptable!

It does make me laugh how child centred some people are (full disclosure, my children share a bedroom, we planned our third child knowing full well that we only had 3 bedrooms, and now the boys share. When we stay at my mums my husband and I have the double bed and my children sleep on the floor because they are children... they also sweep chimneys )

You step son needs his own room and space.

It's fine, I'd not be that comfortable sharing with my teenage son, to be honest. While I still miss cuddling the little treasure he's too big (and old enough to wake up with an erection).

Peoples responses are quite weird; it’s completely normal to book a one bed apartment and have children on sofa beds. They literally advertise themselves as for 3/4 people including the sofa bed.
It would be significantly more expensive to have a 2 bed place as that’d be considered for 6 people; it’s not tight it’s just sensible and for some people is the difference between going on holiday or not.
An extra bed in a hotel room would often be a sofa bed or a trundle bed.
I would refuse to share my DSD on holiday as I want to cuddle with my DH and I don’t really see why an adult should give up their bed so I definitely think you’re being fair enough.

You are correct, sharing with 13 dss is not acceptable

Yanbu at all.
And you arent scrooges.
Mumsnetters reactions can be so weird.

Can I just ask where your DH sleeps most nights ?

@smallereveryday for the last couple of weeks he's actually been sleeping on a sun-lounger mattress on the floor - he says that and his new physio are FINALLY helping.

Before then for a couple of months he had been switching between our bed and DSS's bed on nights that DSS was at his mum's, as it's firmer than ours. We've noticed that when we share a bed the sag of our mattress with both our weights on it makes his back worse. We'll get a new mattress at some point, we're just hanging on to hear more from the physio about what's best before we splurge on something that might not be the best option.

I travel for work quite a lot and so when I'm away he's in our bed.

So... 'most' nights is a bit tricky to say these days, since he's been hopping all over the house, trying to find a surface that works, for a while!

I miss him in our bed with me, but right now it's just whatever helps with the pain.

ladybee28 I think that, based on your DH 's current 'bed hopping' in order to find a suitable surface - and the almost certainty that sharing a bed will not work at the moment .. then I think you have to make a contingency for the holiday.
There is no reason, having had to give up sharing with you because of the pain that comes from sharing a mattress with another adult - why it would change when you are on holiday. So start from the premise that him in with you WILL NOT happen.

Then you are left logically with only a couple of options. Because I'm pretty sure Dss is just as mortified about you having to share with him as he is with you.

1. How heavy is Dss. Is he already 'man sized' or still a child ? If the latter then he could feasibly share with DH and not cause the same dip on the mattress. With you on the sofa bed.
2. You take a camp-bed / blowup bed with you .and you and Dss alternate to use it /the bed.
3. You book another room with twin beds. You get the double and Dad and Dss share a twin. OR if you would like some privacy with DH (which I know is a bizarre concept on MN when he has a child under the age of 35 ! .. but heyho, you are on holiday.) give Dss the double and you have the twin.

I have 13 yr old DS - he gets the bedroom and we use the sofa bed...
that way he gets privacy and we get to have adult time/tv etc
if we have an apartment.....