AIBU not wanting to watch his kids?

[Molhouse1]

OH and i have been together for 3 years and have 1 child together. He has 2 children from previous relationship aged 7 and 10. OH recently picked up a job where he is asked to work a few hours sometimes (2-3 hours). Since his kids are on summer vacation, he wants to have them over for almost a week and is asking me to watch them while he goes to work. My answer was absolutely not. I don't want any drama with BM if anything happens to the kids if he is not here. She is an unreasonable human being that has made our life hell and i purposely do not try to parent or say anything to her kids so that they do not have anything negative to say about me and take back to her. For the record, OH only sees them once a month if that, she allows him to see the kids only when she feels like it.
AIBU for not wanting to watch his kids? He seems a little hurt but I am just doing it to protect myself from drama.

So we agree. OP describe her OH having the kids for less than a week when he might need to go to work for 2-3 hours. He otherwise won't be able to see his kids who he only gets to see 4 times a year. That to me falls under supporting one's partner, not being treated like a baby sitter and taken for granted.

I don't agree at all, bullshit to support, it's a word used to manipulate her into doing it. She doesn't want to do it, she doesn't owe anyone to do it. She has zero obligation. End.

No one day she had an obligation. Do 5oubonky do things you are obliged to do? Never a nice gesture, things you don't really want to do but do to make someone happy who then in return do things they might not be keen on but do because they love you?

From your posts I guess the answer is no. Your choice, I find I am much happier in an environment of give and take.

Again, another poster resorting to insulting me as a means to "win" the conversation. I do things I wish to do, be that to help others or not, neither I nor OP need mothers such as yourself insisting we baby sit their children so they can pretend to be carefree for the weekend and implying (or outright saying!) we're either heartless or selfish for not doing so.

You've thrown an awful lot of insults yourself to be complaining about other people, Fighting.
Does your husband constantly dump his responsibility onto you? Because that would be unfair and something you should take up with him instead of deflecting blame onto your step DC - I'm not sure the mother of your step children owes you gratitude if you've chosen to help out your own husband by covering his childcare responsibility on his access weekend.

I think you can only see your own situation - a lot of people would think it's fine to mind their dh's children for a few hours because that's what partners do. I think most of us would agree that if he was demanding constant childcare from his wife because he CBA to mind his own DC then that would be very wrong.

Why are you with a man who has kids unless you are certain that you will be together forever?

Who knows tomorrow? You can't say you'll be together forever....being with a man who has kids, doesn't mean you must be in their life forever.
They're not married, so haven't given a 'till death do us part' commitment.

The kids don't sound well behaved.

They're very injury prone and their mum is problematic.

It's really up to the father to get a sibling bond between his DC...but the question is how much of a bond does he have with them himself.

Let's be very clear, no one has an obligation to care for children apart from. Those children's parents. If grandparents, aunts, uncles and others want to help occasionally that's fabulous and wonderful but there is no obligation.
Op said she doesn't want to and has given a reasonable reason as to why. End of discussion. If he is that unhappy with the decision then up to him but it isn't ops responsibility. It would be the same if she expected him to ahve her children with no prior agreement.
If my mom or sister said I don't wnat to look after my son for whatever reason then it is absolutely fine and understood.

neither I nor OP need mothers such as yourself insisting we baby sit their children so they can pretend to be carefree for the weekend and implying (or outright saying!) we're either heartless or selfish for not doing so

So that's what is all about, you consider looking after your SC not as a favour to your OH, but a favour to the ex who you consider responsible for the children if your OH can't be?

Does it work the other way around? If the ex has to work one day, it is absolutely fine for her to drop the kids with your OH even if you were planning to go away that week-end and her partner is at home with nothing to do because the default should be the dad if mum can't do it?

And I'm not looking to 'win' anything, if so, I would have long stopped coming here, I very rarely 'win' a discussion!!

Obviously no one has a legal obligation to mind someone else's children. But in good relationships sometimes you do each other favours because it makes life easier and nicer. I'd be upset if I asked my DH to help me and he took a 'not my circus' approach. I'd wonder what the point of a relationship is
I do stand by the view that if you get properly involved with someone who has DC then you can't behave like they are nothing to do with you, certainly not once you are the mother of their sibling. Of course it should be their shared parent who does more but in either marrying or having a baby with someone, you become a family and you can't just behave as if your DSC are not linked to you at all.

Why not? Having a child doesn't give the your partner free licesence to take the piss. Agree being helpful if nuce but you do not have to.
I will have my 3 dsc but when im asked in advance and agree to it or if I won't to. But I am not free childcare, I have my own full time job and child to look after. When childcare is assumed without asking first the answer is a flat no, evry single time.
It's common cutursy to ask before planning and agreeing childcare. Has ops partner already agreed the week and assumed care or asked first? Asking first is OK but assuming she will when she has legitimate concerns very very much not okay.

@iwannaseehowitends For the record, I've not directly insulted anyone, I've made numerous sweeping statements about mothers that appear to have hit a few nerves, you may want to reflect on why that is, but get your facts right when you resort to insulting me because you are running out of anything productive to say.

My partner having a child had nothing to do with me at conception, I'm not sure why anyone would think it does now. Anything I do is a choice, end. You can throw around how its oh so lovely to be helpful, I really dont care. If I want to do it, I will, if I dont, I wont. My partner having kids is not my problem, he and the mother made the choice to procreate, they then made the choice not to bother making their relationship work, that is not on me. I am with OH in spite of him having children, not because of it. I am not a cruel, heartless SM, I just wont be told by a group of typically entitled mothers that I owe your children something. I don't. Nor does OP. If she says no, she says no. No one, not OH nor the mother, has a right to question that.

I do think there's a big difference between an occasional favour and being treated like free childcare. The latter is obviously not okay. But if you want a relationship to work out, doing the former is not that big an ask imo.
Fighting, if a step mother (or father) is doing childcare during their spouses contact time then they are doing it to help out their spouse - it's not a favour to the child's other parent. A mother has every right to do as she pleases when her DC are due to be with their dad. It's his responsibility to sort childcare if he's ill or has to work. Now in a lot of families, the mum will keep the kids if dad can't do his access time - a lot of mum's would prefer this to leaving their dc with a step parent (especially a resentful one who has no bond with the DC).
But if the father takes them and is repeatedly dumping them on the step mum, that's an issue for their relationship and nothing to do with the mum.
Fighting you sound like you think your dh is taking the piss but you have deflected all the anger onto the mum when it should maybe be with your dh.

My OH wouldn't dream of taking the piss out of me, we have respect for each other, something that often seems to be missing in these first marriages that leads to these ongoing problems when they inevitably break up. I have experienced, read and seen enough of it to empower other step mothers to take the same stance. The suffering I have come across is rife, like step mothers who do more of the care than the mother, but cant ask a simply question about bed wetting without being told to keep her nose out of it, shes a disgrace, how dare she be SO involved with the child, SHES NOT THE MOTHER, ad f*cking nauseum. Or a woman who's stepchild obviously had emotional difficulties having two families and asked the stepmother to call her mum so that he could feel that he was part of a nuclear family in that house, only for the woman to be told its all her fault and shes a disgrace to mankind (I would not actually like my SC's to call me mum, but it comes down to personal choice, I am also not a mother to their sibling, yet). Lets face it, the crux of the issue is the mothers own insecurities about her own parenting, my mother displayed the exact same behavior towards my SM and it was solely because my SM did more for me than my mother did. My mother happily passed me to my father every weekend so she could "live her life", but equally refused to share Christmas and Birthdays because "Shes MY daughter". I have 30 years of experience in the field, continuing to this day with my own step children.

I honestly would stop trying to psycho analyse me, it'll get you nowhere. I am very self assured and happy in my life. I am not happy at how step mothers are treated like the lowest form of humanity and I am not happy to see articles popping up online seeing other women being abused by the likes of mothers on this forum simply because they met someone who had a child. Its the only reason I'm here and why I'll hang around trying to talk some reason to women that are being attacked by the rest of you.

Just because your mother wasn't great, it doesn't follow that all mother's are the same as yours. Ditto step mothers. You seem incapable of understanding that there are other circumstances and perspectives.
Anyway, there is little to be achieved from going over this with you so I'm drawing a line under it now and going back to other threads.

Sorry if already asked but why isn't your DP doing more so that he can have set times/days with his children rather than just settling for whenever the mother allows it?

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds I've clearly demonstrated other cases where the mothers are exactly the same, I know they arent all but a lot of the ones discussed on here are, otherwise there would be no discussion. If the father were deadbeat, the SM wouldnt be here looking for HELP for her SC. A good 80% of the issues on SM boards here are because of difficult mothers. I suspect you refuse to acknowledge that because you are one of them. Have a lovely day kisses

He should be taking time off to watch them not you !! It's their dad they come to spend time with and he's in work ! No point in him having them ! I think u said the right things 100% not I wouldn't watch his kids not jus Cz of the mother but Cz u ain a babysitter for their parents they have parents, they can find childcare. Sounds harsh nothing against kids but u r right. Don't start it now as it will always be this way xx