AIBU not wanting to watch his kids?

[Molhouse1]

OH and i have been together for 3 years and have 1 child together. He has 2 children from previous relationship aged 7 and 10. OH recently picked up a job where he is asked to work a few hours sometimes (2-3 hours). Since his kids are on summer vacation, he wants to have them over for almost a week and is asking me to watch them while he goes to work. My answer was absolutely not. I don't want any drama with BM if anything happens to the kids if he is not here. She is an unreasonable human being that has made our life hell and i purposely do not try to parent or say anything to her kids so that they do not have anything negative to say about me and take back to her. For the record, OH only sees them once a month if that, she allows him to see the kids only when she feels like it.
AIBU for not wanting to watch his kids? He seems a little hurt but I am just doing it to protect myself from drama.

I personally feel if you get with someone who has children then your kind of supposed to step up and help. For the sake of 2-3 hours at that age can't be much work, just tell them to watch a film? I mean if you really don't want to watch them Is there any of his family who would like to spend time with them.

You don't interact with them? That's quite odd, I am not judging because you have said this is due to his ex, you must have been to hell and back. However, this doesn't seem a long term solution to a loving family environment. I think you and DH really need to sit down and come up with a plan. After three years together you really should feel comfortable looking after his children at times.

Those poor kids don't see their Father very much at all so it's not as though they impact on your life very much at all.

If you look after them for 2-3 hours and they do report back to their dm, what's the worst that can happen anyway? Presumably you and her are not in any contact so you don't need to engage.

Your partner needs to sort out proper court ordered contact with his kids. Once a month and week in the summer isn't enough.

The term BM is inappropriate - she's their mother with whom they normally reside. (Wondering if you are from US, given other linguistic variations from British English).

Terminology aside, yes 8'm nit surprised he's hurt. But it is much better that you tell him loud and clear that you are utterly uninterested in having a relationship with his DC. Don't blame his XW for this, for no matter how difficult she can be, the relationship between father and DC is way more important l. He needs to know you'd rather cut them off than make it work

First of all he needs to get a contact order, it's not up to her to decide if and when he sees them. I would absolutely look after them, and if anything negative gets back (unsure what?) I wouldn't worry about it as getting it sorted formally is the best thing us can do anyway.

For those of you wondering what can possibly go wrong in a few hours, here Are some examples of past behaviors:
Last year OH had his sister watch the lugs while he worked. They were outside playing and oldest kid fell off a skateboard, busted his head open and needed stitches.
Another time, both kids were rough housing and got carried away and the oldest one gave the younger kid a bloody nose.
Another time they were fighting near an open door and youngest kid slammed a sliding door onto oldest kids hand.
For all these incidents I was either not there or OH was there when it happened, so I was never involved in these incidents, they are just examples of past behavior from the kids that would lead to drama with BM if they happened under my watch.

Your OH and his children come as a 'package' and you need to step up to at least being responsible for them some of the time.
People have accidents, you are the responsible adult so take appropriate action.

Your dc is their sibling. They are your family. Not just your bf's dc! He is working to support you all. Looking after all the dc is your contribution op.
Their dm can be ignored you know.... What happens on your home is naff all to do with her. It's their home also remember - they aren't guests.

Your attitude is unkind and doesn’t suggest a partnership. Poor children made to feel so unwelcome in their father’s home.

Fell off a skateboard, rough housing, so normal kid type behaviour? Do you plan on letting your DC have friends around, because that's the type of stuff they'll do. And if you would agree to having DCs friends over I can't believe you wouldn't let their siblings stay there with OH at work.

I don't blame you for a minute.

If he only sees his children once a month, he needs to step up.

No point in you having them if he's not there and they don't sound terribly well behaved with all that roughplay. Are they both boys?

Having said that, I wouldn't be happy if I was their mother and they sustained those injuries. I'd think they weren't being looked after properly...maybe that's why she's difficult.

Be prepared for many more posters to pile in on you for referring to her as birth/biological mum. I have no issue with terminology that is factually correct.

I am my DCs mum, birth mum and biological mum. FACT

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I don’t think you’re unreasonable. The kids are there to see their dad; if he’s at work then he can’t see them. Expecting you to be a default babysitter for extended periods of time isn’t really on.

2-3 hours is hardly an extended period of time is it? If you refuse to do it, he could find a friend or pay a local teenager but that would be really odd if you were in the house and just refusing to care for them. Refusing to interact with them is cruel and lazy, and how is that supposed to make them go home and not say bad things about you to their mum? They're going to say how horrible you're being by ignoring them, only caring for your own child and clearly demonstrating that you don't like them There are plenty ways you can interact with them including having them on your own for a few hours that don't pose a major risk of injury. Take them out to the cinema, play a board game, etc. Being afraid of them getting hurt on your watch is a crap excuse.

This does all sound a bit odd, AND if you've not looked after them up to this point, I can understand why you might be feeling nervous about it now.

And flying solo caring for kids who are more than likely aware of the awkwardness of your relationship, even just for a few hours, could be uncomfortable for them as well as you.

Can you get some 'practice' time in ahead of the weeks he's working?

Hang out with them more, engage with them in activities while your DP is 'in the background', and see how that feels for everyone?

Also, if the kids' mother is an 'unreasonable human being who makes your life hell', she'll find a way to cause drama whether you watch them or not – might as well support your DP and build a relationship with his kids in the meantime.

@NataliaOsipova – her DP is asked to work '2-3 hours sometimes'. It's hardly a full-time 5-day work week. I'll hang out with my DSS for 4-5 hours each day at weekends when he's home with us and my DP works, because it's worth it for the other 19 hours a day they get to be together.

for calling them BM it's a term used in adoptive purposes and is twatish to use in the same context when describing mum on the forum for parents, you wouldn't like you're dp being called sperm donator or bio dad. I'm gobsmacked you can have a child with a man and have made no attempt to try and foster a relationship with his DC I think tbh it's pretty appalling, I'm guessing it was a quick pregnancy early into the relationship. Once a month access is appalling do they even have a relationship with their half sibling.

If he's having them for a week after only seeing them once a month he should be taking leave for that week, not leaving them with you.

It depends tbh. I have dps kids on my own with baby sometimes but I will not be childcare unless I want to.
I'm happy to take them an event eg a play or the park or a show or circus but I will categorically not be regular childcare. I have my own child to look after and the ages make that difficult.
It's its for 3 hours once then maybe you can say yes on strict understanding its a one off and what the conditions are. Eg you watch a film, no rough play and dp sets down expectations for behaviour

I think you need to support your dh here . But can he get any leave for that week?

Your OH and his children come as a 'package' and you need to step up to at least being responsible for them some of the time

nope, you don't have to be responsible for someone else's children, ever, unless you want to.

Ops OH has tried to arrange childcare in the form of OP, op declined, he needs to find alternative childcare. End of.

If my DC repeatedly got injured while in their dad's care, I would be 'difficult' too. She must wonder if they are being properly looked after.
I agree that if you get with a man who has young DC and then add a baby to the mix, you cannot ignore his children as if they are nothing to do with you - they are your child's siblings. Get to know them and try to build a relationship.
I think looking after them for a couple of hours occasionally is not a big ask.
Your dp should get formal contact arrangements in place - this current set up isn't good for anyone.

having a relationship with them doesn't = babysitting them so he can go to work. HTH.

@Molhouse1 I don't think you're being unreasonable either given the circumstances of contact - these are kids you've had no chance to build a strong bond with & it's very hard to oversee/discipline kids you don't see very often on feel connected to.
I have a somewhat similar situation although my dp's kids are 13, 16 & 19. Dp sees them regularly by traveling to the town where they live & keeping on a house there. I only see them about once every 2 months or so - their ages, logistics/geographics have something to do with this but it's also due to the fact that dp & I BOTH decided that the fallout, for everyone inc. the kids, of them being around me more & the absolute crazy it induced in their dm was just not not worth it & we've been together 5 years at this stage.
It works well enough for us & they & I get on fine when we do meet up as I've lots of experience with teens & am pretty relaxed, but it also means I don't have a close relationship with them & unfortunately they don't feel like part of MY family & dp has had to work really hard at accepting that his partner & his kids cannot blend in the way he would like. I'm fond of them & I care about their well-being but to me they are just dp's kids & dp gets this.
I'd have no issue supervising the older 2 but I wouldn't mind the 13 year old by myself. He's willful, headstrong, listens to no one & will do things he's told not to do because "he feels like it" & yes his dm would freak if anything happened on my watch & neither I nor dp want that hassle. Ironically, I'm not allowed discipline or parent him either (not dp's words but his ex's).

I personally do blame their dm in this situation as I too am a dm & my exh & I worked very hard to ensure our kids blended into his new family & it has worked. For blending to be successful all the adults need to be on the same page & in both my & your cases they're not.
All that being said, while you may not build a close bond with these kids, they are still your dp's kids & to that end HE needs to get a contact order sorted to ensure that he at least gets regular & set access to his kids; that his access is not just at the whim of his ex. You also need to bare in mind that your child is their sibling & as such is entitled to have a relationship with these kids which again, is something only your dp can sort.
I think a good, honest chat with dp about how you all move forward over the next few years would be a really good idea (if you haven't already done so).

What's with the passive aggressive HTH?
It's for 3 hours, not 3 weeks!

3 hours, 3 minutes, 3 weeks, - nobody has a right to force their children onto someone else for any amount of time.

They are not ops children, if she does not want to babysit them, she does not have to. Their actual parents need to sort out childcare.

Op I think this is a "you've made your bed now lie in it" I don't doubt that they can be hard work. But you've had a child together who's their sibling. Your going to have to step up and get involved. It'll drive a wedge otherwise