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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to watch his kids?

117 replies

Molhouse1 · 18/06/2019 07:19

OH and i have been together for 3 years and have 1 child together. He has 2 children from previous relationship aged 7 and 10. OH recently picked up a job where he is asked to work a few hours sometimes (2-3 hours). Since his kids are on summer vacation, he wants to have them over for almost a week and is asking me to watch them while he goes to work. My answer was absolutely not. I don't want any drama with BM if anything happens to the kids if he is not here. She is an unreasonable human being that has made our life hell and i purposely do not try to parent or say anything to her kids so that they do not have anything negative to say about me and take back to her. For the record, OH only sees them once a month if that, she allows him to see the kids only when she feels like it.
AIBU for not wanting to watch his kids? He seems a little hurt but I am just doing it to protect myself from drama.

OP posts:
Scorpvenus1 · 18/06/2019 16:38

YANBU

his kids, his problem specially when dealing with baby momma drama. If he cant see his kids he should tell the other parent this and arrange not to see them.

If my partner has to work then his little boy don't come over, same reasons as yours, I don't want to be involved in drama, cant get inb trouble if your not involved :)

The children have parents your not needed to pick up their slack.

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit · 18/06/2019 20:09

Wow... this is the first thread I’ve read where the SM has been told she is BU for not wanting to watch the SCs...
Usually when a SM is already watching the kids loads they are told to stop immediately, their OH should be sorting childcare or doing it himself, he’s a shit father because he works and expects the SM to do free childcare. Oh and also she’s called a mug for looking after the kids at all when she shouldn’t as they are not her responsibility.... Hmm

Original poster
Molhouse1 · 18/06/2019 21:04

What in explained to OH last week when this first came up was this: there is NO WAY that you didn't know your kids were going to be on vacation for the summer and you were going to want them to stay here. You should have busted your ass and worked more hours so that you can save up and be able to afford time off.
He and i both work the same amount of hours, i am fortunate that I am able to take our baby to work with me sometimes, he could have used that time to do overtime or look for a second job instead of doing the bare minimum.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but i have been a doormat to many people in my life before, there is no guarantee that OH and i will be together forever, i dont want to become a free babysitter and be taken advantage of when it is at his convenience. Like many people here have said, he can step it up and do more for his kids, but that is a seperate issue than the one I have posted about here.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 18/06/2019 21:08

If you are a SAHM and your DH is funding this then he has every right to be pissed off at you for not looking after his kids for 3 hours a day. If my DH did that to me I would be arranging full time childcare for all the kids and demanding he go back to work full time. If you are working and not reliant on his money then fine.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 21:10

teddy hed have a right to be pissed off if op refused to look after their joint child who lives on their household. Not his children who op has barely anything to do with. She is not his on tap childcare.

Herewegoagain123 · 18/06/2019 21:17

YANBU at all. All the posters who are saying they come as a package and you should step up are the same ones who’d be saying you’re interfering and doing too much in another situation. You can’t win on this forum as a step parent. You’re doing the right thing, step back.

C0untDucku1a · 18/06/2019 21:22

He doesnt sound great op. He sounds lazy.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 18/06/2019 21:32

I can see it's a tough situation but I think communication is the only way through it.

I ended a long term relationship (pre my own DC, which I know makes a difference) because I didn't want to be a step mum. I also didnt want to argue about it and cause more problems. They came as a pair and I wasn't up for it.

Your combined DC are siblings. They deserve the chance of a relationship though.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 21:36

usually they do but it should be their dad facilitating that, not the op.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 18/06/2019 21:42

Probably.

But any of the adults could do it.

None of it is fair on the kids.

OP and her DP need to discuss the long term implications of her having no involvement at all with his DC.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 21:52

Could do yes, should do? No.

Youre right its not fair on the kids but it is up to their parents to act in their best interests, not op.

If he wants a properly blended family HE needs to make the effort to blend it. Not just leave op and his kids to it. He is what connects them together therefore its down to him.

If op wades in a tries to create a relationship how is that going to go down in reality? Not very well let me tell you.

Banhaha · 19/06/2019 06:55

Thanks for the update OP. I would agree with those that have said it's up to you and if you don't want to look after them that's fine. I didn't feel comfortable looking after mine until I'd got to know them and spent enough time with them that we knew they'd listen if I had to intervene. Even now its as a last resort if something pops up at work and he needs to go in for a few hours. They are his children who he parents not me. If I do look after them we have a rule that if I call him then he must answer.

swingofthings · 19/06/2019 07:39

Well the alternative is him not doing any extra hours and everyone having to cut down on luxuries.

I fully agree with the concept of not relying on a partner to look after the children of the other, but your attitude seems so excessive for a few hours not for him to go and enjoy a hobby but work to support the family.

Your posts don't reflect the functioning of a committed relationship that shares a child together but one that scores points.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/06/2019 08:56

swing how on earth is she point scoring?

I really dont know why you bother posting on these threads.

AugieMarch · 19/06/2019 09:02

I can understand where you're coming from amd agree dh should step up but I also feel that if you marry someone with kids you need to take on the whole package and step up to help with their dc when required. I'm wondering why your dh hasn't gone to court to have access more than the current arrangement. Why has he let their mum stop them seeing him when surely a court would grant him more access given their ages?

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 19/06/2019 10:08

Hi all,
We've had some reports about this thread and have cast our eye over it and we can see that the term BM has caused some consternation.

We don't believe the OP meant to cause any offence - if we did we would have removed the post - but just for future reference if you know a term causes widespread offence it might be better not to use it as it clearly gets in the way of receiving support.

Anyway, thanks for listening, sorry for getting in the way with our tuppence-worth, we hope that this summer turns out well for the whole family.

Butterflyone1 · 19/06/2019 13:47

I personally think you are being unreasonable. You will be caring for your child so why can't you include your DP children too?

Yes their DM might have an opinion on you caring for them but whilst the children are in their DD care then he can decide who he deems fit to look after them.

Personally you all sound lazy and uncaring. You say you both only work 2-3 hours (whether that's a day or week is still minimal) so you've got plenty of time to care for these children but you're choosing not to.

swingofthings · 19/06/2019 14:21

swing how on earth is she point scoring?
Stating that they both work the same amount of hours, but that only does the bare minimum, to me comes à Ross as point scoring.

I totally agree that SP shouldn't be used as free childcare, but 3 hours on an exceptional basis, when you are a couple sharing a child together, this sounds extreme. I wonder how OP would feel if her elderly grandmother was visiting, she had to go work with her baby for three hours, and her OH said that no way would he look after her for 3 hours because she could have a stroke whilst under her care.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/06/2019 14:28

tbh I just took that as her giving background info considering everyone had jumped to the conclusion she was a SAHM and therefore he was entitled to her free childcare.

it isn't 3 hours on an exceptional basis though is it, its 3 hours every day for as long as they are with op and her dp which is likely going to be a week ish?

they are a couple sharing a child together, but the children in question are not shared children and therefore not op's responsibility. You can say they should be until you're blue in the face but legally and realistically they have sweet FA to do with OP. she see's them once a month, and she is not married to their parent.

I imagine OP would sort out alternative care like anyone with half a brain would tbh. I wouldn't be offended if DP didn't want to care for my elderly grandmother - why on earth would anyone expect that?

if he wanted a blended family - he should have blended it from the start. Instead he has kept 1st family and 2nd family reasonably separate, which has been fine, until now he has realised fuck I need family 2 to care for family 1 and has suddenly changed his tune. You don't get to move the goal posts 3 years down the line, without any kind of conversation or prior warning.

swingofthings · 19/06/2019 17:09

it isn't 3 hours on an exceptional basis though is it, its 3 hours every day for as long as they are with op and her dp which is likely going to be a week ish?
I didn't read it like that but that it was a one off. Every day for three hours is another matter.

MammEEE · 23/06/2019 08:22

Reading your original post I was sympathetic to you OP as my DSDs mum is so difficult I could relate with not wanting drama that the situation could possibly create. BUT when you mentioned that you're not sure you'll stay together anyway..that speaks volumes. Why are you with a man who has kids unless you are certain that you will be together forever?! I know life happens and people split up even if they think they'll remain together but when kids are involved you need to be as sure as can be.

Baring in mind that you think you might be taken advantage off and you're not sure you'll be with him long term anyway, don't look after his kids. Sorry if I sound harsh but it takes someone special to be a good SP and I don't think you've got what it takes. Sounds like you've half checked out already

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 24/06/2019 11:01

BM is a perfectly valid term, as is OH, SM, SD, BD, SS, SD, DS, DD etc. You lot really need to get lives. You are only offended for the sake of having something to have a go at OP for.

Absolutely not OP's issue to babysit. Those of you saying she needs to step up, I mean?! These are YOUR children we are talking about, I note no one seems to be suggesting BM step up, be the mature adult, and look after OP's child once in a while? If BD cannot look after his children, then it is the mothers responsibility, absolutely no one else's. A child has two parents, OP isnt one of them, regardless of whether her child is their sibling.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 24/06/2019 11:33

BM is not a valid term and is only.used is adopted term as is BD is not a valid term or sperm donator it is derogatory and is being used in a inflammatory way to be demeaning to the mother DM is the correct terminology on MN

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 24/06/2019 11:43

@snapped, And you make the rules, do you? There is nothing Dear about the mother of my stepkids, I can assure you of that. And from your attitude, I shall make the same assumption of you too.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 24/06/2019 11:51

BM to describe a woman who hasn't given her child up for adoption puts me in mind of TRAs using the term 'cis woman'. 'Mother' and 'woman' do not need further qualification - they are sufficient to describe just as they are.
Birth mother to describe a woman who is actively parenting her child is bloody rude and is an attempt to minimise her importance.