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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to watch his kids?

117 replies

Molhouse1 · 18/06/2019 07:19

OH and i have been together for 3 years and have 1 child together. He has 2 children from previous relationship aged 7 and 10. OH recently picked up a job where he is asked to work a few hours sometimes (2-3 hours). Since his kids are on summer vacation, he wants to have them over for almost a week and is asking me to watch them while he goes to work. My answer was absolutely not. I don't want any drama with BM if anything happens to the kids if he is not here. She is an unreasonable human being that has made our life hell and i purposely do not try to parent or say anything to her kids so that they do not have anything negative to say about me and take back to her. For the record, OH only sees them once a month if that, she allows him to see the kids only when she feels like it.
AIBU for not wanting to watch his kids? He seems a little hurt but I am just doing it to protect myself from drama.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/06/2019 10:00

Obviously no one is going to hold a gun to her head. But it's the difference between being a family and not.
Personally I consider it irresponsible to form a relationship with someone who is a parent, add a new baby to the situation and make no effort to build relationships with stepchildren. Now there are circumstances where a step parent tries but things just don't work out,not where the actual parent totally takes the piss, but the onus is on the adults to do their best and not just throw their hands in the air and say 'not my kids not my problem'.
I can't imagine saying that to my husband - the things that concern him, concern me also.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 10:03

howitends they clearly aren't a family, he has the kids once a month, and in that time he goes out to work.

If they were with op every weekend, it would be very different.

How is she supposed to build a relationship in a few hours a month, when her OH isn't even present?

you say there are circumstances where the actual parent takes the piss, this is one of them.

you cant imagine it because presumably your circumstances are entirely different.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/06/2019 10:10

I certainly think their dad needs to be doing more. But they won't ever be a family unless both adults try to make it so.
I honestly don't see this a piss taking. I see it as a woman helping out her partner, who she presumably loves.
I'd reconsider my marriage if I needed to go to work and my husband took a 'not my problem' approach to me asking him for help.

Magda72 · 18/06/2019 10:16

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds - I agree with you. But sometimes there's very little you can do. What dp & I found in our case is that us being united & trying to 'create' a new blended family was just not going to work as his ex just would not allow it. To this end she totally worked the kids over, lying about me & my kids & alternately raging & weeping at them if they were with us or spoke about me. We all went on a city break together last year & she phoned at least one of the two older guys EVERY day crying as she was "so lonely". That's a terrible thing for any kid who's just trying to enjoy some holiday time with dad to have to deal with. Obviously we don't 'give in' to her fully but we decided together that the least stressful thing for everyone & especially the kids was to not put them in her line of fire (or at least minimise it) & for dp to have most of his contact alone with them. Things are a good deal calmer for the kids this way.
I'm not vilifying all dms - I am one - but I think many people underestimate the damage a non cooperative ex can do to the kids & sometimes it is just best to not get involved. The downside of my situation is that dp's ex & dp's kids still see her, dp & their kids as a family - I'm just some person on the fringes of dp's life that can be (metaphorically) ignored. Dp of course does not feel this way at all & the situation is hard on him - but it's also the least stressful. He just wants to get all his kids to 18 with the least amount of stress & hassle for them.

Pearlfish · 18/06/2019 10:17

I don't generally agree with barely-there fathers who expect to be able to foist their DC on their partner on the odd occasions when they have them. So normally I would be on your side, OP.

However, if it's only for 2-3 hours then I think you're making a bit of a fuss over nothing!

swingofthings · 18/06/2019 10:21

If it means that he can only have the children that week if someobe looks after them for 3h in that week and no one can do not it but you, then yes, you are being unreasonable.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 10:30

They're never going to be a family if the kids are only there once a month. OP babysitting them for a few hours, doesn't make them a family.

What would help, is the dad spending time with all the children, and OP all together, regularly. That's what makes a family, not the SM doing the childcare and dad buggering off to work. That is not how familys work.

Again, you're not in this situation and I expect that if you were you might think differently.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 10:32

If it means that he can only have the children that week if someobe looks after them for 3h in that week and no one can do not it but you, then yes, you are being unreasonable

or he could you know just sort out alternative childcare?

why can only OP do it?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/06/2019 10:32

Magda, I think you've tried your best and that's all anyone can do. I don't see you in the same category as someone who just takes a view that their dh's children are nothing at all to do with them, even when there are half siblings involved.

Firefliess · 18/06/2019 10:41

Joan He can't very well arrange a babysitter for 3 hours with the OP in the house can he? That would be really odd for all concerned. He could potentially try to arrange a play date (though that can be tricky with two kids, and if he's not in regular contact with their friends' parents) But that too sends them a very clear message of "your DSM does not want you around"

And this attitude of "nobody should be expected to look after somebody else's kids" is awful I think in the context of a married couple where one of them is being expected to earn the money to support the other. He could alternatively stay home and care for all three of his kids and the OP could go out to work couldn't she? But I'm guessing they've made a joint decision not to do that. You can't make joint decisions over who earns the money and who stays home, but then turn round and say that you are two unconnected people in terms of caring for the children you have between you.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 10:53

he could use a childminder? a holiday club? another relative who wants to spend time with the children. He clearly thinks OP is the easy (and free option) though doesn't he.

Alternatively he could spend time with his children in the one time a month he has them. That would be a better solution all round no?

They're not a married couple. We don't know whether he is "expected to earn all the money" do we? that still doesn't give him free reign to dump his kids on OP imo. Looking after joint children whilst your OH works is one thing, looking after children you have next to no relationship with is something quite different.

He see's his kids once a month, and during that time, he dumps them on someone else. The only person in the wrong here is him, not OP.

Again, if they had the kids all the time it would be entirely different, and I would agree that OP was being unreasonable, but in this situation, there is no relationship there, she isn't a part of their lives, and he cannot just choose to make her one when it benefits him.

SandyY2K · 18/06/2019 10:58

Seeing your child once a month hardly seems like he's a great part of their lives, so I don't see why the OP needs to step up as pp are saying... when their father isn't overly involved.

With those kind of injuries they get when with your DP gandhis sister, I wouldn't want to be responsible for them. It sounds very stressful.

He could alternatively stay home and care for all three of his kids

That's not an option for him, as he can't expect his DP to provide financially for his other 2 kids, which is what staying at home would result in.

They're not even married, so she has absolutely no obligation to look after or financially support them.

I suspect if their DM was reasonable with custody, wasn't generally difficult and the kids weren't getting injured she might feel differently.

Nesssie · 18/06/2019 11:11

How is your relationship going to work if you can never been left alone with the children? That's bizarre.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 11:19

why is there any need for her to be left alone with the children when he only sees them ONCE A MONTH?

I find it really odd that nobody thinks he should be spending all the time with him that he can, considering he sees them so infrequently.

if you only saw your kids once a month, would you palm them off on someone else whilst you went to work? I certainly wouldn't.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/06/2019 11:36

Joan, plenty of posters have said the dad needs to make proper contact arrangements and see the children more frequently. But sometimes you do just have to work - employers aren't obliged to give people time off because this is the week their kids are staying over.
I'm not sure you can get a holiday club place for 3 hours and a babysitter is likely to know the children even less than the OP - I'd be hurt if my partner would rather I did that than help me out for a few hours. It wouldn't say much for our relationship.
I'd do this for a friend, let alone a partner.

Yabbers · 18/06/2019 11:38

He only works a few hours?

I’d say you have bigger problems than just looking after his children (which, you should do BTW)

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/06/2019 11:42

just because you would do it for a friend, doesn't mean OP is obliged to do it for her OH.

She isn't obliged to look after them at all, they're not her responsibility, they're his. You seem to have a lot of excuses as to why he cant use any other option than OP.

A babysitter is a professional, someone who wants to look after children. Op doesn't want to look after these kids, and that's fine she shouldn't have to.

If he wanted her to regularly look after his kids, he should have made a bigger effort to blend his family. He hasn't done this, and IMO cannot therefore expect OP to step in and care for his kids when he cant.

If he had blended his family, as I have said about 3 times now, it would be entirely different.

You cant have it both ways.

Magda72 · 18/06/2019 11:43

"I suspect if their DM was reasonable with custody, wasn't generally difficult and the kids weren't getting injured she might feel differently".
@SandyY2K - I agree with you. I read it as the op doesn't want to get involved under the current set of circumstances.

PinkCrayon · 18/06/2019 11:44

Yanbu.
Dealing with an ex that has made your life hell is not easy and will impact on the childrens relationships with their Dad and you, which is obviously not your fault.
If you feel like she will just create drama which will impact you, you are well within your rights to not want to be apart of it.
Tell him to get the time off.

SavingSpaces2019 · 18/06/2019 12:08

well if he sees then for such a small amount of time anyway then he needs to make sure he isn't working the week he has them!

Bluerussian · 18/06/2019 12:17

I don't know how I'd feel about that, if it was only 2-3 hours a day I probably would mind them, some of that time would be taken up by eating and then we might go out to the park or something. I do however understand the op's fears, I too would worry about accidents, etc, while they were on my watch. I suppose one needs to relax about it. The op might find she likes the children and enjoys their time with her. Do stress that they are your husband's responsibility though.

Quite honestly I would never have got together with someone who had young kids, it makes life so complicated.

smallereveryday · 18/06/2019 15:32

There is a solution to all this.

  1. Download the form C100 from HMCTS website. Get father to complete it.
  1. Fill in the 'help with fees' form. If he is only working such a small amount I guess your income is low so will qualify. If not then pay the fee of £215
  1. Go to court and get regular court ordered contact that the mother can't argue with. It should be a minimum of every other weekend and an evening in the week.

4 with more regular contact you can both establish a relationship with the children and they with you.

  1. Do not engage with the mother. All communication with her should be restricted to child contact and be between your OH and her.
  1. Once they are used to you being another parent in the house you will feel more comfortable in the parenting role.

Do not let the relationship between the children and the father be held ransoms by the mother dictating terms. All children have a right to an adequate relationship with their father that is in their best interests - if it is safe to do so.

Once a month is not 'adequate'.

smallereveryday · 18/06/2019 15:34

Btw you do not need a solicitor for this. It is very normal to self represent.

stuffedpeppers · 18/06/2019 15:40

Your language - BM, lugs is just out of kilter.

I think your attitude stink tbh

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/06/2019 16:22

I think the father is working more than 3 hours - I got the impression that this is just an occasional extra hours thing that the employer needs, bit it is and art of his job to do. I also thought asking OP to mind the children was a one off, not 3 hours every day. Might have misread that though.