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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Aibu regarding bedroom

97 replies

bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 16:33

So I have 2dsc, they are lovely teenagers and we have a good relationship, see they often and involved, however me and dh are at loggerheads regarding our bedroom.

Dsc have their own room and obviously the house to do as they please however dsd spends all her time lying on our bed, she makes a mess, pulls the sheets off (asssume from moving about etc?) leaves cups and plates up there and eats in our bed leaving crumbs.

Last time this happened I said to her that as she isn’t being respectful of our room she is not to hang out in there, to use her own room.

Dsd was upset by this and had a massive strop and dh thinks I am being unreasonable and unkind to ban her from a room in her home.

I don’t like her being in there anyway, I feel it’s my sanctuary and prefer it not being used as a hang out but I have so far let it go until it is being left in a shit tip. They are due tomorrow and dh is adamant that she should be allowed in there and I am not.

Where do we go from here?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

UCOinanOCG · 30/05/2019 16:34

What is it about your room that draws her in?

HelloYouTwo · 30/05/2019 16:40

YANBU at all. I wouldn’t let my dc or dsc use my bedroom for their own leisure purposes.

I guess if she has to share a bedroom with her sibling she might feel like she has no actual space of her own. Can you find a way to give her time in a living room or their room to herself?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 30/05/2019 16:41

How old is she? Why on earth is she doing all this in your room and why didn't you nip it in the bud before it got this bad?

Frenchfancy · 30/05/2019 16:44

My teens are not allowed to hang out in my bedroom. They come in when I am there but other than that never.

Do you have a TV in there? Or a good WiFi signal? I would try to get to the reason why, at the same time as firmly putting my foot down.

HelloYouTwo · 30/05/2019 16:44

I would also take the opportunity to hand over the entertainment of his kids to your DH and you have a bit of time off in your room, read a book, watch a film, have a kip, put on a face mask, whatever works for you. It’s your space to relax and sleep in. If you’re in there she and her sibling can share out the living room and their bedroom for a bit of downtime.

Original poster

bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 16:45

Because dh is adamant that she be allowed in there and at the beginning it didn’t feel like I wanted to have the battle but her use of the room as gotten progressively worse and I am sick of it.

Dss spends most his time downstairs so she has most the day upstairs alone in her own room if she wished, he prefers to be downstairs with us.

Also I don’t see why the whole family should vacate the living room so she can have alone time.

Not sure, I assume because we have a double bed to lounge on, there is no telly in there for her to watch or anything

OP posts:

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/05/2019 16:51

The dc all of them including my own and dsc are not allowed in our bedroom unless ill etc.
They all have their own bedrooms, the living room, conservatory and garden. It's enough.
Dp didn't agree. I said it was non negotiable for me. I change in their and its my only private space in whole house - he has a study and work room in garage

UCOinanOCG · 30/05/2019 16:52

Do your DSD and DSS share a room at yours? How old are they?

I am guessing she somehow now sees your room as 'her' space. I don't think I would like that at all. Where is your privacy if you want to have a nap or get changed?

AliceRR · 30/05/2019 16:55

You need to stop her going in your room. It sounds like she can have their bedroom to herself anyway but either way it’s not appropriate for her to be in your DH’s and your space. Just tell your DH no. You have a right to your own space in your own home. It doesn’t sound like she respects your space either.

HeckyPeck · 30/05/2019 16:57

What is your DH’s reason to allow her in there? Is he always so dismissive of your needs?

Pythonesque · 30/05/2019 16:57

Do you lounge about in their room? Your room should definitely be out of bounds, that is the reasonable option. If one of mine was treating their own room in the way you describe, there would be words had ... to do it to your room is completely not on.

Original poster

bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 16:58

Yes they share, we’re not able to change that as can’t afford to move and no room to put either somewhere else as downstairs is all one room.

Dss spends very little time upstairs will wake up and come down and then down until he goes to bed, so she has plenty of time alone in her own room.

They’re 15 and 17.

She will leave if I’m changing etc. I don’t nap ever, but the minute I leave she’ll go back in.

I hate it, i don’t want to have to tidy up and remake beds before I can get into bed at night

OP posts:

Original poster

bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 17:00

Dh says that he will not ban his children from anywhere in their home.

Usually we agree on most things and he has made compromises for me regarding various things but this seems to be a real issue. I said last time she was here that she wasn’t to go in there but he is determined to allow her again

OP posts:

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/05/2019 17:05

Just say I'm sorry dad but you can't use my bedroom anymore as I'm not comfortable with it and you make an unreasonable amount of mess despite being asked not too , you have your own room to chill in if you want space. They enforce it, every single time tell her to move.
Your dp will have to cope. It's reasonable. Your not telling her off your just asking her to go elsewhere. It's reasonable.

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/05/2019 17:07

Dsd not dad... Stupid phone.
It's not just dp space so it's not his choice, she isn't banned from it. She can come in to speak to you or if sick etc but not just to doss in

Drum2018 · 30/05/2019 17:08

I would seriously be putting my foot down on this issue. Our kids wouldn't dream of lounging about in our room. Another thing they don't do is bring food into the bedrooms. You are entitled to some personal space. It's unfortunate that the kids don't have a room each but that's no excuse for your Dh to insist that they get to slob around in your room.

MsPavlichenko · 30/05/2019 17:09

Well I am with you on not wanting her in your space. I can see her having an issue with a shared space, even if her DB is not using it much. It isn't really her own space if he can come in anytime, and they have to sleep there together. I'd hate that at their ages. I'm guessing that is why she is hanging out in your room.

No easy answers I ' m afraid but teenage room sharing like this is less than ideal.

WhenIsTheEasyBit · 30/05/2019 17:09

Sorry OP, I think at those ages, they do need their own space somewhere. I know that doesn't help you create more space, but perhaps to see it from her POV needing privacy/ space from her brother.

GreenTulips · 30/05/2019 17:11

My teens don’t lounge in our bed either! Nor would they want too! They pop in sometimes if I’m in there but otherwise they don’t bother

Your DH is being very odd!!

Mitzimaybe · 30/05/2019 17:12

YANBU. He IBU.

UCOinanOCG · 30/05/2019 17:12

So, as the saying goes, you have a DH problem not a DSD problem. He needs to be on the same page as you if you are going to solve this. You both need to be clear that she can no longer hang about in your room. I have no idea what you do if he doesn't agree. Does he normally ride roughshod over your feelings and wishes?

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 30/05/2019 17:12

Tell your DH you will be spending the weekend in your room until he comes to his senses. Turf DSD out and keep her out.

AliceRR · 30/05/2019 17:16

It sounds like you don’t have much space but it’s not ideal for nearly adult brother and sister to be sharing a room. Still, you all have limited space and your DSD cannot have the whole house. Your room is yours and presumably you don’t lounge in their room. I’m not sure what the solution is. Is there a way to divide their room in some way if it’s a decent size? I’ve seen some creative ways to divide a room by outing bunk beds in the middle and then they have one side each

AllOverIt · 30/05/2019 17:21

YANBU

Thanosthenutsack · 30/05/2019 17:26

Tell her that's where you have sex with her dad. Doubt you'd see her for dust

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