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Original poster

Aibu regarding bedroom

97 replies

bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 16:33

So I have 2dsc, they are lovely teenagers and we have a good relationship, see they often and involved, however me and dh are at loggerheads regarding our bedroom.

Dsc have their own room and obviously the house to do as they please however dsd spends all her time lying on our bed, she makes a mess, pulls the sheets off (asssume from moving about etc?) leaves cups and plates up there and eats in our bed leaving crumbs.

Last time this happened I said to her that as she isn’t being respectful of our room she is not to hang out in there, to use her own room.

Dsd was upset by this and had a massive strop and dh thinks I am being unreasonable and unkind to ban her from a room in her home.

I don’t like her being in there anyway, I feel it’s my sanctuary and prefer it not being used as a hang out but I have so far let it go until it is being left in a shit tip. They are due tomorrow and dh is adamant that she should be allowed in there and I am not.

Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
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DizzySue · 30/05/2019 17:30

At the very least I would insist on no food or drink in your room.

Inniu · 30/05/2019 17:32

Are there only 2 bedrooms and your 2 DSC or are there other bedrooms and other children in the house too?
Is this a protest at the way the bedrooms are divided?

lunar1 · 30/05/2019 17:35

They are at an age where it is inappropriate for mixed sex siblings to share. Could they have the biggest room with a partition wall added?

Lollypop701 · 30/05/2019 17:38

So his daughters wants trump yours? I’d be unhappy with this tbh. I appreciate its dsc home, but you should have a say too. Bare minimum is she leaves it as she finds it, or doesn’t use it. She is17 and this is not unreasonable. Dh problem I think!

Original poster
bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 17:40

It’s a two bedroom house, they have the slightly larger room as there are two of them, no other children.

We can’t give her, her own room there is no space and we can’t afford to move, so it may be less than ideal but we can’t change that.

I don’t get how my room is any more private than her own, I go up and dh goes up and turfs her out if needed, in her own room that wouldn’t happen and she would be disturbed less as her brother literally spends no time up there.

I know it’s a dh problem as well but he’s digging his heals in as am I. I will reinforce this at the weekend but if dh goes against me, it’ll just cause friction

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 30/05/2019 17:43

Sex ban. How can you relax knowing his dd thinks it's her room??
Ffs can the man not dare refuse his dd anything?

Outanabout · 30/05/2019 17:44

I'd lock the door every time I left the bedroom, and bring the key with me.

I think it's really odd to have a 17- and 15-year-old brother and sister sharing a room though, I'm surprised their mother allows it.

Foxmuffin · 30/05/2019 17:47

Your DH is being ridiculous. Every child needs boundaries. This sounds like dad guilt.

Original poster
bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 17:48

Why is it odd, surely it’s better they come and have a relationship with their father than not come at all for the sake of sleeping. There mum has no issue with it. Not everyone can afford bedrooms each,

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 30/05/2019 17:49

Whatever people say you have to decide if this is your line in the sand bumblebeetree in your relationship with your DH.
Clearly you have opposing views, for whatever reason (fwiw I think you are right) and it is already causing friction and upsetting you.
Is putting your foot down about this and potentially "getting your way" worth whatever friction and fallout that may involve?

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/05/2019 17:49

Lots of mixed sex siblings share as space is limited esp on big cities where living costs are high.
It's none of their mothers business provided the kids are happy. At 15 and 17 they have a day if they come or not, so as they are still going they must be happy with the arrangement.
It's op and her spouses room, not the kids. Get a lock or just reiterate evry time that she isn't allowed in unless she's unwell.

Original poster
bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 17:52

Yes it is something I am willing to draw a line in the sand, I originally let it go thinking ok it’ll be fine and I was being silly but it really does bother me, so I will make it clear to dh that I am not happy about if and I will reiterate to dsd that she is no longer to go in there.

Thanks, sometimes when you’re in an argument you lose perspective about whether you’re being unreasonable

OP posts:
iknowenoughthankyouygritte · 30/05/2019 17:54

No food in bedroom is non negotiable rule in our house.
My kids can come into our bedroom but it is my space not theirs and DH and I take priority.
It is weird she wants to hang out there.

MzHz · 30/05/2019 17:54

Put a camp bed in with his dc and he can lounge in there until he gets it that he ain’t getting it until he gets it Wink

WhiteCat1704 · 30/05/2019 18:00

Wow...your DP is an idiot. Of course you should be able to ban SD from your room! A teenager at that...it's inappropriate that she is doing it.

How are the finances split? Does he pay 3/4 for him+2 other people and you 1/4?

MsPavlichenko · 30/05/2019 18:06

It may not simply be a privacy issue, just a space her DB isn't/ won't be in. Probably not thought it through herself. Possibly smells a lot nicer too.

I absolutely agree that your room should be off limits btw. Just trying to get her reasoning, such as it is.

Snog · 30/05/2019 18:12

YourDP is being very unreasonable here and disrespectful towards you. I would put my foot down.

I would first of all however ask Dsd why she prefers your room and if there is anything you can do to make hers more comfortable for her.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 30/05/2019 18:16

Whilst I do allow my own children to go in my bedroom they really don't have a right to be in there. If I tell them I don't want them in there then you can bet your arse they won't be going in!
So what if your DSD throws a strop. It's YOUR room.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 30/05/2019 18:22

Only ones allowed in our bedroom are dh +ddogs now and again. Def no dc ever!

Original poster
bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 18:36

Thanks will be having words with dh. I think not having children of my own I've never really considered whether I would allow them in my room. Mind you I never went in my parents room as a kid

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 30/05/2019 18:42

I have just had to instigate a bedroom ban but that is because the youngest step son started smuggling things of mine home with him. He is little but until we get to the bottom of it, my bedroom is out of bounds. DP is supportive of that and I think you are being quite reasonable OP. I don’t see why your room should be given over to the teen at all.

minmooch · 30/05/2019 18:46

Are you able to make two private spaces in the room they share?

Can you give us room size/shape and furniture and see if someone could come up with something clever?

I do not think you are being unreasonable - your bedroom is your space. However by sharing your dsc do not have their privacy either.

TabbyStar · 30/05/2019 18:47

I seem to have a different view from most other people, my own DD and previously DSKs (they are adults now) are in general welcome anywhere in the house unless I say not for a specific reason (room particularly untidy, clothes out or something). I think it's important kids feel at home, especially SKs. I would feel really uncomfortable banning them. Especially where there isn't much space in the first place, so I'd be with your DP. I guess it just reflects different values and parenting styles, we're more of the everyone messes in together approach. I would set boundaries about the food though.

NeatFreakMama · 30/05/2019 18:49

Could you compromise and say she's allowed in but no food or drinks and she needs to make the bed before leaving and that message should come from both you and DH? Also side note but those partition walls are not too expensive and might help the living situation.

AliceRR · 30/05/2019 18:51

I think it's important kids feel at home, especially SKs

Feeling at home does not equal having everything they want. OP needs to be able to enjoy her home too. There is no reason why DSD cannot spend time in her own room if DSS is downstairs most of the time.