Aibu regarding bedroom

[bumblebeetree]

So I have 2dsc, they are lovely teenagers and we have a good relationship, see they often and involved, however me and dh are at loggerheads regarding our bedroom.

Dsc have their own room and obviously the house to do as they please however dsd spends all her time lying on our bed, she makes a mess, pulls the sheets off (asssume from moving about etc?) leaves cups and plates up there and eats in our bed leaving crumbs.

Last time this happened I said to her that as she isn’t being respectful of our room she is not to hang out in there, to use her own room.

Dsd was upset by this and had a massive strop and dh thinks I am being unreasonable and unkind to ban her from a room in her home.

I don’t like her being in there anyway, I feel it’s my sanctuary and prefer it not being used as a hang out but I have so far let it go until it is being left in a shit tip. They are due tomorrow and dh is adamant that she should be allowed in there and I am not.

Where do we go from here?

My DS isn't allowed in my room unless he knocks on the door and I say it's ok, he is an only child so he does have his own space.
When I lived at my parents I had to share a room and didn't get any space but I still wasn't allowed to go to sit in my parents room and I certainly wasn't allowed to treat it the way you say your do. I think your DH should respect your choice

The message that you send by telling her that she is unwelcome in her Dad's (and your) bedroom is that she's unwelcome in a chunk of her Dad's house and life.

Most people commented that they wouldn’t have their own children use their bedrooms that way. It’s not a conspiracy against children from divorced parents nor should such children be allowed everything they ever ask for just because their parents aren’t together.

Shared room with sibling might not be her “own” space even when brother is not in it but then surely her parents’ room isn’t either.

It’s also very difficult being a step mother and OP needs her own space too.

Given the ages and the fact that sharing a bedroom, I suspect this problem is a once or twice a month scenario at most. Absolute maximum.

Sure i would let her chill given how tight the space is - but damn girl, no eating and to leave it as she finds it.

I’d buy her a candle or her own cushion to chill out on.

They shouldn't be allowed in your room without asking, just as they would expect you to knock before you go in theirs.

Thanks all. They have been coming here for years, me and dh have been together 10 years.

I don't agree that not allowing her in our room is equal to not being involved in our life ect that's ridiculous.

A lot of people are saying our home is inadequate but this is not something we are able to change we don't have the money to move, or erect sheds or l0ft extensions ect and it has been fine for several years.

They both used to come over Friday to Saturday afternoon one weekend and Friday to Monday the next and come over for dinner/evening usually on a Wednesday.

As dsd has gotten older she tends to come over after work on a Saturday and stay till Sunday and pops over for dinner a couple of evenings a week or come straight from college on Friday and stay still Saturday and goes off to work.

Dss still generally comes over as the original contact depending on what he's up too

They both know they're welcome anytime they want and as I said this has worked fine for years.

I spoke to dsd about the room yesterday when she came and explained that I no longer wanted her using it as she has Been, she wasn't happy but did stay in her own room but has been sulking all evening. Dh doesn't get it and is pissed off with me but at least didn't say anything in front of dsd about it. She'll be up for soon for work so will speak to her again about it. I don't want this to be something that cause friction

We handled and I hope it works out. Bull by the horns is best way.

To those saying op should compromise on her privacy as her dsd has to compromise her privacy - eh no she doesn't. This is the op's only home! Dsd has ANOTHER home & space with her mum so compromising on space when with her dad really shouldn't be that big a deal.
I wouldn't allow my dc to use my bedroom like this either. It's the only room in the house that is mine - it's not communal space.
I also don't think it's outrageous that they've had to share a bedroom thus far, however I will say op that given their ages I doubt you're going to get too much longer out of this set up as I'd say your dss will start kicking soon. So, I do think your dh needs to have a good think as to how HE handles this moving forward.
My two of similar ages will share a room when on hols but that is less appealing to them both now they're both older teens.

The set up is not going to change, we are unable to change it. There are 2 rooms we can't make another one.

Dsd will be going to uni from September so the weekend visits won't be like they are for much of the year.

There really is no point in keep saying they shouldn't be sharing we are unable to change this

Tbh it's a problem of your own making. You have allowed it to happen for so long that backtracking now seem spiteful. Also maybe your house was suitable 10 years ago but you'd have to be pretty stupid to not realise that opposite sex siblings cannot share a room forever, you've had 10 years to prepare for it but seems you nd your husband have done nothing.

maybe your house was suitable 10 years ago but you'd have to be pretty stupid to not realise that opposite sex siblings cannot share a room forever, you've had 10 years to prepare for it but seems you nd your husband have done nothing.

OP says they cannot afford more space

This is the op's only home! Dsd has ANOTHER home & space with her mum so compromising on space when with her dad really shouldn't be that big a deal.

I agree with this too. Our bedrooms are often our sanctuaries and if DSD has this at her mum’s then that’s a good thing. I bet no one lounges about and messes up her room. Even if it is just at weekends I imagine this could ruin OP’s room for her in that it might not feel like her space.

You did well OP

I think you need to stick to your guns

If your DP isn’t happy with it then he can figure out how to get some more space so that everyone is happy

At one time when I was moving I rented a friend's childhood home for a few months. It was a small two-bed house, my girls shared the smaller bedroom. My friend told me that when she was a child the room had been divided by a partition wall, as she had a brother. I could hardly believe it had been possible, the room was so small, but that's what had been done to give both children privacy

If I was a 17 year old girl, and I had to share a room with a 15 year old brother and was told I wasn't allowed in my Dad's room, I'd stop visiting. I would feel that there wasn't a place for me, and that the failure to provide one, or even compromise by letting me use Dad's room for some quiet space was a clear message that my visits were unwelcome. This is why your DH didn't want you to stop letting her go into his room.

Would it really have been so hard for you to share your space from time to time? You get to live with her Dad full time - you get the best deal anyway.

Why could you just not have set rules around no food and tidying up after herself? Why is it so important to you that she doesn't go in your room?

Except the op has said the son barely goes in there so dsd has plenty of privacy in there. She's not going in there to sleep because she's uncomfortable, she's lounging around and eating food. She could do that in her own room, in the lounge room, in the garden.

I agree with you, that would drive me mad. My DD sometimes sits on my bed to dry her hair but always straightens the bed and tidies etc... still drives me mad. I just like my room to be a sanctuary, and I like it to be how i left it when I woke up! tidy.

Its a difficult one but YANBU. She has a bedroom of her own at her own home and I'm sure she wouldn't like it if someone else kept using it.
Could you put a divider cube unit between their beds so they each have a sense of privacy?

Obviously if its possible to divide the shared bedroom that would be the best option (by curtain/furniture/building in a wall etc). But surely OP would have already done that if it was remotely possible. No parents would force teen opposite sex children (where one is clearly displaying their discomfort by refusing to spend time in there) to share if there was a possible other solution, surely?

In any case, I suspect DSDs visits will stop now, so problem solved.

Would it really have been so hard for you to share your space from time to time? You get to live with her Dad full time - you get the best deal anyway

This is a very skewed view.

It’s not just her Dad’s room, it’s OP’s too. OP doesn’t have something DSD doesn’t. This isn’t about who gets to spend more time with Dad.

There are four of them in a two bedroomed space.

I really don’t see why DSD is more comfortable during the day in her dad and stepmother’s room than her own room, albeit shared, if it’s likely to be empty anyway. I can only assume OP’s room is a bit nicer. DSD can lounge on a single bed.

So maybe make their bedroom a bit nicer even if you can’t make it bigger or divide it. That might make her more likely to want to spend time there during the day. Or you can get bookshelf type dividers that can could go between their beds.

This could be part of your next conversation with her OP? Not just that she’s not allowed in your room but about what you could do to make her room more comfortable for her.

It’s not really good enough to says it’s been this way for 10 years, so it’s fine, as the kids weren’t teenagers when they started staying over but they’re now nearly adults.

I actually thought there were rules on different sex siblings sharing a bedroom.

Go make yourself at home in her room. Move stuff about, rummage through stuff. See how she likes her space invaded. Surely you are entitled as it is a room in your home.

I have allowed to share the space and she disrespected it, made a mess and left plates cups everywhere. So now having been asked to tidy up etc she has to deal with the consequences. After reading many replies I don't believe I am being unreasonable in wanting personal space

Yes we've had 10 years to know they will grow up but we don't have spare money to move to a bigger house, why is that so hard to understand. Some people don't have spare money to put into savings and certainly not a spare 100 odd grand.

I spoke to her before she went to work and we are going to look to rearrange their room to see if we can maybe squeeze a small double in for her.

If the room can fit a single and small double bed it can't be too small. Have you talked to her about why she doesn't want to stay in that room during the day? Is it smelly? Trainers under bed stinking the place out?

I can absolutely see why you'd be at the end of your tether with her camped on your bed, and no back-up from husband. But there must be reason she doesn't want to be in her own room, even if she can't put it into words. Does she have a TV in there?

I don't know it will fit s small double till we measure and move things around.

Our room doesn't have a tv their room has a freeview box in it.

She says it's cause our bed is more comfy hence looking to see if small double fits or maybe take her mattress shopping

On a practical note ... if you do decide to let her go back to lounging on your bed, have a complete food ban, but also consider purchasing a bedspread - I know, one of those old-fashioned things - that covers the entire bed down to the floor. Only use it when she's there; and remove it when you go to bed obviously. Then she's not lounging directly on and messing up your bed, she'll be lounging on a removable cover.