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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Aibu regarding bedroom

97 replies

bumblebeetree · 30/05/2019 16:33

So I have 2dsc, they are lovely teenagers and we have a good relationship, see they often and involved, however me and dh are at loggerheads regarding our bedroom.

Dsc have their own room and obviously the house to do as they please however dsd spends all her time lying on our bed, she makes a mess, pulls the sheets off (asssume from moving about etc?) leaves cups and plates up there and eats in our bed leaving crumbs.

Last time this happened I said to her that as she isn’t being respectful of our room she is not to hang out in there, to use her own room.

Dsd was upset by this and had a massive strop and dh thinks I am being unreasonable and unkind to ban her from a room in her home.

I don’t like her being in there anyway, I feel it’s my sanctuary and prefer it not being used as a hang out but I have so far let it go until it is being left in a shit tip. They are due tomorrow and dh is adamant that she should be allowed in there and I am not.

Where do we go from here?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/05/2019 18:55

Siblings can also share a room.. Shock horror... And often have to. Its life, suck it up, it isn't an excuse to trash someone else's room.

ItWentInMyEye · 30/05/2019 19:01

Being a step child aside, she really shouldn't be eating upstairs never mind in your bedroom! It's so gross! My kids know they can't eat upstairs, and that's non negotiable. Assuming you've told her the same before and she's continuing to do so is completely disrespectful. I'd make that one of your main points to DP.

Amibeingdaft81 · 30/05/2019 19:05

You OP indicates they have their own rooms
But a 15 year old girl shares with her 17 year old brother? No wonder she likes your bedroom

I’d allow it but I’d make one strict rule - she is welcome to relax on bed and chill but to leave it as she finds it.

Amibeingdaft81 · 30/05/2019 19:06

Oh and absolutely no eating!!!

Youseethethingis · 30/05/2019 20:42

Nope Nope Nope and another hefty dose of Nope.
She sounds like and entitled PITA and her father sounds like a spineless drip who is afraid to put his child in her place. He’s also not respecting you or your boundaries.
This would really bother me too, OP. Time to make a stand. It’s not all about DSD - you matter too.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 30/05/2019 21:02

Leave some sex toys out on the bed. Maybe a whip and some lube too. Oh and and a few scrunched up tissues for extra EEEEWWW factor.

I guarantee DSD will never set foot in there again.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 31/05/2019 00:05

I understand your frustration. Being perfectly honest, it sounds as though your home isn't really suitable for the family. Her wantkng to go into your room is a natural desire for a girl of that age to have some privacy - especially when she has to share a bedroom with her brother. It's an age where kids are self-conscious, and have a natural desire to get some distance between themselves and siblings / parents / step-parents. My daughters are 12 and 14 - they have lots of space at my place, but their mum lives in a small 2 bed house. I know my youngest often goes and relaxes in her mum's room, because itngives her space away from her sister, her mum, and her mum's husband. So it's probably not an uncommon reaction - and those are two girls sharing a room, rather than opposite sex siblings.

So, I think you need to look at how you can recognise and meet that underlying need. Think creatively - is there room in the garden to put up a large shed, run power out to it, and kit it out as a teenage den? How about a garage? Can you afford a loft conversion? Can you play about with their room to increase privacy?

I suspeft that if you simply put your foot down, your step-kids may become increasingly unwilling to come over, if they can't carve out any privacy for themselves when in your house. That will be what their dad is worried about.

So, while I totally get your annotlyance at having your room used like this, try to find a response that understands where your step daughter is coming from, rather than just laying down the law. She'll be far more likely to respect where you're coming from if she sees that you're also respecting where she's coming from.

Magda72 · 31/05/2019 00:50

Hi @bumblebeetree, how often are they with you? I ask because I think that would influence where you go from here.

Spanglyprincess1 · 31/05/2019 05:14

Lots of people share. Where we are, and by the sound of it as op has said they can't afford it, the cost of a 4 bed house as opposed to a 3 is 150k min more. I'm assuming it's similar numbers for ops move from a 2 to a 3.
Who funds this? Op doesn't need the space.
My dh moaned about needing more room for his kids who are here one day a week and eow, and I told him I was happy to move somewhere bigger if he found the cost difference in housing. Silence.
Sometimes economics are what they are and that is the reality of the situation.
Op doesn't have to share her room at all, she is an adult paying half the bills and more than entitled to her room which she shares with her dp being private.

thisisadistraction · 31/05/2019 05:50

My dc aren't allowed to hang out in my room. It's mine! I assume you pay for your house too, it's not just his decision. It's got nothing to do with banning her from a room in her home, it's not a communal space.

TheBrockmans · 31/05/2019 07:26

I would start with a total ban on food in your bedroom for everyone unless ill. That might reduce the appeal and then needing the room at various times during the day. It would also be dh's responsibility to change the sheets and bedding.

Jumpyy · 31/05/2019 13:30

I'm surprised their mother allows it

Why on Earth would their mother need to 'allow' anything? It's not her business if they have to share rooms when they are with their father.

OP I'd be with you. Fine to pop in if you're in there and they need something but lounging around and making the place untidy, no. They have their own room for that.

Outanabout · 31/05/2019 15:45

I certainly had a say about how my children were cared for when with my ex, as he had when they were with me. It is not suitable for teenagers of opposite sex to be sharing a room. Some teenage boys wank non-stop, judging by the jokes I've heard from the parents of boys. Are boys not entitled to privacy when their hormones are raging? Are girls not entitled to privacy when dealing with periods?

AliceRR · 31/05/2019 15:48

It is not suitable for teenagers of opposite sex to be sharing a room.

I think most agree it’s not ideal but what’s the solution? That they don’t come over? That OP and her partner by a bigger house (which they can’t afford)? Or is OP supposed to sleep in the garage so the kids can each have their own room.

Oceanbliss · 31/05/2019 16:04

Bedrooms aren't usually viewed as communal shared spaces in a home. Perhaps explain that you respect that their bedroom is their personal space and you would like that reciprocated. And reassure him that it is not about choosing sides between his dd and you but about setting some boundaries that ensure that parents bedroom is respected as being the parents bedroom and teens bedroom will also be respected as teens bedroom.

Ineedaweeinpeace · 31/05/2019 16:06

Yanbu children only in our room when poorly or invited to spend time watching a film etc with us.

You wouldn’t do that to their room... so. DH Is BU

Chucklecheeks1 · 31/05/2019 16:35

The privacy you crave is probably what ahe is craving too going in to your room. Is there a conprimise to be met? No food or drink and she leaves it as she finds it?

Try this for a few weeks and then reassess when you can see if she follows the rules.

I appreciate there is no third bedroom and the kids will have to comprise, but I think you have to be part of the comprimise too.

Spanglyprincess1 · 31/05/2019 16:42

Outandabout- no the mother doesn't have a say she may have an opinion on it but that isn't a say. As older teenagers they have a say in if they want to go or not. Indeed after 14 they can cease visitation at all if they choose.
They are clearly happy, although it isn't ideal, as they are still going. It is normal for a lot of families esp in expensive real estate areas.
I hope you've sorted it op

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 16:53

No, I definitely don't allow anyone else in our bedroom. Maybe just the dgc if they need a bath (in the ensuite). OP should maybe have her dsc on different weekends, so that each has exclusive use of their bedroom? Or she needs to spend a lot of time in her bedroom herself?

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 31/05/2019 16:55

I can't believe people are still saying DSD should be allowed to OP's private space. Of course she shouldn't. It's rude and an intrusion.

She can slob out in her own bedroom or go home.

Unbelievable attitude you get here to step children. They are not gods and goddesses and are lower down the pecking order than the resident adults.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 31/05/2019 17:00

I wouldn’t be happy with this either. My dc come into my room, but I wouldn’t have my dd hanging about in there, and I’d certainly not have her eating it drinking on the bed.

cranstonmanor · 31/05/2019 17:01

I hate it, i don’t want to have to tidy up and remake beds before I can get into bed at night

Why doesn't DH do that if it's so important to him that she uses your room?

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2019 17:04

I’d have been grabbing dh tidy the room and make the bed every night when I wanted to go to bed. She hasn’t been respecting it and I just don’t think I’d negotiate this anymore. You have a right to your space. Get a lock on the door and dh only gets a key if he gets on board. (& be prepared to change the lock a few times)

mrsm43s · 31/05/2019 17:04

I think that its reasonable that your DSD wants some space away from the bedroom she shares with her brother. I also think its reasonable that you don't want crumbs in your bed, or the sheets pulled off.

With my children, if they didn't have their own space otherwise (and a bedroom shared with a sibing is not "own space" even if he's not currently occupying it), then I would let them use my room.

The message that you send by telling her that she is unwelcome in her Dad's (and your) bedroom is that she's unwelcome in a chunk of her Dad's house and life. Dramatic, maybe, but these are kids who have gone through parental separation, new step parents, and who are being squeezed into inadequate accommodation. Maybe they can be cut a little slack for the time (presumably EOW or similar?) that they spend with you.

Setting ground rules such as no eating in the bedroom, and leaving it tidy is fairer, and less likely to make her feel pushed out. Assuming that she treated the room with respect, would you still have an issue with her in there? If so, why?

Balloondog · 31/05/2019 17:06

YANBU! It's weird and very disrespectful for you DSD to not only be using your bedroom but leaving it in a state.

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