Hello all and thank you for reading!
Mine is kind of an unconventional story. I met my boyfriend 6 1/2 years ago at the beginning of my extremely long and complicated divorce. I have three kids: 15, 13, and 11. He has a 15 1/2 year old daughter. He lives an hour away from me and we have always had it at the heart of our relationship that we did not want a blended family. I do not want to live with anyone as long as my kids are under my roof and he shares this opinion. We also didn't want to disrupt our kids' lives etc... BUT, we differed on one thing: I felt that we should at least be open with our kids about our relationship because I grew up with stepparents and had a wonderful experience with them and I also grew up with the idea that it's important to have many different people and influences in your life, the more the merrier. He grew up in a hugely overprotective environment, his parents are almost hermits who never socialize with anyone and he didn't come from a divorced background, so he was sceptical about stepparenting being positive. He thought it would create more problems than it being a positive experience.
His daughter always suspected he was with someone and I think my kids did too, we just never went any further. We would see each other every other week when our kids were with their other parent. And, honestly, it worked out well. When she turned 13, I started getting her gifts for her bday and she really appreciated it. She knew very well they were from me and she started hinting to him that she'd like to meet me, but he was never fully ready to take that leap.
His daughter has a very tumultuous and rollercoaster of a relationship with her mother, at times violent, and she finally came to live with him full time 9 months ago. This threw our relationship for a huge loop because he could only come and see me when she was sleeping over at a friend's, which was maybe once a month. I told him that it was maybe a good time for me to meet her, so at least we could do things together on the weekends.
I finally got that chance 2 1/2 months ago when he broke his leg skiing. His daughter openly asked to meet me and for me to come and help them so that his parents weren't coming all the time. I got into the routine of going out there one day a weekend and Tuesday and Thursday evenings to bring food and help with the house stuff on the weeks I didn't have my kids. I haven't spent the night yet, even though his daughter has hinted that she would like me to, but my boyfriend doesn't feel that she's ready for that. When he could go out again end of April, we started having outings together with his daughter. And, then he finally went back to work in May, so I wasn't sure where our routine would stand. So far, I've been going out there on the weekend at least one day and I still go out there one weeknight every other week, but his daughter always asks him why I don't come out on Tuesday like I did before.
I guess I've just been waiting for them to ask me, I don't want to impose.
I get along really well with his daughter. I'm a rather intuitive person and I'm gathering that she is looking for a female in her life she can put trust in. My boyfriend gets home from work very late, sometimes as late as 9:30 or 10 and I'm gathering that maybe she'd just like some company from time to time.
A couple weeks ago he asked me to pick her up from her music lessons because he couldn't get back in time. I didn't have her cell phone number to tell her where I was parked, so I had to go through him to call her. I thought maybe that was the ideal time for us to exchange numbers, but it didn't happen. We finally exchanged numbers this past weekend when she needed to send me something to correct in French (I'm a French teacher) and she asked for my number. And, here is where I'm a bit lost on the boundary issue.
I had a very close relationship with my stepmum and we are still friends even though she's no longer with my dad. We planned a trip together when I was 16, we called each other often...my mum or dad didn't really intervene in our relationship. So, I guess that's the model I had growing up. I feel like a child's relationship with the people in their lives is personal.
This morning, my boyfriend tells me that his daughter asked (again) why I didn't come last night. Well, no one asked me to! So, I told him that she could have texted me and she needs something she can text me. My boyfriend got a bit upset and said that it wasn't her place to text me, that it needed to go through him. I felt kind of weird, like I had done something wrong, after he said that.
I guess I feel like at 15 1/2 she's old enough to ask me to come over, which is what I would prefer, I don't ever want my presence to be a burden to her. I'd prefer it come from her. And by the time it gets to my boyfriend and he texts me, it's usually always too late.
So, now I hesitate to even write any text messages at all even to wish her good luck on a test or show her a shirt I found at a store that she may like (which I've been doing for years but it's always gone through my boyfriend) because maybe that's not the relationship that my boyfriend wants me to have with her? Or maybe that's just a boundary I shouldn't cross yet? It's a weird situation because I'm a new stepmom but at the same time I feel like I've known her for 6 years because I've known her through him. My boyfriend says he's so happy that it's working out and that she has another person she can trust in and that it was the right timing to introduce her to me and that's important for her to have me in her life.
I guess I just need help knowing my role and my boundaries. Do I try to connect with her or do I let my boyfriend lead the way? Do I give it more time? I'm just so happy to finally get to meet her, I feel like I'm making up for lost time, but don't want to go too fast because I want everyone to be comfortable. But, I feel like she'd like more involvement on my parent but maybe my boyfriend isn't comfortable with that yet.
Thanks for your advice!