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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My teenagers hate my new boyfriend

84 replies

KatieSuz · 12/05/2019 11:44

I'm hoping this is one other people can relate to and help with.

I've been separated from my kids dad for a year and we're almost fully divorced. I've been seeing a new man for several months now and he's extremely patient and kind to my kids, even though they're just rude to him all the time.

I understand that my kids are still reeling from the divorce and him and I are both very conscious of this. We always give the kids advanced notice if he's coming over and try to limit his visits to once a week, but they're just so unyielding.

They don't need to love him, (although I do, so I hope they warm to him over time). I do however think they should be polite. I'm just not sure how to make that happen without starting WW3. They're 15 and 18.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated!!!

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/05/2019 11:48

I would say that’s a pretty short time to have separated from their father and already be seeing somebody and forcing them to accept it. Whilst yes, they shouldn’t be rude, I think you need to be a little less self-focused with this and have a little more understanding and patience with them.

NC4Now · 12/05/2019 11:48

I’m almost a year separated too, with teenagers slightly younger than yours - 17 and 13. It still feels way too soon to be introducing them to anyone new.
I’ve done a bit of casual dating when they aren’t around, but neither of them is ready to see me lived up with someone else.
We’re still adjusting to being a family of three.
My advice would be to keep them separate for now. Date out of the house, or when they aren’t there. And focus on your children first. They need to be your priority (and know that they are).

NC4Now · 12/05/2019 11:48

*loved up

Original poster
KatieSuz · 12/05/2019 11:53

Am I being selfish moving on? Their dad (who they hardly see because he was so emotionally abusive) also has a new partner who he can see whenever he likes because he never has the children. I am a full time single parent 24/7, so it's impossible to date without them around.

OP posts:
Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 12/05/2019 11:57

I agree it's a short space of time to make them accept it.

However they should be polite.

But then again, I dont really get how it's impossible to date without them around at 15 and 18.

Personally I would reduce his visits to the house

Echobelly · 12/05/2019 11:57

You're not being selfish at all.

Were the kids on the receiving end of their father's emotional abusiveness of just you/ did they see him being abusive to you?

Could it be that they don't trust men now because of that, and are being harsh to your new chap because they see it as trying to protect you from him, given their poor experience of their own dad?

I think if so you may have to keep him at arms' length, explaining they've had a bad experience with their dad and you think they're being protective but will get over it, only it needs time and space.

anothernotherone · 12/05/2019 11:58

If they're 15 and 18 of course you can date when they aren't around, as you can go out without them! Go out on dates, go to his place. It is too much to expect them to be happy to see your new boyfriend wearing your dressing gown in the kitchen on Sunday morning, or to spend Saturday evening watching his choice of TV while you snuggle up to him on the sofa - far too much to ask of your children.

Their dad's clearly behaving like an arsehole, but you don't have to.

LatentPhase · 12/05/2019 11:59

Can you not give them time? Seems like maybe they feel it’s disloyal to accept your new boyfriend. Maybe it makes them feel their dad is ‘replaceable’

Do they spend time at their Dad’s? Can you not see him away from the dc, when they are off with their dad?

Reckon time is needed gere

LatentPhase · 12/05/2019 11:59

here

FriarTuck · 12/05/2019 12:01

You've been separated for a year but seeing new man for several months - that's not a big gap and obviously not long enough for them. Just because their father was emotionally abusive doesn't mean they didn't love him or on some level want the two of you back together. See him away from home - it's not like they can't be left alone. Don't push them to accept him because you'll just push them away.

Floralnomad · 12/05/2019 12:02

At their ages they can be left alone for evenings etc so no reason at all why you cannot date etc just don’t bring him home this early on .

Jiggies · 12/05/2019 12:02

Their parents have separated, their dad has moved out and they're now expected to spend time with your new boyfriend all within a year. It's not selfish of you to move on but they clearly aren't ready and I wouldn't try to involve them in your new relationship yet. At 15 and 18 you don't need to be around 24/7. They're old enough to be left alone while you go on dates/to his place and they'd probably prefer you did that.

Sexnotgender · 12/05/2019 12:04

You’re not selfish moving on at all.

These things take time though. There’s no excuse for rudeness.

NC4Now · 12/05/2019 12:06

Not selfish to move on but too much to ask of your children. Go to his, go out for dinner, whatever. They can be left at this age.
Loads of us are full time single parents but it isn’t the children’s fault and their needs and feelings count too.

Drum2018 · 12/05/2019 12:10

YANBU to move on, however I think it's a bit soon to have another man stay over at your house. Have you sat down with the kids and discussed how they even feel about this new situation? You can see this new man without bringing him home if your children are not ready for that. Does he live alone? Can you visit him there?

ukgift2016 · 12/05/2019 12:12

Yes you have moved on quick and it's not fair for your children to see a new man in the house in such a short amount of time.

Considering your children ages, I am shocked you do "do not have time" to see your boyfriend on your own.

abellanoa · 12/05/2019 12:28

You're not selfish and are completely entitled to start seeing someone new. Your kids are old enough to understand, even if they don't like it. Be sensitive and considerate but don't tolerate rudeness. This is coming from someone who was in exactly the same position as your kids and I hated the new fella, I don't know why but I also had no real idea or empathy of what dm was feeling. Looking back I know I was an arse but that's just how I felt and completely normal. You're both feeling normal things, carry on as you are and as long as you stay empathetic to their feelings they'll get used to it and adjust pretty sharp! Your 18 yo is an adult, have a heart to heart but to the point conversation?

lunar1 · 12/05/2019 12:37

Keep him away from their home. They are old enough that you can have a relationship and date, they don't need constant supervision presumably?its too much too soon for them.

Sexnotgender · 12/05/2019 12:38

Keep him away from their home.

Curious as to why?

Original poster
KatieSuz · 12/05/2019 12:38

Thank you Abellonia. I was starting to feel bashed!!

I’m completely committed to my kids first but have to move on too. My kids don’t go to their dads and I live on the other side of the country from my family so they can’t help out either.

I want to do what’s best for everyone but I can’t put my life on hold forever either.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 12/05/2019 12:43

They’re 15 and 18 - what help from family could you possibly need? Surely not babysitting?

anothernotherone · 12/05/2019 12:43

KatieSuz why do you need family to help out with an 18 and 15 year old so you can date?

Is there some reason you can't leave your 15 and 18 year olds home alone while you go out?

CinnabarRed · 12/05/2019 12:43

And no-one’s suggesting that you don’t see your BF - just do it elsewhere.

youreonmylastnerve · 12/05/2019 12:45

You're children don't need babysat and you haven't been bashed. You've had lots of good advice, such as go to his. Your kids world has been turned upside down in the last year.

And this isn't a step parenting issue. He's your new boyfriend - nothing to your kids.

Fairylea · 12/05/2019 12:48

I am a remarried divorcee so I certainly don’t think you should put your life on hold or that you’re selfish but I do agree it’s too soon for your boyfriend to be around your kids. As others have said, go out without them, they can be left at home alone! Just make sure you balance it out with spending time with them too. Gradually things might become easier.