My teenagers hate my new boyfriend

[KatieSuz]

I'm hoping this is one other people can relate to and help with.

I've been separated from my kids dad for a year and we're almost fully divorced. I've been seeing a new man for several months now and he's extremely patient and kind to my kids, even though they're just rude to him all the time.

I understand that my kids are still reeling from the divorce and him and I are both very conscious of this. We always give the kids advanced notice if he's coming over and try to limit his visits to once a week, but they're just so unyielding.

They don't need to love him, (although I do, so I hope they warm to him over time). I do however think they should be polite. I'm just not sure how to make that happen without starting WW3. They're 15 and 18.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated!!!

L1nkedOut I am single parent. I am not judging you. But you are saying you cared about what everyone else said. But the OP shouldnt care what her kids think. Despite this happening their own home.

I get why you wouldnt want to keep meeting at hotels. My point is that simply, how these teenagers feel, matters.

It is not to soon to be dating. It is too soon to be bringing relationships into your home. Date outside of the house and give your kids time to settle and process the divorce.

In answer to the original post the answer may be never.

I bumped into an old school friend a couple of years ago. She had been in the position of your 15 year old. The new man made her feel awkward in her own home so she spent a lot of time at ours.

She still didn't have much or anything to do with the man her DM is with even though she was in her 30s then had DC of her own.

Why don't you go and have dates and sex at his place then come home to your DC to sleep? You could even probably leave a 15 and 18 year old home alone overnight on a Saturday. No need for them to see him at all.

I didnt say she shouldnt care about her teenagers!! I never said that. But it is her home and im assuming that they are being minful of the situation. That is a given id say as she started this thread. Realistically her options are continue or end it and feel resentful/lonely/trapped/frustrated. Or maybe relieved. I have ended relationships and felt relief.

In my case i cared about an incorrect rumour that i was sleeping with a married man yes. And my response to that was to end the relationship not to bring him home 😣. Not just because of what my mum's circle might have been chattering about beh8nd her back but because his reaction. He didnt see it through my eyes or my mum's eyes at all. I knew/know that if my mum knew that her own friends and acquaintances believed i was sleeping with a married man it would have distressed her a lot. And i was not thrilled.

Show some empathy !

So when years later, four actually, when four years later i had a relationship he came back to the house and that was the right decision as at that point id been single a decade nearly and my kids had never seen me with a man so i needed them to just contemplate the idea. My daughter is very open and honest with me so i dont regret the way ive handled things.
That was about 6 years ago btw.

They haven’t chosen him, I hated my df’s perfectly nice gf just because I was selfish and she was a stranger in the home I didn’t want.

You should definitely concentrate on being a couple.

L1nkedOut I am sorry you seem so offended that I disagree with you.

I do have empathy for your situation. I am simply pointing out, that your situation you cared about gossip and your mums opinion. But dont seem to think the ops kids opinions should be taken into account.

I am a single parent. Dating is hard, especially if the children dont stay elsewhere. I get it.

But I also have empathy with the kids, whose parents have split, quite recently, having to spend time with a man who is just there to shag their mum. Because the OP isnt talking about dating. She can date with children of that age. Easily.

Either she is choosing not to, or this is actually about sex, rather than dating. If she is simply choosing to not date without having the kids there and the kids are unhappy about it, then that's ridiculous.

I never judged your situation. You assumed I did, just because I disagree that the ops children's opinions should be put by the wayside. If they are unhappy, she needs to find a way to navigate it without pushing them away. And at 15 and 18, she has lots of options to do this so they are happy and she is too.

It might just mean slowing down.

Omg are you this argumentative?
How do we disagree?

😣

You read a lack of responsibilty in to my posts where there is none.

You read my posts as 'advice to the OP' to ignore her teens' feelings. 🤔
Nowhere did I say that or anything like "ignore teens' feelings"

I forget that a lot of posters on mumsnet just love to pick others' posts apart for sport. It has been a while since ive been on the receiving end of such wilful misinterpretation though so i do forget.

I want to do what’s best for everyone but I can’t put my life on hold forever either

You havent put your life on hold at all You separated from your DH and are almost divorced. Those are monumental life events. Supporting your DC through those events is another vital stage in yours and their lives. Those may not be the aspects of life you would choose to focus on but that's the direction your life has taken and they are all part of life's rich tapestry!

You chose to add dating into that time period as well. And not just 'dating'- a new, full-on relationship. Perhaps that was too much too soon. Perhaps your dcs needed more time and attention from you.

Or perhaps they simply needed a period of stability after one of the biggest life events any young person can experience.

I imagine you feel that your life was already "on hold" whilst you were still married- so the clock was already running long before you actually separated. But not for your children. You should have worked to their timescales.

I think that if you had put the relationship side of life on hold for a bit longer, and focused more on the 'supporting your dcs through separation' side of life, you might have been in a position to build a new relationship now, and everyone would have been happier.