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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My teenagers hate my new boyfriend

84 replies

KatieSuz · 12/05/2019 11:44

I'm hoping this is one other people can relate to and help with.

I've been separated from my kids dad for a year and we're almost fully divorced. I've been seeing a new man for several months now and he's extremely patient and kind to my kids, even though they're just rude to him all the time.

I understand that my kids are still reeling from the divorce and him and I are both very conscious of this. We always give the kids advanced notice if he's coming over and try to limit his visits to once a week, but they're just so unyielding.

They don't need to love him, (although I do, so I hope they warm to him over time). I do however think they should be polite. I'm just not sure how to make that happen without starting WW3. They're 15 and 18.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated!!!

OP posts:
Jiggies · 12/05/2019 12:48

You haven't listened to a thing anyone other than the one person supporting you has said. You're completely entitled to move on. Your children are 18 and 15 years old and they don't need a babysitter to facilitate your dating life. You have only been separated for a year, your children are almost adults and not a single person has suggested that you shouldn't be dating so I'm not sure why you feel anyone has suggested you put your life on hold forever.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 12/05/2019 12:52

You're kids clearly aren't coping with the situation, have you asked them why?

You're absolutely entitled to move on but our kids probably don't need to know about it just yet! Too much too soon for them. Presumably they're also doing exams etc, have their own relationships - that is a huge amount for anyone to deal with.

yearinyearout · 12/05/2019 12:59

Why do you need help from family? They don't need babysitting at that age. In fact I would be happy to leave them together overnight as long as they get on well. Nobody is saying you can't date someone but the dc really don't need to get involved at all at this stage.

titchy · 12/05/2019 13:00

but I can’t put my life on hold forever either.

No one has suggested you do. Hmm Merely have a little consideration for how your children must be feeling and do something about it. Which given their ages is piss easy.

LatentPhase · 12/05/2019 13:06

You’re finding out I guess, that men can move on more quickly, ‘because they can’ and not it’s not fair.

It doesn’t mean you can’t too. You just have the kids to consider. So it’ll take longer.

Why can’t you date in the evenings?

lunar1 · 12/05/2019 13:06

@Sexnotgender, because he's new. It's only been a year since their parents separated. Yes the op is entitled to move on, but for right now that can and should be done without affecting her children. Their feelings come into this as well and they clearly aren't coping.

L1nkedOut · 12/05/2019 13:09

You are not being selfish. I have been dovorced much longer but my kids are the same age. I have had my boyfriend back but only at the end of an evening. I dont try to do the all sitting around together stuff.

Aprillygirl · 12/05/2019 13:16

Blimey OP you only separated from your kids dad a year ago-a man that they rarely see because he is emotionally abusive. No wonder the poor things are wary.Their own dad was a twat. so why on earth would they expect someone who isn't their own flesh and blood to be any better? Date your boyfriend by all means,go out together and have fun but don't foist them onto your kids,it is much much too soon for that.

Hwory · 12/05/2019 13:20

I think you need to put your efforts into making sure your kids are okay following living with their abusive father and the aftermath of his leaving not forcing your new boyfriend on them.

TanMateix · 12/05/2019 13:26

It is fair for you to move on and it is also fair for the kids not to be interested in your boyfriend (they are teenagers after all so they many times want to stay in their own world) but it may help for them not to spend much time together. And yes, rudeness to anyone should not be tolerated, the fact that he is your boyfriend is irrelevant, it is rudeness all the same and should be dealt with as usual.

I agree you do not need to put your life in hold for them, especially as they are becoming more independent and less interested in spending time with you so no much point to be there for them 100% when they only need a 50%.

I’m an early bird and so is my boyfriend, so we have developed a relationship over walks and breakfasts out while the teen was sleeping late on weekends and nights out when he is away.

You cannot hide a boyfriend for ever but I think that when it comes to these things it is key that they see him as a friend/companion of mum, friend of the family rather that a stepdad in the making, at the end of the day, one is an adult already and the other one will be in a few years time so nobody is going to become a parent to them at this late stage. A good friendship is enough.

Biancadelrioisback · 12/05/2019 13:32

It sounds like you've just got things a bit wrong. It's early days, you clearly feel like you need to be there for your kids physically (still can't work out what's support you need with them from family considering one of them is an adult and the other a teenager), but you haven't given them the space they need to process what's going on before youve forced your new BF in their lives.
Tbh, step back. Tell BF you can only see him on X days and not at yours. Spend some more time one on one with your kids and talk to them, find out what's going on, make sure they know that you haven't just jumped into bed with the first man youve seen and make sure they know that they are loved.

MummyBear2352 · 12/05/2019 13:39

Its a tricky one, on the one hand your kids are old enough not to be 'forced' into spending time with your fella but on the other hand it's your home and you'd expect your kids to be civil to your guests no matter who they are. I'd sit them both down and ask them exactly what their issues are and, taking these into account, lay some ground rules for when he visits. Yes they are your kids and the past year must have been difficult for them, but at 15 and 18 they are old enough to understand that you need to get on with your life. If as you say your partner is nothing but pleasant to them they really need to put up and shut up, it won't be long before they have flown the nest so to speak.

thethoughtfox · 12/05/2019 13:52

Do not invite him into their home, their safe space.

cocomelon23 · 12/05/2019 13:55

They can be left alone at their ages! You have no reason not to date.

Jiggies · 12/05/2019 13:57

@MummyBear2352

Why bother having children if you're not even willing to do the bare minimum required (seeing your boyfriend elsewhere for a bit while they come to terms with the divorce and the dad leaving) for the sake of their wellbeing?

Aprillygirl · 12/05/2019 14:04

MummyBear it is also OP's kids' home is it not? OP in what way exactly are your kids rude to your new fella? Because if they're not wanting to acknowledge him or engage in small talk then that is entirely up to them, isn't it? If,however they are swearing at him and/or calling him names that is a different matter.

youreonmylastnerve · 12/05/2019 14:05

they really need to put up and shut up, it won't be long before they have flown the nest so to speak.

Cracking attitude to helping two emotionally abused kids.

If it's not so long til they fly the nest, maybe OP could wait til then before bringing an unknown man into their home.

Ragwort · 12/05/2019 14:10

Far too soon to be bringing a new boyfriend home, why can’t you date outside the house? Or is he staying overnight? Hmm

I think your DC are in a very difficult situation, and however irrational we know it is I am sure that many of us feel uncomfortable about our parents’ sex life, your DC are no different.......so no need to ‘flaunt’ a new boyfriend.

L1nkedOut · 12/05/2019 14:19

@ragwort, realistically it isn't always possible. I'm seeing a man who lives with his elderly father. I don't want to go there. He has said I can if I want but then I'd have to arrange an over night babysitter for my teenage DC.

I think when you're single and you need a bit of adult support, you can feel a bit drained, like all your tanks are empty and you aren't even ''allowed'' to have a relationship. I know I"ve felt like that. Luckily now my DC know that I'm not about to try and 'force' anything, like no Sunday lunches.

In a perfect world if their father ever had them I could keep the two worlds entirely private but actually, on reflection, it's worked out well because although I would never burden my dd with too much information I have said ''oh it ended with x because he always let me down at the last minute'' and I think it's been good for her to see that a woman has the right to end a relationship. Also, the bf that comes to our house now, she hears us laughing so she knows he is like my 'friend' and we're very easy around each other. Good messages.

Often I read things on mumsnet and the posters might be married themselves (to their children's fathers) and they honestly just have no idea of 1) the practicalities of dating with DC 2) the relentlessness of parenting and loving without any love or support and 3) that their own marriage might be having an impact on their DC. Certainly my own parents marriage left a mark on me and they congratulate themselves . SO, hmm. Lots of things to consider really and often, married posters aren't considering them all.

TeaForTheWin · 12/05/2019 14:23

I would have said it was too soon before you mentioned about your ex being emotionally abusive. Certainly wouldn't be jumping into any kind of close relationship so soon after coming out of an emotionally abusive one. That's a recipe for disaster. The fact your kids don't like him should also perhaps be a red flag.

All that aside, if I was your kids I'd feel very uncomfortable with some random man coming into my home and hanging out in my space when he has barely known my mum a few months. And if your kids are girls - it is really inappropriate. Do you not realise some random in their space is going to be creepy and uncomfortable for them?

By all means, have some fun but..I certainly wouldn't be taking him back to where your kids are when you barely know him and it isn't even something serious.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 12/05/2019 14:39

I am a single parent to 2 DC. One teenage one 8.

I know exactly how hard it is. I dont speak to my own family. I also date.

So yes, lots of us do know what its like.

My ds met dp the same day I did. Because it was at my friends bbq. We didn't start dating for a while. The kids dad doesnt bother with our youngest as he is 'too much hard work'.

I havent ever forced ds to spend time with dp. Nor would I have dp at the house if it bothered ds.

Kids needs time. Saying that you cany date unless the dp can come to the house is ridiculous. The OP doesnr need baby sitters, or family help.

I assuming the dp stays over and what she actually means is that her and her boyfriend/do cant spend the night together. As she wont leave the kids over night.

But I think the kids feeling do need to be considered. It's their home too.

OP, was it also the family home?

Ragwort · 12/05/2019 14:40

I am not saying that single parents should never date, or bring a serious boyfriend home, but surely just knowing someone for a few months is a very short time & I can fully understand how difficult it is for teenage children (probably even harder than for younger children)?

My friend’s ex H went off with one of her friends, the ex still finds it hard to understand why the children (Teens) don’t want to stay overnight if the GF is staying over. Hmm.

TanMateix · 12/05/2019 14:50

No, 7 months is not a very short time when you are older, more settled and now what you want or not.

youreonmylastnerve · 12/05/2019 15:04

She's hardly settled. She's split from her husband only a year ago.

And she said several months. Not seven. We've no idea how much time they've actually spent together in those months. Not a lot, if the details are anything to go by.

TanMateix · 12/05/2019 15:17

Every story is different, she is a grown up with almost adult teenagers not a young 20something with plenty of things to achieve and discover before deeming her boyfriend serious enough to meet the family.

And yes, you can be very settled after divorce, especially if you have been in an unhappy marriage for many years.