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Original poster

My teenagers hate my new boyfriend

84 replies

KatieSuz · 12/05/2019 11:44

I'm hoping this is one other people can relate to and help with.

I've been separated from my kids dad for a year and we're almost fully divorced. I've been seeing a new man for several months now and he's extremely patient and kind to my kids, even though they're just rude to him all the time.

I understand that my kids are still reeling from the divorce and him and I are both very conscious of this. We always give the kids advanced notice if he's coming over and try to limit his visits to once a week, but they're just so unyielding.

They don't need to love him, (although I do, so I hope they warm to him over time). I do however think they should be polite. I'm just not sure how to make that happen without starting WW3. They're 15 and 18.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated!!!

OP posts:
MummyBear2352 · 12/05/2019 15:24

@Jiggies

One is 18 years old and a fully fledged adult.

The other is 15 years old and not an ickle kid anymore.

The lady is entitled to have an adult relationship with another adult, because her adult child does not like it and her teenager doesn’t like it, does not mean they get to dictate to her whether or not she is entitled to choose a relationship for herself or not.

youreonmylastnerve · 12/05/2019 15:27

Maybe. But OP herself calls him a "new" boyfriend. They are nowhere near settled, seeing each once or twice a week.

And OP obviously doesn't consider her kids near adults as she won't leave them alone to see her boyfriend. Although I think this is the wrong approach.

choli · 12/05/2019 15:39

I don't want to go there. He has said I can if I want but then I'd have to arrange an over night babysitter for my teenage DC.

Seriously? If your teens need a babysitter you have failed as a parent

youreonmylastnerve · 12/05/2019 15:44

@choli her dc could be 13 and 14. I wouldn't be leaving them alone overnight either.

Jiggies · 12/05/2019 15:45

The lady is entitled to have an adult relationship with another adult, because her adult child does not like it and her teenager doesn’t like it, does not mean they get to dictate to her whether or not she is entitled to choose a relationship for herself or not.

This attitude will do nothing but alienate them though. But if your right to have a man over while your children are still reeling from their parents' divorce is so important that you'd be willing to damage your relationship with them over it, fair enough. I would chose differently.

Jiggies · 12/05/2019 15:45

Choose*

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2019 15:59

I dont understand how you can't date with them around at their ages. Are you inviting him to your home for sex? Is this it? When they are there? He is staying over?

Because it's perfectly plausible for you to date without them present. 15 and 18 year olds can be left alone for an evening whilst you go out to dinner or the cinema of whatever.

poweroverme · 12/05/2019 16:05

To all who think theses dc aren't children, I wonder how much they heard and had to tolerate through the break up and divorce?... How much bad mouthing and tension. Then to have some one come stay over at least once a week, changing the dynamics of the home they knew for so long and for what.

What did they gain out of all this?
Yes you deserve to live life but at what cost? And why so quickly.
You can't force people to like people and so fast, you need to take two huge steps back and start again.
Or crack on and miss your dc, because there will come a time when you want them to choose you and they wont because of this.

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2019 16:06

Op, your time line is fuzzy. How long after separating did this man actually meet your kids, and when did he start coming o the house, and when did he start staying over if that's the case.

And when he comes over what happens? As in what do you do and where are the kids?

And is this the family home?

MummyBear2352 · 12/05/2019 16:19

@Aprillygirl

Yes, however presumably they have to follow parents rules about all manner of other things, being respectful to parents, bedtimes, keeping the place tidy etc etc because ultimately the parent pays for the home and therefore gets to set the rules. IMO this also applies to how they react and respond to guests of the parents. These aren't small children and no-one has said that they have to like mums partner...being civil to someone you might not particularly like is something we all have to do, it's part of growing up.

Aprillygirl · 12/05/2019 16:22

One is 18 years old and a fully fledged adult.

The other is 15 years old and not an ickle kid anymore.

Jesus Christ, kids (and yes I know 18 is 'technically' an adult,but only just) feelings don't stop mattering once they are teens you know! In fact a couple of toddlers would be far more accepting of a new man coming into than lives than teenagers would.These kids will be more knowing,more wary and more protective. Their feelings should be taken into account too, even though they are not ickle Hmm

LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 12/05/2019 16:23

They are teenage boys - they probably just don't like the idea of a strange bloke coming round to shag their mum in their house where their dad was a few months before.

Aprillygirl · 12/05/2019 16:25

being civil to someone you might not particularly like is something we all have to do, it's part of growing up.

And being sensitive to your kid's feelings,even though it might infringe on your enjoyment is something all mums have to do,it's part of being a parent.

MummyBear2352 · 12/05/2019 16:26

@Jiggies

All people have to get over things regardless... if they are helped to do so in healthy ways, there should not be an issue. It’s called forgiveness and acceptance.

DramaRamaLlama · 12/05/2019 16:30

Just meet him outside the house?

Surely that's easy enough to do until a little more time has past.

L1nkedOut · 12/05/2019 16:32

@ragwort, of course it is difficult for children but REALISTICALLY what do you suggest people do?! Not everybody gets freedom from their children.

Years ago when I was in a relationship with a man we went to a hotel occasionally and it was expensive and it felt seedy. also I was seen by a friend of my mothers who NO DOUBT given the judgmental look on her face assumed he was married rather than that I was trying to avoid my dc asking ''who's he?''.

So I decided not to do that again. Im afraid it's not really possible to know whether a relationship is serious or not or whether or not it will work until you've tried to fit them in to your life. That is a vital test ime. Can they fit in with me and my life and sit around my house doing nothing with me. If you push water up hill to avoid that, you still don't know if you've got a relationship that works in real life. Going out to restaurants, comedy clubs, bars, out for walks, it's all fun, but a really 'real' test is whether or not you can just sit with each other ''at home''.

I have dated a lot (OLD) and I think in the last ten years my kids have met 3 men but two disappeared very quickly and the one I'm with now, I've not gone hell for leather with introductions. Light touch.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 12/05/2019 16:41

Years ago when I was in a relationship with a man we went to a hotel occasionally and it was expensive and it felt seedy. also I was seen by a friend of my mothers who NO DOUBT given the judgmental look on her face assumed he was married rather than that I was trying to avoid my dc asking ''who's he?''

So you cared what your mums friend, who wasnt impacted by your situation at all, thought?

But think the OP should disregard what her kids, who are impacted, think and feel?

Jiggies · 12/05/2019 16:45

@MummyBear2352

Some people get over things by minimising or completely stopping contact with the offending party.

They may well decide they can't or won't forgive and accept their mother's complete disregard for their feelings. A lot of children are estranged from their parents for many reasons.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 12/05/2019 16:51

The OP clearly doesnt mean she doesnt have time to date, unless he comes to the house

She means they cant fit sex and spending the might together.

If I was 15 a man was coming in my home to shag my mum I would probably be a bit upset too. Especially if it's the family home and not that long since my dad lived there.

If I was 18 and my younger sibling was upset by this and my mum just carried on regardless, that would piss me off too.

OP, is there chance they have heard you having sex. I can imagine that would upset a lot of teenagers too.

hewontstopshitting · 12/05/2019 16:57

How early into the relationship did they meet him?

Applesbananaspears · 12/05/2019 17:06

If you separated a year ago it’s far too soon to introduce your kids to someone new

They are teens, you do not need someone to look after them when you go out and no, you might not get to spend a full night with your partner although there is no reason DH you can’t suggest they either stay home overnight occasionally alone or go and stay at a friends but you can go to his place for sex and come home.

Frankola · 12/05/2019 20:45

I don't think you're being selfish at all. However, a few months isn't long to be separated before you started seeing someone new. Especially if you have teenagers ans have been married for a long time.

That being said, the kids shouldn't get to stop you from moving on,and if they know they can surely they will continue to stop you from doing so.

At 15 and 18 they're old enough for you to spend time outside the house on dates and for you to enjoy sleepovers at your partners. Why not try this for a while and see how it goes down?

pikapikachu · 12/05/2019 20:50

I have kids a similar age and am a single parent with a ex who has a partner.

What do you mean by rude? Do you mean they don't greet him when he arrives (manners)? Or passively/openly mean like talking to each other as if your partner wasn't there (bullying)? How would they behave if a female friend of yours popped round?

Have you discussed with them what is wrong? For example I understand them not wanting to see PDA, hearing you kiss/shag or spending forced family time with you and your partner. I'd also understand if they feel awkward seeing you with another man. My kids are a similar age and when I split with their Dad I promised not to move anyone in while they lived here full time. They are obviously fine with me going out and dating but don't want to see it which is totally understandable imo. I've seen quite a lot of posts where adult children have an opinion on their mum/dad's new partner and they don't even live there.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/05/2019 20:58

Unfortunately you can’t behave the same that your ex does - yes, life’s not fair but you have the kids 24/7 so you’re the one most responsible for their mental wellbeing.
Why can’t the 18 yo stay with the 15 yo when you go to see you friend “Susan”?

L1nkedOut · 12/05/2019 21:04

um, the gossip did a lap of my home town before the truth had its pants on as the saying goes. And as I said, it was EXPENSIVE for him, I never paid, but it just didn't feel right, the point being how it made me feel - ie,, seedy. I stopped seeing him even though he was very nice, and my children never even knew about him never mind met him so you're barking up the wrong tree there insinuating that I put my children after a man. I have not done that. Geez, easy to sit in judgment. Little bit harder being a single parent for 12 years (so far). Wow. Judgmental post award goes to @putthatlampshadeonyourhead

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