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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Baby due in hols - what to do with SD!

98 replies

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:03

NC for this

My baby is due at the beginning of the summer holidays. DP has 50:50 time with DSD (5) but we usually have DSD for the majority of the school holidays as it works best for everyone.

This is my first pregnancy. From what I've heard, people are really wiped out after childbirth, and all the advice I've read recommends rest, 4th trimester, babymoon, quiet time with baby in bed for bonding etc.

But that advice is surely not at all compatible with having a 5 year old!!

So far dsd is really happy and excited to meet her new sister, but privately I know that while she will surely love the little baby, baby will be pretty boring!

Basically I don't want to ruin the bond between DSD and baby DD by being so feeble that we don't do anything fun in DSD's summer holidays. Surely she would then come to resent me and the baby! And rightly so!

I wanted to ask - how did you feel after childbirth? How long before you were able to be active again? How did you recover?

And - any tips for entertaining a 5 year old when you have recently given birth and have a newborn? Best idea so far is us all going into the garden to play, but surely I won't be able to actively play for a while? (Usually we are very much sitting on the floor/playing all day with 5 year old in the holidays) how do we handle this without making dad miserable and ruining her summer???!

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Original poster

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:05

*making dsd miserable

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 30/04/2019 10:10

I've not been in your position of a newborn and older child, but I would suggest

Your DH takes as much leave as he can
Play dates
Other family members help out if available, either giving you support, or taking DSD out.
Play schemes

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2019 10:10

Most people with 5 year olds have to, to some extent, get on with it! She’s old enough to understand that you might not be able to dash around with her straight away, but her dad will be on paternity leave, presumably so he can take the bulk of the job of looking after her and keeping her entertained. And you’ll be onto new normal before you know it.

NowWeAreSuckingDiesel · 30/04/2019 10:10

I had a vaginal birth in an mlu, I was walking a mile or two within the week. It'll be fine, people had babies with older siblings all the time. Don't panic.

NowWeAreSuckingDiesel · 30/04/2019 10:10

Have not had *

TeenTimesTwo · 30/04/2019 10:12

people had babies with older siblings all the time

But with a second baby, surely people know what they are doing, so it is 'easier'. The OP is in the position of a first baby PLUS an older child to look after. I think that is harder.

greenlynx · 30/04/2019 10:23

You might not be able to sit and play for a long time because you would be busy with new baby so you will need someone else to help. Of course, people cope with managing babies and older siblings on their own all the time but I see that it’s a bit different in your situation. You don’t want DSD to feel a lot of changes at once. Could you do board games outside in the garden when you are sitting ( and feeding) ? Or going to a playground so DSD is climbing and playing while baby sleeps in the pram?

unicornsandwine · 30/04/2019 10:26

You don't need to 'recover ' having a baby is not a disabling illness , you me be more then capable of out the baby in a pram and walking to a park

Original poster

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:33

Could you do board games outside in the garden when you are sitting ( and feeding) ? Or going to a playground so DSD is climbing and playing while baby sleeps in the pram?

Good idea, I forgot that baby may actually sleep!

OP posts:

Original poster

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:36

unicornsandwine

Maybe recover was the wrong word, but I've heard lots of women are pretty wiped out and wanted to know how much

OP posts:

Original poster

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:37

Yes the dad will have to play with her a lot. I think I feel guilty because I usually play with her a lot and we have a good relationship, i don't want anything to shake this :(

OP posts:

Shushandpat · 30/04/2019 10:40

You don't need to recover?! Most people who have had a baby will agree that some recovery is requiredboth physical and mental.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2019 10:40

The important thing is to keep to her routine as much as possible- whatever you do, don’t ever suggest she doesn’t come, even if you think she might have more fun at her mum’s.

MistakenHoliday · 30/04/2019 10:41

Unicorn depending on how it goes and even if OP does have a straightforward one, childbirth does require some recovery.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 30/04/2019 10:42

Everyone copes differently and is affected differently by childbirth. Some births go very easily and mum is just a bit tired, others are horrendous requiring lots of recovery. You won’t know until you’ve given birth what sort of recovery you will need. Plan to have DSD as normal with DH taking on the donkey work of caring for and entertaining her, taking her out of the way for a bit each day so you can rest etc. But have a back up plan, if DSDs mum is open to having her during DHs time if necessary then that’s an option or arrange with family to have her.

Elllicam · 30/04/2019 10:42

It’s a good idea to get a box of toys that are exclusively for when you are feeding the baby. Also if you can work out a few activities that are low input from you, washing toys works well for my kids, drawing, outdoor toys like a sand and water table, bikes, scooters, movie time, learning apps. If she likes dolls you could get her a gift from the baby of a doll with a load of accessories, car seat, clothes, nappies, cot that she can change and play with while you are changing the baby.

ineedanewjobplease · 30/04/2019 10:45

@HavYouGotEnufJuice OP I was you, last April DSD with us half the time and new baby DD.

Honestly it will be fine! My DSD adores her DS and did from the start. She understood there was lots we couldn't do yet with the baby, and she understood that I was tired and had a sore tummy and she just had to be gentle.

We kept some activities and colourings books downstairs to keep her entertained.

We changed nothing with days or times, felt it was important to keep to her set routine so she didn't feel like the baby had changed when she would be with us etc she actually came to the hospital all day with my DH the day after the baby was born and spent the day with us and her sister.

Just explain as much as you can, get her to 'help' with the baby if she's showing signs of wanting to, and all will be good.

Thegardenismine · 30/04/2019 10:45

You sound a lovely step mum .
Can I suggest that you talk to her .. tell her that you need her help with the baby. Make her feel important and very much part of babies upbringing. Ask her to be responsible for certain activities such as reading to baby ( from my experience it made big sibling feel very important! ) or folding clothes. A doll/teddy from baby to big sister usually goes down well . Although I'm sure you've probably thought of these.
But remember to enjoy.. it all goes so fast !

Original poster

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:47

BertrandRussell

I will try and keep the day having a shape!

I definitely wouldn't suggest she didn't come, I love having her in the holidays and the fact I'll be off work on maternity is lovely as I'll be able to spend time (usually I work part time and DP takes off time in the holidays)

OP posts:

Original poster

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:48

The doll as a present sounds good, perhaps I can make her a doll to make it more special (I like sewing)

OP posts:

ineedanewjobplease · 30/04/2019 10:49

Also! When baby was about a week old (I was in hospital the first few days) I took DSD to the park for an hour without DH and DD, just left them at home.

Yes it was hard leaving the baby, and I was tired, but I always spend a lot of time one-on-one with DSD and I wanted her to see that I was still there for her too.

I always call DD my 'little girl' and DSD my 'big girl' so she feels included. And once she said to me that it must be nice because I'm a 'mum' now and I replied something about how she taught me how to be a Mum before our (I always say our) baby came. I feel like sometimes she comes out with little things just to gauge my reply

Sorry for the replies! I just know exactly what it's like to be in your position and I remember wanting to get it right.

Thegardenismine · 30/04/2019 10:53

The doll as a present sounds good, perhaps I can make her a doll to make it more special (I like sewing)

That's lovely, making even more special!

Inniu · 30/04/2019 10:53

I wouldn’t make the doll present. Buy a baby doll, same sex as your baby if you know what you are having. You could make clothes for the doll.

PerfectPeony2 · 30/04/2019 10:56

You don't need to 'recover ' having a baby is not a disabling illness

What! I don’t understand your comment. Even straightforward births need time to recover. Going for long walks after giving birth can be what causes prolapses and ripped stitches! I wish I’d rested more than I did. I had a friend who had an episiotomy and could barely walk for weeks.

OP- I’m sure you will manage fine. It’s nice that you are considering your stepdaughter and how you will all cope. My advice is to prepare- batch cook loads. Involve her with the baby, watch movies together or spend time in the garden having bbq’s and playing. There’s lots of nice things you can do at home. Just enjoy time together and of course make sure that she gets some time with her Dad too.

Original poster

HavYouGotEnufJuice · 30/04/2019 10:58

ineedanewjobplease

That's really cute 🤩 yes that seems like a good idea I could go for a little walk/to the park with her.

There are a couple of activities that we both enjoy more than her dad (although I think he just leaves us to it as he is encouraging us bonding)

OP posts:

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