Baby due in hols - what to do with SD!

[HavYouGotEnufJuice]

NC for this

My baby is due at the beginning of the summer holidays. DP has 50:50 time with DSD (5) but we usually have DSD for the majority of the school holidays as it works best for everyone.

This is my first pregnancy. From what I've heard, people are really wiped out after childbirth, and all the advice I've read recommends rest, 4th trimester, babymoon, quiet time with baby in bed for bonding etc.

But that advice is surely not at all compatible with having a 5 year old!!

So far dsd is really happy and excited to meet her new sister, but privately I know that while she will surely love the little baby, baby will be pretty boring!

Basically I don't want to ruin the bond between DSD and baby DD by being so feeble that we don't do anything fun in DSD's summer holidays. Surely she would then come to resent me and the baby! And rightly so!

I wanted to ask - how did you feel after childbirth? How long before you were able to be active again? How did you recover?

And - any tips for entertaining a 5 year old when you have recently given birth and have a newborn? Best idea so far is us all going into the garden to play, but surely I won't be able to actively play for a while? (Usually we are very much sitting on the floor/playing all day with 5 year old in the holidays) how do we handle this without making dad miserable and ruining her summer???!

Pinky I don't know everything at all - I do know that the OP has said her DH will be there and I'm sure he'll be capable of looking after his DD and the OP too, just as my DH was capable of looking after me and my DSD after my difficult delivery and post-birth complications.

I'm not saying there'll be day trips out but I'm sure DSD will be able to actually be present in the house, be fed and clothed every day. Obviously days in front of the TV are to be expected while OP recovers and anything other than that is a bonus.

Of course any help offered should be taken, but the DSD certainly doesn't need to be left out family life for the first week so the OP can have 'at least(?!) one week after birth with no dsd', as you put it.

Assuming your son belongs to both you and your DH, he knew that when you felt better he'd be home for good. I do think you have to be careful when step-children are involved as they are aware that the new baby gets to stay with Dad (in this instance) even when they have to go back to Mums house, and some struggle with that. Keeping her away for the first week, as you suggested, will only have her wondering where she fits into this new family.

I see your point but I really don't agree... So if it's my son that it was it's ok to say you will come back next week buts if is a stepchild you can't say the same? I'm sorry but yes bodies need to rest and I would rather have my son with his grandmother, or any familiar face than just to be at home in front of the TV? While you try to adapt? Sorry but no. If the husband is so involved will be knackered specially if the delivery is super long etc. Or what do you think it is ok to take the child to the delivery?

Well no, to be honest I don't agree that it's ok to do that with a child that's your own either, (although obviously you and your DH done what you felt necessary at the time). I was just trying to explain that sometimes when it's step-children that's involved, as opposed to a child that is biologically both parents, there are other difficulties to navigate and emotions to account for.

We obviously just have different opinions on it - I would think it better to have the DSD with her DF/DSM, helping if she would like, explaining that maybe OP won't be around much as she's tired and sore etc than to send her off to her Mums or Grandparents, potentially causing upset that things have suddenly changed now the baby is here.

As it happens I interpreted the original post as OP asking what she could do with DSD in terms of keeping her entertained and occupied over the holidays - not whether she should make completely alternative childcare arrangements for her while she recovers from her birth, as you've read it.

Hi op, I would have arrangements done so your do goes with you to hospital and you guys can enjoy the experience and at least have one week after birth with no dsd

That's a disgusting attitude.

If you can I would start having days that maybe like your holiday days now...so maybe a quiet day where your just do simple arts craft, odd movie etc maybe a day that is just a short walk to park and sit in cafe
..maybe think of some 'shapes' of days ....
so then they will be easier to just follow if/when you are knackered....

I would not necessarily go all guns blazaing with the being helpful big sister with changes etc .... have seen that backfire

poppingoff I really like your arguments. Cheers. That child has a mother and other family. You don't know how you will feel or like me if you are going to be 5 +days in hospital with IV antibiotics... It's to have peace of mind that if anything happens that poor girl is not gonna be in the middle. I still remember when my sister was having contractions and it's so scary.. and I was an adult. Op listen to your body, embrace your time having the baby and have as less stresses as possible. Good luck xx

Only you didn't say "if anything happens", did you? You made it a blanket statement:

Hi op, I would have arrangements done so your do goes with you to hospital and you guys can enjoy the experience and at least have one week after birth with no dsd

That should be the arrangement, irrespective of how op might sail through it all.

Quite a difference.

OP's DSD spends more time at OP's than her mums, but the first whiff of potential difficulty, she should be shipped out?

I don't have to... My post was meant to be directed to adults... Adults understand life isn't black or white. And a week with mum/ grandma/ relatives won't kill anyone. Of it was the girl wanting to go holiday with the mum you wouldn't complain that daddy won't have contact that week. The dad can perfectly pick her to meet the baby have lunch enjoy and drop her back... There's a million alternatives. Just stop being so hypocritical

Can you point out where I have been hypocritical?

You have assumed the opinions of both me and a PP. Don't judge us all by your own low standards.

OP you're lovely.
I really thought this would be another "Aibu to tell dad she can't come because THIS is my baby and she'll spoil it by being NOT my baby"

If Daddy is off, let him do all the floor stuff. Tell her your body had to do lots of hard work to make her a baby sister so it's a bit tired. Lots of table top games and crafts so you don't have to be too physical /can feed baby etc. Make Dad do the running and get her to help do little tasks. Maybe a new dolly so everything you do she can do?

poppingoff you don't know my standards. I didn't assume anything I read and reply. I only got what you write. Pp have her point of view I gave mine. She tried to contribute to the op you didn't. You are just pissed off because if it was your case you would want to have the days off from your OWN child to go on a date or whatever. That's your primary interest. No that your son may be bored, having to deal with two very tired adults and the crying. Having your first is very challenging.

(haven't rtft)

You're empathetic towards dsd and that will go a long way, so don't worry too much.

In my experience , days 3-5 can be overly emotional, weepy, overwhelming days due to milk coming in and hormones . If you can keep some time without your dsd on these days, it might give you some space to get through it without having to present a fake smile.

Have you got any grandparents to help out? Aunties/uncles? Shower dsd with attention. Ask relatives to congratulate her and get her cards too. This helped my daughters when they had new (half)siblings.

Also... never use the word 'half' and discourage relatives from doing so, if possible. It can really hurt.

@Pinkybutterfly but the dad shouldn't have to 'pick her to meet the baby have lunch enjoy and drop her back'. This is her home, her family, the baby is hers too. And honestly to some extent, like a PP said, part of having children is cracking on even when it's a bit shit.

I too was in hospital for days after I gave birth, full of antibiotics/painkillers when I came home, some days too sore to manage the stairs etc so I do understand where you're coming from there. But at no point would DSD have been made to stay with her Mum when she should have been with us. We all navigated it as a family, and sometimes children accept things better you think they will.

Yes having contractions etc would be scary to see, but she doesn't need to see that. Nor would she need to know exactly what's going on with OP when she came out of hospital. A simple explanation is all that's needed from DF and DSM. 'X is tired because it's hard work having a baby, and her tummy is sore. So we're going to help her feel better, and have some lazy days all of us here together while we get to know our new baby'. I'm sure any child would rather that than feeling like she's an inconvenience, especially if she's been excited to meet her new sibling, as my DSD was.

My dd was 4.5 when ds arrived, also right at the start of the long summer holidays. He was quite a difficult baby (not much sleeping, very clingy, breastfed for ages), and it was hard entertaining a 4 year old.

She had much more iPad time than I would have liked, but it was a nice summer so we spent a lot of time in the garden etc.

It was hard! But my daughter understood even at that age that sometimes I would be unavailable and she’s need to entertain herself.

Days out were actually the easiest as ds would just sleep in the pram or sling.

Good luck with everything OP, your baby will be here soon!

I’ve got a newborn and two DSC, a bit older than yours. We have them every weekend and an evening or overnight in the week. We had two back up plans with friends and family who’d come and stay at ours if I went into labour when they were here as we didn’t want to not have them at the usual times. I was in recovery for a couple of days after a complicated EMCS and being back on the ward coincided with a normal evening so DH picked them up from school and we had a few hours together in hospital. We wanted them to meet her ASAP and it was such a special time that I’ll never forget. I was on a load of drugs and my mobility was poor so we just all sat and snuggled on the bed, they took turns having a cuddle with her and their little faces when they held her were just beautiful. By the weekend we were home and things carried on as normal but they knew I had a sore tummy and was mostly sitting feeding her so they chose her babygros and we had easy meals around the sofa and watched a lot of films.

@unicornsandwine

You don't need to 'recover ' having a baby is not a disabling illness , you me be more then capable of out the baby in a pram and walking to a park

^
What a ridiculous comment. Of course you need to recover from childbirth.

A normal delivery takes a lot out of you. Never mind if you have a c section, forcep delivery or tearing...with stitches.

Your OH will need to step up I do hope you aren't left with her all the time because you'll be on maternity leave.

Of course you’ll need to recover! Can your DHs family help and have DC for a bit during the day. You’ll want your husbands support as well and won’t want to be left holding the baby.
What’s your relationship like with DCs Mum? Would she be able to help and maybe you could swap your week or only do half and tack it onto another week or do her a favour in exchange?

I didn’t think I’d need to “recover” but with a third degree tear and episiotomy I certainly did. That’s without any other complications like having a fussy baby or difficulty establishing feeding.

Sorry to drip feed but a present from the baby is a great idea. We did the same. Also batch cooking is great. I didn’t need to cook for three weeks but ate a good home cooked meal each day which was great for recovery!

HavYouGotEnufJuice Hello, What a lovely thought behind your thread.

I second what scanon said. We had dc not dsd or DSS but what our friends and relatives did when they came was say things like 'where's the newest big sister? Congratulations to you dd1!' They also bought dd1 little things (and wrapped them) like sticker books and a t-shirt saying best big sister and when it was appropriate they asked dd1 to introduce them to their little sister/brother.

Another thing which we did was we gave dd1 the important job of present and card opener. She decided where we put cards up and she loved showing dc2 the presents and explaining them (while I scribbled down who gave what in a note book do I could write thank you letters).

If dd1 is into crafts she could draw or stick things on blank cards for you to write as thank you letters.

Also I agree with all the pps who suggested that dd1 reads stories. I would buy a couple of big girl books just for dd1 and you and then some for dd1 to read to the baby.

There is no way of knowing how long you will take to recover. My tip is get DH to make up lots of snacks pots for you to grab as sometimes I was so tired I would forget a meal!

@unicornsandwine
Everyone I know has needed to recover!

Even if you are lucky enough to have a quick, easy birth it is still a hugely intense experience. I needed a lot of support after.
I actually asked my DSD to Not stay overnight and for much of the holiday when it clashed with the birth of our son. I couldn’t handle dealing with anything other then just the new arrival

Make sure DH takes some annual leave after paternity leave, and let him do the bulk of the childcare.

Then find a fun holiday club to keep DSD busy!

You'll be just fine because you have a lovely attitude. Nobody can predict how quickly they'll bounce back after birth. You don't have to turn cartwheels to keep the big sister entertained. As long as she has attention you'll be fine. Even letting her snuggle next to you while you feed the baby is a way to make her feel wanted. She can watch a kids show or look at a book with you. You are a kind, warm person, it comes across loud and clear, so she's going to be ok. Congratulations on your baby