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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is this just a phase?

30 replies

charliemcb19 · 14/04/2019 21:38

My SD is 9. Her dad has very good access and I have been in her life since she was a baby and we have a close relationship. Very recent in a couple of overnights she has gotten quite emotional at bedtime and has asked to go home to her mum. Neither time has anything happened to cause this e.g she hasn't been told off.

Tonight she done it again and said she didn't want to stay here she doesn't like this side of the family etc and that her mum told her it was her choice if she wanted to leave etc. Not once has the mum brought any concern to my DH or informed him of any conversation where my SD has said she doesn't want to stay here.

This is really out of the blue and concerning me. Is it just a phase or should we be worried?

OP posts:
Chocolate50 · 14/04/2019 23:28

Have you or your DH tried to talk to her in the daytime -ie when she seems ok & calm?
She may need some help with making sense of her feelings. I'd say that there may be lots of reasons why she's displaying insecurity & it may have nothing at all to do with you or your DH.
Have there been any changes in her life recently? How is she getting onat school or with her peers? If you can't think of anything & she's otherwise ok don't give up or blame yourselves - just work on helping her feel secure whilst she's with you both.

It might be worth him giving her some extra attention - like ask her whether she wants to do something different together or regularly or something special that you can all do together.

HeckyPeck · 15/04/2019 11:56

Tonight she done it again and said she didn't want to stay here she doesn't like this side of the family etc and that her mum told her it was her choice if she wanted to leave etc.

It sounds to me like it’s come from her mum.

Has your DH tried talking to DSD about it?

He could just reassure her that she doesn’t have to worry about which house she’s in as that’s up to him and her mum to decide.

Original poster
charliemcb19 · 15/04/2019 12:19

DH has spoken to her this morning and she's like a different girl.
We have come to the conclusion she may have had one to many late nights during the water holidays and we collect her early on our day so thinking by the Sunday (it's been the last 2 Sunday nights it's happened) she's completely shattered and had hey one and only early rise.

Back to normal routine this morning and going to give it a couple of weeks and see if it happens again. If all's good DH is going to chat with SD mum to discuss earlier to bed the night before she is due to come to us. During school holidays. It's either that or we collect her later but it's the only full day we have to spend with her.

Fingers crossed and thanks ladies x

OP posts:
Original poster
charliemcb19 · 16/04/2019 13:41

Well apparently access has now to stop because she doesn't want to come to our house anymore. DSM allowing this and for SD to make the decision herself at 9 years old.

OP posts:
Propertywoes · 16/04/2019 13:45

Can your husband arrange to go and spend some time with her take her out for the day and talk to her about it see what the problem is?

HeckyPeck · 16/04/2019 14:07

Sounds like mediation and then possibly court then for access.

Your DH needs to get the ball rolling ASAP.

Assuming no abuse etc, the courts are very unlikely to deny access.

Original poster
charliemcb19 · 16/04/2019 16:05

Nothing has happened what so ever. She doesn't want to see him. SD mum has said it's been an ongoing issue yet there has never been any sort of indication before now (or indeed any mention of an issue from SDM).
He has had the same access since they split when she was a baby. It's just so out of the blue. We are concerned why she is saying acting like this but not willing to accept t either. She is only 9yrs and can't make these decisions especially when there is no reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
charliemcb19 · 18/04/2019 22:12

I may not be her mother but I feel that I have lost one of my daughters.

She is continuing to refuse to see us with no real reason given. Although we think it's down to us being the more stricter house.
Dssm refusing access as this is dsd choice.
School respecting childs choice and not allowing us to do our pick ups that we have done for nearly 4 years as she is upset by the thought of us collecting her.

This has all just came about in the last couple of weeks. We are devestated. Her brother keeps asking when she's next staying.

Lawyer was consulted today and instructed to start communication with the aim of court to reestablish access.

Are we the bad ones for not respecting a childs wishes regardless of age and understanding. We don't want to take a step back and send the wrong message making her think this is OK either.

We miss her already.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 18/04/2019 22:27

Can your lawyer contact the school re them not allowing your DH to collect his own child?

There’s no court order etc to say he can’t have access so I’m not sure they should be doing that.

Original poster
charliemcb19 · 19/04/2019 08:02

He has contacted school. They say they have to respect dsd wishes and won't force her to come with him or me. Our son is at the same school. At times she is an over dramatic little girl and will love the fact she is getting to go to the school office every day. I feel this stems from us not giving her the choice just to simply stop seeing us no now shes avoiding us and her mum n school enabling her behaviour.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 19/04/2019 09:02

I don’t believe the school has any legal right to stop a parent from collecting their own child from school so I would be challenging that.

HeckyPeck · 19/04/2019 09:03

PS: Sorry this is all happening OP.

Original poster
charliemcb19 · 19/04/2019 21:46

They have said they can't force her to come with us if she is saying she doesn't want to. I understand that u do but can't they see they are enabling this little girl who will be loving the extra attention and getting to go to the school office every day. Her 6 year old brother is confused. His sister doesn't want to see us but they go to the same school x

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 19/04/2019 21:54

I would go down the mediation and, if necessary, court route asap. She's of an age that's on the cusp of being old enough to have a say and so it would be better to get this sorted from a legal perspective now rather than trying to negotiate informally. Perhaps her emotions are changing as she gets older but her mother should be supporting the relationship with your DH.

Original poster
charliemcb19 · 19/04/2019 22:18

It's in the hands of our lawyer now. We are just in shock and devestated

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 19/04/2019 22:36

I think it would be highly unlikely that a court wouldn't order a reinstatement of contact. Hopefully it can be resolved quickly.

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2019 22:43

There must be a reason though something that has started it. I think first off stop blaming the mum she is acting in the way she feels is best and the school are too so there’s must be something more

Original poster
charliemcb19 · 20/04/2019 06:19

Quartz2208
I know I am and Im trying to steer away from it. We are just so upset we keep Asking what have we done done wrong. We seen her from the school gate waves and blows kisses rgwn cries at end of day to not to come with us. We have all always had a great relationship and no one is telling us anything other than she doesn't want to see us and that's it. We are just stunned.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 20/04/2019 06:39

Could there be issues you don’t know about with your son eg bullying etc?

PrayingandHoping · 20/04/2019 07:28

Have you asked (through mum I suppose) if she'd just like to go out for treat like an ice cream after school and then be dropped home? If she doesn't want to stay surely seeing her in some capacity is better than none at all? It may break things down

Quartz2208 · 20/04/2019 07:38

I would hold off on court and really try and sort this out because forcing her could break the relationship even more

What is your relationship like with the ex to sit down and see - start small like the pp poster said

Turbototty · 20/04/2019 07:40

You say yours is the ‘stricter’ household - is she a sensitive child and does she feel like she is getting into ‘trouble’ at yours? Even if you don’t feel that this is the case, it can be difficult children to adapt to different styles of parenting in different homes, if they are sensitive.

Also, what is your relationship like with her mum? Could you talk it through with her to get some insight into what is going on?

Agree with the idea of picking her up after school and just taking her for a small treat like an ice-cream, rather than having her overnight right now. She may be more amenable to that

Wallywobbles · 20/04/2019 07:54

My first thought would be something that's worrying her at Mums and that she's worried about leaving home for some reason. I wouldn't automatically jump to it being something or someone at yours.

I would imagine the way ahead might be a child psychologist. They should be neutral and working in the child's interest, not either parent.

blackcat86 · 20/04/2019 08:08

Does the school have a counselling service that she could access? The school state that they cant force her to go with either of you at pick up and whilst I'm not suggesting they manhandle her into the back of your car, equally they are taking quite a poor stance here. Why cant they be a little helpful and acknowledge that they cant legally stop her dad trying to collect her either. I would query the school on this.

The idea of speaking to mum is a good one. Just a word of warning to 'reward' non access with too many treats to try and lure her out. DSS is now 15 and basically holds his dad ransom, refusing to visit if he doesn't get the video game he wants or because he dad agreed with his mum that he couldn't stay home overnight unattended with his 16 year old gf. Non visiting is basically used as punishment for dad and to exert control so whilst you of course want to see DSD, let it be about seeing you both because you love her.

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