Is this just a phase?

[charliemcb19]

My SD is 9. Her dad has very good access and I have been in her life since she was a baby and we have a close relationship. Very recent in a couple of overnights she has gotten quite emotional at bedtime and has asked to go home to her mum. Neither time has anything happened to cause this e.g she hasn't been told off.

Tonight she done it again and said she didn't want to stay here she doesn't like this side of the family etc and that her mum told her it was her choice if she wanted to leave etc. Not once has the mum brought any concern to my DH or informed him of any conversation where my SD has said she doesn't want to stay here.

This is really out of the blue and concerning me. Is it just a phase or should we be worried?

I have read through your posts and there is a sense of her not being old enough to make decisions, that she is over emotional and dramatic and you are stricter and don’t want to enable her behaviour

With the greatest respect if the above is true I suspect you have missed cues that something is wrong

When she cried what did you do how did you handle it. Her difference in the morning may well have been because she had decided not to come again.

Your response as well is to fit it, be devastated on your part but to overrule her through court. Not try and figure out what has caused it

Which I think may be simple - she feels you don’t get her personality and I don’t think you do.

My first thought was she is worried about something at home and wants to be there. Is her dm on her own? Maybe she is suddenly more aware of her dm being alone when she has gone. Has her dm a new partner?
I would hold off on court. Could she come but go home to sleep?
I thing getting school involved is quite extreme and may lead to very bad feeling with the dm which can only make things worse.

Nothing has happened what so ever.

That you know of.

Are we the bad ones for not respecting a childs wishes regardless of age and understanding.

Yes. Your post is all about how you feel and you are insistent that nothing is wrong. Clearly something, somewhere is wrong and you need to get to the bottom of that first.

You deem her 'over dramatic' and 'loving the extra attention'. That others are 'enabling her behaviour'. It sounds like you demand to have everything go the way you think it should regardless of her feelings. Maybe that is why she has now said no to seeing you?

Thanks for the advice everyone. We still have lots to talk about. Ultimately its DHs decision. Thanks everyone.

At nine I would imagine that it’s highly unlikely that she would have the confidence to talk to you directly about why she doesn’t want to come.

My DS was slightly older, but I knew there were issues wrt his going to his dad’s because he would stall, make up reasons why he couldn’t go, be upset if they were going on holiday and he didn’t want to go and he just couldn’t articulate why. In the end it transpired he had some issues with his dad’s partner and her DD, the speed at which their relationship had come about; with which she had got pregnant; how fast she was moving in especially given she also had a child who he didn’t get on with.

I encouraged him to talk to his dad but ex took it very badly and relayed everything back to his partner which then made DS feel as if his trust had been betrayed. But ex refused to hear any of it from me.

Your DP does need to have a conversation with his DD, preferably away from you, and try to find out exactly what the issues are. And he needs to be open to hear them. I too got the line that it was because he was expected to behave at his dad’s implying that i obviously let him run riot which I did not.

The reality is that you simply cannot live in fear of what makes a child refuse to stay there but you do need to know what the issues are if you are going to move forward.